drugs or me

tiny fragments of brain splattered across a page of unrealistic virtues meant to represent an ideal formed years before by someone who thinks they know.

my fingers lick the keyboard buttons like dogs liking salt of toes (thats f***ing wrong!). i'm anxious, i'm angsty, i'm listening to calming music to mute the rebelious side of the brain that cries "RANT! make your opinion about abstract art KNOWN!"
"shutup you brain ASS!"
"that was a passionate answer to no question!"
"your irrational and stubborn!"
i shift in my seat and hope nobody pays attention to my shifty gaze and nervous twitching legs. its not a big deal. just a 700 word review due in a few days. i've had weeks to do it. but the nervousness of more important things still linger in my head. 451 words and 13 uses of the thesaurus.

shapes and colours and indifferences to systematic approaches taken by those who know they know. unique. original. repeated.

"my body is a caageee" nope. skip the song, i do not like you arcade fire. rise against? oh my yes you shall do. "my sister, my brotherr!" chyeah. feed my desire to not write. tens of minutes later and 460 words. my mind crashes once more even before the reboot and i get lost in 4 more minutes of song. go to sleep (little man being erased) WHAT IF I COULD BE ERASED?! i am not a little man so that thought should not be connected with coherency. christas party is not for awhile... new paragraph. search the definition of original.
"which painting would you have sex with?"
"brain. shutup."
Insect like and mechanical, they also carry the subtle illusions of a body, or natural fragments of an organic world, looking like a Petri dish full of unconscious bacteria and microorganisms. The little things that make up understandable living systems put together in a mess of filled contours that represent nothing. In terms of.....

alliteration and runon sentences of nonsense viced together in cognitive thought upon a subject of non interest and distaste.

anathalloooooooooooooooo my muse. no greater distraction back to happiness cometh before ye. rarily. the bouncy legs shift from right to left, in unison and contradition, and if i had a partner at this table they would know. the screen vibrates with my transfered energy from the floor from my feet from my legs from my chair from my bum. to renew, cause to grow, or bloom again; indeed. a sneeze of thought and 535 words nailed to the failure to be. (approximately 600-700) words. that means i could be done. lesser men would have done so at 500, but i am MOSTLY man and i have 35 more! time to conclude this sucka i think to myself. 599? oh snap yes.

the end is ulimately the beginning of another review of the self, conducted by a system that will fade away into nothing within years of completion. transition to transition.

note to self:

lets funk it up!

music to buy... when you have money:
underoath
trapt
whenever breaking benjamin comes out with a new cd
....
definitely a future chevelle album
taproot
a random cd cuz its been forever

people to love on:
everyone

thats all. have a good day you!

the bruce cambell effect

ooooo i should not have touched that. the intesity of the itchyness just got upped to irritable and above noticable. eeeeeeeeeeee.

as of late- i've been at school. and not working an ounce. well about 8 hounces (oh snap hours an ounces together? f***ing brilliant tyler...) each weekend day and spatters of hours throughout the week. i miss construction and its manly simpleness. starbucks is great to chill at and mock the upper echelons of our society, but then it gets busy again and i start to think: why? why am i helping the wheels of our caffiene driven society turn faster? i want to scream drink water not sugar! but then i endulge myself in the stomachly unsatisfying goods and no longer carry the right to aggressively observe. however the level of angst i feel, i usually oh yes 96% of the time feel awesome when i leave, so i cannot and shant not complain. if it were possible to focus almost all of my energy on school, i would! but alas life is not that compassionate. and if it were i'd grow stale... like a bad cookie nobody would ever want to eat... THIS cookie likes milk in him!

i've been a slacker when it comes to NZ. i've been praying... not enough, but thats about it. i need to actually SEND my full application an fee and such so i can secure my spot and fully step into absolute need for Godly intervention.. with funds and my heart... but for some reason i have a mental block over what i should do and i go on thinking harder about school. its terribly dissapointing to have something to do in the back of my mind that i KNOW will change my life for the better but being scared to commit to it. story of my life... i know that if i stay in calgary and finish out the year in school and with my AMAZING roomates (moving has been great to my soul... regardless how busy i am an never get to really hang out with them boys... still love it) i would have an amazing time and i think i'd potentially still grow... but potential isn't good enough. its gotta be absolute, and the only way to do that is to leave my comfortable life and go somewhere i've never been and expose myself for the shy person i am. and then kill that shy dude and take on a more approaching individual. at least with important things... can't afford to stay quiet anymore. to sum up- comfort = staleness with my faith. also i'd go broke, so pretty much i'm walking a financial plank into a pool that is currently empty and will rely on my trust in God to fill before i hit. quite the thing to constantly think about...

i love loving.

real and for real

sometimes we lock things up. i have issues with this. because when i come home, and i know there are people home, and the door is locked? it feels like the world doesn't trust me. i'm not trustworthy enough to enter this house, and someone has to come let me in because i don't have a key. sometimes they don't have a key either. so if they leave and it gets locked they get stuck out of it forever. or sometimes inside forever. either way i don't get to come inside. sometimes they lock up and expect to come back later, but then they lose the key and once more something is lost. sometimes i make stupid metaphors about secrets. even though nobody is hiding secrets from me, maybe i am to them! ! aho, what now destiny. maaaaaan that was bad.

art is crazy.

two h's or an h after a w equals whhiskey! the safe word, is whhiskey!

i looooooooooooooooove school. but i can't eat it because it'll make me fat. but its sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo goooooooooood. and the rest will follow... i see so much duality in everything these days. or maybe just sheep. when i think about sheep. often i'll see 'sheep' as followers, posers and lamewads who do what other people do to make themselves belong. or i see sheep as people who need to be led, people who are WILLING to be lead, and accept themselves as the sheep that eat grass and keep it looking sexy. as sexy as grass can or will look without gas guzzling machinery... SHEEP! maybe there isn't that much duality as i think, or maybe i just think about things so much more because i'm back in school, and everything must must must be considered when putting something into a painting. or drawing. or anything that needs justification to be understood by anyone who isn't just an ordinary sheep. turns out we are all sheep. some of us are just hungrier or woolier or blacker than the rest. its our individuality that seperates us from the other sheep down the hill. whoa dude if we are sheep we'd make one awesome cuddle pile. done. solid. thursdays at 9. cuddles.

nestle makes water.

i remember one of my favorite words. amorous.

oh hansel he's so hot right now

i am so tameable right now. i'm calm, happily conversed, and i could sleep at any second. its a brilliant stage of mind to be in with so many uncertain thoughts looming around in my head. clearly i have a bigger picture in mind, but there's so many little things along the way i'd like to stop and look at. just because i have the time... though it doesn't mean i should. just because i have the time doesn't mean its ok to lose focus of where the end is. i could get lost and end up somewhere i'm not this content. i could get stuck in a place where getting out would mean starting all over again. i know where i want to be. i know where i should be. i just can't seem to grasp that focus in clenched fists of discipline. i'm a wanderer by nature and a growing questioner by experience. i don't know what the end looks like. i jut know its going to be the beginning of another beautiful quest for another ending.