wordSnot

this too shall pass

2012-02-27T06:04:00.003-07:00

can't take it anymore. pent up writing stimulus has now breached past the point of being held in. were it pregnant, that baby be crowning. all this time waiting for something to write about UNBEKNOWNST i've been word pregnant this whole time. like any appropriate pre-rant explanation, i've gotta make sure you're aware that i'm aware that it's been scant, awhile, dreary, and uninspired on the blogging front. i journal, sometimes, but when i do it's intense and overly dramatic like a 13 year old girl that just realized her period justifies her moodiness. man i'm so f***ing meta. PHORICAL!

so that's new... i'm giving up swearing for lent. why? who the carp knows. i really enjoy profanity, so i guess it's actually a sacrifice this time. let me analyze my goals:

- i enjoy it because of the harsh expression of it. this time apart will allow me to find those dramatic, comedic or 'perfect word' scenarios through different expressions.
- being that i like it, sometimes it slips into situations where i don't need OR desire to say it, and this will be good in training me to hone my tongue.
- i try reaaaaally hard to never us it in a malicious way, so if i keep maintaining my anti-cursing guidelines i should hopefully get better at being uplifting by not having access to the potential negative side of our vocabulary.
- it'll hopefully train me to actually listen to words in songs that aren't wrapped around an f-bomb... pretty much i want to listen harder instead of waiting in anticipation for an explosion of lyrical flavor. this is a subconscious battle.

at metro we were challenged not only to sacrifice something, but to add something. so hopefully with the support of my man church, i'm actually going to read me some bible. the study we are going through is written by rick warren (whom i have a distasteful bias towards), so hopefully letting down my jaded perspective will actually allow for some good though provoking intake instead of the constant 'seen it read it don't want to think about it anymore'.

it is february 27, and i am approximately 15% done my current painting gig. painting, unlike frisbee, gives me the time and mental space to constantly be thinking about my situations and future. i go through a myriad of emotions and internal struggles. this sentence has very little point beyond just wanting to say the word 'myriad'.

actually, this whole word pregnancy thing just turned out to be gas. what i really wanted was to see that date change.

/ it's 6:28 am, i don't want to be alert when the sun breaks loose. i haven't NEED for you, dawn!

snarf snarf snarf <- real word.s.

2012-02-02T23:33:00.003-07:00

i'm blogging less. does that mean i'm getting older? or just less inspired. or whenever i think of writing something, i go and say it instead to someone? nah... i just. haven't. even now, i've nothing really to say. i just don't want to go to sleep, draw, or keep checking facebook and instagram. BOGUS when you get caught in that repetitive mode of boredom where you cyclically check instagram, forget you checked it and check again, then get pissed at seeing the same picture three times. i no longer CARE that your desk is covered in paper and electronics! i wish someone would upload a pic of themselves doing something ... fire-y. damnit...

hmm... instead of underwear, i'm wearing compression shorts. that must mean i went to training tonight. good for me. and good for my STOMACH to have consumed, at mass amount (and mass aboutdamntime), a meal. oh, i've been pulling things together that r e s e m b l e a meal, but this is the first decent one since i've been back. especially after a squatty enthused work out, it was quite necessary. my problem now is money.

money! surprise. i have jobs lined up. several quite well paying ones. three, to be precise. but none of these boast a paycheck anytime within the next month, which weighs heavily on my 'scraping by' lifestyle. post travel dilemma! gotta commit to less. and plant painting laden emails to specific people i owe money to... so i can further push my way deeper into the depths of making monetary exchange scarce in my life. it's exciting and scary. because while it's all within my means to desire to do so, it's now necessity. boooyaaaaa. jeffy want a painting for rent?! psh i'm already painting it (lies i hadn't even THOUGHT about jef as an option until just now... guess i'm building THREE canvases at 'school' tomorrow). don't read this jef. or mom. or dad. too late? psh. i'm fine. i love when tattoo's get me enough money for three days of groceries. mega win. and the minute i get out of red, into excess, with no bills to pay? inkinkinkinkink. and convincing words to let me apprentice.

which will give me... no money. BUT. advanced status in goal achieving life. step after that- babies, obviously.

452. when you realize you think stufjan is terrible.

2012-01-19T01:45:00.003-07:00

and then you wait for a chance for redemption, and you realize you've attained it! except that instead, it's hey! rosetta. and they've claimed the musical revelation for this evening.

i'm doing my first 'contracted' photo shoot. it's a lovely scary kind of pressure i didn't think i could ever feel whilst doing photography. i've been using my dad's camera and it has pushed me over the edge of just using my little point and shoot and remaining accepting of it's obvious limitations. but... oldy nikon does do well. just not for things involving me getting paid and whatnot. papa's gotta get scout home somehow...

this to say i've found some delights lately i never thought i would appreciate.

- photo editing. i was once a brightness and contrast dude. finally, i am a brightness, contrast, and 'exposure' dude. (except jokes, because i at least like.. 5 (5!) little more tweaks before i decide it looks manufactured enough to be aesthetic. sometimes i see photos, and i go... how did they do that. now i know how (or at least how to make it look like 'how did they do that'.) to make it a liiiittle more dynamic.) and that is exciting new work for me.

- seany, michael and lindsay. i adore them and very grateful for their presence in this kinda balls crazy stage of my life.

- i'm ridiculously emotional lately. i don't find it a delight to get super weepy about even THINKING about saying g'bye to my cat (he's old man. i think this is the last g'bye, and it's ruining me in car rides home where i should be being social). but because of this, i cry at the littlest things like a movie trailer about saving whales by coming together as a community and fighting for a unified cause. or a youtube inspirastory about a runner with MS. i blame max, but i'm grateful for being this open and incredibly vulnerable. don't show me any community driven impacting/or brotherly bonding/fathertime stuff for awhile. that shit'll make me cry.

- thinking two people would be sweet together. and seeing them realize they have tons in common. swish bomb. who cares if it explodes.

- beer stores with baby bro.

- graffiti and tattoosURPRISE!! but actually and seriously, seeing a city like montreal who allows for such things to exist and how much... better. it is. i don't throw better or best around much but it's truly unfair to see such wondrous creation in a place i don't reside. 2012 requires more umbrellas. and more people doing them. you. and you.

- finally finding a tag i can desire to put on my body. it say's elmer and it will keep me in the detroit mood forever. because it's not about the detroit mood- it's about the constamood that deals with living not within my means, but at the cusp of my potential. elmer win.

not edited. because what. is. there. to edit. elmer?

the attic was good to me.

2012-01-11T23:52:00.003-07:00

i found a teddy bear i've been missing for 8 years, remembered how awesome biker mice from mars action figures were, and a whole thwack of meaningless memorabilia from the '90s. that i threw out. hooRAY childhood condensed from three boxes into one! in five more years it'll be time for the next mid-decade purge of shit i don't need to keep. gleaning memories is a righteous business. to pay homage to my 6th grade self, i'm going to tell you a story. because 6th grade tyler would've wanted to tell you. he also would say get some popcorn, it's a long'n.

erhmm (you'll forgive the poor spelling and grammar because i wasn't an honour roll student until the 7th grade. where my honour remained for the remainder of my academic career...).

two worlds.

(jan.12-1998.) my name is ross, and & i live in costa mesa, california. it was my last day at school before i got my big suprise. i was just ~~achieving~~ getting my report card when i saw my mom at the door. i hurridly took my card & shook hands. i yelled goodbye & went to my mom.
"hey, ross how was school?" asked my mom.
"it was awesome! I got my report card!" i answered exitedly.
"great!" said my mom. then i remembered something.
"what's the surprise you were telling me about?" i asked with a longing face.
"i'll tell you when we get home." replied my mom. the drive home seemed to take forever (even though it was only 5 minutes away). when we finally got home, i hopped out of the van & ran to the door.
"okay, whats the suprise?" i questioned getting more exited by the minute.
"just wait" said my my mom chuckling at the same time, "inside i'll tell you, you little rascal!" insulted my mom. we went inside & i questioned again:
"now?"
"go sit down by your dad & i'll tell you." she said firmly. i went and sat down reluctantly as i was told.
"we've decided that you will be going to camp this year with your friend max." (max is my best friend).
"yees!!!" i whaled loudly.
"now go & get packed. the bus will be leaving after breakfast tomorrow." explained my mom. i nodded & went up to my room to pak. i knew max & i were going to do some pranks, so i packed my prank stuff. when i was done paking i called max.
"max! i can't wait till tomorrow. can't you?" i asked over the phone.
"no i can't. it's too exiting!" he said in his croaky voice.
"well see ya' tomorrow!"
"bye,"
"bye!" i said finally & hung up.

(jan. 14) max & i had discussed every prank we were going to do at camp. the next morning we were off & ready to load the bus.
"ready for the first prank?" i asked in a hyperactive voice.
"you bet!" said max exitedly
"whoopy cusion time!" we ~~hollared~~ ~~hallowred~~ yelled together. we quickly lifted the seat & placed the blown up cusion underneath. we sat in the seat behind & both farted loudly.
"ha,ha,haaah!" laughed a kid ~~behind~~ in front of us.
"hey, shut up!" i yelled.
"ross, we were just woopy ~~cousoned~~ ~~cousioned~~ cushioned!" he yelled franticly.
"oh, were going to get you back! big time!" i yelled at the kids two seats ahead of us.
"oh, yeah? how?" they said moving back a seat. then they realized they sat in the whoopy cusioned seat.
"that's how!" max sayed as we roared with ~~lafghter~~ laughter
"we'll get you back! just you wait!" he yelled. for the rest of the ride we kept on pestering them until we ran out of tears from laughing so hard. by the time we got there, it was the middle of the afternoon. we drove by the big sign saying:

CAMP AQUA the greatest ~~expirience~~ experience ever!

when we were UNloaded ~~onto~~ off the bus, we went to meet our counselars. there were normally six to a cabin (excluding the counselOrs), but we had five. luckily for us, the two we pestered were in our cabin. our counselors name was eric, & he seemed to like pranks too. the other three prancksters were kyle, joseph, & carey (kyle & joseph were the ones we made fun of). so we, as a cabin decided to do pranks with each other & not on each other. first we caught frogs & put them in the girls cabins, then we threw rocks at the fishing hole to scare the fish away. after a whole day of pranks, ~~they~~ we decided to do one last prank: put a skunk in the cafeteria! we went out to find one (by then it was dark) in the forest. joseph was climbing a tree (to look for a skunk) when he slid down looking very pail.
"joseph, whats wrong, you look like you've seen an alien!" said eric. joseph replied:
"how did you know?" we all looked very puzzled, then looked up. ~~i tried to scream but my throat was too dry.~~ there, about 500 feet up was a strange looking UFO! all of the sudden a bright red light shot out of the ship. we all started floating up. i was all of the sudden scared of heights. every thing started getting darker, darker, darker... black.

"hey ross, wake up." said a framiliar voice. then i recognized the voice of max.
"ross, you've got to wake up!" he said again.
"ohh, what happened?" i groaned.
"we were sucked up by the UFO we saw last night." he explained.
"go on."
"well, while you fainted we were all speechless."
"yes?"
"well, we saw the alien & his name is vrow he is a lecton. i know this will be a lot to take in but you must hear it. vrow has asked us to join in the great battle of the moon." he said, sounding a little nervous.
"what did we decide?" i asked, getting more exited by the minute.
"we left it up to you."
"can i see vr- whats his name?" i asked. max moved aside to revele a small alien. he was only about three feet tall & his skin was yellowish green. he had three eyes & a long skinny tail.
"well?" said vrow in a tiny voice.
"well who exactly are we fighting?" i asked. vrow replied:
"we are fighting creatures called relds. with my ~~people~~ fellow lections & your intelligence, we will try to save your world by destroying the reld mother ship. if we fail, the mother ship will create a power ful beam & cause your world great pain & suffering. before long, all human kind will be destroyed."
"well i'm in for it." said max.
"and if you're in it all of us are!" i said in a triumphant voice. ~~then we must~~
"then we must get your weapons & protection right away!" replied vrow. when we had all our gear on & i looked at my team. they looked as if they'ed been fighting for years.
"let's kick some reld butt!" said joseph. and off we went, on a course for the moon. when we got there, we saw the relds! they were huge, practically all muscle & bone. we also noticed the reld mother ship being constructed. then last of all, ~~vrow's people~~ lectons by the hundreds. we landed & emediatly jumped out & started jumping toward ~~the relds~~ the lectons. ~~i think you could say that the relds were pure musle & bone.~~ one reld was in our territory. he noticed me, & i shot three shots & he ~~fell down~~ floated away dead. we moved toward ~~our team.~~ ~~vrows people.~~ ~~the lectons~~ our team. i noticed that the lectons could breath, as well as stay on the moon's surface. i was started to get a little tense because the relds were on the move. two of the relds i observed were starting to join to gether, & then grew even bigger. that's when the battle began.
"don't shoot one at a time. only three or more shots." said vrow.
"okay. lets move!" i said into my communicator.

we broke into a ~~run~~ fast bounce, the laser beams now flying every where. i shot & realized it was only one. it hit a reld, & it multiplied into two. the two that had joined was coming toward us, & fast! it was crushing everything in sight, even relds! but every time it did that, it grew even bigger. i was shooting rapidly, now killing everything i saw. i looked over at max & saw ~~him going toward the big reld~~ he wasn't there.
"get back max!" yelled joseph. i looked & saw max running toward the reld.
"it's ok," he said back
"no its not daneit!" i ~~hollared~~ yelled. then i saw what he was doing. he rolled under the foot of the big reld. he jumped all the way to it's head & fired rapidly at it. the reld roared in pain and exploded into a big, red mess. it didn't do any good because the relds grew bigger when the blood hit ~~him~~ them. they easily joined up again & grew at least the size of the mothership. there were no relds left exept for this one. horns grew from its head, & it grew two more arms. it's eyes turned ~~musle~~ yellow & glowed. there were only a couple of us left. but to my suprise, all the lectons joined together too, & grew the same size as the reld.
"go! destroy the mothership!" said the ~~thing~~ lecton.
"you heard him, go!" said eric. the ~~thing~~ lecton & the reld began a tremendous fight. if you were me, you would say goodbye to WWF. we started shooting at the half-done mothership. while ~~the~~ we were shooting the Thing punched and arm off the reld & it landed on the mother ship. electrical sparks went every where & then ~~max~~ carey & kyle said:
"hit the deck! it's gonna blow!" we went sprawling across the surface when the mothership blew up. i swear, if the side of the moon we were on, you wouldv'e seen that explosion from earth. we started shooting the reld from behind. the thing was now beating the living stuff out of that reld & the explosion just weakened it. i shot one last shot, & the reld exploded into gallons of blood, bones & muscles. the thing shrank ~~into~~ down to it's normal size, & multiplied back to its regular numbers.
"thanks vrow. we couldn't of have done that without you." i said.
"& i couldn't of done it without you." said vrow.
"well, that was fun, but it's time to go back to camp." eric said, but we all knew we had saved the earth. ~~i will always remember that heck of a battle~~

THE END

(spills popcorn in a fury) like THAT?! young tyler, well intention-ed sir. obvs you are unfamiliar with the assumed extra-terrestrial mechanics of breathing and moon-movement, as are you far to quick to completion when the climax is actually acquired. i rate this story as a metaphor for your first sexual encounter. i'm gonna go watch street sharks.

misdirection, arrogance, contentment

2012-01-06T04:04:00.003-07:00

those batteries are dead and that playlist is no longer fresh. despite the most selfish of intentions your attitude remains in the stale embrace of 'good enough'. you could stand and feel your worth but instead you recline and feel satisfactory. excellence eludes you because you don't have the patience to see where guidance leads you, what boldness allows you to do, or what victory actually feels like.

so we stay awake and drink in the ambitions of others and process them into the ability to receive inspiration. i know success, however measured, is spread thin over an achievement i didn't work hard to get. and we know the outcome of that direction, or this direction, and even the one over there. they are all answers to the questions we ask with veiled whispers, intended to mask the insecurity of our future. death is near, as it always has been and will be- but we can evade it for a moment more by relieving the weight of these beliefs. leave the panty pinching and expressive calculations for the teenagers and politicians.

here comes the wave, let's see if we can ride it.

(know hope).

GIGGLEFITS!

2012-01-05T00:23:00.001-07:00

that hasn't happened to me in awhile. we have friends staying over in the next room so i had to suppress my mirth. so i had to share it with you to feel complete.

also, Formal Sweatpants - New Comics

zombies!

2011-12-31T01:22:00.010-07:00

argyle. oh man i've been so excited to write this. 2011 may have been roller coaster qualified, but when it was up and rising it was pristine.

ten songs.

keep yourself warm. frightened rabbit
sail. AWOLnation
escape. the devil wears prada
aspiring fires. mother mother
when we escape. minus the bear
it never ends. bring me the horizon
let live. of mice & men
and open letter to myself. architects
don't lose your love. driftdivision
a lesson never learned. asking alexandria

ten albums.

young love. mat kearney
what separates me from you. a day to remember
camp. childish gambino
illuminaudio. chiodos
the hollow. memphis may fire
dead throne. the devil wears prada
omni. minus the bear
hats off to the bull. chevelle
the flood. of mice & men
driftdivision ep. driftdivision AND zombie ep. the devil wears prada

new bands.

architects.
we came as romans.
woe is me.
driftdivision.
la dispute.
minus the bear.
i see stars.
chunk! no, captain chunk!
for all those sleeping.
frightened rabbit.

redeemed bands.

blindside.
chiodos.
the red jumpsuit apparatus.
a skylit drive.

seven movies.

harry potter and the deathly hallows part 2.
everything must go.
30 minutes or less.
fast five.
crazy, stupid, love.
attack the block.
midnight in paris.

presumptuously awesome movies i missed. which is why i only have seven.

drive*
beginners*
50/50*
tinker tailor soldier spy*
cowboys and aliens* ... i can wait longer.
red state*
muppets* FOR SHAME!

movies in 2012...

the hobbit.
brave.
the dark knight rises.
the avengers.
snow white and the huntsman.
project x.
the hunger games.
the amazing spider-man.
.... and mission impossible IV + the girl with the dragon tattoo because i haven't seen them yet. cripes.

happiest music: mat kearney, or any of the silver-gold of punk goes pop 4.
angriest: i'm gonna give it to oh, sleeper this year.
emotionally entangling: la dispute (with an award in goosebumpery to transit).
most pleasantly surprising: a skylit drive's cover of 'love the way you lie'.
most pleasantly shocking: silverstein covering 'runaway'.
best cover: i see stars, 'til the world ends'.
best concert: i can say the devil wears prada this year... followed very closely by august burns red. black eyes gain proper status.
biggest party: decentralized dance party.
best executed party: wine + cheesies, or dahloween 4.4.
most elaborate party: cowboys vs. indians.
best handshake: andrew cobb. made me feel like a child...
healthiest new food investment: beans. beans. the MAGICAL fruit. and so on.
worst food combination: corn dogs. with tequila. with wine...
most solid fruit: we're grapin', baby.
best road trip: i'll go with the shortest road trip. seany, suz and tyler go to canmore.
best kept statement of self growth: guidance boldness victory. or skinny jeans.
best insult: anything avoiding insulting.
most used quote: well... it's either an unintentional 'fiiieeiiiine' or a very deliberate 'it's gonna happen!'
favorite job: skimming. with a canvas.
best new life objective: upholding the unfortunate need of whoever paints grey splotches on civic property.
most awesome dalhouse discovery: fort february. or thirsty thursdays.
biggest manchievement: skying three people in ultimate.
favorite new life objective: discipline? justification? no... designation of relation.
most awesome web discovery: unearth.com or fuckyeahtattoos.tumblr.com
most excellent new form of social networking/photo sharing: instagram. or she likes pigeons.

five videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_HXUhShhmY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulIOrQasR18
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaoLU6zKaws
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_2eU1ykV3k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbV5hn_ET0U

aww c'mons.

guarantees.
ticket purchase gambling.
hours quoted vs. hours executed.
clutch timing.
rum emotions.

#'s.

camping adventures: 3...? right? at least three tentings.
times wearing a tie: none.
mohawks: 1.
crying moments caused by viewing the karate kid: 2.
paintings: 15. and probably at least 15 houses.
tattoos: 2.
awesome parties: 9. at least. plus 4 painting parties.
road trips: 5
road trips 10+ hours: 3
engagements: every year i say a lot. i'm pruning it down. 4.
weddings: f o u r.
babies: billions.

'twenty eleven... be nice.' you bitch! you were nice. you were also twisted and conniving. and loop de loopy. but mostly, you were like walking barefoot across a field of freshly-but-not-yet-raked cut grass. except the dirt is frozen and sometimes there are pebbles that penetrate the skin. all for the benefit of a more vibrant greenery.
twenty twelve, Game on like a Boss morder game face INittowinit and Victory.

five pics.

other glasses just don't cut it.

half a picture sometimes just works better than a whole picture.

this IS the end goal, isn't it? well it's my easiest answer.

forest is the easiest way to maintain epic-ness in any situation.

my bfa, actually.

it happened again.

2011-12-25T23:58:00.004-07:00

i've always had a grinchy distaste for Christmas... and i always blamed materialism and shoddy music for my confliction, but as i've thought and pondered i've come to preachily realize that i just hate WHAT we are during the season. because it's temporary. it's a mask, and it seems fake, no matter how genuine it truly is. because when we contain all our goodwill, love and affection into one season (when it is something we could be doing for one another every day), i feel like we're missing the point. forget the birth. forget the gifts. people feel good on Christmas because strangers are nice to strangers, the hungry get fed, the lonely get acquainted, and families become families. on the GOOD Christmas years. there is still a ridiculous amount of brokenness and madness that we are infected with even within the season.

but shame on me, as i thought it was the best thing ever when the guy packing my bags at the grocery store struck up a conversation that seemed so affectionate for just our passing exchange. we had our moment, said goodbye and 'merry Christmas' and went our ways. so why haven't i been doing this with anyone and everyone i come across in my last 25 years of life? yeah i can smile and speak with an innocent inflection that claims 'yeah, we could be friends'. but my expressions are hollow when they aren't filled with the intention to acknowledge them as a human being, someone equally as important and worth dying for as me. the center of the universe is me. as their center is to them. Christ didn't come off his throne to be born into the shoddiest of circumstances so that i could treat my fellow human like they are welcome in my universe for 1/24th of the year. what Christmas is SHOULD (and could...) be the norm.

grinch or no grinch i think it's time to step out from behind our trees and hold hands with someone new everyday.

the increasingly noticable mortality of my cat is starting to get to me.

2011-12-22T14:31:00.003-07:00

also, i've had to satisfy the compulsion in my head to justify a 'filler' tattoo.

but this is why filler is alright.

death is coming for us all. our moments are spent collecting devices + resources that we'll use to barricade out the inevitable. whether we embrace it or not, we avoid the interaction while it's in our control. it's the moments in between self preserving items that dictate how we approach the end. we can leave it empty, untouched + accepted like a waiting room- or we can scrape the beauty out of every hidden opportunity we encounter + cross the finish line knowing what beautiful looks like.

short and sweet and heard before, but it's a sugar cube in my brain coffee. and that satisfies my soul.

two dates and a sleep over.

2011-12-19T23:56:00.002-07:00

new standard for judging how compatible i am with a girl. step one. find a girl to have date one with. step two. make sure we've been friends long enough to be comfortable spooning with each other. step three. (alarm noise) neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh! screw formulas planning or expectation. or paper. connection, communication, and ... i haven't been clever enough to figure out the third 'c' word. because it doesn't matter really, i'm quite good at sabotage, espionage and ... CAMOUFLAGE! (count it, double clever victory).

what happened today?

eric played softball. and it was so fun to watch. he rules.
kimjongil died. i don't give a shit (actually, lies that's potentially scary).
san francisco won. i remember once when i was a fan of the 49ers. fan-dome returneth.
i became immensely proud of a tattoo i'm drawing.
i saw the first 'dark knight rises' trailer and got mad goosebumps.

wow today was a doooooozy. i DID skype with jef miller and jeff conrad and it rocked my world. i love catching up. not like there is a giant amount of change happening at home, but clearly enough developments/situations developING that not being there puts me out of the immediate loop. and finding these things out is such a joy. i also had a rad talk with eric and it's helped me realize that calgary truly is where i belong. i love traveling, getting out and exploring and adventuring, but all my heart and passions and dareisay establishments are within my giant city. i'm not in a rush to get back, but i'm comfortable knowing that no matter what direction i'm going, calgary is where i'm always headed.

why can't i bold or italics anymore?!

2011-12-18T21:37:00.002-07:00

i know why guys go to 'lights' shows. yeah her music is alright. but if you asked them their intentions, i'd be giving the same answer. they and me would say 'my plan is to chill about, like i don't really care that i'm at a lights show, find some way to mistakenly wander backstage, and woo her'. because that is the only reason i'd be going to a lights show. yeah, her music is alright... but she's so damn hot the more exciting thing would be wishing for a chance to bring her my future children. THEN her music could be fully enjoyed. but this is all speculation. i could end up going to a lights show and be blown away (probably would be with these shallow expectations). i also think the same thing when i see many many girls go to a (insert damn hot dude musician of choice) show. but maybe i just have sex on the brain.

or maybe... i`m just THAT challenge acceptable and want the ultimate of ultimate impossible girl. clearly i want to be in a relationship (walks down the hallway laughing).

times like these

2011-12-16T23:43:00.002-07:00

foo fighters yo.

and it's times like these i know i could live here. good party? great party. great people. and so the dilemma starteth. the minute i knew i said i'd come home in feb is the minute i knew opportunity would arise. real opportunity? i dunno. you tell me (call me mr. deleteth because i cannot type real good right now. i correct many a typo). somebody dropped an art teacher bomb. and i got excited because i was all 'i could RUIN those students!' and i let my heart get involved. though now that we're playing the 'mentioning' game i'm sure that nothing will come of it, but the fact that i got THIS excited over teaching gets me thinking something fierce. about teaching. and how i said i'd never do it but OH OH OH the things i could do through invading the perception of other artists. who knows.

also whilst drinking i notice the insane ability to misuse our english language by other individuals. and it's infuriating. we are middle of the vernacular food chain at this rate. generalization puts us all in a tight box of shame. sanskrit for the aesthetic win. DO SOMETHING PRETTY YOU F***ING 'T' UGNH!

logicthoughts

2011-12-09T04:47:00.002-07:00

i just realized that the snooze button is a bunch of people. the first time the alarm goes off, it's that know it all 'i can do anything and get up before you do and wake you up because i'm entitled to do so because of my ability'. a sweet kid, but a jackass of consideration. so you press snooze. the second time the alarm goes off, it's like some douche bag who just publicly dissed someone so hard, it was worthy of him (or her) standing up, raising his/her arms and making that 'i'm fucking awesome' face and walking slowly away from this space. after that, the snoozes become tiny welcome reminders that the world is out there, and you should go conquer it. the moms of timing, if you will. no so abrupt and abrasive as the previous people, but firm enough so you decide it's your own doing to get up and go to disneyworld. however nice beer with 'the jezabels' woulda been.

spattered and battered

2011-12-08T13:40:00.003-07:00

i fight REAL hard to pour myself into my work instead of pour myself into my beloved nostalgic procrastination (it was all well and good when school ended and it was only homework that was allowed to be neglected...). the problem is, once i leave my work, it takes doubly as long to reset my mind back into a productive state. i contain the discipline to not turn on N64 and blast off hours of goldeneye... jet force gemini... pokemon snap... or any of the other games that made up a large portion of my adolescence... but i lack the discipline to force myself in front of several prepared surfaces and just go at it. ONCE i do, i can do it for hours without eating or peeing or thinking about things, but it's all in passing the threshold of releasing my grasp on the freedom of a task-less existence. perhaps i'm just not hungry enough yet... i know there are apples in the fridge, IF'YA'KNOWWhhhHATIMEAN (laughs 'dad laugh' manically)...

i do love what i'm doing. i'm just wrestling with the prospect that i'm not going to sell anything whilst here. which means i'm drawing nearer to a decision on when my actual departure date will be. it's not that i don't think i COULD sell art here, i just see far more pressing matters. the recession actually shows here, and i don't think art is high on anyone's priority list. i feel mighty spoiled in calgary, where i can summon a buyer at any moment i feel i am in need... and apparently it's made me soft. i panic at my lack of sustainable living right now, so i've gotta figure some things out in my head... sort through some options...

but the good (psh, GREAT) part is, i'm here, living with my bro for the first time in a roommate situation, i've met heaps of really good people so far through him, and i have the same freedoms and am maintaining the same lifestyle i was living in calgs (i'm totally living in calgary's time zone... going to bed at 5, walking up at noon.... i didn't need am's in canada and i surely don't need them here (YET)). i'm just waiting to see what my purpose to being here actually is. i'm prepared for whatever. it could be grand and adventurous, or it could be what this is... doing what i do and counting down once again to another departure. or arrival... OR i could stop this nonsensical blogging and WORK. because i'm going to disneyworld tomorrow. via connections and free accesses and whatnot. perhaps friday will be my sabbath. on my way to going to paint i'm going to ask eric if he wants to toss the disc around. i'm so good at this.

in other news:

chevelle has a new album and it's delicious.

'30 minutes or less' was actually one of the funniest movies i've seen this year.

i can't find a download for steve aoki's remix of 'the pursuit of happiness' and it's infuriating.

eric said bananas go brown real quick here. he didn't lie and it daily shocks me.

asparagus is awesome.

i just said 'i'll dip shit in other shit in spirit' on an invitation and i feel great about it.

this was my end mo. next year is gonna be FOR REAL.

memory triggers.

2011-12-03T21:03:00.004-07:00

i feel guilty because the entire time i was plotting on leaving, i was plotting on leaving without saying goodbye, and just like... having a note on the fridge. be all bad ass and make my presence wrapped in a veil of mystery and suspense... and then finally someone who pays attention would notice the note and be all 'oh snap he left!' and then text me 'you wily dog....' but it would be too late because i'd have left so early i would already have crossed the border and into the place where airplane mode rules and getting internet is like getting a drink of water after a jog. and i wouldn't get the text until i returned to canada, 2-5 months later and chuckle to myself as i received a barrage of months old text messages regarding my whereabouts the surprises of my beloved ones.

ALAS. i cried. too much. and all the way home. then again. and then it became a joke as i didn't leave and then continued to didn't leave... and THEN i left, and it was a joyous fully alone experience anyways. got my closure, got my bad ass. i'm breakin this down into KM sections because... when i stop writing then start writing again, i binge and write everything. think of them as chapters. read at your own pace. tis'nt a race. but i always do this don't i...

kms 1-1284.

it was nice because although i wanted to try and sleep (since i was going to leave at the same time via cell phone communication with my edmonton family at 5:30am), i ended up not finishing painting/packing/eating til 3:30, so i decided psh, i'm leaving now. so i did. at 4:30 because my comp was being a waaaaaaaaaaankerBUTIDIGRESS- i was to meet my fam in regina, approximately 8-9 hours later. 7 hours later, when i arrived after several close calls involving drowsiness, mild hallucinations and urination withholding, i quickly went the wrong direction through regina (y'know, so i could say i've seen it (and now that i've seen it, i can rightly judge it as 'sucked' without feeling the guilt of an ignorant accusation)) until i stumbled upon the assigned chapters rendezvous. after cheaply purchasing 'ender's game' (victory.) i set up my bed in scout and snoozed until laughter and the knocking of windows aroused me to greet my smiling cousins. uncle bought me starbucks. i climbed into the jeep with cousins and gave my keys to uncle to take scout for a spin and soon enough (after the untimely arrival of caffeine mixed with family greetings E N E R G Y) i was passed right out. it was a glorious time travel as we had promptly reached the town of estevan and it was now my turn to get back in scout and drive across the border. which... going into ND, is soooooooOOOOOO much easier than other border crossings.. because they don't care. the most penetrating question i got was why i had a tennis racket, going to a place where it was obviously winter. not the flat of spray paint, over packed bags for 'a thanksgiving visit' or the box of puppies... just jostling me for having an expectation of a pleasant match vs anyone who dare challenge my inexperienced yet aggressively hostile serve. regardless, i never drive away from a border crossing stating 'that was a joy.' because it has only happened once. this once.

5-6 hours later we arrived in the lovely bismarck, north dakota, where we were showered with promises of sloppy joes and family interactions. my immediate fam was already there and after quick hellos and the usually 'cripes you're big' surprises, we discovered the lads would be staying in the basement together. for the first time in 8 years! excitement. my exhausted brain couldn't handle must stimulus beyond this, and quickly degraded into silent couch sitting and quiet observing of the subtle conversations of the family blood around me (though at one point, when it was just us 'children' in the basement, david said he had a good story and i PROMPTLY told him i was going to follow up his story, with a better story. so he told his story, which was monitored by the ever listening ears of eric who was quick to guard and censor as david started with saying it was in a bar. drew assured us our 15 year old cousin karis could handle it (detrimental to my debilitated understanding as you'll soon see) and as david continued and finished his story, my immediate follow up/opening sentence was 'so i had this wet dream...' which was very quickly introduced to the pleading shouts of all 4 listeners in the room. karis ran out, david through drew gaped in shock at my lack of tact (although gave me permission to finish the story once little karis had left), and immediately i became the brunt of hours of verbal prodding. of course they would tell father and uncle the filth that so freely flowed from my mouth. there was nothing i could do but smile as when i woke up to my dad's insistence on acknowledging the daylight, he looked at me and made sure to say 'you dry?' (which makes me KNOW he takes great joy and pride in holding the poor judgement of his son over his head in a wonderfully loving and sarcastic way). i would too. beware, future unfiltered son. i hold cards.

eventually, more stuff happened like scategories, puss'n boots, football games and internets. wonderful cousin time with mother's side of the family (actually a ridiculous joy (aside from the instinctual NEED for incessant song singing as a group, as the roehl family does so love), seeing cousins not seen in 4 years, bonding with ones that actually remember me, and being adult like with the uncle's and aunts). but in time... sunday morning came, and as i knew there was no way i could ever again sit through a sunday service at my g'ma's church (hey now, not bad, i was at her 80th birthday party and i didn't even make a SCENE like a GOOD grandson. do this to me 15 (lies. 10 (double lies. 5)) years ago and shit would have been disturbed), i once again early morning bailed and began the race with my 'rents to arrive in detroit first.

music from this section of road was mostly comprised of shuffle, and discovering which songs on the 'less highly anticipated than 3' punk goes pop 4 album were gold or shit. luckily, i've only deleted 4-5 songs from the ipod therefore dubbing at least 60% of the album bronze or better.

kms 1284-3078.

nd is devilishly beautiful at some points, and other times it is so similar to saskatchewan and montana, if you blindfolded me and through me from my vehicle, allowed me a nights rest and told me to awake and tell you where i was, i literally couldn't do it (try the same situation in another geographical context and I BET THE SAILOR i can figure out where i am). after having an actual chunk of sleep (lies again, i slept on the couch which turned into the floor which in turn gave me 2 COUNT IT 2 hours of legitimate life giving sleep) i felt primed and ready to tackle the roads ahead of me. i was now the proud owner a fiiiiiheiiiine new atlas, which was on the docket as a gift since last Christmas when i made a disgusted face at the shiny new gps i had been gifted. fresh pages of discover and knowing at all times where i am... sure, gps does the same thing. but it also tells me where to go, which is ABOMINABLE on trips of this caliber. we... do not get along. i'm a map guy. i like plotting and learning and observing. not following and waiting and watching. had i a gps, i wouldn't have zoned out and missed my turn to drive through minneapolis instead of above it, therefore not have discovered the dozens of towns that line st. paul with unusable highway speeds that constantly tease and probe the frustrations of my gas foot and cruise controls... experiences, right? global positioning system PAH. more like... gaining perspective sometimes...

the joy about this leg of the trip was the inevitable crossing of paths between me and my lovely DTS friend joseph foote. he was probably only an hour out of the way in the now super dark (and road-killy... good grief so much deer death (this one cop was in the middle of the highway with his lights on and direction arrow pointing 'defs not straight', and he was throwing bloodly chunks of SOMETHING off of the highway... it was like starfish beached on ... the beach. except it was something that used to be alive and was now in hundreds of pieces) wisconsin. wait... did i miss anything in the rest of nd or minnesota? .... no. i ate biscuits and gravy. with TWO fried eggs on top. that is the alexandria, minnesota gold plaque of experiences. also, i went to take a road nap then went NOPE no time, gotta have beer with joe! so beer we had. lovely to catch up, both with my bro AND buffalo wild wings. it had been too long my friend... joe told me i could crash at his place if he wanted, but i was all 'nah, i'm only an hour from chicago (what? 2ish? challenge accepted) therefore 7 hours from detroit... i think i'll be ok. and i was.. i got the wonderful chance to go through milwaukee en route TO chicago, and as much as i didn't want to just skiiiiiiiim the tip there was simply a faster freeway and i chose that instead. but chicago was a joy as always, and as i texted jef to brag it became late and indiana, and i knew i had to focus on the irritatingly familiar kms ahead. it snowed a bit, and in my attempt to cleanly wipe away the moisture from my vision my perfectly tied down window wiper fell askew, so i had to pull over and fix it. it was damned exciting.

eventually around 6am (oh time zones and changes... you always never (ha) fail to impress me with your inability to make me feel efficient (shakes fist towards the easternly direction)) i got into the predictably quiet grosse pointe and floundered my way into my parents home. once again as usual, i was bombarded by the intensely distinct smell of hoooome and i loved it and hugged max and super hugged my bed and slept very, very well. storybook well. father woke me up around 2 and allowed me to come run errands with him, motorcycle shiz and getting a new less but still crappy phone for my pockets... i decided i would meet with a few peeps but nothin big... coffee with clare, after bible study interaction with rach, joel and liz... and then sleep! the next was lauren, then with rach to karl and lizzie's, also with mccall. and then my big date on wednesday was ender's shadow, and that's IT. cuddles from max and reading. it was the best day EVERRRRRRRR. mexican with the 'rents for dinner, and early to bed for another 6 am departure.

the music that probably saved my life on this round was consistashuffle, where no choices beyond 'skip' were made because once i dive deep enough into a playlist, i feel like i've invested something and hopping out midway instead of seeing all 1590 songs through would destroy any sense of commitment i had left. though i will say i delighted eeeeeeverytime childish gambino, bring me the horizon, or mat kearney was on. i secretly vied for these options but would do nothing about it. typical? or withholdingly genius.

kms 3078-4858. (a projected 2 day, 4 hour trek. that's 52 hours! total driving time for me was 48 1/2 hours... but spread over 9 days and 4 hours. i have become mega OCD about numbers and remembering times... it's kinda out of control. i just have to know these things. is there an opposite phobia for measurement? i think i'll call it an affection for quantification.)

you know what happens when i go early to bed, before a knowledgeable road trip departure? i get into/stay in bed from midnight and slowly coax myself away from the internet and into lights out sleep mode, and then i don't sleep until 4:45 and wake right up at 5:30 for a shower. excessive sleep and travel do not prom date each other. the need for speed and efficiency prevails as headmaster and dean in the school of priorities. regardless of my capacity for sleep, i've found a wonderful joy in taking advantage on the black of morning and witnessing the first light of day creeping into my perfectly temperatured car. and ruining it... constantly making me go from 18 degrees to 18.5 degrees because 18.25 degrees is JUST TOO DEMANDING isn't it, nissan?! just jokes, i love the sun. allowing more people to spill onto the freeways and clog the arteries of my once dark and clean streets UNG day travel blows. not bitter. i just had to time it right because i needed to meet my lovely friend kristin for coffee and or tea in knoxville, tennessee! which is also a new secret to staying awake and not pulling over for a nap... if i need to be somewhere, i'll just get there! because not being there isn't an option. therefore: set a goal, and sleep will piss right off.

all gripes and special errands aside (i had to go to michigan state to drive david to class first. nooooo psych i had to pick up a djembe and bass guitar, THEN drive david to class), i was most looking forward to this part of the trip, because i had never been further south (on this side of this continent) then taylor university, indiana... which runs parallel on my route with wapakoneta, ohio. oh you KNOW exactly where that is. i do now, and everything south of there on the 75. so going past this point was the start of something exciting.. the unknown. the shroud of uncertainty cleared when i remembered cities are usually all pretty similar, and the only thing that would actually change in scenery was ... k nothing, but it got warmer. kinda... if it were day by the time i got that far south. BUT I HAD NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE and that was important and STILL very exciting for the 'places i probably don't need to go again' checklist. BUFFOONERY, i'm positive there are gems everywhere i went. i just really desired my destination and didn't have time to seek them. i will say i quite enjoyed cincinatti the most, because it was big enough to FEEL like a big city, without the intimidation of manic crowds and overwhelming skyscrapers. and it was noon and the freeway cut right through the city so i could see everything. tea with kristin in knoxville was brief because she had to be on time for opening up a new chapter for family dinner (what whaaaaaaaat) but it was joyous to reconnect with yet another old friend and hear encouragement about life and the way God works.

after stealing precious internets from panera whilst parked in my car creepily, me and the dusk headed ourselves into georgia with no time based goals or expectations until our destination in crystal river. atlanta was pretty rad- i had to pee reeeeeaaaaAAAALLY bad so as soon as i found an inner city exit with 'you may relieve yourself here' confirmation signs, i hop skipped into the first gas station i saw... and perhaps i'm a closet racist steeped in assumption, or perhaps it actually was a less than admirable neighborhood, OR perhaps i just had to pee so bad my powers of observation and deduction were blurred by the insatiable need to urinate... but whatever the circumstance, i puffed up my chest, rolled up my sleeves to tattoo viewing length, and bought vitamin water like fiddy' would and i cruised out of there feeling like a well used literary device. probably a metaphor or alliteration or something. i was king of atlanta. until i needed gas and couldn't find anything cheaper than 3.39... a full 30 cents more expensive than the countryside boasted. bollox said i, and purchased a measly ten dollars so i could refill at a more financially convenient time. and the time came. and so did the need to acknowledge a developing curiosity.... since tennessee, or perhaps even KENTUCKY my eyes had been bombarded by blocks of yellow with black letters reading 'waffle house' at every since gas station exit, alongside the best of 'em like mcdonalds and arby's and even starbucks. it was time to find out what was UP (although it was poor luck because i had passed the chance to eat at a 'diners, drive-ins, and dives' restaurant that was now 40 miles behind me... because i wasn't hungry then... deeeeep regret). and what was up was 'what do you mean you've never been here before?' and a single waffle and two eggs. over easy, like bond would have them. to go? i guess so. and so i drove away from a perfectly sit-able establishment and 20 minutes later shadily parked behind a gas station and wolfed down a lukewarm waffle and eggs. and they were crack i tell you... something... druggy... about the deliciousness of that waffle. i ventured back out on track and wondered what this 'waffle house' was comparable too... i would guess it's reputation was as it's associated proximity to such corporations as mc's arbs and 'bucks... but i would not know until i boldly asked someone i knew. likely eric.

and the fact that i just wrote about waffles as the most exciting part of my drive makes me sad. the self induced expectation of southern ninjas battling me on the lower half of georgia INTO early dawn norther florida was not to come pass... instead i was convinced into sleep mode via eric logic, and crashed for a sleep chunk at a rest stop, and woke up to indulge the curiosity of what a hot waffle would taste like. i shit you not, those fleeting moments between when the waffle is scalding hot and rapidly transitioning from perfect to mediocre temperatures, were the single most meta-experience experiences i've ever had. because i was doing it because i was hungry, but i was doing it more so i could experience a cocaine waffle at it's peak perfection, and i was aware of what i was pursuing and SO observed myself observing it i didn't really notice what i ate. yeah it was pretty good. but truly nothing special because the best part about that experience was the predictable oh, surprise! banter of myself and the waitress about how i'm from canada and waffle houses aren't open 24-7 and that any inquisition about such establishments would be actual news to me therefore exciting to disclose. it was good times to be sure but good-er times lie aheadeth. i drove into the dawn and arrived safely (but not without frustration as assuming people are going to drive slow proved affirmative, although my reckless reaction to such admirable patience was less than acceptable *cough*swerveaccelerateswerve*cough*cometostoplight*cough* lowersheadinshaaaaaaaame..) at a sweeeeeeeet looking bungalow with a sexy silver ford taurus station wagon in the driveway. home baby! home.

now as this shuffle playlist came to it's close, i decided that yes, it's fully time to dive into what i want. and what i wanted was non-stop childish gambino, twice and a half, along with deep investments with the devil wears prada (dead throne), and a heavy HEAVY dose of the new remixed album stepped up and scratched, by asking alexandria. i danced so hard i got re-exhausted after getting so amped up. rookie dubstep/metal mistake.

crystal river, florida.

so... i'm here. and i'm pretty jacked. it reaaaaaaally reminds me of new zealand... smells like it, kinda sorta looks like it, and definitely FEELS like it (leaving all i know and coming to a foreign territory with very little expectation of what's about to happen.. and a bunk bed to boot). though i've got back up like eric, who's shown me all the wonderful surfaces i'm allowed to pillage and paint upon... the massive backyard in which we should probably fill with dozens of puppies... the hope of starting a pickup game of ultimate each saturday morning... as long as i network well and actually get some sales started, i think i could live here for awhile. if not, calgs here i come. my first five hours were filled with unpacking, half a game of frisbee golf, and constantly having the horrid realization that i'm an ignorant youth (noticing myself gasping on the inside EVERY time we walk into a new building or establishment and seeing the astounding number of old people). then we bailed and drove 5 more hours to miami where we met our buddy scott from california. will smith would be proud. miami is sweet. but crystal river seems pretty awesome thus far, so i am excited.

but i reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally miss my dalhouse family. all ya'll. so keep prodding me to come back so i don't forget where i'm from.

fin. unlikely. no more holding it all in and releasing it like a latched up hose filled with water.

i think a lot of things are stupid.

2011-11-14T03:08:00.002-07:00

Christmas. some weddings. most wedding things. the lack of mail going about this place. lists riddled with expectations and the irrationality that accompanies them. relationships in general. Christmas music.

but there are a lot of things i don't think are stupid.

like art. music. those times when you smile at something stupid in your head, but nobody else is around. little victories. the first time for many things. snow/skate/surf-ing. a justified and properly witty use of the word fuck. when you feel like a thug because you're listening to hip hop. packing...

most importantly in THIS instant, here is a vie, a sigh, a try, and a why.

a vie: i am putting forth an effort to become jeff conrad's best man. i think i'll get it, BUT be there any competition... let yourself be warned, i'm going to destroy your mundane efforts. first you will receive a letter, VIA POST- LIKE A BOSS, listing all of your deepest flaws and insecurities and how they pertain to your status as non best man, as well as a perfectly written essay justifying why i am suited for this circumstance, ending with 'lawyered.' and a personal invitation to 'beer me, bitch.' with regards from your brother with love, me. and then i'll put forth all effort in activity and infiltration to make j-con feel like the baddest of all groom asses. because it's all about him.

a sigh: day dreaming about meeting a girl in florida. she's a beach bum, californian in attitude and stature (you know what you are thinking and we are thinking the same thing) who happens to have very little family in florida therefore no major ties. i'll steal her back to canada BUT WAIT! she can't enter the country just yet, so we gotta get married and she happens to hate tradition, so we hit up a back alley priest and find some homeless witnesses to validate our union then we steal each other back to canada and live in the dalhouse and start this community living thing FOR REALSIES and nobody backs out. so my ambi-coast babe has my babies and people are all like 'you raise your community living families together for real?!' and we retort, as scripted 'yeah we full house that shit.' and when i snap out of this daydream, i get real sad but REAL hopeful for the future. can't wait to brag about getting wifey pregnant.

a try: the work week begins. i asked for this situation. a painting pending, a sale pending, and a debt lingering because scout needed new everything. it's in my control to a measure, and once that measure is exhausted then it's all up to the desire for aesthetic dust collectors to flip some bills. and the try comes in the justification... how long can i do this, what happens when there's no more dust to collect or it's more than just my mouth to feed? i shouldn't worry because i asked for it, and i've got it, so i'm gonna keep doing it. my try is to bring the Kingdom and maintain the real measure of my surrender. less flags more umbrellas.

a why: i'll answer this after i see the manatees. because project manatee is almost upon me and aside from the One it's gonna be about finding out what's next.

now THIS is how to drink rum...

2011-10-31T23:47:00.002-06:00

i just made the worst udon noodles i've ever had. they weren't terrible, but they were that awful kind of mediocre that just. makes. you. sick. to have even attempted to pack away two packages of empty carbohydrates and a quarter dose of frozen vegetables into one shoddily made meal.

'what? you need help starting your car? be right out.'

(be's right out)

what? i put the simmering vegetables on the opposite element i was using and they still burned?! how far did i push deej's car?! oh well.

'hey ty. how come this element is on over here all by itself?'

'oh hey seano. you mean the one i turned off be.cause... i turned the WRONG one on below it first? only to leave the water in the kettle ABOVE it boiling instead of my water? and in surrender to my own absent mindedness switched the pots to get quicker boiling results, then yet failing to turn it off? are you speaking of THAT element? yes please turn it off for me. i don't deserve an attempt.'

and i tried to eat the whole thing. and because it was so mediocre, i couldn't finish it. therefore i'm missing out on like... 1/8 of the invisible nutrients my body could have absorbed.

at least i got this drink right. THAT'S how to drink a rum. on a monday. not a thursday.

i have a gift.

2011-10-27T03:54:00.002-06:00

and i share it with you from a friend who gifted it to me.

also... crazy, stupid, love. was destructively good.

so i do not forget

2011-10-26T11:37:00.002-06:00

DOUBLE... so i do not forget. note to self.

tyler. you entered a bet last night. you must win this bet. you cannot shave for as long as possible, for if you DO shave and you are the first one of the lads to do so, once the longest lasting man decides to shave his beard, you must glue his winning beard to your face for one full day. don't mess this up. hold true. you do not want the pride of another man to cover your shame.

with earnest,

-t.

sssssssssstuesdayssssssssss

2011-10-26T00:40:00.004-06:00

first off... i've been drinking. for the prize of a giant glass. a true german stein. earned that. by drinking two litres of beer i knew i could handle. but could i? you can't see how many times i've pressed backspace already.

second off... i handled it for a bit, but instead of swallowing it with pride and passing out with dignity, i'm typing fervently about my heart and what it's saying. not in the emo nonsense way it has been. eric, you may proceed in this reading. my broken heart is not the topic of discussion. forget that business. the world needs all of me and not the broken me.

my mom will read this. fuck.

my dad will read this. double fuck.

i have an entire ESSAY in my head about profanity. i just wrote 1/8th of it and deleted it because i don't think it needs to be brought up. intention is the justification. seek your heart. seek your creator.

fourthly, the topic of discussion i had in my head has dissipated into the desire to sleep. real hard. and i EARNED it. and i am fearless in presenting my earnest desire to be heard. will i be used? hopefully. can i count on that? who can actually name the true heroes of our faith that aren't documented by people like me in the bible? speak that to your congregation. if the word of God is living then it didn't die with paul or john. -oh right. sex. i care more about creating life than gratifying my desire for humping. a dog does that. likely to my leg. a man does what he can to satisfy the craving he has for affection... but the reward of creation to me seems more deviant than the probable three minutes it would take me to feel 'complete'. so i guess i am like paul. i see it. i just don't want it. i just want more.

and like the pentagon. with a point destroyed by ignorance and rebuild by 'justice' driven by the same ignorance... fifthly... i fear change. i fear the realistic expectation that things will be different when i come back. I will be different. you will be different. but You will be the same. and i can't change my goals based on my fear. i am unhinged. unclaimed by this world and society. love and grace abound and my direction is directly into the heart of such. and i fear it. but my mask is off and my destination in view. but it's still a 360 degree view. that's what makes it so amazing. i fight with the 'publish post' button because i feel irrelevant. but when information travels outwards... who am i to choose what it means to someone? fuck it. not the disrespectful, irrational way.. but the freedom way. the only way i know. the one i've been taught. the one i've learned.

and when i wake up and read this and groan about how dramatic i am... i'll listen to my heart and say 'oh shit yes. let's act upon this as i've written it. expectation is worthless, but education is enabling?' and i'll laugh at myself over breakfast. but look me in the eye and tell me it isn't true.

i'd say once every fifteen nights i do exactly this.

2011-10-26T00:31:00.001-06:00

....

i COULD get up and brush my teeth.

OR....

i could lay down and pass out in my clothes until 4 am, take them off, and duplicate pass out until 11 am.

decision made.

... what if i'm right?!

2011-10-25T02:30:00.003-06:00

the first time i saw colin and alexandra, i was all like 'oh snap, they're going to be in love.'

then the first time i saw that they were in love i was like 'oh SNAP they are in love and he's going to get super serious about his job which will fit into her job like a friggen puzzle piece since they both love people and helping people, and then once he is established and she is almost ready to be done school and almost ready to be established he's gonna be all 'baby baby marry me!' and she'd be like 'playa whaaaaaaaaat of course!', so they'd have a quick-ish engagement with a mega rad location wedding that was accessible to all their loved ones and it would be pretty much the most adorable wedding ceremony ever, cuz it'd lack tradition but boast creativity and they'd walk away from the alter both all like 'saaaaaaaail!' and we'd all dubstep our way outa there and into the beach ass reception where there would be epic dancing to epic music and probably some man to wife music wooing and some return wife to man music wooing and we'd all watch and be wooed by the wooing and celebrate really good, and then after probably 7-8 months they'd go 'oh no suckas we half accidentally half didn't try to prevent a baby brewing!' and we'd be all 'oh shit yes we like this!' and write clever things on their facebook walls thinking that one little thing we said would dictate the names of the quarter japanese quarter norwegian FULL HALF canadian baby boy BUT LO they were twins and they aren't symmetrical in their naming schemes so one name is brilliant and poetic-ish and one is strong and standard yet original and they for some reason meet some pretty significant people during their early parenthood and end up at elevated positions of ministry/outreach in their community and these two lovely kids solve shit and welcome their new fully on purpose baby sister into the world as he continues to rock the father beard and she writes some crazy inspirational songs because being a mom rocked her socks in the change the world kind of way, and so they adopt a kid from an orphanage in vietnam and another one from the philippines or cambodia because chunks of her heart were still there and now were reclaimed BUT ALL THE WHILE kicking worship ass and being major parts of the many communities they were involved in, and whilst their children excel in school and prove to be doubly creative as their mom and dad they become 'those parents' hauling their kids to all the various kid activities that happen as children realize how awesome they are and good at everything like he and she but it's like, doubled because kids are CRAZY like that, so as they grow up and become their own wee people, he's all 'flip i love my wife and my kids and my job and my God' and she's like 'double flip i also love these things' and their massive family takes ridiculous trips that cause ripples in the system because wanderlust is probably a genetic/proximity trait so the notsoweeones all end up in really faraway places for education but he likes it and she likes it and they love being the parents that are super stoked about how talented their kids are and are stoked to understand the pride, but since they are gone they get a cat but then lose it so they get a dog because it likes them just right, and soon all of the sudden like crazy they are patriarch and matriarch of almost a defined plethora of grandkids and he loves to throw them into couches and she likes to sing them to sleep and they both like to put on satirically educational puppet shows and his beard is grey like a true silver fox and she cries a lot because she's quite the happy grandma'.

but first i was like 'yo you cats comin to our halloween party?!'

mental memes

2011-10-24T01:20:00.003-06:00

... list time.

1. 'clean ALL the things!' -hyperbole and a half destroys my brain. in the good way. what a magical gift from alexandra. AND with her and other folk constantly throwing ALL the things around like conversational skittles, my brain takes these offerings and throws different twists on them.

'ink ALL the lines!'

'eat ALL the chili!'

'flirt with ALL the girls!'

finally my inner dialogue has become truly ambitious.

2. 'lana. lana. laaana. LAANAAAA. d dangerzone!' -archer. and an accidental association of top gun theme songs. aside from a major character having the name of my future daughter (definitely not the name of my future daughter inspired by a major character... nope.), if i ever actually claimed something as 'the good shit', archer truly would be the only shit that was actually good. and because recently, the re-watching of season one has but default brain activity on the finest of archer quotes. boop.

3. instantly judging the fate of couples. i know this isn't a meme. but we're past those now. with the transpiring of recent events i feel an enlightened intuition about the state of couples. relationships or shits. even with guarantees (of which i can claim no existence within any perception (phwaaa)) i sense that i can FEEL the outcome and then proceed to mentally map out the entirety of the relationship. it creates good stories.

4. i just like the term memes since it being used in school a lot for a smart* design class, and THEN discovering it's usages within society and social networking. makes me feel. .... *. ASTERISK win. in other news, i'm not going to shave for awhile. to add to my three week awhile already. why? meme yourself an answer. it probably involves the same ideals as sweatpants. or skinny jeans. either way i'm in a box yo.

5. the painting above. every you catch me staring at your lovely God given face, this is how i'm picturing it.

6. thinking about good stuff to say, then forgetting it. i call that a phantom meme. or being memed out. because meme-ing your face is too easy.

dearest marc.

2011-10-20T04:14:00.002-06:00

i am writing you an epic letter. epic i tell you. and i tell you how epic it will be WITHIN the epic letter. i just wanted you to know that in the coming days of writing, you should be gripping your inner thighs in anticipation, like a little child waiting for a cookie. what? you didn't sit cross legged and latch onto your inner thighs? in anticipation? well i did. do. thus whatever your body does in times of extreme anticipation, do it. it's going to take these days because i have a lot to go over. and time is sometimes the best author (ohyeahit'sfilledwithshitlikethat). and whilst this happens i have mind blowing conversations like this -and we're all victims of it, instead of letting that genuine openness allow actual functional relationships that are discovered instead of built- going on. it'll trickle in, to be sure. i've got citations, references to those citations, re-citations for those references, and talk of siring children. because i love kids, and siring is a damn fine associative word. agreed, non?

this is how i burn that self destructiveness up.

a merger

2011-10-18T16:26:00.002-06:00

and i think... that either way i'll still be missing something. because in the search for convenience i've created the ability for two personas. possibly schizophrenic or escapist in nature, or possibly just living some pseudo enlightened fantasy of superhero mysticism. two identities?! how could i not. but my name is still tyler. and i still will be missing something.

but maybe i'll write in two different ways! the past now history applebomber, still reliving and striving for fictional narratives of justice and heartache... and the present and future arsonist, constantly questioning and disrupting the flow of my own predictable stream of consciousness and relentless and reckless pursuits of the heart. ... . either way the flow of words and thoughts and actions all slide and smash headlong into the brick wall known as uncertainty... the archaic notion that i can actually predict and understand my future. brought into the brutal reality that i have very little control. maybe how hard i kick against the current.. but eventually i'll succumb.

i hate self analysis. now i've gone and praddled (word.) off two almost-paragraphs of mentally unhealthy sounding t-jargon that i'll read in a few months and judge 'oh you emo bastard...'. but to future tyler i say... eat it. heed my warning and don't do what you know you want to do but knowing what will happen. you're still stubborn as shit and that shouldn't change. but just remember OH remember the 5th of november (it's andrew's birthday) and to hold fast to the fire you swore to let consume you. if your hands aren't burning anything then you need some fuel. at least from space they might be able to see the little fireball you produce.

all these stories in my head i should probably pound out. for you. for me. for US (dramatically grabs chest and a brick from the wall). my planning and plotting in my words. my poetry is in my actions.

(cue convicting antagonistic lyrics)

i ain't no jackass

2011-10-13T01:07:00.002-06:00

i'm the KING ass.

seriously. i'm a horrible friend to the people that don't deserve it. this is a downward spiral i thought i knew how to fix. joining a spiral that JUST stopped going down and decided up is better. a different, enlightened perspective with boldnessrage that only dares to fail harder.

'i'll bet you can't spin that propeller in the opposite direction... harder..'

'challenge accepted.'

(heart screams bloody silent murder in the background)

and then the cycle continues. up and down. joy and destruction. disruption through it all. i can hold on to the pain, but that makes me weak. i can hold on to the anger, but that makes me proud. i can surrender further, but that makes me less in control... but since i'm along for the ride at this point anyways... take this mush. throw it into the fan and unleash it onto the world. it's probably not ready but it isn't ever going to be. some will catch it, find it disgusting and dispose of the mess and wash themselves clean of it. others will find it soothing in open wounds and hopefully HAAAAA this metaphor has been taken too far. it it it. i AM it. i AM shit. i AM ~~ready to be~~ free and disruptive and obedient for my King. and these are the qualities that cannot be boxed in by expectations.

"send me all of hell and I'll face them,
I'll face them one on one... thousand."

we tore down this wall.

2011-10-10T01:40:00.002-06:00

and still it was close to death. the gut wrenching truth behind everything i thought i knew, yet knowing ever more and ever clearer that what i knew was influenced by what i wanted. intentions spare no martyrs. cleaved open and dripping, i'm Yours now and forever free. i'm a broken pile of investments and bones; and that is where the truth lies. unleashed, a bloody mess upon this tattered earth, stained experiences washing clean the ideals for a future i choose to not behold. every song ever written wasn't good enough for what i wanted to feel, and every other song ever written was written for this moment. here's to knowing strength, here's to studying hope, and here's to never learning.

all i see is the word in the middle.

2011-10-06T03:22:00.002-06:00

reckless. paint poem and proceed. we're all on fire but some of us need more fuel.

guidance.
boldness.
victory.

two are easy. one is demanding and takes the real courage. fear isn't extinguished, but spited. if victory is the flame and guidance is the knowledge of what the flame looks like, boldness is the work it takes to remove the match from the box and strike it against the roughest surface possible. frightening friction married with insecurity but pressed beyond comfort.

the reward only yields more opportunity to press harder and abandon security by embracing salvation. that is our victory.

we are the children of fire. and we were born to fight.

a poem to wednesday. and the day slut.

2011-09-08T00:23:00.002-06:00

i said i would woo you. and i tried. but you were too hot. the flower i gave you wilted and died in your unrelenting heat. did you just love too much? or were you just allowing for the things that would die to spring forth life in another moment. another wednesday. there was triumphant victory and breathtaking defeat. the opportunity to advance strung into both. while we shouted 'at last', one whispered 'enough'. and you kept silent and watched in all happen in your lap. here we sit in remembrance, the day that was, into the night that is. i think i'll leave you be and chase after thursday. you do not complete me. your existence is a grasp at containment, a measure of control. i do not wish this cage upon me.

(bows).

(walks over and into thursday).

'sup baby. you're lookin pretty opportune this time around.

these are the things.

2011-08-31T00:29:00.003-06:00

these are the things i want.

- a spankingly new, good, non point and shoot camera. of this digital age.
- all season tires.
- new shoes.
- (at this point i stop and realize that i am doing a very similar post to alexandra without noticing it)
- a vast, distancing, threatening road trip.
- (and then at this point i continue doing what i was going to do because alexandra emulation smiles warmly upon my soul)
- the ability to say 'oh pish,' without feeling judged by my own brain.
- several girls. probably. but not actually. i'll change this to 'to be content'.
- a fresh chunk of ink beneath my skin.
- more time.

these are the things i have.

- an awesome, spectacularly vintage good non point and shoot camera. of the '70s age. and an iphone. and a point and shoot i feel horridly guilty about making a big deal to my wee bro about not getting because i never use it.
- dangerously trodden winter tires.
- enough shoes.
- a few close at hand trips to justified events and destinations.
- the ability to say 'oh pish,' without actually giving a crap what my brain judges me about.
- stupidly amazing female friends.
- a healthy several patches of no longer freshly inked chunks of flesh.
- more time.

these are the things i cannot have.

- anything more that can be purchased from expendable funds.
- a genuine 'oh pish,' accent.
- the impossible ones.
- wasted time.

i figured myself out.

2011-07-31T19:21:00.002-06:00

so there are three voices. i have identified them before, but now they have back stories and reasons for why they are they. in the circumstance of solitude.

1. my mind. definitely the elementary school 'that guy'. the mean stupid kid in class who is told lies and believes them, and proceeds to spread the lies to the stupidER children surrounding him. making him feel powerful and necessary. later he learns the truth and chides the others for believing in such nonsense. he is a cocky one indeed...

2. my heart. in this scenario, best described as a distressed puppy who's realized it's owner has left them. POTENTIALLY FOREVER! because in the immediate observation of the puppy, they are not currently here THEREFORE with all the numerous possibilities of their whereabouts the most plausible is surely that they have bailed and forsaken him to a lifetime of isolation! it goes hand in hand with the mean stupid kid because the whole time he's feeding lies like:

'do you know where they went?'

'yea?'

'they left you. because..'

'yea? because?'

'because they never actually loved you.'

'waahhhoooooo noooooooooo'.

3. my soul. my soul is the confounded dad who comes home and realized his kids have literally had a poop fight all over his neat and tidy office. he strolls in, all sure of himself, proud of what-he-has-done, only to find HIS offspring hanging on to the tiny thread of acceptability left in them ONLY because they came out of his sack. after the initial shock and rage at what his spawn have done, he takes a moment to collect his thoughts, realize that yes, even poop washes out (especially under the iron fist of this fatherly wrath), and that later it will indeed be the best story he's capable of telling about his children to the girls they want to be with (cuz c'mon... girls don't even poop, so how could they fight with it?).

this concludes my thoughts for the day. which i did instead of eating.

i'm about to start

2011-07-29T01:29:00.003-06:00

but truly, i've already started. i just haven't begun yet i guess... if you want to be a literacy wanker like that then yeah. there is no difference... and therefore i make talk like there is, and THEREFORE i am a meddling ironic (in the attempt of the word as a character trait?) twit hipster that takes pleasure in feeding big ideas into small words. so.. to answer my unwritten question (to which i should ask at the end, TO WHICH i'm writing because i can't think of anything to 'paint' about (so i should... rant about... (right?))!), if you build it, i'll probably come... if it's excitable. the question is, what do i paint about for this 'twenties exhibition'? erhmm, the premise:

A shrinking world with media saturation that approaches 100%, so called “Millenials” have experienced things only imagined in the past, and this new world has made an quite an impact. Torn between paradoxes such as the internet’s ability to both foster and destroy social interaction; television programs that told us we could be astronauts but got us addicted to its flickering glow; and our immense desire to travel the globe that is only eclipsed by our staggering apathy towards local affairs.
-Jaron James

who is jaron james? who cares. i was asked to participate, and participate i shall. opportunity knocks and i must take it, bemused and prepared to represent my current mental status to the world. my consensus so far is that i'm distracted, easily distracted, a leader, a shaper (not a word?! i know NOTHING ANYMORE) of the future, a sharpener (oh hell yes spell check. enable me.) of future minds, and surveyor of current affairs. local or non. constantly. whether i want it or not. basically i am shaped, sharpened, and sent out into the world FROM the world. influence is my building block of identity and what i scrape away makes me unique and different from you. and how much i scrape. and how much i put back, and how much i steal when no one is looking, and how much i try to change my one little minute corner of perspective.

goodness gracious look at the words above. these are the words that need to be drained from time to time to grant myself some clarity FROM myself and the conniving betraying d i s t r a c t i n g elements of my surroundings that i take in and let dictate my actions. and thoughts. but not emotions. those belong to me. for whatever can belong to me, they are they. all i really want is to wreak havoc on the minds that think in linear thoughts (mainly because i can't and i'm possibly jealous? ooooooOOOOOOOooooo that's the gold i've been trying to dig up.) and mesh them into a reality i can't control but can influence. EGADS influence is cyclical! who knew... YOU probably did. smart ass observant in the background with the clipboard. i know you're not looking at me, but you're scribbling and your scribbling is distracting. all in all, yeah it's probably all just a little bit of jealousy crammed into a big fish bowl of possibilities and expectations. but what happens when we exceed the potential of our expectations?! good shit i'm sure.

hmm. this feels like a start. i have a foundation of subtle untamed jealousy, and visual metaphors like fishbowls and shattered drippy messy interaction with me, myself and society.

and confession time. i have a filthy mouth lately. and not just perfectly laid and placed shituational f-bombery, like too much. i must focus more and many things and not lose my edge. it's not laced with anger or damaging contexts, but it's losing it's fire and becoming common. i shant be named tyler common-tongue. or cinnamon fingers (if cinnamon was infected with negative connotations involving poor literal leavings). the silver-tongue returneth, met only and truly with cocaine fingers. jokes. that'd be crazy (like the wandering meandering lookalike words of above? shhh). what is sweet (in essence or... hippy description) and... powerful? of course. sand. tyler sandy fingers. chalk that one up to my mind full of sand castles. nostalgia/current intruding fantasy/desire victory.

as i draw to a close...

2011-07-24T22:33:00.002-06:00

of my final year gathering the experience of one who is one quarter century old, i have some parting (or partying) thoughts for my previous 24 completed.

1. wedding farts happen. wedding farts are acceptable when accompanied with the excuse and actual presence of 'these damned children'. wedding farts cannot and will not be contained by suppression, because too much celebration drinking causes the allowance of every muscle in you to say 'no negativity on this day'.

2. back the friends who want you to be involved in their wedding. whatever i think of the relationship is secondary to how they feel about each other. also, beer, beer, wine, best man speech, beer, wine, mead, beer, beer, beer, beer, mead cocktail, mead cocktail is an inappropriate way to stay sober.

3. it is possible to get home from golden in two and a half hours. don't get caught.

4. throwing plates off the edge of a cliff is an amazing way to not carry around an empty plate anymore. friends follow with pint glasses. opa.

5. kiss first, ask later. or read the girl and know what is needed. then do what is needed. act on the know. fo sho.

6. mothers are amazing. fathers are sculptors.

7. if you travel two weekends in a row, or twice in one week with trips at least an hour and a half in length, you will squash wanderlust for at least double the time it normally takes to get over standing still.

thr33 things.

2011-07-12T02:14:00.003-06:00

1. stampede. i had forgotten what stampede makes me feel... hype... joy... rage... unraveled standards... flannel... every year i forget how douche-y dudes look when they try to wear cowboy hats if they aren't actually a real cowboy. and every year i forget that cowgirls destroy me.

2. kelowna. thr33 things about kelowna.

2.1. it is gorgeous. like disgustingly gorgeous. gardens and vineyards and beaches and a slow paced lifestyle? disgusting. i thought i could live there. but i could not. because eventually a girl would walk by in a flannel bikini and what would follow would be the quickest most daring wedding proposal AND ACCEPTANCE ever. it is the california beach town of canada. no argument.

2.2. it is ACTUALLY slow paced. enragingly so. so much slow moving traffic it nearly destroyed suzy and i. just hogan said that normally a 15 minute drive would be too much to consider for peeps in kelowna, but since i am calgary folk it was nothing. which was true. so THAT wasn't that bad. but traffic = nightmarish behavior.

2.3. cloud cover on a wonderful ultimate tourney day is the greatest environment for frisbee ever. that grass was like... clouds. i could dive all day on it. plus my first tournament ever has left a wonderful frisbee taste in my mouth. it tastes like... an extra ounce of love i didn't know was there. going 5-0 sure helps. kelowna is branded with this happening forever.

3. travel itch temporarily relieved. i am happy to be in calgary with SO much going on. weddings and parties and tattoos and paintings and frisbee oh my! call me a prairie boy for now. NO. do not. a foothills boy. oh yes.

there's a nervous energy about this place

2011-07-06T07:34:00.002-06:00

shit! i've done it again. stumbled upon the random romantic notion that disappearing is beautiful and i could pull it off. wander away like the end of 25th hour, become lost in the grain of human traffic, working at a restaurant for food and bed, getting inspired by the conversations with strangers and coming back home full of industrious and inspired ways to create.. flip. so much is possible with no strings. minus the financial complications... but easy fix right? just pack up and go? stupid wonderful driftdivision... i don't normally feel inclined to purchase music, but as this one could not be found to download, i had to do the unthinkable. but i have no regrets, as it is probably the best impression of music i've had at 7:30am before. le perfect, and now i can listen to it whenever i want. but he talked about how after his band matchbook romance broke up, he was so devastated that he kinda quit everything and just worked as a waiter in pennsylvania for like three years but kept writing music, then came back with THAT marshmallow of an ep and now i'm all up in wanderlust. but like.. 2nd degree. i'd miss everyone and everything here, but the THIRST for adventure i have right now, i tell ya. i've never wanted to go to pennsylvania before but now i think it wouldn't be that bad. sigh.

here's what else is surprising me.

music:

sparta. i know nothing of them but they sure do hit the spot in the right circumstance.
awolnation. beyond sail i don't care too much yet, but sail alone makes up for any discrepancies. / dubstep in general is wreaking havoc on my expectations for house music.
mother mother. i haven't invested enough to really care for them yet, but the stand and aspiring fires are like... the most innovative songwriting i've ever called 'innovative'.
p.o.s. / hip-hop as a genre. kicking my ass in the right way.

movies:

super 8. it was pretty swell. i really really enjoyed 98% of it. good storytelling is hard to find these days. and GOOD kid actors? man oh man. i wish i had gotten into more trouble as a kid. i'm gonna unleash some adventure demands on my children so they can have their character shaped by a series of devastatingly epic happenings. until then, i'll quietly judge j.j. abrams as someone how can't close well. not bad, just not well.
(wow that's kind of it. i think movies are on my hate-scope lately. although i'm excited for a lot of movies coming out soon.)

food:

jokes. nothing surprising. i'm considerably more hungry lately than i have been before lately. i blame camping and what it does to me. and the heaps of frisbee i play.

man i don't even know. i just love summer. and my position in life right now. i think i may be aching at the absence of a 2 month road trip with my bro, so maybe that pent up desire is seeping through the longing for being here right now. good thing i have staples like weddings, parties, and frisbee restraining me from making this a legitimate possibility. come september though? lookout states i have not yet become intimate with.

i'm the in between. where can i ride to where the sun rises?

2011-07-06T04:37:00.004-06:00

the pounding thumping raging desire is back. i can't control these things but the things within my control are coming into view again and i don't know why- but i guess it's time to take a chance and seize the reigns. or something. i want it to be the time. so do i make it the time? i still know what i know even though i've known before and it's broken me but i think i've healed enough to take the chance again. i'll bring my heart along with me i guess... i've got bandages in the backseat but i'm sitting shotgun.

i'm going to sit here until i remember what i was doing.

2011-07-04T16:40:00.002-06:00

and until then i'm going to mentally rant about themerica and why patriotism sucks balls. but you know why and i don't need to say it, so canned it remains. in other news, i have a crap load of things to do. and to better ease my mind (and so i can remember what i was supposed to d- OH! check gmail email.) i should write it all down. via blog so i'm somehow accountable to my word.

-finish watching 'party down'. i heard this show was criminally cancelled like 'arrested development', so i downloaded it and have been intaking it hard and with only 5 episodes remaining in the series, my heart breaking is becoming more and more inevitable.

-but seriously.

-finish mason + regina's painting

-start 70 billion other paintings.

-feel significant.

sigh. i really do have a lot to do. i am just grappling with post-lunch pre-dinner apathy and unwillingness to redefine the world. for now... talk to me in 5 minutes when i'm neck deep in paint and poetry and blasting away false disciplines with new hardcore and impassioned folk music. what a verbal battle we would have then. i'll come up with new lines like 'this would be the first time i wrote about her' or fake a beat in my head and rhyme joy with deploy. and we would dance the dances of 'dances with wolves' (if indeed it wasn't just a name but an action).

extended sigh. i feel good on this day. weekends suck the life out of me. the beginning of the week is fresh and abundant with opportunity and rejuvenation. monday is my mistress.

let's play author.

2011-06-27T02:43:00.003-06:00

i've decided, after laying in my bed catching allthewayup with 'true blood', i've decided, that it is time to get off and up and DO something, i've decided. what i'm going to do is pre-narrate my escapades, then do them, and see if my mind changes, or i switch things up and go rogue on plotting.

step 1. go to mcdonalds. i know it's wrong for my body, and i don't reaaaaaaaally have the money, BUT. justification says, i'm REALLY hungry, don't have specifically what i want IN my house, it's too loud to cook (psh.), i'm REALLY hungry, and it's going to cost me less than 5 bucks. since i'm going rogue, i'm getting a filet o'fish. don't judge me. i've had one bite once. it was delicious. as well as a mcchicken and some fries. maybe a mcdouble. don't tell 'fit' me what i did.

step 2. paint on something that makes my heart beat.

step 3. flee. revel. shhhhh.

step 4. write about it, whether in freshly broken in moleskin, or blog.

step 5. sketch, paint, refine, or sleep.

this begins now. the time is 2:48am.

this just ended. the time is 4:01am.

step 1. achieved. felt sloppy.

step 2. found the place. felt wrong (too quiet? warning sign? sudden remorse for the things i have done?), walked away like a cat who's been caught barking. continued to feel sloppy, blamed it on not having peed beforehand, and learned the power of a bladder's influence over any situation.

steps 3 + 1/2 of 4. thought how easily it was to justify walking away, contemplated cowardice, justified it with knowing the feeling and coming back when it feels right. thinking if it felt right the other times. probably didn't. no way to be sure. can't have the expectation for redemption. this game doesn't use that player.

step 5. reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally don't want to do anything but sleep, so i may just do that. i had thought of something clever to say about my travels... and then i remembered and wrote it in there. can you tell what it was? it was the bladder's influence. probably not clever. but it made me smile as i thought of it as i walked to the toilet to conquer this influence. or succumb to it... damn i am a slave to bodily functions.

no but seriously. i AM waldo. and you've found me. so kindly shove off.

2011-06-24T01:25:00.002-06:00

there's a fear in not being able to do what we love. and what i love is you.

but i'm defined by a sketch. a simple rhythm of the strokes and strays of a pen. 0.3 probably. 0.1 for the state of perception that defines me, 0.2 for the supposed reaction to the proposition of your observation. i'll add another 1.4 for the goodness of those who have lent me their graces, and i'll take away 0.8 for the graces i've given back. 3.4 for the parents who raised me, 4.3 for the brothers who rose beside me, and 7.7 for the family that exists around me. all these lines in variants and definitions within their piercing black, on the paled unstained canvas measured at 8.7. i'll take it all away with a 24.7 and just know that no; this is simply me, a sketch of existence thick like 0.3.

yeah i change my thumbnail profile pic to be compositionally emaculate... what of it

2011-06-21T03:40:00.003-06:00

cold kicks and wicked lips
you're a freedom slouch and i get lost climbing amidst the chains.

but at least everyone is invited..

and at long last...

2011-06-20T04:28:00.000-06:00

bed > futon > ground.

one more song, it's just about dawn!

2011-06-20T04:18:00.003-06:00

i searched and found nothing, but the idea of what could be was greater than what wasn't done. there's potential in the air and the bed is finally made, let's fake this rainbow together and name the colours what we please. our promises together put forever with the promises of the past- you be what i know and see and i'll be what you've seen and adore, together til the sun dawns for the second time and the sheets still haven't been touched.

goats.

2011-06-17T02:41:00.002-06:00

yes random maroon gradient. just imagine white graffiti within/on it, and then you can see what i would see if i should choose to physically do so. on my screen. sure i may wreck 99.9% of my viewing experiences, but for that 0.1% i'll be king of intuitive composition and floundering aesthetics.

what did YOU do with your thursday night? was it thirsty? mine was not. but i fixed a lantern, and gave my future camping self the gift of LIGHT. i'm full of questions right now. if i was survey writing, it'd be a doozy. what's that? you LIKE questions? man.

1. who is your least favorite super hero and why.
2. why do you think vloggers on the internet get so popular?
3. and why are they so damn attractive...
4. graffiti- vandalism? or enlightenment.
5. who would win in this day and age.. cowboys, or indians?
6. i heard love described a lot tonight. it sounds terrifying.
7. if you had the chance to go commit to a big event across the country you couldn't afford- though allowing you to live out your dreams, or staying safe and comfortable in your own city for a friends wedding, which would you do?
8. what is your least favorite three drink combination?
9. spell conscious in your head. did you get it right?
10. are you a touch-er or a gazer? in the context of art viewing.

mm mm MM. now i'm in an answering mood. friggen weird.

1. superman. because he's overly patriotic, seemingly invulnerable, and kind of a bitch in the 'i'm flawless therefore realistically ideal and conceptually conflict-less' way.
2. i think we enable them because we give them something to say. their soapbox is on a familiar level we can all relate to because they are saying what we would say. and then we start vlogging and say what we would say and people nod and agree. it helps if you are damn attractive as well. fantasy friendships is what i call my longing to hang out with young creative california based now-employed life document-ers.
3. probably because their father is damn attractive. and most likely because their mother is damn attractive. OR they just know how to come off as damn attractive and therefore ARE damn attractive because our expectations of damn attractive are damn attractive.
4. depends on the intention of the artist. the aesthetic is enlightened... regardless if the content is (searches antonyms of enlightened) perplexed. or. selfish.
5. that question can and will be answered july 29 - 31. birthday weekend PLUG. (sorry alexandra... i know you'll be gone. it's just the only one that works...)
6. i agree. terrifying.
7. i feel like the friendship won't get damaged, and the potential for seizing an opportunity such as this would be advantageous for the future and for victory in taking risks EVERYWHERE. fear loss.
8. i wanted to say one glass orange juice, one glass chocolate milk, one glass orange juice, but it turns out the body can handle that. i'll go apple juice, banana milk, and then sprite.
9. it took three times to type it. therefore i did not.
10. gazer, only because i know i want to touch it. and good enough is good enough. so i touch everything else with a texture to compensate. the world isn't as dirty as you think.

sometimes i desire to have strangers strung along on my theoretical silver-tongue. then i feel like i'd lead them astray. give them hope for something amazing then come back with 'look what i painted on this municipally owned wall!'. and disappointment would prevail. but you know why people are REALLY successful? cuz they don't give a shit about the haters. or if what they say holds any weight beyond the celebration of creativity and loving what they do for fun.

hey canvas in the garage. prepare to be maimed with colours and concepts and knowledge of pre-sale. IS THERE NO ONE ELSE?! he shouted to the financially endowed masses..

shameless self promotion

2011-06-15T15:55:00.001-06:00

http://www.threadless.com/submission/348056/a_necessary_sacrifice

i need votes. so vote 5. because it's not going so hot with the first 43 votes.

what happens at the end of northmount?

2011-06-13T00:27:00.003-06:00

that mystery that betrayed my senses long ago has surfaced again. i didn't see it coming but hindsight let me realize i felt it coming. You saved a life tonight. grace prevailed and truth defeated the lies of the enemy. thank You for letting Your light shine through and destroy the source of destruction. entering and exiting tools abundantly covered in the excited knowledge of victory.

on a friday night. it seems fitting.

2011-06-11T01:13:00.003-06:00

woke up with lovely $4 breakfast bagel from (now on) the best store ever, and dan, dave and i headed our poor student asses to WALL STREET where surely we would make it huge trading in our banana money for something daring and ballsy, placing is quickly at the mercy of good fortune and art making capability. except we couldn't get into the stock exchange. who knew security would be so high... at least i got a damn good gyro out of it. street meat, FOR the win.

since we were in the vicinity of a certain statten island ferry, we decided heyyyy why not float by the statue of liberty and see what fievel saw. the ferry was a pretty standard people mover via water, but it was still cool to get off from walking and endure the sights of dirty water and cool swift breezes... and rush to the other side of the boat to witness the tourists do their thing and for us to document us with the tourists doing their thing AND for us to see how underwhelming the statue of liberty aaaaactually is... though thinking about it in the proper perspective with wolverine and sabertooth fighting atop of it, yeah, it should be that small. still, cool ride. and what was MORE surprising was how awesome statten island actually was! we only wandered a few blocks from where the ferry landed, but we enjoyed the trashy back end forest where surely shenanigans run by hooligans happened... there was pissing and vacating and dirty soccer ball kicking. and eventually more cool photo opportunities AND probably the best pizza i'd had so far... broccoli and cheddar pizza. nice and cheap too. damnit now i miss the pizza i had all over that place... unnnngh so good. still. A & S pizza, actual win. later we discovered statten island was indeed where all the trash in manhatten went. questions being answered.. good afternoon indeed.

we tried reaaaaaaaally hard to get back in time for... (this is where it gets foggy, as i stopped keeping my journal and started drinking instead (jooookes jokes... but seriously)) AHA (thank you in order photo documentation) visiting the moma since it was free fridays! we blitzed that sucker and saw things that were both impressive, and redundant. i'd say my highlight was a back room photo exhibition, where some fairly less known artists put out some kick ass documentation about other kick ass things worth documenting. in my journal it says we attempted to get to a robert maplethorpe opening, but my memory doesn't put these two events in the same day. BUT. it happened and my memory can suck it. double documentation trumps assumption. we did end up meeting with our other lovelies at a burger joint for some beers and silly talk.

this is definitely the night where dan ollied a rando garbage bag in the middle of the street whilst dave and i consumed his blubes (blueberries but funner to say. and squeeze? yes. in your mouth). i had s'more sushi from the best store ever and went to bed. possibly in that order. NOW i remember why i splash out pages long at once instead of piecing it together later... can't remember. why. i didn't.

so you know what?! saturday.

woke up, did shit, saw shit, took shit, went to bed.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNO! this day was awesome. we went to williamsburg. which i now know why, but then didn't know is the hipster central location of NY. apparently. and my hipstamatic williamsburg set pack confirms this. dan, becky, ashley and i hopped on the subway which went ABOVE GROUND for a time (which was new and ... awesome) and landed us right in the middle of a wonderfully aesthetic atmosphere of everywhere graffiti and street fruit. we wandered through a LOVELY spanish neighborhood where i'm sure i'll flee to if they ever find out who i truly am, and wandered the many thrift/book stores that williamsburg had to offer. dan and i stuck together whilst the girls split because people at different paces need different places, and books were purchased, adorable, beautiful, cute and lovely ladies (and lads, lets be honest, good looking people congregate like moths to flame) walked by, we found ashley, pretended to ghost her thinking she'd notice but then DIDN'T and kept walking and vanished (she would be found hours later as she had no phone and we had to get back to chelsea for some openings), and witnessing a park infested with every kind of hipster you can imagine... because it was ghetto in the 'this is OUR park, we don't give a fuck' way. becky took us to a reaaaaaaally cool art store where they had a sketchbook project where people had filled a sketchbook, and put it back into the collection where they could be signed out like library books. super cool concept and friggen great way to share art.

we took the train back hoping to find the right show opening to go to, but got hopelessly lost trying to find a gallery that didn't exist because the opening was the night before. someone on the website screwed up huge. so sadly, that was it for our art opening expectations, though we heard the other group ended up at some reaaaaaaally cool ones, especially the one where dave elbowed jeff koons in the chest by accident and got the pompous 'what are YOU doing here' glares from the upper echelon of art society. we re-met everyone at the burger joint again, and went on dancing at home sweet home again. i think. either way it was a fun train ride home and there were some amazing passing out photos that got accidentally and tragically wiped. i bought sushi again and for the first time in .. ever, couldn't finish it. disappointed in you, tyler of saturday night. for shame.

this guy

2011-06-10T12:34:00.002-06:00

one day... i will be inked by this fellow.

http://inkbutter.com/tattoos-by-peter-aurisch

he just kicked open the door to what tattoos can be. and they can be so much more...

(heart palpitations)

come winter, there will be blood.

2011-06-08T16:39:00.004-06:00

snowbird blood. because i will be the snow-falcon. preying on the flesh of the snowbird.

and by all this violent metaphor i mean i'm gonna go visit my bro in crystal river, florida for an unknown amount of time and make rich flockers pay for my art at a competitive yet fair, justified price. and paint the shit of out his town/surrounding area.

i haven't had the buzz of travel anticipation since NY (which had no buzz since i was crazy busy with work and graduating), and now i've gone and given myself a travel boner at the thought of carelessly wandering down through themerica to live with my lovely youth pastor brother eric. who cares how long. it's just... ripe... with ever-flowing possibilities for new connections and bonding time. new cities and new opportunities. the manatees.

at the same time the chest reefing tenterhooks for the art scene in calgary is keeping me contented and impassioned to do my best to dive in and spread out within our fine ass little city. my bfa says i love it here. the social climate says revolution is at hand. and my paintbrush is dripping wet with intention and a beating heart. it could be on fire. so could we.

for the first time in my life, girls are the last thing on my mind.

paint poem proceed

2011-05-26T03:38:00.002-06:00

there's still dust on my shelf
i cleaned it up but it came right back
and now there's paint on my fingers
but i'm going to leave it right where it is.

the holes in my skin have let some shit in
and it's taken me far away from where You needed me to be.

i'll take You back if You promise i've already been taken back
there are too many fears in my assumptions
don't let my faith become one of them.

and when You see us together, discovered at last and half-filled whole, our open eyes will see beyond each other into the places You need us to be. Your challenge is set our adventure now met. we'll be the lowly umbrella.

24. macaroni is only appropriate on thursdays now.

2011-05-26T01:45:00.003-06:00

i feel super ADD in writing this way. because if i had just blooshed it out (yes blooshed. google that shit. (then google who first said 'google that shit'. i think it was dane cook)) all in one go, it'd be done and out of the way. but then it wouldn't be as thoroughly documented in writing as i would of liked. and as this ranks as my current number 2 best trip i've ever been on, time and care must be taken. so later in life, after some major apocalyptic catastrophe when the internet is re-discovered with everything still on it, i can check up on what i did decades previous. hopefully blooshed will be in the dictionary by then.

thursday started out like previous days. $4 breakfast bagel. waiting for everyone else to get up. knowing there would be many a wander. BUT. today was different. since the NYPD had stopped by the previous day, we knew they might come back on this day. and indeed, indeed they did. since i was up and about i evaded them mightily and headed to the river for a single photograph, then chilled on the outside while several people were being barged in on, on the INSIDE. i heard my good fellow dan was just in his boxers lying on his bed and they were all 'who is THIS guy?' in their crazy new york accent shouting. it was this morning they told us we had to leave, as this was no longer an acceptable place to reside in. unsafe! vacate! do not stay! we were told. stickers on the doors reinforcing the words of the officers. yet... there were hints behind their harsh words. what's that? you guys aren't leaving until monday? well, we aren't coming BACK unTIL monday, but WHEN we come back on MONDAY we'll be putting padlocks on the doors. just to make sure YOU know, we won't come back, to HERE, unTIL monday morning, around 10...

... oh... oh ok. thank you for the warning officer.s. so they left. and we carried on living. and staying.

and from then on, we adventured. first to madison avenue, where kris was almost struck by a vehicle thanks to street food distraction, and lindsay, becky, nate, and dan (maybe ashley was there too.. but.. cannot be sure) did a magical disappearing act whilst walking on the other side of the road. so kris'n i found a porsche design store and fiddled around looking at $35 000 watches and whatnot... not bigs. i got some addresses for cheap BUT GOOD food on the west side, said the finely dressed gentleman, to whom i could never appropriately thank for the insistence upon said places. although we never went... but we DID go to the giant toy store. saw some cool lego stuff. discovered nerf was still kicking around. and some giant, giant stuffed dogs. oh if the space had allowed, all ya'll would have received one from me as a token of my wanderlusty looting. we met up with the rest of the crew and bailed on madison, and headed to soho. which. was. awesome. as. balls. i don't know what it was, but there was a definite mass of people energy and street vending and cool shops that were surely hipster enough to draw a herd of people into soho to begin with. we spent most of the day here non-shopping, but still wandering and seeing things. previous to this, we swung by ground zero to maybe see obama, since this was the day he addressed .. the nation? about osama.. from ground zero.. but we got out of there super quick. it was hyped overzealous patriotism going down and i am not super ok with any of that shit. mission accomplished, buy a flag, mission accomplished, flag wave, fuck this, subway, sooohooooo. still pretty interesting to be there though and soak in the.. lingering effects of tragedy. eerie. surreal.

AND THEN WE WENT TO BROOKLYN.

hannah had done a residency there a year ago and there was an end of term show going on, in which we were all pretty stoked to attend. poor ashley had no phone and had tried to reach us, and never could so although i'm sure she came all the way over to brooklyn, ended up doing other fun things by her independent self on sinco de mayo. but the rest of us, at opening food, looked at some pretty sweet (and strangely similar) student work, and went up on the rooftop for some brews and delicious viewing of the manhattan bridge and surrounding brooklyn area. already in love, because it felt as safe as manhattan, yet SO much more graffiti and industrial decay, but with the adorapubs and THICKly accented arguments going off in the streets. never again will i hear a better discussion on haircuts and friend's opinions. after the show we had some of our own sinco de mayo beers in a lovely little pub (AFTER entering an abandoned housed and making some installation art (it was a dick.) and stealing a clipping of newspaper from when lennon was killed) and bonded over phantom bathroom exits and strangely fruity tap water. we split ways and i headed home with becky and the amazing race (kris and lindsay. awesome). we walked over the brooklyn bridge which was siiiiiiiiiiiick in the good way, and the bad way for you could see through the slats in the sidewalk that went all the way down to the ground below.. but good times, good chats, super late night arrival to our 'hostel'. and more sushi.

circles and skulls

2011-05-25T01:08:00.005-06:00

i find great joy in drawing circles... i'm super good at it.

i find great solace in drawing skulls... as much as i fight it they make me think of mortality. and the struggle to sustain knowledge.

what i find mostly fulfilling lately is the days past grad in which i have spent large segments of time on intake, and it's important to outlet that. on YA'LL suckers!

awesome new music:

for my metal motive i've found,

memphis may fire.
oceana.
anticipation for of mice and men's new album.

to counter the loudness, the folk fix (or general passionate softness),

frightened rabbits.
hey rosetta.

and hip hop heaven,

p.o.s. ... uncensored and uninhibited at last.

i've also reconnected with bands like emery, saosin, and guster, all solid bands who come in and out of my musical cravings.

movies? .... no!

tv? ....

i watched 24 minutes of breaking bad and was riveted. time to binge.
modern family. i have nothing new to look forward to. major sadness.

there have been a few other youtube staples and blogs that i have started following, but NOTHING has me more addicted to the behavior of dropping ANYTHING i am doing to consume, reading the walking dead. seriously, i don't know what it is, but i have never become more attached to characters or situations than in this series. SO brutal. SO emotional. sooooo goooooood... and now i've caught up. 8 years of writing and illustrating taken in within 3 months. oh the humanity! at least i have season two on amc to look forward to.

and time out for one second.. let us applaud amc for actually providing amazing quality programming, that for once doesn't make me feel guilty about sitting on the couch for hours at a time, because it inspires me. toys with my emotions. art.

but mostly... i am just so SO so pumped to be done school. and entering this stage of life, that which is my worldly oyster, my lack of timeline, my celebration and woo of society. since NY all i've wanted to do was paint. and with some breaks for gardening, designing tattoos and t-shirts, that is what i intend to do. i've asked my wonderful Lord for opportunities, and there was an instant response. so i've got tasks. i've got potential income. i've got my chance to not hop back on the money making wagon and struggle for realsies for a little bit, live well and recklessly, with no agenda or timetable. stability is not on the table yet, and it's exciting.

and now some words that rhyme with other words.

truck.
stuck.
duck.
puck.
shuck.
tuck.
ruck.
suck.
buck.
muck.

the lathering regret

2011-05-25T00:22:00.002-06:00

i asked a really tall guy if he could move during our grad class photo. i can't imagine how self conscious that must have made him feel. i feel guilty about sitting up front for ANYTHING.

this is in bad taste...

2011-05-23T14:42:00.002-06:00

http://anearshatteredexpectation.wordpress.com/2011/05/23/accidental-education/

because... linking one blog to another blog is way funner than posting it twice.

wil wheaton was whooped won wednesday

2011-05-23T13:29:00.002-06:00

i like that the first rain day i had of 2011 was in new york. in may, where snow doesn't exist. it was... just as cold and disheartening as i remember. JOKES. it was just a reason to stay indoors and consume art all day. and art all day we did. this is where i begin to sound pretentious.

at our new favorite anytime store i had the first of many $4 breakfasts, and at it on my bed. this was the first morning i started getting up 2 hours earlier than everyone else and just waaaaaaaaiting for people to slowly creep out of their rooms. i don't know why i did this.. i think it was a dramatic fear of being left behind. but that's ok! lots of ponder time. me time. breakfast time.

the first place we sloppily wandered to was the whitney museum.. they had several exhibitions of contemporary art that really resounded with me because either the content was something of interest, or it was super well done, but mostly just because it was art that i hadn't seen before and seeing new things is more exciting than seeing things that are familiar. for the most part... glenn ligon was my favorite, he had a ton of good crap to say about race, sexuality, and america.. solid solid solid work. i spent most of my time here. up top there was a digital projection piece by paul chan that was nice and serene and then slowly warped into something kinda twisted and ... not nostalgic, but reflective.. things were floating upwards avoiding gravity, and then slowly you started to notice things falling the opposite direction, and those things slowly turned into people falling.. it was about 9/11 and i don't know the exact intention of it was, buuuuut it had some punch to it when you thought about where you were back on that day and seeing everything go down. super weird being in NY thinking about that... also on the top floor there was another piece that was so... powerful i couldn't even stay in the room. it was a full wall portrait of someone (he was an artist, i'm sad i don't remember his name) who had died 5 hours earlier of aids. those eyes were haunting. it was suuuper intense... withering away does not seem like a fun way to pass.

bang boom boom. we spent a good two hours there, and i think it set the standard for what we expected to see in NY.. we headed straight from the whitney to the guggenheim, probably the museum i was most excited to see. we saw a loooot of familiar art, and most of it was picasso ish modern expressionism that by the top of the ramp got fairly... old. it was cool to see big names lIKE picasso and kandinsky, but it's not as hard hitting as seeing chuck close or keifer in person. what was most fun was just being inside the gugg, and fantasizing skateboarding down the entire thing.. also, the gugg is sticky to the touch. to me at least... that kind of concrete paint that feels sweaty. noted. touched. and moved onwards from.

next we hit up the frick collection, which wasn't a very known stop for some of us, but they had some suuuuper old amazing work by rembrandt and such others from that time, and the way it was all displayed was a really cool way to collect and present art. a tip of the hat to frick, a collector who aaaaaaaactually loved art and designed his mansion around his love for it. rad surprise. later we learned a bit of history about him and connections to the art world involving the anarchist movement and assassination attempts and all the joy of the poor raging war on the rich. good times in learning!

it had stopped raining and it was time to decide on a show. a broadway show? a broadway show!

: 0

let me tell you, going to times square for the first time in the daylight was a dramatic shift. people. everywhere. it was an infestation of shoulder evading and feeling insignificant. we were trying to meet up with a few of our other travelers, at starbucks... with no distinct direction or location. just starbucks. fail fail fail. eventually communication was actualized and we met behind the red stairs and got in line to get tickets.. after all the splits it ended up being dan, nate and me in line for what we decided would be a good idea to see, 'how to succeed in business without really trying'. YEAH harry potter. up close and for realsies. the tickets were $85 and i was having a panic attack about spending so much money on something i was totally unsure of... we had sbarro to calm my nerves and headed over and 10 minutes after showtime started my face was in my hands in sheer awe and pleasure over being romanced by production on such a perfect level. roooooooose maryyy... sssssssssssssssssssseriously the best thing i have ever seen. i had no regrets of money spending on this'n... it was one of those moments where you know it was coming to an end, and the end-dreading began and while the applause and standing ovation was heartfelt and appropriate.. part of me died knowing it'd be a long time since i could see something of this caliber again. so if you are ever in the area and desire to see a show... and have no money... rob a bank and see it.

after some sushi we met up with our party people at a bar called home sweet home, where we had JUST missed a wicked concert (as we were told of it's greatness) but had a drink or two and headed home to our favorite shop for some more sushi (yes. they had everything. and anything).

rain day was a good day.

twice divided by two there was tuesday

2011-05-17T15:21:00.002-06:00

and the Lord said, it was good.

we headed out early (ish.(not.)) to our pre-scouted breakfast diner, ej's. three blocks up from our lovely hostel. breakfast burritos slay me like ... only avocado and egg can. i'm gonna have dreams about that burrito. or nightmares, when i realize i won't ever get THAT burrito ever again. until i return.. just you wait ej's. just you wait. since we were the 'early' risers, we went back home, only to walk straight back as the rest of the group had a hankering for some breakfast diner action. since i had already partaken of the sacred sacrament of pre-wandering sustenance, i post-food (minus a stop at a fruit stand ($1 for 4 bananas is just.. the *expletive*)(shit)) wandered with my friend nate, getting a feel for the blocks in and around the place we called home. daylight documentation of our whereabouts began and continued from this point onwards. there is no chill thrill greater to me than getting familiar and intimate with a new city. being lost? hell yes challenge accepted and encouraged.

today was the day we were going to wander around chelsea and see all the galleries they had to offer. i wasn't so stoked on much of it, but the key point was needing to take the subway to get there. metro pass, $39 for 7 days of unlimited travel. if you are ever there, get it. holy crap second best NY purchase ever. it's like the c train, but way shakier, more storied, vaster, expandy-er, and JUST as good at lulling me to sleep. and no buttons needing to be pressed. well done subway system NY. you are ferociously missed.

my tues-first-actual-day in NY motto was 'see shit. do shit. take shit'. doubly. it was an excellent adventure, with which i started with my new and old friends dave, lindsay, hannah, and brittney. there were a lot of galleries closed which really sucked, but it was still sweet to see a place so chalk full of opportunities for the likes of people like us should we decide to plan B our asses straight to NY. after awhile hunger prevailed for me, and the foursome i was with had higher priorities of central park carriage riding, so i bailed and met up with ashley, lindsay, kris, dan, and nate at 'the park' wickedawesomeamazing restaurant, where i had my first slice of NY pizza (/ whole pizza) and first documentation of toilets (which serve no justification other than the fantasizing of my murder via james bond. which made 'relieving' myself in need of ""). we wandering our way through chelsea and into greenwich, knowing no destination and enjoying the company of each other and being bamboozled into conversation with a dude wanting money. he ditched me the minute all he saw was hunger compassion and a failure to include him in my expenses of the day. BUT. i really enjoyed just being with my folk and finding out my lovely friend ashley had gone to abe, no bigs, but then surprise SPB, then balls out balderdash ranchlands elementary. cool small ass world sometimes...

eventually we got home, and after a quick stop at our grocer/liquor store, decided it was time to play catch up sociables with the previous four who had already been going at it for awhile. dave was losing. i had my fill and decided to ditch with dave and dan to go on an aimless stroll northbound, where we had a pint at one bar, apparently (for i do not remember past my extremely incessant hiccups) a club discussion then dismissal, and finally wound up in spanish harlem for some disgusting white castle. our 30 block walk back was art/drunk discussion filled and good bonding/exhausting times. decision making was our bitch on this night. i may or may not have purchased sushi. no. no i did not. confirmed.

once there was a monday

2011-05-13T11:54:00.005-06:00

and on this monday, i went to the airport at 7:45 in the morning. it's story time!

i knew immediately the expectations i had upon this trip when i awoke, excitedly and with the anti-grog of a short anticipation period. the previous day i had handed in my final assignment (of which i am well pleased) and until that point had no time to be excited about my first trip to new york. satisfaction appeased, and after hooking up with my 17 other painting comrades, we did our travel jig and ended up at the newark airport at... some time later in the afternoon. we spent a few hours trying to find our vans to take us to our hostel and once we did, embarked on the perilous and extravagantly exciting ride through jersey and into manhattan. traffic sucks. i'm going to try really hard to never drive in new york. BECAUSE! they drive like ACTUAL mad men. it shocks me we didn't crash or kill anyone. our driver was calm and collected (in the midst of honking and swearing and aggressively non-shoulder-checkingly lane changing) and we inevitably arrived unscathed, minus far quicker heart rates and appreciation for canadian driving hospitality.

once we checked in (which took a loooooooong time... language barrier, misquoted prices, no computers and paper mathematics) and settled in as best we could with only ONE cockroach siting. and slaying. via hannah's foot. the crunch was... unsettling. new sounds for a new city and curious ears. the group kind of separated (as it is impossible to travel as an 18 person unit) and i ended up with the lovely dan, nate, lindsay and kris (aka the amazing race (who had organized the whole trip and handled all the crap thrown their way with patience and the correct amount of assertion)). we joked how cool it'd be to walk aaaaaaaaall the way to times square, but laughed it off knowing the distance was further than we'd care to walk.

at first we were alarmed at how much trash their seemed to be, lining the streets in piles sometimes 6 feet tall... clearly they have a system down, and it works, and it works every night. it's just shocking how much trash actually comes out of people's apartments. we learned where it all went later. BUT- on this night, we got slightly familiar with our own little neighborhood, and continued meandering up and down avenues and streets, trying to soak up as much of the atmosphere as we could. if this city never slept, we'd find out where and how they did it. eventually we came across the chrysler building, and opted to walk in that direction because... it's the chrysler building. the first familiar sight to us all. it wasn't as tall as we thought, but it was beautiful and we couldn't get in, so we kept walking a few blocks and SURPRISE! grand central. this was tops on the list of things to see and so we headed in pronto to discover the coolest most massive barreled ceiling and massive pillarsandwindowsandniceness LALHGL AH Hhhhhhh. ohhh it was super cool. in the perfect way. like the movies, minus the people, plus the expectation multiplied by exceeding that expectation. it was 11:30pm after all... and there was STILL a wicked art exhibition open at one of the entrances with 4 ushers. money money money.

once we finally got outside and after a few more pictures of it's pretty much awesomenessineveryway design, we found another bright tall looking building and headed that way, when we got distracted by the new york public library (more later) and THEN spotted the empire state building, a few blocks away. done and done. i had no idea that the empire state building was still the tallest building in new york (after 9/11) so excitement was pretty high as we made our way effortlessly through the disneyland-ride line up of ribboned aisles with only three or four people ahead of us. yeah it was $21 to get to the top, but so worth it for no wait and a midnight viewing of the city from 86 stories up. did you know the foundation is only one or two stories deep? that scared the shiz outa me. all i could picture whilst looking over the edge is what i would do if it suddenly decided to tip over. it would not be good. not good at all. i do this at work often, and think about what i would do should a situation of terror arise, but at the top of the tallest building i've ever been in... i think i'd just pass out and soil myself. we stayed up top for about an hour, because in the very near distance we found a spot of daylight, right in the middle of the city. times square! we shouted together, in bountiful joy. and we laughed and laughed at how far we had actually wandered.

so we headed down. made our way to noon, and came upon one of the most famous places on earth. it was ridic... not nearly crazy busy (1am is not prime time it seems) but the intensity and STILL energy level it had was super super surreal. you see it all the time in movies and on tv and always at new years, but this was real and we were there and we could smell it and taste it if we so chose. after the awe and shock wore off we agreed it was time to start wandering home (after we found some NY pizza... because.. we could. and did. lots). it actually only took about 45 minutes to wander home from there, but the energy we gained by seeing so many sights on our first night kept us going. and my constant fantasies of shoving people into the piles of trash. and into the open storefront manholes. pretty much shoving daydreams. someone had to think it, i've NEVER felt safer in my life than walking around in manhattan. it's a weird feeling expecting a slightly hostile environment, but i was faced with nothing but courteous hurry and freedom to go mostly where i pleased. we grabbed some late night snacks from our (yet to be discovered as favorite) 24-7 corner store and headed to our rooms for some sleep. 3am was a perfect bedtime for an amazing first night.

don't you feel safer now knowing that the bus that is going to hit you tomorrow wasn't sent by osama?

2011-05-02T00:28:00.003-06:00

i don't often get disgusted by people buuuut... i'm super sarcastically stoked with the outcry of joy that someone has been murdered. i don't give a shit how much he deserved it... i firmly believe that there is always another way. i'd die for that. to celebrate so ignorantly about the death of someone seems so anti-everythingwestandfor (we as in the people who appreciate life and love, if you happen to fall in that boat) that i think we're making ourselves a bigger target. is it actually fine to think that because one man is dead that the hatred and violence thrown towards our culture will cease in any measure? or that there isn't a dozen capable of the exact same things waiting in the shadows behind where he was killed? sure we have enemies. but i think we goad them on to further atrocities by showing our lack of sensitivity and lack of respect for someone who was once a child. nobody is out of the reach of grace, and it's up to us to extend that opportunity to ANYONE.

in lighter news...

i'm goin to themerica! to exploit my new found discovery of panicked freedom. new york, new york. i'm gonna walk all over you. and you're going to like it. and me. and we'll be friends because i've heard you're pretty awesome, and i know i'm pretty awesome, so it's only a matter of time before i come home happily exhausted knowing i've made a new friend in you. suz gave me a list of pubs i need to visit, an jef gave me a challenge to eat a lot of pizza. and discover new things for him to visit when he goes back in october. and claire in november. i haven't had a chance to feel excited about this trip yet, and it JUST hit me tonight in the face. hard. i got excited. screamed a little. let the shakes take over and got giddy at the thought of waking up and takin off to the airport to take off. i am currently waiting for laundry in which i can pack, which won't take long at all and until then, i count down until i'm allowed to fall asleep, dreaming sheepishly about flirting with cute girls and fighting off fluffy monsters with cardboard swords (except it's never EVER that innocent).

i'm out. taking this angst and anger and turning it on the american people- i'm gonna shoot them with smiles.

the engagement... will be brief.

2011-04-28T02:24:00.004-06:00

inappropriate morbid question of the day: if you accidentally slit your wrists, would they believe you?

i've been rolling some dice lately. some pretty hefty presumptuous dice. and it's all been coming up snake eyes. vixen snake eyes. seductive, tantalizing and seemingly within grasp- and then smoke, mist, a cold morning's breath unto a summer's shoulder. mostly i've lost a tidbit of money, some dignity, and more time spent contemplating than time spent actualizing (either way, wasting). there are decisions in my near future that have the chance to be chanced upon. to this i say to future tyler, no more. you take that deadline attitude and stick it up academia's ass.

this attitude has landed me a sometimes complimentary but often frowned upon association with ted mosby. heralded example: always rsvp-ing 'with guest' to a wedding. in the light of a summer full of weddings, this gambling temptation has led me to NOT rsvp to sit and ponder this decision. had i already gone ahead and sent the rsvp, i would have undoubtedly selected 'guest'. also, had the invitation not asked for a name, i wouldn't of thought twice about it. but alas, it asked for whom this guest would be. i couldn't think of a name so i balked and walked (new rhyme phrase, validate that please conductor) and with joy i sit here and throw the dice off of the table, and select 'one please. just me. yeah i'm alone, and i do not give a shit.'

the problem with THIS solution is i lead me to believe that there will be a slough of beautiful single girls ready to be wooed and cuddled with, to which i boldly answer to no question 'challenge accepted'. this expectation is usually handled within the first three minutes of arrival, in which i see only beautiful coupled girls, ready to be introduced to and ignored. immediately i start planning my exit strategy, texting people to ask 'what IS up' and how i can find an excuse to leave this wonderful ceremony of love. oh yes, indulgence follows me everywhere, and it knows it's all about me (hey, ten years from now tyler, remember when we were sitting here thinking 'grow up'? i hope you grew the fuck up).

the long skinny square of it is, someone dropped an a-bomb on me recently and reminded me God needs me for awhile before i can pour 150% of myself into a relationship. so here i sit. here i stay. here i shut my eyes and curl into a ball and think about how annoying girls are. not pretty(awesome) or soft(ener) or wonderful(ly crafty) or sly(in the hot way). i just reminded myself of the reminder and remembered that i couldn't be here ignoring my grad project glorifying my stream of consciousness if there was a sleepy lovely warm girl coaxing me into bed. that is a battle i will lose every time. so SO hello 3 am, sleep deprivation, full on 2nd year productivity and self respect.

what? banjo music? slicing through my heart...

no more half assing it.

2011-04-26T01:46:00.002-06:00

23. ambush under repair.

this is where i rest. in my bed. not on the expectation that it's going to work out the way i want.

i did some fun stuff today. grasped being 'productive' in a whole new way. being humble and accepting the challenge of the task i set for myself half a year ago, regardless of the outcome... at least trying to be. i have a lot of pride in the people i associate with. i destroyed my heart and began repairing it again. again. reinforced with a new sense of purpose... or spray foam. whichever is stickier at the beginning. feasted with lovelies and did more intake than desired with the tv... but mostly feasted with lovelies. if it's a sin to enjoy company this much then i don't want to be righteous. plus you know... indian food. damn.

i'm nervous. tomorrow i go to visit the jr high where i'm gonna be visiting as an artist (what?! shit scared) for five days. i get to help them paint a mural. i have no idea what i expect or what i want them to attempt. or if they'll even want to participate or interact with me. i'm immediately intimidated by the thought of young ones that i haven't met yet. but. tomorrow is just where i get to meet them. laced with frisbee- so i get a spot of extra comfort. noooot worried. just. on tenterhooks about it. but minor tenterhooks (because that word shant just be used once). very excited at the potential for this.

lots going on. lots to distract me from the lots going on. d. d d. d dangerzone. i'm naming my daughter lana.

lead shredder II.

2011-04-22T00:44:00.003-06:00

sean claims to be making breakfast in the morning. but he says it's at 6:30. and he's not gonna wake me up. which means for the first time since last summer, i have to will myself out of bed at this wonderful time (i'm serious i love actually getting up this early) for an actual justified reason. YEAH you wish you were me (hugs self).

me'n deej had the giggle fits. nobody can ever know why. but one day you'll know. (taps nose knowingly). but not now. nor ever.

but you should know, that thursday night was a fantastic night. the good ones always brew out of plans that weren't made yet. and the ones that were made were just... disregarded. or shooed away by police. into an unexpected tizzy of frazzled excitement and plan-grasping. complacent social desperation is a wonderful enabler for the extroverted introvert. ...

that sentence was complete bogus. not that thursday wasn't fun, but because i sacrificed cohesive sentence structure for a chance to latch words together in hopes that they would made and produce sentence babies. these were the condom babies that were not planned.

(shoots flaming arrow into the air) let's play THIS game.

then drool a little.

lead shredder.

2011-04-21T00:01:00.003-06:00

once again it's that time of the heart where i tell it what's what, then because it doesn't listen i get someone else to tell it what's what, THEN because it doesn't listen God steps in and tells it what's what, THEN THEN because it doesn't listen God steps in and tells someone else to tell it what's what, and then for a fraction of a second, we get it. i say to my heart, oh man, we actually have this, don't we? whatever heart face portrays agreement is what it makes, and we strategically sail onwards and upwards, away from the gravitational pull of crap we like to be dragged through.

claiming victories, and running headlong into the proposed plan of my Lord and Savi-----______-----------//////>>>>>>>>>>>>>>......

........<<<<<<<\\\\\\\\\\----____-oooooooh shit. that is the typing interpretation of falling of the wagon into a pile of poop and getting dragged along for awhile before realizing where i am. ahhhhhhhhh damn. i was doing so good. can i still roll with the punches when i smell like idolatry? i can fling my arms around in a stinky flingy manner but it doesn't mean i'm going to hit anything.

to be fair, i'm really REALLY good at distracting myself. or focusing on the things that, yeah, i'm probably supposed to be doing anyways. let's list this up.

1. lead shredding. aka drawing tattoos. i just finished my first true intended portfolio piece and i am stoooooked on it. it's going on claire, and it's a half-ish sleeve, and it's gonna look hot. i drew another quick one right after and am thrilled with it as well. mystery intendee. and am now starting the first of three more actual half sleeves. taking the month of may off to actually get this + portfolio done. God please don't laugh at my plans... they feel so good...

2. memorizing ephesians. ohhh what a fail. still not even done the first chapter. but ask me the first 14 verses? i'll give you AT LEAST .. 12 of them. with 80% accuracy. i've motivated myself by coaxing t-berg to draw me up the tattoo i'm gonna get when i've actually accomplished this goal. game on, element of TIME.

3. ultimate. i'm playing on two teams, possibly three if i make it through try-outs on the travel team, plus practices. i'm prepared for a butt ton of disc. i'm not obsessed. i am just deeply in love with this sport, and want everyone else to experience the joy it holds.

4. friggen... graduation and new york. nothing else to say other'n the bonus acknowledgment of getting to see my parents. and bringing them to family dinner.

5. man church. knights of my spiritual round table. i've never felt more privileged to spend intimate time with these lads. we share, we grow, we drink, we celebrate.

(slams hand on the table with a note that says 'yes.' on it.) take it God. you know what's what.

three mistakes.

2011-04-19T03:06:00.002-06:00

1. having a great day. this can only mean tomorrow is at best, only going to match today. which would just be redundant.

2. i got myself a twitter. i instantly regret this because a) i now have yet another social outlet to disrupt my actual social outlets. like drinking and smoking and challenging people to lengthy wordy speak offs in which my inarticulate ass will always lose. b) i am instantly enraged that it won't allow me to modify my profile to the specific AND REQUIRED aesthetic i desire. there are very clear guidelines on 'edit profile' that deem my truly enthralling background qualified, yet no such action is taken when 'save changes' is submitted. truly devastating. now i sit in the purgatorial bliss of mediocrity with default settings. c) ... it's twitter. the name makes me feel like a jr high girl. but the justifications...

unintended innuendo. read that out loud as a break from the mistake. did you just die a little?! ugh. i'm in love with the combination of two words. i'm sorry mom, this will never conceive a grandchild for you. yet.

3. having several moments of diabolical laughter that will surely come back and stand over my tattered emotions saying 'i knew i'd make you RUE the day you didn't take me seriously!'. but not actually. there were some redemptive moments today that required the laugh. the real mistake was not seizing that moment sooner.

a rebekah retort

2011-04-14T11:18:00.001-06:00

tradesies?

so what'd you do to get in here?

2011-04-13T10:57:00.002-06:00

didn't they tell you? i'm innocent.

i don't know if that is the actual quote or not.. but it sure is how i feel. i'm in the midst of a maddeningly up and down roller coaster that changes tracks daily. it's super annoying and it makes me super neurotic. mental stability is a privilege, not a requirement apparently.

so here's what i can do. i can keep chipping away. i don't even know what i'm chipping at anymore. or what i'm imprisoned in, or what is on the other side. i could just stay in this spot, in the middle of a tunnel, and just lay here and die (dramatic much? though like i've heard and said before... if we're not growing, we're dying). i could crawl back the way i've came and find myself in the same place i desired to get out of before.

so here's what i WILL do. i don't have answers for myself. for you i could conjure up something fierce and specific and send you on your way. i can't do this for myself. i'm gonna go thataway -> the direction i hope i've been heading and hope that even this counts as a little meaningless whispered prayer that gets a loud resounding thunderous response. the enemy has chosen this as his weapon against me, and i must combat the darkness surging behind me and the emptiness leaking in around me with the motivation and hope that THIS is the way to go, that when i break through i'll have my moment of kneeling in shit while rejoicing in the glorious cleansing rain falling all around me.

and in the meantime i'll look at the most beautiful images like this and remember not to take life so seriously. thank you wonderful stranger. (and http://fuckyeahtattoos.tumblr.com/ for always providing such gold. best tattoo site yet)

.#

2011-04-08T01:04:00.001-06:00

i typed in 'd' in the web address bar and 'dictionary.com' was the first site to come up... what comes first is what is used most. the word i desired was 'flippant'.

i turned a frustrating communication day into a productive fantastinight.

.

minus the bear.

instagram, and what puppies do to me.

tattoooooooooooooooooooos. drawing, reforming AND REFINING ideals, future ideas, and general acceptance and love for my desired future.

varathane, for all it's enabling qualities.

intros to songs with rainy weather and stringed instruments. followed by very loud lovely noises and passion.

any songs with stringed instruments and very loud lovely noises and passion.

anticipation for a concert involving VERY loud lovely noises and passion- and therefore moshing, dancing, throwing and bruising. and then eating.

canmore.

the arts, and the wine.

the spanish language, but specifically the word 'mamacita'.

leftovers from my most successful art venture ever.

discin wednesdays, and the soontobeintroduction of 'she likes pigeons' into the CU world.

sweatpants.

this just in: you SUCK uninforming establishment!

2011-04-06T15:02:00.001-06:00

because not everyone is on facebook...

OH NO BAD NEWS!!
hello everyone. i have some news that, while may not devastate you, has certainly taken my level of contentedness from mildly anxious to slightly stressed and pissed off. good thing florence and her machine are present to sooth me.

so the 'due date' that i have claimed as accurate IS NO LONGER SO! i was dropped on to a sheet of information that claimed i needed my art in for installation by april 30th, which means i'm gonna need a week to actually DO the work, which means i need your documentation in by APRIL 24.

i hope this doesn't place an extra burden on your surely busy lives, but i do hope that you still see this through with me. let me know if you have any questions, be well, art hard, mess stuff up.

-t.

the new freshnesssssssssssssss

2011-04-06T09:12:00.002-06:00

Jesus taught by touching things.. hot damn.

i wrote a rap about my new socks.

drop a twenty, up a six pair
in this world of mine, that be super rare
leaving all these dimes in all these times
girl you don't even know

white fuzzy clean gonna make you scream
grey splotches of design, damn why you gotta be so fine
taking what i used to know
and replacing with what i want to FILAAAAAAA

yeah it happened, yeah it's got a name
brand dependency, still the reason for the game
but mostly i can't stitch because it's a little bitch
feet ain't worth that

fit on my toes gonna get me all the hoes
fit in my toms girl, you'd best be gettin some pom poms
this is gonna... this is.... this is redundant.

i just really like new socks. that fit. so fresh'n so clean CLEAN

damn word diggity yo, thought i was done but then i'm all like NO
this beat can't be stopped this rhyme can't be tamed
all them socks with holes prepare to be royally shamed

it'll take at least three weeks to ruin you so live it up nowwwwah
if we happen across some mud i'll just bring you into the shooowwwwwwwah
set you alight with fire, make all ya'll see your powwwwwwwwwah
take you up some stairs put you on up there hell yeah we're in a towwwwwwwah

but i just bought flippy floppies so this is only gonna last a few weeks.

confession. tyler likes girls.

2011-04-06T02:01:00.002-06:00

double confession. tyler likes nerdy girls. i won't try to classify them in any other way. secret nerds are pretty exciting, but girls who have embraced their adorably mis-stepped socialization skills are even more exciting. there is an un-tamable confidence behind someone who doesn't give a crap what people think about them. and just enjoy doing what they do. some people could call them crazy or unstable or awkward or annoying. i think i could call them innovative or revolutionary or wonderfully destructive.

one female nerd friend (though i'm sure 'geek' is a more accurate term, but screw it, let's blur those lines) of mine showed me this barbarically amazing website-

http://www.geekologie.com/

and because of her/YOU i have stumbled across a whole big mess of things i didn't know i actually loved (like the return of f***ing censorship). one being vlogs. of people i don't know, which sucks because i won't ever meet them. but they are wonderful and creative and (ten bucks if you can tell me who i found alexandra, and or whom am slightly embarrassed to be intrigued with (BUT CAN'T HELP IT!!!)) contagiously happy people, who just spout whatever they want onto the web for people to hopefully watch and listen to. AND THEY DO! and i don't know why. but that's hot. and i am attracted to that shit. and now all of the sudden i have more things to kill time with. FOR SHAME! living the dream of gaining the attention that is so attractive on a superficial level... yet so satisfying when acknowledged.

it reminds me of the time i used to skateboard down hills and ... attempt to rant about whatever was on my mind whilst i maintained balance. if nobody ever would have commented, i want to think that i would've kept going. but it sure did make me feel good when a comment or two of joyful interaction awaited me the next morning. it makes me think what i am actually seeking with my actions... my doings.. when i am being. maybe vying for that attention is the reaction to the thrill of relationship. it's like a solo paint show vs. a mosh pit. i love the intimacy and intention behind setting aside valuable time for showing off what i sometimes do, but i love the primal loss of body control when a good song is playing and my interaction is totally impersonal but intentional because without people to be bashing into, it'd just be me dancing around like a fool by myself (which is fine, but other fools sure help maximize the loss of dignity and the acceleration of adrenaline). the disjointed and un-concluded POINT is, my actions are heavily influenced by the reaction i get TO those actions, whether participatory or observant. and thus makes me think i could not get the same joy out of life if i chose to do it alone.

i am an extrovert. plain and simple. at a party, i don't need alcohol to get all tipsy and hyper and loud (if you could call me a water balloon, liquor would be the soapy lubrication around the latex as you tried to throw me), people do that to me. there are a bunch of design students upstairs working. their work bores me. but THEY intrigue me and because i sat in a room watching a tv with them i am hyper beyond justification, and unable to sleep. i wasn't hungry but i ate waffles anyways so i could spend another 12 minutes with them. staring. but being. i heard a cliche quote the other day... we're human beings, not human doings. which makes me think- why am i doing anything beyond interacting with other be-ers around me?! i haven't thought of an answer to that other than i am an introvert as well, and those instances are moments to satisfy that far less demanding side of my soul.

and... i just... proved my own ADD. which i find i do a LOT lately.. i start something, any task really, and while i keep it in my head in absolute focus, one wee little thing comes up and interrupts my precious flow and i can't help but follow that distraction until closure, and then find myself curious as to what i was doing, then get back to it EVENTUALLY because another 7 distractions happen to me. and i get the task done, believe you me. but. i'm beginning to laugh at myself a lot at the amount of time i spend trying to remember what i was doing and what i needed to say 3 minutes ago. i wonder the process other people go through to follow a thought through to completion. i must document this somehow.. also, nerd girls with tattoos are like... unnngh.. unfair to my motivation to maintain female sobriety. hopefully this inability to stick with one thing doesn't transfer over into my pursuits of actual girl. s. no. i debunk that right now. i am ferociously and self-containingly loyal to the idea of a girl. and i can't let it go until closure is achieved. is that wrong? or limiting? why did i ever pray for patience... cuz i've got it. i don't need more. k. k. k. i've ACTUALLY got it. formula for happiness.

(under the context of bringing the Kingdom and trying to love Christ)

get inspired by shit. create shit. share created shit. intake more shit. output more shit. ))<>(( is FAR more genius that i gave it credit for... cripes. marry. have kids. teach them to make shit.

time moves really fast when i get this excited. it frightens me but doesn't frustrate me like time travel. or make me anxious like submarines. if there is EVER a movie about a time travelling submarine, i already choose to not watch that. worst ever. which reminds me about another little something that infuriates me... but i forget right now. but oh man is it devastating. AHA! it's not being able to hear clearly. like if the tv is too quiet or if people are talking too closely to what i am listening to. it ruins minutes.

speaking of which...
asking alexandria- a lesson never learned. this is one of those songs that instantly took me by surprise, and will likely be in the top ten at the end of 2011 on my list. someone today also called me obsessed with frisbee. i chose to reword it as passionate. i LOVE ultimate. i truly do. that's why i can't afford to be obsessed with it. that is an unhealthy way to asphyxiate my other passions.

i reread the word ostentatious today and thought to myself... that is a mighty impressive sounding word. very impressive indeed. but i do not know how to define this word. i just looked it up:

-adjective
1.
characterized by or given to pretentious or conspicuous show in an attempt to impress others: an ostentatious dresser.
2.
(of actions, manner, qualities exhibited, etc.) intended to attract notice: Lady Bountiful's ostentatious charity.

.............................. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeasy waytooappropriatewordforthistopic..

22. why i felt i wanted more was beyond me.

2011-04-05T15:02:00.003-06:00

i've never had an image shake me like this before.

let's get STICKY

2011-04-04T10:38:00.005-06:00

my musical happiness this week thus far lies within the voice of thom yorke. and his 'the eraser' solo album from a few years back. it nursed me to excited health yesterday during the painting party. and is caressing my eardrums as i sit here at school not painting. and i will continue to not paint. for... now.. a time.

i finally hopped back on board the wakingupsuperhappy train. not like it was a long absence... it just feels great feeling great. i'm content again and that is scary, because LORD KNOWS it never lasts very long. like... half a day maximum. i can't help messing with things. i'm very grateful for the heart on my chest because frankly, it reminds me to do things with passion and reckless abandon. i didn't realize it when i got it that it would do this... because my other tattoos i GOT for that purpose, and became not necessarily what i intended.. (not to take away from my love LOVE love for them, i just don't get reminded to be holy from markings on my body. that comes from being aware and sensitive.) i'm only reprimanded by my tattoo representation when i fall short of being who i am. careful comfortable.. forget that. heart games on full availability (cue alexisonfire lyrics).

with that being said i just got an alumni package for graduating this year and now have a paranoid feeling that i've been institutionalized. i seriously need some white umbrellas to get me over that.

get on me.

emily. the car, the sister, the unknown.

2011-03-30T01:17:00.004-06:00

i heard the best name for earth in a long time.

groaning sod.

then i read the best blog i've read in a long time.

http://donmilleris.com/2011/03/29/ten-characteristics-of-a-disciple/

then i drank a juicebox that revolutionized my life.

sun-rype frust PLUS veggies, raspberry orange.
but that was months ago...

(set alight and release. recklessly onward. rum and rye. dr. pepper and emptiness.)

garnish- this pursuit is now available in acoustic

2011-03-29T12:11:00.003-06:00

20. but my glasses in theory should belong on my face...

21. fine china ambush.

in these days we enjoy the finer things in life. the knowledge of a battle we can't see, the responsibility of actions we must uphold. love is light and darkness cannot invade this space.

(fist clenching sigh) watch 'furious love' if you have the time. or balls. or she-balls.

as i sit here in this contented darkness knowing the sun actually arose today, i wonder what it means to not be thought about on a committed level. my perspective is limited from either side if we are measuring time as accuracy.. volume speaks volumes though- silent or empty to loud and filled. placed on different shelves to be used at different times for different people.

1 808 days ago i said i was done- and i've spent 1 658 more trying to get back to day 1.

19. i never thought i wouldn't trust rice...

2011-03-24T01:21:00.002-06:00

one day i tread upon some string
i thought that it was odd, so neat and so free
fascinated i looked carefully closer
hoping to find any reason for why it should be.

i found that it was a fuse
i dearly wanted to light it indeed
the curiosity, the magic left unseen
created inside of me an insatiable need.

i followed it all around
wandered and meandered with it awhile
hoping to find the end with an answer
perhaps with a question that would suit my style.

frustrated at the length i was going
i bend over and set it alight
watched it for a little distance
and ran ahead to end it's dwindling flight.

alas it would not diffuse
what had been done was now in motion
panicked and fearful ran to hide
in anything that resembled an ocean.

i ran in the direction i had come
seeking the right way so i could start over
but the sparks came closing in after
not allowing me to find the desired cover.

taking notice i stopped to observe
that this was not a situation from which i could flee
with a sudden realization i cried
'this fucking fuse, it's attached to me!'

accepting my fate and waiting for the connection
i hoped at least i was filled with something
beautiful and worthwhile, colourful and powerful
something to make me believe i was more than nothing.

the fuse and i met together at last
there were tears in my eyes and fire in hers
we exploded with a glorious flash that nobody else would see
and what i experienced was better than anyone assures.

and for you i'll drop it from this extreme height.

2011-03-22T18:00:00.003-06:00

how convenient of us to have this time to waste together. we'll pitch it to the rest of our future and see if it's possible to continue in this way. we've got nobody to impress and nobody to witness any expectations. i guess we HAVE this time so... so why not. why wait. why rush. just quiet and be, release and see.

i think i just made the best powerpoint presentation i'm ever going to make.

2011-03-22T14:11:00.003-06:00

and since i'm probably only ever going to make this one, i feel pretty damned successful. ooooo.. damn-ed successful. that's disheartening...

here's how it goes. i talk about me. then it's over. SWEET.

shoot. i should have used this picture. then over dramatized my entire presentation using mock arrogance and personality augmentation. then just walk out after, no questions or feedback intake. what a BADASS i am in my head. i'd end up full body blushing and tripping over something on the way out though... cover blown. mm. 'lend me some sugarrr, i am your NEIGHBOR!' shake it. shake it like a polaroid picture.

there are a few things though, as of late that are truly stirring my shit UP. i don't know if it's just impassioned judgment or justified hesitance to warm up to these certain things, but i feel talking about them with an upward inflection will help me sort it out.

1. the kingdom now campaign. rockpointe is a wondrous facilitator of providing service opportunities and maintaining a constant attitude of growth-seeking amongst it's highly devout community. it has enabled a rich genuine community of go getters at metro and for that i'll be forever stoked. but this new campaign is ripping a hole in my conscience as far as giving goes... i agree with the plan to raise 3.2 million dollars over 20 months in order to plant more churches around the city, give a far bigger donation and investment to missions both overseas and domestically, but it's the facility upgrading that is making me hesitate aggressively to even consider giving what little i hate. i think the argument 'what i believe to be important may not be as important to others, and likewise their importances to mine', but i'm having a super hard time thinking that spending a higher percentage of money on upgrades instead of the outgoing citizens of the Kingdom is super short sighted and weeeeeak in priorities. i don't see how it is going to bring love to people any faster or more effectively than if the buildings were left the way they were. new gear and production equipment has a slightly elevated level of importance (goodness gracious, this IS the decade past the new millenium), but ultimately will only cater to those who require such delicacies on their spiritual palate. the people in need really aren't going to give a shit, in my opinion. nobody walks into a building and says 'i see Christ in this new entranceway... i repent!'. interaction and relationship is what is going to make this life more bearable. if we are indeed seeking to love God with all our heart soul and mind, and then love other's like ourselves. i'm stoked for the people that are going to give to this, and know that they will indeed be blessed for sacrificing, but this isn't something i'm choosing to be a part of.

these thought processes have got me all uppity on my tithes and convictions. jef made a good point about me surrendering my calloused view of man and giving up control of my money, in order that i'll give my faith a boost. i fully agreed with this, then felt an immense conviction that while yes, this is true, i also need to be a good steward with what i have been given and give according to my passions and holy discontents. i'm so blessed and grateful to have what i have, who i have, what to be honest, WHEN i am.. so it's time to own my blessing so i can BE a blessing. hopping back on board proactive ideas for surrendering..

2. couples. (shudders, suppresses a barrage of f-bombs that haven't been suppressed lately) couples... i want to think it's not just jealousy, though it very well could be, but i am fed up with people changing once they get into a relationship. i GET that it's important to spend time with each other on a separate basis (i've been there, i understand the desire and the necessity) but on the cusp of several new and continuing couples that i know, it's becoming dangerously close to evolving into an exclusive clique where the rest of anyone who isn't partnered up isn't allowed. for some reason. i thought that the part about us being GOOD together wasn't to have our identities evaporated into ambiguity, but to be enhanced in who we are as individuals because we are MORE complete with that other person. tyler + himself = tyler, tyler + 1 = tyler ross hochhalter. i'm terrified and mortified of becoming one of these people who succumb to the pressures of contentment and forget to challenge themselves with growth and refinement as individuals. hold me accountable for that. change is good, change is great, but only in a progressive manner.

with THAT being said, i'm constantly bombarded by adorable cuteness all around me, and i'm stoked to be privileged enough to witness the intention and presentation of wooers and wooees interacting with each other. it's a constant beautiful danger zone, and while my fears are relevant and constant, my appreciation is all smiles in the wake of the standard spring time ritual of hookups and commitments. pursue if you must, exist as you dare, but please maintain the integrity and dignity of owning your identity and giving it to someone to massage and give right back. better...

3. snow. i've actually had enough for once.

i need to write more so i don't lash out with a scathing tongue like i feel i just have. and i need some white umbrellas.

what if these trains collided

2011-03-17T22:55:00.004-06:00

oh be joyful. cuz that shit spreads (massive props to matt good for boosting my already happy mood to new levels with his timely advice).

i REALLY enjoy not driving on nights like these. it's saint patrick's day. emphasis on the '''(get it? fuck i'm awesome). how did i get this white v-neck on?! who cares! i think i finally understand the celebration on nights like these. if it is indeed patrick''!'s day, then truly it is a justifiable cause to celebrate. he was THE man. honestly. who gets taken into slavery as a child, falls in love with the land they are taken captive to, and then GOES BACK when freedom was attained. WITHOUT permission from the church, from whom said he couldn't because he was not yet a bishop, to which he said 'eff that noise, i AM a bishop' and went anyways. authority in Christ, enabled through passion and mission, developing community and amazing poetic prayers throughout. st. patrick, i drink to you this eve.

'Christ, shield me today against burning, against drowning, against wounding, so that there may come to me abundance of reward, Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ on my right, Christ on my left, Christ when i lie down, Christ when i arise, Christ in quiet, Christ in danger, Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me, Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me, Christ in every eye that sees me, Christ in every ear that sees me'

instead of a picture, i give you my favorite authors blog of today.
http://donmilleris.com/2011/03/17/happy-st-patricks-day/
makes me weepy.

how the story never went

2011-03-15T23:35:00.002-06:00

baseball bats and ideals.

i feel like... writing. like mammoth narratives about the characters i've created in my head. put into the situations and circumstances i imagine myself in. but then i think, who would read something like that? then i continue to think, is this what writers go through? thinking their work isn't worth the effort because they don't know if anyone is going to accept the chance to love it? screw it. it's art, i do art all the time. most of the time i 'don't care' what people think about it. but i kind of have to don't i? i can consider it done and beautiful but if nobody else does, is it's existence still definable as art?! OH NO! this is a horrible rabbit hole to go down in this frazzled state of mind i am currently residing in. screw it. i am going to write stories. invest some time into actually finishing and piecing together a cohesive narrative. maybe graphic novel style. maybe a screenplay. with my 'student' status about to be lifted, i feel both freed from the excuses and elder-sympathy of a less rational stage of life, and imprisoned by the impending nature of the next stage of which i have never been a part of. i hope to cling harder to the freedom element and manage my time in a way that will glorify what i am about. i want to experience TIME. but to have time i must first have money, which is a luxury a student knows not. the luxury i will know will hopefully be a thirst for wisdom as an apprentice. until that time, draw, write, get support SOMEHOW, and love. God. grass. people. sport. people. someone specific. other people. enemies. thunder and rain and the smell before it all goes down.

springtime has arrived in attitude.

your birthday is a lie. you were ACTUALLY born on THIS day...

2011-03-11T00:06:00.002-07:00

here are three things i've just discovered i love.

1. reconnecting with old friends. especially when it's actually been more than 7 years and you've been aware of each other, but haven't interacted in so long you don't actually know each other. so you get to learn and re-learn whilst catching up. effing. awesome.

2. walking home from the train half drunk whilst listening to we came as romans. and having to pee really really bad, and dressing for 2 degrees though it is -13 degrees. and then finding a shaded spot of the path. and peeing.

3. eating half of a pumpkin pie.

don't pour us, get to the chorus

2011-03-09T12:13:00.003-07:00

-with sword, rope, and guillotine we swore to make the sky rain blood on heathen heads. tyranical penitence beheld by a saturated evil, entitlement with an authority we had no right to uphold. the mark of our Savior became the mark of the beast, and the signs and wonders we were told to create were the slaughter and control of the grace meant to be bestowed upon everyone. running away from the truth and wielding His name unjustly and claiming the favor of the Lord for our own agenda.-

shit, i was angry once. not like the fire isn't still there, but the language has changed and the accusing verbal glares have been replaced with shy glances of love. i hope. at least i know it's possible to be forgiven, so we continue that way. holy discontent = righteous pursuit of a more valid representation of Christ. sure, it's rained blood. it's still raining blood. so let's open up our surrender-white umbrella's and cover up those who shouldn't know what blood tastes like.

the bleeding heart that was cleaned up by a leaking heart

2011-03-08T14:41:00.003-07:00

i'm sick of talking and i'm sick of waiting. i'm sick of the lack of doing and the amount of sitting. and talking. and waiting. i'll light this fire under my own feet to get me running. all socks burn through eventually.. responsibility amidst the resolve to release control on this unraveling thread.

i put it there and instantly forgot that it was new. it just fit. it was right and it was known.

when i grow up i wanna be a heretic

2011-03-04T18:09:00.003-07:00

march. march march march. left right left? nay- left left right.

here is what i am excited for within the month of march. in measurements of excitement.

financial hesitation and spending abandonment. with some foul plays in my past and mis-readings of future endeavors, i know owe people money. with a massive chunk included to my gracious 'rents. who have helped me out in order that i can go to new york on the painting department trip. with THAT being taken care of, focus now comes to regaining financial stability in the coming and furthering months, which means a social embargo on many activities and their wallet sucking kingdom of fun. despite this parental sanctioned bereavement and verbal flogging of my bond-able skill set, i am 17 out of 24 70's nikon film pictures excited. i get to challenge myself WITH self control, saying no, being scroungier in my artistic pursuits, withholding many things from many other things, spawning responsibility, trusting God more, and choosing wisely the things that will benefit me and my pebt (oh yeah. parental debt.).

love wins. a book about heaven, hell and the fate of every person who ever lived by rob bell. already stirring shit up in the 'evangelistic' community, with people claiming bell to be a universalist who is abandoning the theology of God's inspired word. i say if love wins, who is to argue? and to quote aqualung "if love is not the answer then maybe i misunderstood the question". i enjoy seeing some of the responses to the book that isn't even out yet (march.29... hence my anticipation) and the fathoms of people claiming to continue to pray for rob bell. snicker snicker. not that i like confrontation or conflict... (3 out of 4 fresh decks of cards) http://blog.christianitytoday.com/ctliveblog/archives/2011/02/rob_bells_book.html
... but i love a good theological throw-down. not like this IS one. but.. i just really enjoyed this article and really REALLY am looking forward to reading this book. with one full, shared, dejarum of excitement.

battle: LA. i'm just going to ignore the directors previous movies and pretend this is his first attempt. and am going to bank heavily on a truly amazing trailer and hope the actual product is worthy of such a representation. should it suck, i abolish trailers from my life forever as a viable source of excitement. SHEEP NO MORE! i shall cry. i am half a bowl of bacon fried rice excited. (honorable excitement mentions to limitless, paul, and sucker punch. we are rich to live in such a cinematic time as this (floppy tongue noise)).

continuing episodes of community. with this show, and modern family taking over my coveted 'most loved show' top spots, i am constantly floored by the consistency of my laughter even whilst alone by this and this show. forever 4 out of 5 light switches turned on for my excitement.

show'n sale. i need money. money demands work. work demands me using time well. meaning i MUST be productive for three weeks to produce anything resembling art. as this is my very last show'n sale i need to make sure my work is the best i've done, and soaked in my own style and personality. not just making work just to sell it... but to piece by piece infect the lives of anyone who wants my art. i didn't work today because it might've been too cold. but i WORKED today because of it, and for that i am thankful, and a brand new sketchbook worth of excitement.

owning my own self and giving up control and letting down my walls and continue throwing my heart recklessly and passionately at my pursuits, in all contexts. four minutes of snoopy dancing of excitement.

... i'm positive there are more but i frankly do not have the time or energy enough to write about all of them. i could make a list but then i'd have TOO much to anticipate and then sleeping would become useless. phu-sigh.

three thousand four hundred and thirty two.

2011-02-26T11:57:00.005-07:00

who likes marathon reading? well i like marathon writing, so have at YE.

dj co pilot, jef rear guard, tyler captain, three men one week so few plans PEOPLE PEOPLE EVENT PERSONS TATTOOS (bigger font) CLAM CHOWDER! we headed out around 9, few energy drinks in tow, iphone directions saved, blasting the likes of thrice, one republic, sick puppies and other road trip favorites. night time is the best time to start... nobody else on the road, people can sleep (or attempt... my bad), and border crossing is easiest. like... two questions. i didn't even have a CHANCE to stutter or get nervous. easy peasy. i took my shift until about... 2-3ish until my body started long blinking and then dj took over for like 9 hours. t a n k of a man. he captains well. by the time he wanted to duck out and sleep some more we were only an hour out of portland, and twenty minutes later we got out of the car near a waterfall to do a little photoshoot at jef's bidding. they turned out pretty sweet.. when we got to portland we parked in a super inexpensive lot (YEAH sunday/merica/before 5:30pm) and ventured out into a city yet wandered. and went ten minutes before we discovered an open sushi joint and planted our behinds behind the freshly opened conveyor belt of amazing food. we decided to come back later when it was happy hour so we could get more for cheaper... but then we didn't. but we DID continue wandering, for several hours around the many blocks the portland city center has to offer. we ignored potentially amazing doughnuts, partook in the careless searching and erotic banter of pipe purchasing, stole starbucks wi-fi... and punched out of the parking lot to go meet my friend steve at buffalo wild wings for some beer.

break.

after deciding to not find directions to b-dubs and just SEEK it, we found ourselves with 4 hours to murder. we found a starbucks and park-napped in front of it whilst stealing wi-fi for a few hours then decided to car wander some more to get rid of another two hours before we met steve. we found a target, some cheap merican sheesha, another starbucks to steal wi-fi from, then parked it up at bww's to meet steve! we had some delightful talk getting to catch up and getting to know each other (jef an deej) and had some delicious blue moon beer and the second best burger i've ever had (really? you say... let me tell you... chili cheese burger was ridic. from a chain no less. suuupriiiised. i had that expectation for ferg berger and it WAS the best. i had no expectations for this one and it shocked my mouth into a second place submission). all in all good, great and happy, we took off towards cannon beach and found an rv parking lot once we got there and crashed for the eve in scout. ... not before finding mo's, and evading probing police. we slept mildly great.

double break.

we awoke hankering for some beach action, so we jettisoned scout behind someone's house and bailed onto the cold ass beach. haystack rock.. familiar still, beautiful always.. no puffins, but plenty of starfish to be seen. jef got attacked by the sea and his wet socks survived to tell the tale. mo's didn't open until 11, so we meandered here and there and drove south for awhile until we came across a gigantic view of the pacific that we couldn't not get out and pee in front of. we were really hoping to find some starbucks to steal wi-fi from, but the good old small coast has yet to be tainted by such infectious royalties. we found another secluded little beach, broke in our new celebration pipes, and escaped from further wet socks by scaling barnacle clad rocks into rock vagina caves. we took pictures in one, and have cave pipes in the other. all whilst observing some locals surfing, walking dogs, interacting with nature.. hot. so good. so fresh... we discussed what kind of dogs happened to be our ideal mates, and it was deemed that deej would be best suited with an irish wolf hound, jef a husky, me with a border collie, and later marc with a lab or golden retriever. these desires have left certain aspirations in our heads as to the near future. we want puppies. all of us. i also googled border collie rescues but didn't let myself linger for fear of making a commitment i'm not capable of actually making yet. my dog janitor and me will have to wait to meet... but i digress! we wandered through the forest back to the car after having successfully enjoyed several hours at this lovely beach and headed to mo's, the main purpose for this entire trip. the fulcrum, if you will, for events to transpire before and after said feeding. i was pretty sure my 'best chowder ever' statement would stand, but knowing my amorous attraction to exaggeration, jef'n deej were unsure if such a boast could be met. steve helped a lot when he said it was the perfect reason for such a road trip, and that we should anticipate the freshness of the clams by enjoying a rare crunch of sand in our mouths upon eating. the freshness. we sat down, ordered a beer, and within five minutes had a family bowl of original clam chowder in front of us. we spoke a blessing, asked for a blessing, and ingested a formidable size of chowder before we decided we were happy and content, not to the point of bloating but within the CUSP of pure satisfaction. i'm unsure what the other lads thought, but it was cemented into my head that yes, this indeed was still the best clam chowder i have ever consumed. mission #1 complete.

break three, not break dance.

hours, naps, and miles later we entered seattle, fresh off of a phone call with marc giving us the location of our hostel home. the drive had been... apprehensive, as we battled with slow cars and the ever evil prius (most notably the car that stopped the free flow of speed 80% of the time... and if not a prius, then a truck, who is understandably slow, but quick to gain the accusation of 'bitch ass' as it towed not one, nor two, but three prius' in it's truck bowels.). gaining any speed over 70mph was a massive blessing, and finally arriving at the minas tirith of merican cities was surely a relief. our hostel was located on pike st and first ave, a mere stones throw away from pike place, and blocks away from other seattle staples (cough. ivar's. second cough.). i thought marc said green han____ or something, so i erased the second word from my focus and started searching for the green lantern. i did not find it or him, but i DID find the green tortoise, our home for the next two glorious nights. it was fairly cheap for four of us to stay in the same room with each other, as well as park scout in a lot for a hostel cheapened total of $36 over 45ish hours. the room was typical hostel, but clean and with access to kitchen, eggs, internet, cool explory people, and excellent showers. i highly suggest hooking yourself up with one if the chance ever happens across your lap. do it. we settled quite quickly and showered, pooped, updated statuses and headed out on the town. first stop, ivar's, the second best clam chowder i have ever had. 1 and 2 in the same day. so o o o o o o so spoiled. chowder heaven, was i in. we parted ways with our new friend jonathan from scotland, and made our way to the elysian, as suggested by our new friend jonathan from scotland. we clinked our beers together and decided tonight was a pub night, a solo adventure down pike st on the way back to our hostel, a beer a bar as long as no cover was charged, and that it was a bar/pub, not a show/club. here's the breakdown of our lovely cut monday night.

elysian- i had a mens bathroom, a red beer, and we politely talked about women, the state of our social stage in life, and how excited we were to enter the stages of half cut - cut with each other on THIS VERY EVE.

the unicorn- we discovered a $3 beer for $2 (since obviously it was happy hour, OUR happy our) (rolling rock) and the most creative corn dogs available to us at that hOUR. it was like... tubby dog. on a stick. and less extravagant but equally creative. and we talked about women, the naked girl getting a photo shoot in the corner, the state of our social stage lately, and how excited we were to have 1 1/2 beers in us on a monday night. in seattle.

cha cha- i'll say most suave (not shrewd) bar, interesting decor, people and another round of doubly inexpensive drinks (rainier). i sat in a broken chair, stud to my right, stud to my left, and stud directly across from me. we talked about women, how this bar rocked and would be a frequent of ours should we live in seattle, the future state of our social state, and how as we left the girls in the booth behind us seemed super disappointed.

quinn's- with an epic name like odin's gift, i knew this red beer to be something special. it wasn't, but i still enjoyed it. i fantasized about another piece of pizza that i had consumed in between bars, but settled in by thinking about how i could always get another one later. we talked about women, the chase and collapse, how water was a pretty good idea, the immediate future of our social state and how excited we were to tackle the next bar.

honey hole- surely the classiest name we'd come across, and with yet another cheapy beer (olympia) our stay here was sure to be ... sweet. and short. so short. and spilly. we lasted ten minutes, made a minor sloppy mess of our table, and forgot to talk about women or sex or sociality or excitement. only urination was discussed.

six arms- the height of cut-ed-ness. we all ordered different beers with general names, i chose wheat, jef chose something redish and decided to snort pepper. dj wanted in and snorted salt. marc and i bah-ed and followed suit, only to find regret and no glory for thinking in a like-drinky-mind. we talked about urination, spilling, how we just peed in that alley, and how glad we were the next bar was probably closed.

the taphouse- it was not closed. but we had a good several blocks to separate ourselves from our liquid selves. and peed. but mostly walked into this place with a hyrulian thirst for exploration, and felt like we were entering a dungeon of some sort as we descended the stairs into this haven of magic. lining the wall behind the bar were many many MANY taps. we thought they were decoration. they were not. so we had pirate named beer and cheapish appies and congratulated ourselves on proposing this to be the last bar regardless of what we came across. responsibility, thy name is monday night and a fear of the hangover. we talked of women, social degradation through expectation, radiohead, and beds.

break four... a smoke.

tuesday we encountered a wonderful self made breakfast with self poured juice and self butter spread toast. actually wonderful and we had quite our fill. it was a wondrous time of contemplation, hipstamatic lenses and films, and prospects for our day. we opted to wander a different direction than before, and found an area quite like gas town in vancouver, except merican. but not before heading to the wondrous victrola cafe, home of my favorite chai ever (now that it can be defined in that way..), and a whole morning spent on papers, photo editing, tattoo drawing and words free with friends. a delightful studly morning of academic behavior and celebration for conquest. steamed milk conquest. huzzah. after spending most of the day wandering around and becoming intimate with seattle, it was time to head to the hostel for a night of watching our new favorite show, archer, and not drink. which lasted (for marc and i) until after supper when a cute girl from s. carolina (ish... more like georgia...) asked if we wanted some wine which lead to some cool conversation which led back to the taphouse for a few more beers but mostly just some quality stranger to friend transition time. jef and deej hit up the cheesecake factory and gorged themselves into an early sleep submission. it was a fine finale evening to the seattle dream, and we slept like champions. in the morning there was a trip to the aquarium sans me, who sat in a lovely cafe (second best cup of coffee in downtown seattle i hear) and drew tattoos for two hours. another blessed splendid morning, followed by more pier photoshooting and ivar's indulgence. after that, it was pack up, get comfy, and head north to the border. and eating spicy mcchicken sandwiches. le delicious. merica!

break five! that was a good one. hope you didn't jam your wrist.

i suppose it would have been wednesday that we arrived in victoria... frosty, snowy, the cold that chills to the bone because you're near the ocean.. we quickly started drinking after we had 'settled' and waiting in anticipation for our dear friend thom to meet us at marc's lovely apartment. we smoked sheesha from the first hookah i ever smoked from, and started contemplating what to do with our night. once thom and jolly (his girlfriend holly... adorable couple. just. the cutest.) arrived we decided to play telephone pictionary, which quickly turned into penis-sex-racism telephonemakemelaughsuperhard pictionary. a delightful game. since our brains weren't challenged enough, we then moved onto the infallible game of charades, some of us familiar with the passionate adventure guessing game and some of us familiar with the simpler, less enjoyed game. the adora-couple and i took on the male adora-couple and marc, each with seven words thrown into a toque for the other team to rip apart with their fanatical acting skills. there were some impossible words, and some not so hard words, but the first round was a rousing adventure into the beginning stages of impassioned competition and frustration, but not yet with any soup-mario incidents. i believe my end lost, but dead away we started another round, dedicated on blowing each other out of the water with frustration and challenge. ten words apiece, and probably two hours later it was 4 am and thom + holly decided it was time for bed. i also thought this would be the case for us, until i came back from a doortime goodbye to marc and jef on one side of the room scribbling words, and dj with an empty chair on the other side of the room with paper ready to be scribbled on. the gloves were off, and we played for another two ish hours, taking our total charades time to about 6 1/2 hours. alcohol played no influence (until the next morning when we discovered how easily some of our words could be taken apart... shrewd... nude... shit) as our brains were far to immersed in the best of games. we slept well-ish, strewn about the apartment, stirring words around in our brains. we awoke to a sexy breakfast from marc (oh we were good alright..) and headed into the town to photoshoot, consume sushi, and question union tattoo if our previous arrangements were still for the win. all was good with the exception of the closure of red fish blue fish, whom we assume like many other of the shops in vic had closed because of the unexpected half foot of snow. it was a sad, sad day. until the sushi, and then the amazing meet up with marc's parents and the annihilation of very delicious food. i don't remember the last time i was that full, or full of joy from seeing parents i hadn't seen in a very long time. still hyped on the thought of games, we bought four decks of cards and headed to marc's, and after barely an episode of archer were all passed out and unaware of any competition remaining inside of us. but of course... this was all after we dressed up super studly like and headed to the tower for martini's and photoshoots. jef was a gentleman professional, and got us permission to have a corner booth while he shot us looking hot and sheepish, so we celebrated each other, cheap appies and talked extensively about justice, God, ether, women, how good we looked, tattoos, and heavy things. it was a grand night and once again we earned our sleep.

break six. the final chance for tea and coffee.

i actually don't remember which morning had the sexy breakfast anymore.. it was actually probably this one. our only agenda for the day was getting inked. and more photoshooting, but just marc. jef was up first, and with our half hour we went to the cheap sushi place and got a delicious shrimp tempura with salmon avacado combo. mateio was yet again an amazing hilarious speedy artist who appreciated my designs and hugely encouraged me to pursue an apprenticeship. i asked him if he'd be willing, but with three kids and a fourth about to pop out, time was not on his side. i was fully prepped and ready to move to vic given the chance, but alas calgary is indeed destined to be my home base. jef took about an hour plus one half, then deej was up for about an hour, and then i hopped in for the most painful almost two hours of my tattoo life. the chest is NOT a happy place to get needled into. collar bone too. fun times though! we had a wondrous experience at union once again and are happy to say we'll go back there again. too good to not. exhaustedly we packed up at marc's and said our loving goodbyes and made our way to the ferry for the last time on this trip. we missed the 7, napped until the 9, napped through the ride and took off through van towards our dalhome. ten hours later, into bed we dove, ready to take on inn from the cold for an all nighter of risk and man church love. i dub reading week successful in the highest.

i'm not tired but i'll sleep anyways.

2011-02-10T23:26:00.001-07:00

psh. lies. i'm exhausted. but now alert and ready and thinking and pondering and desiring and hungry but mostly just... prepared. it's time.

friggen juice.

2011-02-08T00:42:00.002-07:00

today... has made me want to list. instead of just gripe and bitch. let me RECANT

movies watched...

lords of dogtown
it's a trap!
sister act
harold and kumar go to white castle
harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay
the matrix

substances consumed...

juice boxes. 1.
beer. 3 1/2.
panormous pizza slices. 8.
bowls of ramen. 1.
drips of hot sauce. 14.
waffles. 4.
apples. 1.
slices of toast. 2.
handfuls of chips. 7.
milk. 0.

redundancy...

spider-man thought patterns. 6.
tattoos drawn. 0.04.
hours spent in the fort. literally 14 hours, 14 minutes and counting.
awful jokes repeated. 1 1/2.
darth vader speaks. 3 times.
f bombs dropped or laid down. a solid 19+.
ices. just. one. 19. don't ever accept chips from jef.
shudders. 3-4.
responses to the future. 98.

here's something new

2011-02-07T16:55:00.002-07:00

brand new spankin pet peeve. when people skim read, and do not ready everything in a message, email, letter, or instruction pamphlet.

this is the worst, especially when a swift and easy response is needed, and nothing happens. i know there is a time and place to have to cater to those with ignorant reading habits, but.. if we all just TOOK the time, read for thirty seconds longer, responded appropriately (i must not call the kettle black, therefore i must take this up another level with my own reading as well), i think a lot more things would get done. fuck. did you read that? shitdamnpisspoo. remember that test we all took as kids, where they teacher explained calmly to read it over before we started, and most all of us took off writing without reading the instructions? with the number one instructing being only answer the last question on the test? and most all of us were played as saps, while the good children were validated with excellent attention skills. obviously this decadeandahalf year old test has had a profound impact on me and my ability to tolerate behavior as such.

(rage subsides) understanding patience tolerance and DESTROYING TIMIDITY

swiffer this

2011-02-07T16:44:00.001-07:00

17. lame sniffer.

18. that was not my litter.

nineteen and twenty will be my proudest of moments.

we took a snow day today. one sixteenth of the way to school, called it quits and turned right around for a day of fake productivity. i feel the need to apologize to my teacher for missing class, but i also feel the compulsion to never bring it up and pretend like it didn't happen, so as to preserve my negligence as an item of productivity in itself, as so far it has gone on unquestioned and therefore remaining justified in my slacker eyes, run on sentence. all i can think about is graffiti and tattoos, yet neither have shown their heads in the form of a sketch in my untouched sketchbook. the time is nigh for me to pump out work, and reading the first 38 pages of 'Jesus for president' was all the fire i needed to feel motivated enough to produce once more. but.. tomorrow.. when i can conjure up materials with the money i earned to make ideas into tangible objects of thought.

i should feed myself better as well.

i want it to be saturday.

this is the pump up. this is what i listen to when:

2011-02-05T18:10:00.003-07:00

i need to settle the soul. gungor, dry bones.

i need to sooth that insecurity and smile all over the inside. generator (first floor), freelance whales.

i need to gain courage and righteous angst. the abolition of man, thrice.

i need to get into being myself and get stoked. tik tok (ke$ha cover (i almost threw up typing that)), woe is me.

le happy sigh. saturday, you will be mine.

in alternative states of mind, get cushions, make a fort, and isolate yourself. the rest of the world doesn't matter. that was a redeeming friday night. blasting JT, cooperating as a household, then snuggling and smoking and drinking and sleeping and watching (the fifth element. at least 29% of it.) and sleeping.

i must be tan on the inside.

2011-02-03T00:24:00.002-07:00

this weather is a giant tease. which is why i play my sports inside giant inflatable plastic ant queen looking buildings. or just climbing walls. inner competitive passion, IGNITE!

i feel as if i have been kicked in the stomach several times. once for fear. once for sadness. once for anticipation. once again for fear. yet another for self ridicanalysis. once more for the future.

i googled some mysterious words and this was the most inappropriate image i could find that portrayed how i was feeling. someone TRY to find that. i dare you. mega points if you do. in hindsight of my search... it is growing on me in accuracy. and irresponsible cuteness.

i mooched from two separate meals for my dinner tonight. financially challenged tyler has returned with successful vengeance. it would be unwise to ask for the money i owe you. i'll only hug and shush you. you will walk away deflated yet loved.

two days into february and what have i found musically? nothing. but i am going to a show tomorrow. i hear he's amazing. then another show on saturday. i hear equally amazing things about this guy. i'm opting to not listen to either before so i can experience the first interaction with them with no expectation other than the good things other people have said. i found out lights is pretty cute though. celebrity crush updated. and the jon foreman ep's are doing justice to the part of me that wants to sit on a porch all day.

me me me me meme me me. meme meme me mememe me me meme. in fiji, this means pee. so skit's using these words turn out funnier than intentioned, and the message is lost. I am important but apparently covered in urine. sigh.

forks are so pretentious.

2011-02-01T12:31:00.004-07:00

lately... shit.

would i rather be blind for ten years or in prison for one year? prison.

would i rather be blind for three years or in prison for one year? prison.

would i rather be blind for one year or in prison for one year? prison.

these answers i so easily gave yesterday have penetrated my brain to the point of an analysis so... misunderstood.. that i feel so unsettled with either answer, my thoughts have begun compiling the things in my life deemed as necessity or privilege. i was going back and forth between how much i hold onto my functions as a human, and how devastated i would be if i lost something so vital to me as sight. but, at the same time, knowing how adaptable i and we as humans are and can be, it wouldn't end up being a burden after some time. and then the miracle of regaining the sight? shit. that's a joy that cannot be comprehended unless experienced. and alongside the adapting and re-compromising life, i'd still be surrounded by the people i love. in prison i would still feel support, but i'd be fully disconnected. what drove me to say prison so quickly is the opportunities i'd have with a whole batch of new people to befriend and bond with (not in the violent generalization prison bonding ways.... i think i'm past that fear) and pour into, and the time i'd have to myself to just read and do stuff i wouldn't normally get to do. which is a weird freedom to apprehend through the stripping of freedom... though of course it would be awful as well. but then if i was blind, i'd be in a mind melting state of frustration at the lack of anything i could do, but THEN music would become the absolute of all muses, which would make it even MORE worthy and justified to invest in.. but in prison i could still draw and function.. flip i don't know. well done laura for making me feel smug about myself one day then a total disaster the next day. i want neither of these things.

what else has been effing with me is this usage based billing that shaw is aiming for. immediately my reaction was disgust and furious angst, because of the moral corruption driven by capitalism this corporation was showing. i don't think i've ever felt more breached by potential oppression (which is fucking awful... i'm so so so so so SO very blessed) and my reaction has shown me what i value.. which is conflicting, because absolutely yes, this would be a wrong and terrible thing to put a measure on how much information we access (however you feel about moderation and just payment being due to the people who provide such an amazing service), but that it gave me SUCH a stir is what makes me think it'd be a good thing to take a step back and evaluate why i think information like this is entitled to me. i don't think being charged for all my piracy would be an issue, if that source of sharing ceases to be a viable fountain of wonderful substance to me then whatevs, i can deal, but when it comes to academics and connection with friends in far places, there are always alternatives.. however primitive they may become. BUT isn't that the evolution of our society? we find something good, run with it for as long as we can before we corrupt it, then find subversive ways to get around the systems we initially put into place which turn into systems of corrupted systems themselves? i want to say i could live without the internet. and i know i COULD. but would i be using the maximum potential of what i have to offer the world if i chose to deviate from the most efficient tool ever invented? either way.. the fact that i'm feeling passionate about something makes me feel alive. and grateful for what i do have and the knowledge of what i would die for.

i've also within this hour heard that our gov't is probably going to ban this kind of action towards us, the people. i've never said it before and truly meant it, but this time i love canada.

rant over.
shawwwwwfuckers.

where were YOU when this all went down? cuss.

2011-01-31T10:13:00.003-07:00

15. dream the dream. then wake up to a delicious nightmare.

it's a shame the anticipation is sometimes greater than the deliverance of an expectation. especially when it falls short... like a man with no knee caps trying to jump for a ball..

found a new favorite artist. slinkachu. be blown. away. away!

musically, this is what i am thinking.

band of the month- florence and the machine.
favorite new band discovered this month- we came as romans.
accidental super loving song of the month- DHT, listen to your heart.

oh flip, my heart.

16. all i wanted was a cup of water.

morning view

2011-01-29T08:26:00.002-07:00

i would totally laugh at my own dog jokes if i was a dog.

good morning world, RIGHT?!?!

erase erase erase

2011-01-26T23:53:00.001-07:00

erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase.

breath.

sigh.

keep it in. none of this passive aggressive bullshit.

14. party hat deviance

2011-01-26T03:37:00.002-07:00

we know our true colours. we know the vision we could have but choose to keep the blinders on. it'd line up just right if you'd let yourself see. getting tackled in an unnatural way, choosing the fight and the will to survive instead of the thin skinned and comfortable way to pick ourselves back up. i've met the ground, we are familiar. it knows how i move, how i slither up to a position to cut away the excess and learn again to stand on the legs that will lead me to freedom. we part and know it may not be long before we meet again, but the ground doesn't wait in anxious captivation. familiar is misleading, and comfortable is claustrophobic.

spy plane standing by

2011-01-21T22:26:00.002-07:00

edit post. yes please, for i did not write anything before prematurely entering the post into existence. and i had so much to say.

12. fuse ball bastard.

manic pixie dream girl. requiem for a dream soundtrack. all the things that make me and you and them epic.

13. mailbox barbarianism.

ices and spidermen with drums a thunder, rolling over the hills of inscented legend.

tap, tap tap, bang BOOM bang tap

shit yea.

rap music makes me feel awesome

2011-01-21T18:52:00.002-07:00

personal win of the day. not falling off a 14-12 roof. 12-12 is 45 degrees, so 14-12 is two measurements of a degree steeper.

word win of the day. fuckerish.

personal fail of the day. or yesterday... when i started the day by dropping my iphone in my cereal milk.

witnessed fail of the day. it's surely too soon to tell.. but i'd say it was dj getting iced and then giving me my cap whilst in the shower. and then he dumped ice cold water on me. touche sir. you're so damn literal.

a prayer i said i'd share. fuel up. light the match.

2011-01-21T01:58:00.002-07:00

the new year -> the new life. the new redemption. father hold me firm to this decision of obstruction. release the power you have in me out and into the world. i have no boundaries, and have you to thank for that. i walk a thin line of recklessness and you are forever my safety net. guiding me to lean one way or another. make me different. make me dangerous. share me to share you. the chains of your kingdom are the reigns in which you drive me. they are not a burden, and burn light into my skin. keep me on this path, prepare me a way and then prepare my heart to travel it. turn my flaws into weapons against our enemies.

a continuation. pipe dreams and manufacturing.

2011-01-19T08:57:00.002-07:00

after a night filled with realistically frustrating dreams, i feel the need to continue justifying myself. if that is what must happen day in and day out... i can understand what separates a good day from a bad day when the setting is entirely introverted.

(tattoo tangent... i just realized i've been taking my experiences for granted, and not fully grasping HOW important one instance of getting inked is.. i can't (i mean, i CAN but... forget that noise) go over an area i've already tattooed, so really when it's getting done this is the ONLY time it's going to be happening, so i need to help myself cherish and enjoy the endurance of the pain and the pleasure of the conversation since there is only one chance at this patch of skin. hopefully i can help people experience this when it comes time for me to be the artist)

and immediately following my intent to categorize my days of the week, i feel the need to disintegrate that notion and apply new manifestos that are applied throughout, in every situation. there are goals to be sure-

-one show'n sale painting a week. i must honestly and genuinely produce work that represents my perspective, through images based on poetic statements of justification. because... construction isn't gonna supplement a two month road trip, nor a year of apprenticeship in which i probably won't be getting paid. wednesday workmyassoffday? i think yes.

-continue exploration of random documentation. which means i need to find new methods to claim as 'documentation' as well as the situations that require it. write more. take more pictures. write way more. then write about writing more.

-intake. i can't get inspired if all i do is work, and understanding that now means i can take days to binge on things that force me to imagine and create and formulate. wes anderson or LOTR marathon whilst pouring over a brand new road atlas (to be purchased... when i can find one YAARRG)

but basically what i come down to (i was trying to write what 'it' comes down to- but then it seemed for fitting for me to come down to something) is attempting to be more human, and viewing everything i do as important. that way i give myself the responsibility of taking my actions seriously (but not myself... this ain't no identity conviction to change who i am) and THEREFORE respecting and valuing the things other people do as equal or more important than what i am doing. i don't have to change the world with my actions (i want to) but i want to make you feel like you actually are.

'awake oh sleeper'. i shant be timid.

cool beans i'm alive

2011-01-18T23:31:00.002-07:00

and because i'm alive, i must sort through my half-organized life and evaluate the trash from the treasure, and then sift through that trash and see what i can use to turn into treasure.

monday. go to class. enjoy th cahllenge sof a new an challenging teache-

don't drink neo-citron...

before. . wanting to

write...

works sog ood

that i wonzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

am i going to die today?

2011-01-17T13:34:00.002-07:00

i think some people can feel death on their shoulders. they know their time is nigh and they graciously or fearfully accept it. i don't think i can 'feel' death but it's been on my mind a lot lately. i want to trace it back to an acknowledgement of the fear of death by one of my friends recently, that it was something that paralyzed him, disrupted him and caused him massive amounts of anxiety. i didn't understand, but i'm quite blinded by hope. i do have paranoid fantasies of my loved ones dying and how i would respond, and how i would have to embrace the sympathies of other loved ones while we console each other and remember while we can about the deceased. i don't know why i do this, and it disturbs me to dwell on such things. is it preparation? i don't want to know.

i didn't know i was having a bleh day until i got a text message from marc, giving me some random text love. it blew me away how quickly my cloud retreated and i became more chipper. energetic. with all the good feelings it made me feel like he knew something i didn't. like... just in case i died, he wanted to let me know i meant something to him. 5 minutes later i got one from chantal saying she hoped i was doing well, just a random hi, and that she loved me. my joy increased and my desire to be productive finally surfaced (peaking at the point of this writing segment). she must know something as well. am i going to die today? i have no idea. what would a world without me look like? i'll have no idea. it could be a bus, a train, a barrage of a thousand dead birds falling from the sky, a missed step, a piece of pie. i don't and won't know and then it'll be over. in my head i'm far more comfortable with me dying than having someone else i know die. it's easier to manage, and i'll cry a lot less.

i'll leave numerous things undone. i won't have left a mark on the world that generations from now will remember. i AM anonymous in the general eye, and i can't help but think that is good enough. i can breath in existence and accept that for a time it's MY time and that is good enough. but is it? who is that to decide. recent situations have forced me to observe evaluations of what is of worth under the sun. the focused lens of our perception into the limited horizon. if i acknowledge it, is that enough? should ENOUGH ever be worth the credit? or can it just be and remain GOOD. 'live, not just survive' 'seize the day' and other cliche mantra's we can hold to our hearts and claim sanctuary in lose their value in the heat of tragedy. maybe breathing is purpose enough. that air has to go somewhere.

so IF i die today. wouldn't it be interesting? the pulse of the world will continue as if nothing changed yet my entire reality would be shattered into a whole new experience that we each get but once. since i can't run from inevitability or argue existentialism amidst my own inner exploration, there isn't a lot i can do.

this sounds hopeless when it's coming out of this. what i'm trying to say is i love you. and not getting to say that before i go would be a tragedy. as i am purposed for Him, my purpose is to know you and have you be with me at whatever capacity available. let's just say hello over and over.

You give me life

2011-01-13T00:57:00.003-07:00

if i gave it back and gained my freedom, why do these chains still infest like weeds growing suffocatingly close to my heart? You've given me so many answers yet i always crave more. if it's vague i gauge the accuracy based on how it affects my desired outcome. when it's clear i demand confirmation. challenges come to give me the growth i ask for, and i must be fine with the indefinite resolution. sit back and wait. get impatient and wander. force and pry and pull and forge.

let me be still
let me be content
let me discover

Jesus Christ.

i've called, am calling, and will always call Your name. show me the mysterious and wonderful things that i have not yet seen.

bring me back and fix that leak. nobody can hop in if i am sinking.