some of your time

today i had many a chance to think about things. first, i miss.

alexandra
marc
christa
nik
mom
dad
nick
john-mark
eric
david
kristin
lauren
marquel
steph
kristen
arby
jiwon
jake
jacob
joe
crystal
rins
annie
rasa
tyler
epeli
annarose
lucas
jessica
alicia
joanna
sylvia
rachel
tommy
scotty
robby
chad
chad
shapes
many more

BUT the main point of my day is what i have come to like. 1) my new favorite system of measurement. on a TOTO urinal, i discovered the amount of whater (yes, whater) it takes to flush. it was 1.0 GPF. (oh MY yes, gallons per flush) or 3.7 LPF. i nearly peed a second time in my joy. 2) hedgehogs are awesome animals. they are like hamsters except they hurt when you piss them off. then if you hold them for too long and choose to ignore the frantic pace of a normally civil and slow hedgehog, THEN fail to notice non-movement followed by warm goodness, you've just been peed on. i don't like this, but knowing this is power. PF of the week to be sure. oh and once i got up i realized lily-pad had pooped as well. a lot. hedgehogs hold a lot of whaste (yes, whaste) inside of them. 3) i get the jollies from halloween. this includes scaring people, but mostly dressing up and dancing. and mass sleepovers. 4) the formula for successful painting: 5 out of 7 days are bad days, where i paint for crap and don't enjoy. the other two days contain about 2 hours each where i am ON it and absolutely love what i paint, and i get done more than the other 5 days put together. sadly (yet joyously) drawing tattoos always gives me the joy and fulfillment i artistically seek. i feel confident in my choice of career. 5) due to my love of candles, they are often lit. i burned 2 down to nothing already, with the third being indulged in right now. .. for the last 7ish hours. including when i left the house for a solid 2 1/2 hours, followed by another 3-4 hours of not coming into my room. PHAPF. (potentially-huge-ass-personal-fail). 6) me'n my house mates romantically taking turns lifting each other off of the ground. it'll come in handy one day. 7) radiohead, house of cards, 2:24am. 8) 28 days later with loving housemates, first ever shot of tequila, beer, hedgehog piss, sheesha, hedgehog poop, suppressed farts, working internet, and failed scaring attempts. 9) journey. 10) no reason to sleep OR wake up. freedom, je taime.

things i don't like. 1) C+'s. i thought i was doing awesome. sure my teacher is old AS, but she's keen on writing down my failures so she remembers. and sniffs out my bs like she's been doing it for years. 2) forgetting about moderation, and getting super dizzy. i took a chance with an apple, but it was a blessing instead of a bomb. fruit wins. 3) the rage virus. 4) H1N1. 5) waiting... for many things. but right now halloween party. 5) not enough people understanding the love of Christ. what must i do to convey how awesome it is. 6) the number 6.

that is all. since i write a lot... but. i like to write. i get frustration out, i take claim of praises that need to be declared, and i get to type. which is as satisfying as packing a good snowball, blowing a perfect smoke ring, throwing a perfect spiral, diving to catch a disc, the perfect latte foam, an inbox in facebook or comment on blog, lighting a fuse, a good high five, a new pigment liner, or even bathroom related forms of satisfaction. for. the. best.

note to self:

start collecting fuzzy fabric. the colour of rust. OR the colour of gremlins... collect gremlin looking eyes and adopt gremlin sounding squeaks and work on being as cute as possible. stop eating after midnight. probably don't drink water for that will steal attention away from your gremlin-ness. sunlight is still ok except you'll get really really hot with no exit during a heat panic. probably only come out after dark. be thick and onesie-ish in existence.

DRWG 301

here is a project that is due in a few hours. hooray critique! (cept you don't get the pics that i have graffitied all over... just the untampered originals. the idea makers. (i took a walk from school to city hall an took some pics along the way to create a narrative. cuz it's a narrative drawing class.)) (also... the pics are too big so the last 6th of the pictures are missing on the right. compositional murder.)



it's always scarier from the top, knowing what lies so far beneath..


knowing we'd risk breaking in the process. but sometimes we're more beautiful when we're broken..


we can advertise to cover up the scars and try to hide these feelings..


everybody knows everybody is holding rotten fruit..


take what's been done to you and turn it into a story..


see what you've been in order to avoid what you'll become..


focusing on what's near instead of what you can't reach in time..


just because the world smiles at you doesn't mean it's any less sinister..


become the sheep in wolves clothing to make sure it stays genuine..


the time is only a matter of acknowledgement anyways..


be as free as the day you fell from heaven..


ignoring the restrictions set in place by those who think they know how you'll react..


your new focus can be our new goal..


they can't take away what we won't leave behind..


we can let them know what we think of them. what you think of me. what i think of us..


a vicious circle unplugged and set loose, out of the control of the plugged in..


hopefully finding the courage to see what's on the other side..


if we find it white we'll leave it stained..


we'll be heroes for ourselves and disguised as no one..


the mistakes we make will be told as lessons to the young..


things work out in time..


the true nature of the world will be shown by those who notice it..


our journey is only as secure as the pillars holding it up..


shed what is good enough for what is excellent..


leave a trail for those free enough to follow..


then begin again with a new adventure..


the key to our happiness will be the willingness to not know about what's next..


we can still find out when it happens. and if it sucks we'll leave it for someone who will love it..


we'll leave it because we haven't been told we can't fly..


there'll be no place we won't be willing to go..


our mottoes and manifestos can take it..


we've always been told to set the captives free..


lead the lost to the place of peace..


the new beginning and the new dwelling..


the differences we all hold on the inside are what makes us unique on the outside..


nobody needs to be fixed when everyone else is broken..


the crap we'll take just to stand out..


we'll get out of line and into the real place..


the view is better from down here anyways..


with all that's left of the garbage thrown from the top we'll make a new way..


the reflection of the past will be the mirror we choose to ignore..


our new fortress of humility and modesty..


the mistakes we make will be canopies for the broken to come in under..


we'll never take a perspective that looks down..


the stand outs. the set apart..


the ones who have been given the eyes to truly see..


the ones who have found the reason to begin the journey in the first place..

a sip of beer brain

the vast majority of us don't actually know we can't fly because the vast majority of us are too afraid to try. those lucky, brave, wonderfully foolish broken few... i'm gonna work on getting the same thrill and adrenaline boost out of walking or maybe skipping. extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeme

light the candles and throw up your gangster signs

an let andy samberg throw you on the grouuuuuuuuuuuuund.

i just had coffee with my wunnerful older sister kelsey, whom i haven't met with since thursday night (via chance encounter at the sbux) but BEFORE that it'd been a solid babie time + 2 months. we had some catching up to do. especially she went to mosaic for two months this summer in LA and had a life changing experience as well. met erwin RAPHAEL mcmanus, served with mosaic church, did a whole bunch of other things as well.. she was changed, i was changed by my trip, and it's hard to have a connection with this world when nobody has experienced what you have experienced. and then had to come home to reality out side of the whateverbubbleyouarein, hopefully expecting things to be the same as when you left + improvement. sadly we cannot all stand on top of the mountain top forever, and on the way down sometimes we slip. i've been slipping quite a bit lately, but this talk was church and although i smell of coffee bean, i am quite refreshed and impassioned about what i am doing and why. it was my soul fire getting some fuel squirted onto it. dying is no fun... but sometimes it must happen in order for us to grow even more. the next mountain is usually bigger than the one we just came down from, and going up isn't easy, but if we desire the top then we've gotta go through and understand the journey upwards. all cheesy but relevant metaphor aside, it's what i needed. more patience, less chasing (girls). more focus, less shit (painting). more prayer and meditation, less ignorance noise and self indulgence.

i painted mother teresa today. i started it last thursday, and i've hated it since. so i painted over it last night, and stenciled and spray painted today. and i'm happy. i'm not a good closer when it comes to painting so now i'm nervous about touching it. but it's gotta be done. (this curry chicken with pinapple is FANTASTIC mike an kristie.. (they had extra supper and gave me some. freaking love them.))

hey. don't get the swine. my friend dan got it the other day, which sucks cuz i made fun of him in the morning for being sick and was all 'probably swine flu y'know chuckle chuckle ' but then later his FB status was 'quarantined'... heyo not funny. especially with all this conspiracy stuff running amok... which is totally believable to me... i don't wanna be one of the paranoids who won't seek help if he gets sick to the point of swine, but i also don't want to be one of the ones who runs to the gov't asking for a cure either. that's scarier than dying. i know who my physician is... i've never had a flu shot an i'm gonna try my hardest (hopefully never against marshal law) to keep those injections away from me.

everything comes down to faith trust and obedience. i can't wait until people are keen for church because it's the one good thing left in the world. (see/witness: actual proper God fearing Jesus dwelling loving dispersing Spirit living kingdom bringing children of the Father, sharpening iron on iron and healing the sick and driving out the demons of the other kingdom, being all we were intended to be)

light it stoke it share it!!!

sinnifer

WF - at the train station i saw a droplet from the roof fall down onto a mans head. the thing is the droplet came from a sparrows rear. he seemed curious at the sudden wetness of his head, so looking up i saw curiousity turn into anger and shame. poor guy. the whole 'i hope nobody saw that' look was all over his face as i watched him.

PW - calling out jef on the law we've instated, in which while getting dressed if your boxers get put on before your shirt, the rest of the day you must be commando. (the same rule applies if you put your swim shorts on before the goggles.)

PF - in a mock heat panic to avoid being tickled by sean, i faked tearing my sweatpants off of myself but instead of faking it i fisted some fabric (near the pocket region) and shot them near thigh level. the unfortunate part was that the waistband of these sweatpants cling to boxers so in the process down came the boxers as well. sean wasn't looking. neither was mike. but i'm fairly sure brianne was. we casually walked into the living room and i asked 'wow, did you just see all of me?' to which she said 'nah, i mean i thought i did, but then i thought it was just weird that you are wearing flesh-coloured boxers'... but my boxers were grey. this is how brianne saw me first instead of sean an mike who i've lived with for five months.

WF/PF - pulling out of sait turning left on to 16th, me'n another car were eye-ing each other down because i thought he wanted to go straight, he thought i wanted to go straight, and so both of us turned on our turn signals and drove away with minor embarrassment.

PW - a triple dose of calling foul on jef for his boxer-before-shirt misbehavior. that is 3 workout days in a row. i almost felt bad as i saw him putting his boxers on before his shirt. but i had to call a foul. also, i paid 3.38 for lunch. two pizza rolls, one child of a bagel/crossiant, and a doughnut. later there was a fruit smoothy. it was green, healthy, delicious and just the right amount.

WF - jef. thrice.

PW - playing 'finish-your-beer-magnet-darts' on friday night, i never had to finish my beer.

PF - my entire life up until this point (see below)

extra PW - i watched the wizard of oz for the very first time in my life... it was awesome. how come a movie made in '39 kicked so much more butt than 90% of the movies in our time?! friggen hollywood. also i watched the good charlie an the chocolate factory. gene wilder FOR THE WIN.

one hundred un eighty

failblog has become tainted and boring. to maintain humility, i must post the fails and wins of this past week. it'll be a fail sandwhich. something i witenessed worthy of write, followed by a self-confirming win, finishing with something i dropped the ball on or stepped in, keeping pride minimal and shame... no shame.

witnessed fail - me and one other individual (a seemingly shy individual of the opposite gender) were walking up to sait this fine early morning, when she stumbled over a 1cm piece of metal sticking out from the fence. i giggled uproarously on the inside but on the outside i smiled beneath my scarf because she kinda just hung her head in george michael fashion. awwwww cute fail.

personal win - 3 hours of sleep last night, but an amazingly energetic day with lots of work done. my goal last night was to come home from metro-mercy and work on my essay right away (1250 words and nothing done, due the next night) but i got sucked into watching true blood with sean, and 2 1/2 hours later i finally started at 12:15ish... then i finished in an hour and a half. pat on the back pal. eat that C+ UP!

personal fail - this morning during me'n jef's post-workout swim, the cutest lifeguard was on (not like i notice these things) and as we walked by from the hottub to float in the shallow pool i accidentally made eye contact with her, causing her to give an immediately friendly but gentle 'hi'. in an uncontrolled volume i probably shouted back 'hey!' (you know.. because of the shock) and promptly turned around and jumped into the water.

WF - yesterday during the ravens/vikings game, in the last 2 seconds with minnesota winning 33-31, the kicker of the ravens missed the field goal. 6-0 never felt so good before... thanks baltimore. (and tennesse losing 59-0). bahahahhahaaa

PW - finishing 2 3/4 paintings in one sitting, in the process finding an idea i can use and use and use (even WITHIN studio practice) and finally justify portraits. all thanks to jef and Jesus. it was quite the boost in moral. that means i need 2 1/4 done by wednesday. game on!

PF - every shot i missed in floor hockey (about 13) and falling from first to seventh in fantasy hockey. the horrors of week 2.

WF - people not crossing the street even though there were no cars coming, and the hand was only flashing, leaving them looking like they had to contemplate being sheep or squares. God loves them.

PW - finding out that sean owns a magic bullet, that has literally been in the cupboard the entire time i have lived there. smoothies... get in me. ALSO finding out sean probably isn't moving to BC for another year, which means another WHOLE year in 59. awesome news. party times for the WIN!

PF - the magic bullet thing (it took a year to open the cupboard above the microwave? lesson learned)... i definitely drooled at some point. and i definitely farted on the train and lied about it. straight to your face jef. straight to your face. and you knew it. and i knew you knew it. no tricking your nose... no sir.

SOLUTION! (maybe i just want 2009 to end)

nothin to friggen anticipate tyler?! balls i say!

february 2: leave calgary around 2-5pm, depending on when school ends. it could very well be morning. drive 19 hours south to las vegas.

february 3: arrive las vegas around 3pm, locate john-mark, talk life, bro out DTS style, possibly spend the night or keep going. it's vegas. 'lots' to do probably just keep going. 5 hours later arrive in san diego

february 4: arrive san diego, find scott and start fulfilling best man duties for wedding. catch up with the mcdonald family and attempt to break chris'n girlfriend up. for kicks, or for serious, depending on the level of suspected happiness. consider ruining wedding. but then remember in a thing called love and notdoingrudethingslikeruiningweddings.

february 5: do stuff. it's california. decide whether scott needs/deserves a bachelor party. realize love is real, chris is happy, and wrecking relationships is juvenile and selfish. sean + co will party CA style. i'll sneak out an join.

february 6: hopefully a wedding. (hopefully is fully independent of my feelings towards it.) cake. new family. goodbyes. potentially/hopefully/probably leave san diego and head to LA.

february 7: chill in LA, hopefully with jake if DTS is over, potentially surf or just have some good catch up time. travel 5 hours north to nipomo, CA if alicia is home and do the same. continue on up another 7 hours to redding, CA and see if ithy is also back from DTS. this day will be amazing for me and hopefully some good times for sean an whoever else is with me. hopefully end up in medford, OR and hopefully stay the night with my lovely brother nik.

february 8: depart medford before the sun comes up (so... not stay the night. keep going. always keep going.) stop for breakfast in portland with steve hopefully, meet von for the first time hopefully, then head on up to van for a few hours to see marc, christa, chantal, arby, nick (if he's back from DTS), britt an colin, and probably a mass crew from anyone sean knows. in foresight, somebody should just have a party, so we can all party together, enjoy each other in a party situation, then enjoy a good crash, like the one that comes after a good party.

february 9: depart vancouver super freaking early and arrive in calgary 10 gloriously beautiful hours later. exhausted and satisfied and CONTENT and in love with each other.

all this hopefully spending less than $400. funded by fall show'n sale. and the hopes that scout (my car) survives until/during then. this has been 'get jacked for the future' in tyler's mind. set fists for 'anticipate'

i feel

a whole friggen lot right now. this will come off whiny. but shiiiiiiat. there is a hole in my chest that will NOT go away. i would say ever since, but that isn't the case. at first i was all calm and collected and CONTENT (key word) bein home. but lately... more and more... the more days pass the worse it gets.. this giant, bubbling, unsettling feeling of anxiety and DIScontent... am i seeking comfort but not finding it? me'n God are ok (could be better.. could always be better... though i'm not growing so i must be dying), i ADORE my housemates, my schoolmates, my bestmates, and my painting... but the hole refuses to be filled. i try to fill it with sports, with church (though metro-mercy isn't full blast yet, so it's not yet time to rule this out) but even more so the hole isn't filled. it's not worry or nervousness, but this intense feeling that i am missing something deep within me. maybe YWAM was such a good experience i'll never have another moment in my life that will give me the level of satisfaction that DTS gave. (though i can't say this is true because near the end i YEARNED for home and for housemates schoolmates and bestmates...) maybe i feel like i'm just always waiting for the next thing instead of living the big thing in i'm right now, but MAYBE i'm waiting for nothing. maybe i'm just missing too many people right now it hurts (hey, new feeling! mass-missings = f***ing sadness) or maybe life is kicking me in the shins right now and i'm throwing a verbal mental tantrum like a little bitch. i don't often feel this way, just when i'm alone. which is (crap!) often! (dammit!). there are so many things it could be and so many other things i want it to be but what it is bappens to be what it is.. an it's not bad, HECK no it's not bad. its phenomenal. but inexplicably empty and vacant on the inside. i think it's a perfect combination of missing people, having nothing huge to wait upon or anticipate, and fearing the fears i fear when i'm lacking in trust and patience. the only thing i can do about it is sleep, wake up and have a different attitude. OR i could change it right now, pound out a painting, enjoy some late night music and make the friggen most of life. if anyone finds my heart out of my chest wandering around, tell it to come home. i need it back for now.

i don't need another reason, i just want one

the conclusion.

we'll be more than fine. the contradicting conclusion to the question the world asks. our stains and scabs and scars won't leave anything but a work of art on the field of our bodies. perfection, no. but realized potential, yes. the only closure i need is your smile. we'll never understand love, so we'll just live in it.

curl up into a little ball and disappear

... i wrote something about this severalaweek occurrence. erhmm.

..the only reason to separate the things that belong together is to allow them the time to prepare, so that when they meet at last they can appreciate what has happened until THIS point in time, and celebrate their communal beauty by knowing their union makes the world a better place..

oh my GOSH that relates to so much more than soup ...

(giggles inwardly at himself)

also - i did that thing this morning... that thing where someone steps on a skateboard with one foot and almost dies... just like the cartoons! except it was dark and nobody was laughing.

rusty railings

bashful banter...
purposeful directives...
exploring understanding and new perspectives...
drape a blanket around you and another...
justified originality...

-the first vision that comes to your head when you think 'volkswagen' is definitely what should be thought. this kind of freedom will stretch as far as you will reach.

-strolling naked. just like the day it started.

shouting humility full of vulnerability...
think and wonder, ask and play...
written heart...
anti-reflection and selfless indifference...
see shake smile...

-surreal existence based on successful hopes. the door with no lock.

all the balls, eventually.

sapphire shit

empirical jargon...
useless manifestos...
clinging to ignorance and temporary ideals...
hang the polyester silk noose around your neck...
endless imitation...

-the first image that comes to your head when you picture 'machine' is probably the most accurate. this kind of security will stick around as long as you desire instead of dream.

-walking caskets. at least you're dressed for death.

whispered lies following propaganda truths...
lust and linger, indulge and parasite...
rationalized definitions...
vanity trials and self aware cognition...
swell spray spread...

-constant envy laced with hopes of achievement. the lure with a key.

8 ball, 4 banks, side pocket...

can we go back and remember the times... so i can paint.

it's the thing we call intuition, the fruitful endeavor, and the reason to go on. we can remember everything we've ever said about it and you and us. nothing matters depending on the ground we lay on, and our freedom is only limited by how far we can take each other. if you asked me to kill for you i wouldn't do it. and that's the answer you were looking for. if you asked me to die for you i wouldn't hesitate. and that's the answer you'd give me as well. it's the answer we've both been given before. our celebration is in our union, and the reception lasts forever now and until we die. we are living in eternity already because together we know the end isn't what it seems, if the end as we know it even exists. what we have is limited by physical mortality, but what we will have doesn't ever have to cease. the worry doesn't transpire in the normal ways, only that we won't make the most of the now and the gift of today. let's just run through sprinklers together and forget about everything else. we won't be known or remembered and that's the reason we'll last. the miracle is that we acknowledged the design instead of the chance. we are the mist that appears for a little while then vanishes, welcomed warmly into the bodies of those who run through us.

no YOU'RE a clepto-anestethiologist!

the world. tellin me what to do. eff that noise. (where is that FROM i've been saying it so much lately but why? sound waves are not effable.) this is what happens when the printers at acad make me what too long to print off rough drafts of pictures i need to wordsnot all over. the best pictures are the ones laced with spontinaity. cleary my patience is in need of an upgrade. mildly intolerant is not a good status to maintain. cooly indifferent is what i should be aiming for. (and what's worse! you put NALA in danger! (do NOT eff lion king quotes stuck pleasantly in my head.) i found a writing that made me extremely happy. on a desk was written : I <3 tyler!! (that's right, TWO exclamation marks) self esteem UP regardless of which tyler the author was speaking about, i'm claiming it in the name of joyful discovery. (slow rising applause within myself)

(raises imaginary glass half FULL of smiles)

a point of reference

this one time i was accidentally involved in a beautiful moment. i was walking through the parking lot, intentionally loving my music, when a lully softness in the song gave way for another guys louder music, which happened to be a harmonica, and they meshed and blended and conjoined as ONE for 3 brief seconds and then disipated... later i determined that it was the most original thing that would happen to me that day, because no combination of noise could ever match that perfectly and magically again while i'm listening. everybody gets one.