those secret longings

i had the most giant craving for wearing flip flops... to rummage my toes through a soft field of grass before huckin the disc with fellow passionists.. the smell of the spring i never saw and the summer i haven't been a part of in 16 months.

and all this came too soon. my premature desire for impossibility, when what lies with me now is still too young to be known. seasons indeed.. it's one or the other. grow or die.



to float or sink? nahh... we can still float if we die in the right position..

kaboom

i'll find the way to light the fuse and watch it burn. i'm out of matches but i know where this leads, and i'm not waiting around to ask for help. let's set this up in secret and watch everyone be amazed by the blaze that burns through all our secrets.

finish painting boss jamie's girlfriend's '70s pin up girl.

who knows what girls like. or are like. not i. when is a signal a strong signal or just an chance accidental happening that throws everything involving logic and reason off the fulcrum of identifiable relationship status? a knowing smile with a head shake, is that good? does that mean go for it? or does that mean 'whelp, there was your chance, which is now your flaw'. irrelevant. the ghostly pale image i have of you in my head is quickly fading, because i don't know the cause to why i wonder about you. new. unnamed. yet named. new still. do i wreck that image with the usual pursuit? shall i let you linger awhile before vanishing like the mist we are? it seems worth the chance when there is only gain to benefit the risk of dignity. though in reality it is no risk at all... just a question or curious gesture that desires a response, steps toward closure or a beginning. what would the rest say? what have the rest mentioned... nuts on the road or chilly willy... this is a game best suited for the fate-ist. roll the dice. flip the coin. either way action is required.



i guessed wrong

wrap *********'s and *******'s ****'s.

i'm slipping into that mood where i easily justify success. even if it is the smallest of accomplishments, i feel great about it and feel entitled enough for an extended period of slacking off. which turns to boredom, which gives me a longing for people, which isn't satisfied until the next day (since tomorrow always holds hope for my needy extrovertedness!). so with a new drive and determination, i wake up, boldly ready to tackle lists and challenges, and so quickly i accomplished a SWOOSH of me striking something off the list, and the cycle continues. i am a battering ram with no sense of the enemy inside brewing flamable liquids to poor on my back from the ramparts, who also is aware of the movie-like scenario he's been placed in and has no problem naively thinking the gates always break down just in time.

roll me to the sides lads. you deserve some warm drink.



this is my cousin, intentionally insensitive battering ram.

document .2 paintings.1.

the lens seems to never be true. it either lies, or accentuates.



woops, i lied. but i'll just blink.

begin painting boss jamie's girlfriend's '70s pin up girl.

pantsuits.

i got asked a question yesterday about the way i dress. the question was why i didn't subscribe to the hipster trend of my school. since the majority would be ok with being classified that way... my answer was i didn't want to have to worry about my reflection. i have the means to put on such a front, but then it makes me feel like I'M a front. i try to not let clothing have any stake in my identity, but really this is the defining factor when someone observes me and never gets to know me. what image AM i presenting? i know i don't care so does it look like i don't care? i'm not concerned with me perceiving them perceiving me anymore.. that demon was crushed. but it's left me in the no mans land of actually not caring what i wear. if the situation demands it, i'll dress to that occasion. i have no issues or misleading thoughts about interpretation if i'm being a little child about it. but in the everyday life... where expectation doesn't come into the equation.. what am i presenting? what am i saying? i don't mean to be saying anything.. and is that saying something in itself? i think i've turned myself into a product of the observer. i know what i'm saying when i cover up labels. that's fine and justified. but everything else is a mysterious blur of ignorance, apparently. when i get clothing, i wear it. the means of such usually don't involve me purchasing them unless at a concert or money has been gifted to me for that distinct purpose, but... my vote is comfort. short answer?

fuck pantsuits.

begin designing website.

i have 7 ticket stubs to prove to myself i was there, and another one on my dresser at home. there are a few more in the mail for a future tyler to decide what to do with... when the time comes an answer will be found. well how now this CERTAINLY is a wonderful shade of off white. it's easy on my eyes. i'm going to put the answer on this digital canvas.

history.
and holiday, says mos def.

surely this adventure will seem underwhelming when the accomplishment comes because i demand it to do so. brother francis, you novel adventurer... you'll be the biggest prize of all.

finish jeff.2.

how can we be sure if this place is real? this feels more like an attitude than a setting or situation. we won't be told what to do, and we won't learn if you don't tell us to. run away to get close, then vanish when the moment of intimacy comes. you always were a ghost, and we were just a dream.

finish rachelle.2.

the guilt i feel for the things i should have done outweigh the pride i have for the things i did. do we call that conviction or an empty sense of accomplishment? how can i right it when right isn't the answer or solution... it's always waiting, it's always this shattered longing.. the light at the end of the tunnel turning out to be a flashlight instead of a doorway.

finish sean.2.

mock me once, then tell me twice it's true,
you put the fire in my eyes while trying to put it out.
i'm a coward, and you seem to know it,
but you won't be in my way when inevitably i snap and shout.

with Your help we'll burn this to the ground.

the demise of lunch

this is now my place of recluse... my escape from the inevitable break down that happens mid-end-of-semester-crunch-week. i look forward to AND loathe the circumstances i have / am landing in. i feel as a pre-reward for myself, i need to list and catalogue the amount of things i have to do in order to feel productive enough to justify maintaining that course of action. as i count down and strike off and widdle away at the items on my list, i'll be once again enjoying the freedom that comes with school unhindered by a work schedule. BEGIN.

- *finish sean.2.
- *finish rachelle.2.
- *finish jeff.2.
- place/leave .2 paintings in strategic and contextually accurate places around the city.
- *document .2 paintings.
- *begin designing website.
- *begin painting boss jamie's girlfriend's '70s pin up girl.
- have jef make the buttons on website work.
- fill website with all sorts and arrays of content.
- finish painting boss jamie's girlfriend's '70s pin up girl.
- start painting *****'s face for ***.
- *wrap *********'s and *******'s ****'s.
- finish ****'s and *********'s tattoo.
- start and finish *****'s tattoo.
- start painting ****'s face for ****.
- finish painting *****'s face for ***.
- *daydream (and night dream) about most adored year end list.
- start painting ****'s face for ****.
- finish painting ****'s face for ****.
- finish painting ****'s face for ****.
- *begin pondering what to get or make for family gifts.
- party with lydia and her farewell.
- party with art gallery opening.
- party with pajamas.
- party with metro family.
- deliver boss jamie's girlfriend's '70s pin up girl.
- dominate conversation in final jury critique ever.
- party with anyone available on my last night.
- give gifts and be merry.
- leave for detroit and take someone with me.

step 1- neglect sleep.
step 2- be a man.
step 4- continue not giving a crap and enjoy floundering in the disruption of my own rules.
step 3- friends first, always and continued.
step 5- remember to memorize next ephesians verses.

already with it

i've decided... that in order to validate my 'practice' as a situationist, i need to be doing 'more'. to produce the fruit of creativity, i delegated to myself the task of creating daily rituals to give myself a constant stream of projects to work on. a few things i have written in my artist journal are:

-setting up a daily ritual. daily.
-count the times i say 'whaaaaaaat' in a day.
-continue a train of thought into a short story.
-quotes. everywhere. fill this book.
-jef is a fuck. in scrabble.
-the heart game.
-read guy debord.
-document any 'morder'.

a few of these have been started, and have no definitive end date/goal. they just are, and having them exist in my own little world of artistic living is enough to validate it as 'work' and therefore will get me a 'grade' i can use to go out into the world and ignore my degree with. i seem to feel the most productive when i create a list, and do 10% of it and allow myself a 3-4 week break from it. once those weeks are up, i've already created/established another set of rules i can do once and then disregard. i want to call it research and process, but a lot of me can't handle accepting this as productivity. HOWEVER amongst all this, my grad piece has been decided, and i've never been more excited about a project before in my life. i can justify and validate this sucker for all i am worth... i just have to convince myself and my instructors that it took all this nonsense to come up with it. which i shall! because if art school has taught me anything, it is how to justify aka bullshit. all this to gratify my need to produce, which in these processes i take breaks to actually make art, which i find way harder to justify AS art since they mean a lot less, but still satisfy my need to make stuff pretty and get attention for it.

i've identified some key strengths of mine which i count as artistic mediums.

- gathering and connecting people
- partying
- words
- my opinion
- my clothes
- wanderlust.

who needs paint. well, eventually, WE will since i require you and you and you for my grad piece.

(whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat count:
11/28/10 - 5
11/29/10 - 1
11/30/10 - 3)

biggest disappointment of the day: no eggs when 45% of my grilled cheese was complete. the epitome of settling.

biggest unexpected surprise of the day: hermione side boob.

biggest realization of the day: i hate relationships. i love being single. why would i go out of my way to change that.

biggest nono of the day: scab picking tattoo. it's so ACCESSIBLE on my arm. danger. i hadn't felt guilty until that last one.

biggest weekly activity anticipation of the day: devil wears prada tickets.

biggest joy boost of the day: a 'hug it out' hug from jay.




for marc.

but then when the words hurt instead of heal, how do i respond to that?

then crawl under a rug and let Christ do what you can't.

the mysteries and complexities... the joys and sorrows. one of my best friends had a baby the other day. he is the first of my immediate core to create something better than he ever has before. i'm proud, intrigued, jealous, curious, awestruck, and hilariously happy. i feel like i've never had a more justified reason to go visit a friend before. and of course, i can't. no, no, that is BS. i fully can, i just fully SHOULDN'T. when i know better is also when i know best... and that is conflicting and restricting but self preserving and respecting. all i can do is send up my thanks and make fun of scottie for conceiving (in all probability) on his wedding night.

i started work at 9:00 am at -23 degrees today. i loved it. i felt like a man, a canadian, truly worthy to be weathering the weather (huh.) and not crying like an ape without a banana. we didn't work long, and 9 hours later my toes are still cold. i've been told normally we don't work when it is this cold, but because we are building a show home and deadlines must be met, we are working hard out at 3/4 speed. everything truly is slower in the winter. i wonder if scout will start tomorrow...

there are only so many things i can let roll off of my back. i'm finding things that sting and suck and challenge me in ways i haven't dealt with before. and there is very little i can do about it. and i'm ok within myself that dealing with it is hard.

that sam-i-am!
that sam-i-am!
i do not like that sam-i-am!

do you like green eggs and ham?

i do not like them sam-i-am.
i do not like green eggs and ham.

would you like them here or there?

i would not like them here or there.
i would not like them anywhere.
i do not like green eggs and ham.
i do not like them, sam-i-am.

would you like them in a house?
would you like them with a mouse?

i do not like them in a house.
i do not like them with a mouse.
i do not like them here or there.
i do not like them anywhere.
i do not like green eggs and ham.
i do not like them, sam-i-am.

would you eat them in a box?
would you eat them with a fox?

not in a box.
not with a fox.
not in a house.
not with a mouse.
i would not eat them here or there.
i would not eat them anywhere.
i would not eat green eggs and ham.
i would not like them, sam-i-am.

would you? could you? in a car?
eat them! eat them! here they are.

i would not, could not, in a car.

you may like them. you will see.
you may like them in a tree!

i would not, could not in a tree.
not in a car! you let me be.
i do not like them in a box.
i do not like them with a fox.
i do not like them in a house.
i do not like them with a mouse.
i do not like them here or there.
i do not like them anywhere.
i do not like green eggs and ham.
i do not like them, sam-i-am.

a train! a train! a train! a train!
could you, would you, on a train?

not on a train! not in a tree!
not in a car! sam! let me be!
i would not, could not, in a box.
i could not, would not, with a fox.
i will not eat them with a mouse.
i will not eat them in a house.
i will not eat them here or there.
i will not eat them anywhere.
i do not like green eggs and ham.
i do not like them, sam-i-am.

say! in the dark?
here in the dark!
would you, could you, in the dark?

i would not, could not, in the dark.

would you, could you, in the rain?

i would not, could not, in the rain.
not in the dark, not on a train.
not in a car. not in a tree.
i do not like them, sam, you see.
not in a house. not in a box.
not with a mouse. not with a fox.
i will not eat them here or there.
i do not like them anywhere!

you do not like green eggs and ham?

i do not like them, sam-i-am.

could you, would you, with a goat?

i would not, could not, with a goat!

would you, could you, on a boat?

i could not, would not, on a boat.
i will not, will not, with a goat.
i will not eat them in the rain.
i will not eat them on a train.
not in the dark!
not in a tree!
not in a car!
you let me be!
i do not like them in a box.
i do not like them with a fox.
i will not eat them in a house.
i do not like them with a mouse.
i do not like them here or there.
i do not like them ANYWHERE!
i do not like green eggs and ham!
i do not like them, sam-i-am.

you do not like them.
so you say.
try them! try them!
and you may.
try them and you may, i say.

sam!
if you will let me be,
i will try them.
you will see.
say! i like green eggs and ham!
i do! i like them sam-i-am!
and i would eat them in a boat.
and i would eat them with a goat..
and i will eat them in the rain.
and in the dark. and on a train.
and in a car. and in a tree.
they are so good, so good, you see!
so i will eat them in a box.
and i will eat them with a fox.
and i will eat them in a house.
and i will eat them with a mouse.
and i will eat them here or there.
say! i will eat them ANYWHERE!
i do so like green eggs and ham!
thank you!
thank you,
sam-i-am!

.

see what i did there? bam. take that, problems.


. .this is life. .


libby thora mcdonald. way to be mr. and mrs. mcdonald.

what happens then when the fiery reflection reveals something you didn't want to see?

you cool off the flames with words... you ice queen.

again and again i recommit myself to doing well in academia. and YET again and again i flounder forth and struggle to maintain the focus necessary to flourish. have i lost my passion? pieces of it, yes. but the other passionate remnants thrive on trying to find their lost counterparts, which i think is far more interesting than something working perfectly anyways. and DOCUMENTING it. now THAT is art, justified and worth an inner acknowledgement (and stare of resentment) to the dealers of grades. trading value for self worth since 1991.

within my feeble efforts to attain something, many projects have sprouted themselves up from the writhing mess of ideas and yelled 'i am BETTER FOR THEE!', a bidding to which i cannot ignore. i am a situationist, dealing with identity and disruption using art and random documentation. THIS is my focus, THIS is my motto mantra and manifest to follow and uphold.

- once the spring comes, i'll be taking my shoes off whenever i encounter grass. like a true canadian to carpet.
- be aware of situations involving high intensity anger and confrontation that quoting green eggs and ham will ALWAYS be the best solution.
- i've decided to memorize ephesians. i need to do something new that will actually make me enticed by the word. this is new. this is good. this is life, therefore art. as per the advice of a respected leader in my life, i need to find someone who will do this with me. i have had zero success so far. the battle continues.
- i have a habit of wearing clothes out very easily. to combat this, every time i wear through a shoe or a shirt or HEAVEN FORBID a tie, i'll be nailing it to a plaque-ish wood plank and covering it in gel medium, preserving it forever as a personal artifact. then i will proceed to write a letter to the article of clothing to let it know how thankful and appreciative i was of it, and for all the good times and memories i'll have associated with it.
- write on more stuff. everything. specifically the sidewalk. poems. with spray paint. this feels right to me.
- continue portraits. i love them, and they make me feel successful. i love who is in them and how they are reacted to when seen.


. .that is art. .


the best most legitimate critical face ever. well done rachelle. the world is gonna be all like 'DAAAAAAMN get off my case'.

what do you do when you haven't met yourself in awhile?

look in the mirror, and light it on fire. with your mind...

also, i've recently come across a butt ton of new music. first was the road trip with the musically tasteful jay, who showed me many new metal bands and toured me through the intricate differences through all of the metal families, where who came from, what who is about, and how awesome who is on stage. it was very glorious. today while finding album art for all my blank bands on itunes, i came across a blog that has proven REVOLUTIONARY so far.. out of the ... bands.. from a list... that was 4 1/2 hours ago. flip. here's the link

k no i lied. it's gone. but the good news is i have album art for 99% of my itunes. through this process, i discovered 5 bands (+5 from what jay showed me /concerts), and 5 new albums, some of which have led to even MORE band discoveries, which now will set me up for yet another year of sifting through, deciding what i love and what i like and what i want to share. crazy. i was gonna clean my room but i haven't had the CHANCE yet. hooray for being overwhelmed with goodness.

dredg.
in flames.
animals as leaders.
circa survive.
manchester orchestra.
P.O.S.
miss may i.
asking alexandria.
mos def.

and i've been reunited with and introduced to bands LIKE

norma jean.
a day to remember.
radiohead (mystery in rainbow tracks i've never heard).
thrice.
story of the year.
demon hunter.
broken bells.
of mice and men.
punk goes pop VOLUME 3 DAAAAAAAAAMN.

. .that is music. .


i've never wanted a tattoo based off of a album cover before. but this stirred something fierce inside of me.

i have so much to say

i could write it all out and pretty like.

but.. why...?

hey you know what was super emo?

that last effing post. cripes. you shoulda seen the one before it i DIDN'T post. 'disappointed' is what inevitable future tyler will probably say. i've created this tension for myself... where i feel like i NEED to be doing something productive or destructive, yet i'm trapped in the laziness of reclining against a pillow in my perfect bed. i can't break this tension with anything and the only median to the situation is dreaming. so when eventually, again with inevitably, and hopefully in the morning when i get up i can use my preemptive plotting to emptive my way into doing it when i am able to will myself to do so. on all fields. new plan. tomorrow is the day of production. the day of chaotic disruption for the sake of my own peace, clarity and revolution. claiming it now so future tyler can change his disappointment into bold nods of approval and acclamation. i plan to be elated by friday.



this is a good example of me walking on artistic eggshells.

can you suppress something that is compressed? or depressed? oh damn too deep...

wake this shit up

i'm not tired but i'll sleep anyways. why is there joy in awakening and merely escape when sleep comes...

i used the same plate for tacos, waffles, and pie.

industrious, thy name is mine. but most likely just lazy... who has the TIME.

i just took a nice random long walk near/around the river with my friend rachelle, and my hands are cold. as a 600 - 1000 word essay is due in 16 hours, i need to warm up my hands enough to type quicker and more accurately than this current speed. not like i NEED the 16 hours to get it done, it'll take 20 minutes i'm sure, but i need a ratio of 3:1, slacking - productivity, if i'm gonna get it done without disgruntled words. teachers frown upon angsty unjustified writing of passion rather than informed academic response.. BUT IT'S JUST HOW VERTIGO MADE ME FEEL!

no... no i lie.. but to balance out 'required' writing with nonsense it one of my greatest joys.



BENCH!

need a break. i already started getting overly judgy towards other peoples perception of this movie.

apparently i am someone who favors the side of a co-ed existence. i don't find girls with other girls to be a good time, nor do i find an overwhelming presence of testosterone at all fun either. guys with guys get loud and proud and unjustified, while girls with girls (often, as a generalization through observation) slide slowly towards a less intellectual, hen-ish attitude. both are loud, dumb, and annoying. while i can cope better with the obvious male side of it, i know surely that a solid mixture is what makes me socially happy. here is what works for me:

one on one - one boy, one girl. this does not denote a specific intention towards a suspected expectation, but rather a good quality time getting to know the subtler sides of either more genuine individual. there are obvious dangers, but who doesn't like playing with fire. honestly.

the trifecta - three boy, one girl. while yes, there is an unequal amount, the girl in the group balances out the testosterone levels of the boys, as now they don't necessarily have to behave, but they aren't trying to one up each other in an attempt to puff out their own insecurities through a masculine agenda. she may feel security as well as a sisterly/motherly protection over her (though no ownership intended or acknowledged) boys, thus less influenced into being catty or that secret keeping kind of girly where you can hear them talking but never get to participate because really, you don't exist. the opposite of this scenario is good on paper, but so quickly turns into the boy longing for a male companion and any excuse to escape the bombardment of neglect or lack of interesting man-brain muscle moving. because lets face it, if there is a boy and three girls, there is no way he's dating any of them, and if he is, he's whipped. waPSHHHH (the extra 'h's are the sound of his dignity echoing off the walls of the pants he left hanging on her doorhandle).

three + on both sides - is a party. there is no need for social constraints or nurturing attitudes. primal functions kick in, and all is socially beneficial.

anything in between has delicate variables that cannot be properly projected into a formula for a good interaction.

WOW see what happened?! i turned that movie watching angst into an aggressive analysis on gender. a very generalized one... that isn't real life. just some life.



i knew we were all angels. i just knew it.

it turns out as i daily pour tattoo related influences into my brain, my skin begins to ache for another inky injection. since i have a job, it is easily financially justified and the only thing holding it back is the stages in between knowing what i want and booking an appointment. namely, journeying to the destination and talking to someone. either way... it's gotta happen.

shit i love homework.

seriously. gravity IS metaphor.

it's time for me to get pumped about movie watching again.

october-

the social network. what. david fincher did some cool stuff and jesse eisenberg is awesome. like i'm not gonna see a movie rotten tomatoes gives 97%.

jackass 3-D. i despise 3-D. so i'll go out of my way to see it in 2-D. but if the exponential gain in awesomeness that happened in between 1 and 2 happens for 2 and 3, this one is gonna be ridiculously amazing.

monsters. it could be an exact replica of every other sci-fi horror film that's been or is being made, but the trailer looks intense. and dystopian adventures always intrigue me.


november-

due date. zack galifinakis slays me. ever since 'out cold'. i didn't care for the hangover but i'm stoked for robert downey jr and the slayer to be together.

127 hours. at first i thought this was gonna be awful, but seeing a new trailer and having high optimistic expectations for my favorite director, there's no way i won't go see this. i'll go alone if i must.


december-

black swan. though i probably won't actually see it because i like smiling and feeling joy.

tron legacy. i don't even care if i haven't seen the first one. i will. and then i will see this one. trailer makers are the most influential artists around...


also:





i can use this for an art piece somehow... comment on my gender or generation.. or stage in life... either way. yeah!

look mom! i'm researching! i'm researching!

a lot about the situationist international. turns out they are my ideal 'political' group who avoided classification and warred against consumerism and capitalism. graffiti in the '50s with statements like 'work is the blackmail of survival'? rip out my heart and shove in social idealism along with Jesus why don't you! i don't need to be a part of an organized anything to desire intentional community and genuine interaction and relationship, but it sure helps knowing i'm not alone in the pursuit. i don't need to paint anymore do i...

thongs just aren't attractive to me.

so you can see some bum. so what. spankies are the way to go. i feel a hitchcock-like attitude towards attraction is more fun anyways.

school continues to be a vacation from work, so i have not been treating it as such... which is a mistake because 4th year SHOULD (in theory) be pretty demanding. instead i spend most of my time pondering ideas and 'researching' items of interest or drawing tattoos... and while all fully practical and useful methods of being productive, at the end of the day i need to feel like i've done something. i hate it but i need material progression to feel like i've achieved something, regardless of what it does for society or me. sometimes a step in the right direction isn't enough.

my new teacher asked us to write quickly what we were doing with our practice. since she shattered my perceptions of what was work two weeks ago, this is all i could produce.

-i’m trying to find joy and relevance within my work. i’m floundering in an aesthetic world of anarchy and trying to maintain an attitude of intention and purpose; while being sucked in by the gravity of a justified apathy. any attempt to be self aware makes me feel more selfish in my pursuits yet at the same time that same acknowledgement reeks of a plea for attention. what happens when i cut the chords connecting perspective and motivation? i’ll admit to being lost knowing i have no plans on being found. the classification of a paradox would be TOO fitting and attainable. i’ve gotta live in disruption..-

it fits mighty well into other aspects of life as well.. but the point is art IS life and life is meant to be shared and pondered on. really i no longer have separation between academics and life, as i choose to disregard academia as a necessary component to ENRICH my life, therefore living is doing and breathing is merely continuing.

all that remains is milk...

and when you are used to juices and beers and flavors beyond compare, milk will only do the trick in the right context. like MOST things in life. any cliche metaphor you want to throw in you may. can't fit a square into a circle. unless you break the circle. shit like that. and i mean SHIT.

i've been searching for years for a valid justification for me to paint on walls. make art on the canvas of cityscape. no in your face statement, no tag or name or ownership attached to it, just a little observation to make people think about beauty and what belongs where. i'm sure it's been done before and the idea isn't new by any means, but it's exciting to me and has given me the massive urge to get on my ninja gear and go 'destroy' property. liberation has never sounded so just... (i think what set me over the edge was seeing a temporary wood paneled fence up around a construction site, one day clean, the next day averagely (yet wondrously) tagged, and then the next day the lovely natural wood panels all painted grey to cover up the graffiti. i cannot comprehend why a temporary fence would have money put into it to cover up something that will be gone in a few weeks anyways. somebody in power needs less power and more cultural perspective. ... at least the shiny new bridge got hit super quick in a mighty dangerous place to cover up. well done daredevils of shoddy tagging.. i approve.)

today has been one of those gems of a day where you don't realize how good it's actually been because of all the dirt on it. there was no satisfaction to anything i did. and it pissed me off. but because of that angst it set ideas in motion that will kick-start my thought process into achieving relevancy within my practice and life. if it has happened to be about intention, i need to dissociate myself from that and step into something i've not done before. people and teacher pleasing must cease. i need to care less, limit less, paint-draw-read-interact more, and continue growing. the great funk of early to mid-september has ended and it's time to kill the residue. october truly is my favorite month and i'm gonna make it justified.

and this whole time i'm hoping that the square is actually a cylinder and it's just been turned the wrong way. milk will always have a home in cereal. reckless passion will always have a home in my heart and thoughts and hopefully actions.

yeah i painted that once.

mildly (pfft if that) critical essay on why halloween is amazing.

justification? spock. ninjas. an unnamed jedi of your choosing. whatever. sure it can be said that halloween has had a dark history, ritualistic and 'demonic' in some descriptions... i believe that yeah, you can take the points in history that highlight the darkness of halloween and not have any fun at all with it, OR you can choose to dismiss the less spiritually affirming attributes of this holiday and focus on the ending of the summer season and embracing the most intentional form of escapism and disguise yourself as something random and awesome!

sometimes a break from your own identity can give you a wonderful joyous perspective on how awesome you actually are on the inside and outside by stepping away from it and involving yourself in an image you only are allowed to indulge in once a year. any other day you'd be called crazy, but on halloween you can be whatever you want, free of judgement (unless you are of the less creative person and choose a career and make it slutty. that's not a costume, that's a projection of your inner slut!).

i think if you DID want to take it to the spiritual level, Jesus tell us to be IN the world, but not OF the world. if you try to subvert the nasty associations of what halloween can be and turn it into something completely different, i feel you are being a 'little Jesus', taking something the world sees a certain way and creating an opportunity to change some perspectives. be the sheep in wolves clothing (or an insomniac monk, zombie tennis player, the word plentiful, beaver) and choose to represent something bigger than tradition and ritual, make something new of something old. surely it isn't about what people think, it's about what people DO with what they think. halloween is an attitude. a celebration of creativity. and time to longboard ridiculously, dance into the streets, and be what you happen to end up being..


2009

2008

2007

rising... riiiisinnngg... RIIISSSSIIIIINNNNGGGG

i have never been so homesick in my life. oh my goodness.



watch it if you have half of an hour. seriously the coolest most hopeful video i've watched in a very long time.

http://www.palladiumboots.com/exploration/detroit

he was sure the world was ending

when all that is meant to be has gone all wrong, i'll want to know so please allow me to be the first to hear this song. the bass beats echo off your head and into mine and i'll take it but i'd rather sit here and pay close attention to ignoring the time. the lyrics mean nothing because it's all been said before, everyone in their final hours trying to count up and tally their own score. fuck your passive i want your aggressive, i won't handle the idle and inability to initiate a real way to live. what we leave unfinished will roll away like credits, to an audience that was never paying attention until we threw one of our erratic disenchanted fits.

we can't repeat all of those dramas we took as self entitled fights..
i meant to flush the toilet but all i did was turn out the lights.

hefeuckingweizen.

my mind is ablaze. so much anger and passionate recoil in the last 24 hours i can't stand it. yet amongst it all poured out blessings of subtle love letters from my Jesus reminding me which things really matter.

music littered with profanity so i don't have to say it but allowing me to feel and release it, upset snatch and grab understanding thrown upon deaf ears, failure to retaliate with newly instated rules of silence, battered emotions thrown upon battered canvases ready to be painted white.

i still know that i know, and i know when i'm close to You.

trash ending.

it is done. not 'officially' like the societal standard of calendar observing goes, but OFFICIALLY as education continues, summer's boundless freedom and suppressed academia comes to a close. i can't say it was the greatest summer of my life, but it by far was not the worst. i learned quite a lot. sometimes too much. but in the end (of this season, i cannot condone a period at the end of the sentence that is my stage of life) what i have done and seen and experienced will definitely exist as a stage for many memories and stories for future tyler to twiddle his mind-thumbs around. here are a few things i have learned:

less is more; whether it be words, sleep, hours spent consecutively driving, safeway glazed donut croissants, or arm wrestling challenges, it's the little things that make me tick and appreciate the bigger things. just like God uses the foolish things to confound the proud and the strong... double chyess.

family guy can still make me laugh.

i really like clouds. to paint, to appreciate, to shield me from the heat-panic inducing sun. (i'm white for a reason... tans have been added to my 'overrated' list. whereas tan-lines have been added to my 'under-appreciated' list...) along with this is the confirmation that there is NO way to accurately predict the weather in calgary.. even if you see it brewing all day. out of all the forecasts given to me via radio this summer, only one was correct enough to be predictable.

female supervision is recommended with any hair cutting activity. tyler + alone with thinning shears = an interesting perspective on the 'no paying for haircuts' life-law.

i have never been in better shape in my life. full time construction job, 2-3 nights of frisbee a week, and random moments of losing the 'mine' game has set me up for heightened expectations for this continuing year. the downside is i now have the knees of a 57 year old man. if anyone needs a cement grinding soundtrack, i am your man.

i love calgary. i really do. i love other places as well, but they exist better for me as escapist meadows of responsibility-less bliss. i could choose to forsake my calgary future in favor of areas that have heightened cultural opportunities, but if i leave who will invite those opportunities into this city? this is the attitude i must bring on. for however long it takes or until i know i'm supposed to go somewhere else.



things i am sad to see leave vs. things i am excited for coming back

- summer dresses >< winter wear. on girls. cold frosty red noses cannot be beaten though.
- planned roadtrips >< canoodling off into the distance at random.
- the appreciation for shade >< the appreciation for blankets.
- frisbee >< hockey.
- rain >< snow.
- the fear of entering my car because of it's heat >< the fear of leaving my house because of it's heat.
- feeling busy as shit with nothing to show for it >< feeling busy as balls but having everything to show for it.
- the night walk >< the blanket swindle.

and with 3 new favorite bands entering the scene this summer, i salute

mumford and sons
the rescues
as cities burn...

for making me dance when i'm alone, sing when i'm driving, and brag about when i'm socializing.

.... seeing SP twice isn't enough yet...

i could be doing stuff but instead i'm remembering stuff.

"i'm not a righteous man
for all my clever words
for you so loved the world".

I

must strip self of " " and ntroduce self to a l fe of pure surrender, the gu de of heart set to a pos t on of response nstead of nst gat on. abandon; wreckless w thout expectation. nvolved outs de and only reflecting the ns de. whoever am s whoever 'll be.

more discipline in maintaining the attitude of freedom.

i ate six cheese buns today. what did YOU eat six of.

and thoughts like these have been running rampant in my head for weeks- NAY! years. since mother f***ing lovely facebook came onto the scene and started the social networking obsession that so easily consumes my mind. then it got worse when they introduced the STATUS! in which i try to uphold a decent level of creativity mixed with current thoughts activities and desires straight from my selfish shouting fingers. i often hold on to thoughts for hours, cradling them in my brain arms gently so that i don't drop them and lose them or break them or bend them into thoughts not as crisp and hilarious as when they originally generated. i need to get some of them out of my system. throughout this day. and night.

it's you and me tonight tomato soup. and loud music. and painting.

just had a burp that was... dare i say.. delicious? sometimes magic happens with the right combination of foods and liquids. this will never/can't ever happen again.

months later, finds his eraser. in it's right place. but where did his mechanical pencil go? this is not justice.

wanted: one bed with cup holders.

i know the bitch for this sitch

ms pascal, i've been odd, and i know that i've been odd, and i want you.

oh yeah.... that's why i haven't tried making an omelet in 2+ years...

OMELET REDEMPTION! i am amazing.


and so on and so on...

a combustible house of cards COLLAPSING

affirming and allocating all associated agendas after all... alternatively adjusting amorous attractions? argumentative accusations allowing ASTOUNDING answers.

zealously... ZAPDOS!

and everything in between.

if there was ever a choice

maybe.

your stereo is in my bed

i had some wonderful moments of gratifying my musical guilty pleasure the other day. i rapped and sang along with fred durst for a glorious 4 minutes, and awarded myself a smile of satisfaction as i busted out those lyrics like i wrote them. i realize some songs i don't ever pay attention to the words, and i often wonder if someone actually listened to the mumbles and open mouth 'hmmmm's that come out of my mouth when i 'sing along' with the beats and drums. i like to think songs i DO know sound extra special to the private air in my car or bedroom.

this made me think of things i think are underrated.

like sleeping in just a sheet. screw blankets. they can be OVERrated.

like vegas. it actually has no real appeal beyond bright lights and false hopes of winning money. however it caters to the side of me that loves walking around, another activity that is underrated.

like painting what i want when i want. because academic influence is overrated.

like the miami heat. remember the 'dream team' of USA olympic basketball in 2000? of course not. they sucked balls. literally. popsicles would be more appropriate, because they are underrated!

like an appreciation for the postal service. shit, they are the world's idealistic and romantic enablers. sure, and email would do, but that could be viewed as overrated.

like clubbing on baby seals. you want a real rush? play call of duty 2 and mow people down in an airport, and feel just as guilty. jet force gemini was totally underrated.

like elementary level - jr.high related nostalgia. pogs. ocarina of time. drinking a coca cola a day through two bendy straws merged together like a perfectly fitting penis to vagina. 'experience' enhancing games of truth or dare. not like spin the bottle. overrated.

like talk of sex amongst all dudes like it's some mythical activity achieved only through great conquering pedestal quests that end in nothing but a curiosity about if aids can swim up a stream of urine. if girls were actually present, the walk would not represent the talk. shy respectable gentlemen are underrated.

like romance in general. i don't wanna talk about the mushy stuff that convey a certain expectation that come with the roses and chocolates and predictability, but the unique and personal and super schematically intentional pursuit of the prospect while throwing the whims of rejection to the fucking woods. nothing overrated about confidence and vulnerability.

the life like wars, pursuingly

I. the knowing onlooker and flaunting to the flounder. delicate and ply-able but backed behind a cage of misunderstood temperance, curious again and righteous in the heart. holy holy is the King, worthy worthy is the sting.

II. extended budget, misguided authoring. filling in the blanks with whatever fits instead of whatever works. merciless intrigue plastered into the minds of the seeking and prophetic, knowing the destination but hating the journey, knowing what comes next.

III. a turn to unexpected predictability, taught hard once again by expectation and curiosity's gratification.

IV. a new hope. the true hope. can we have a return to passionate reasoning? hold firm the prophesy i claimed and asked for. lingering answers amidst forming questions. we're on a mission now.

V. the final blow, refreshing adoration for the closing moments before the battle ends in another defeat, but at the same moment the morning star arises. embracing the cold and the dark and the death.

VI. can we say it to be so? the quietest victory in the universe celebrated in the grandest scale within the heart and soul. no entitlement to the flounder, what was deserved put upon a shelf to be given as a gift to the reasons in the cracks on the path.

LIST ME TO INSPIRE ME!!!

oh ok easy creative side of brain, take a chill pill.

bests:

category one. new things.

a) tv shows. entourage. i just watched all available dvd seasons in a two week span. it was going slow... then i decided to binge and knocked out seasons 3 (part 2) and onwards through 6 in 5 days. yay media self control!

b) music(s). b.i) bands. the rescues. super chill, super jazzy and extra special.
b.ii) songs. 'pirate blues' by as cities burn. i have desires for folky music from bands that occasionally scream a lot, and this song is perfect in that way and every way. it's like a flower blossoming in my ears.
b.iii) albums. 'diamond eyes' by deftones. i'm always super excited for what they put out and this album overcame my fear of the disappointment i've grown accustomed to from the music a LOT of my favorite bands have been putting out. hooray for stability and a fully unique recognizable sound.

c) movies.get him to the greek far exceeded my expectations by unexpectedly leaping on me when i was sleepy and vulnerable. i've not been brought to the point of laughter related vomiting in ... ever.. and so having a solo session of streaming tears and breathing problems made for an exquisite watch. 2 times. both with amazing people to watch with.

d) food. spicy hummus and cheese buns from safeway with glazed croissants for dessert, with the cheap cheap price of $8.62 or something for TWO days worth of lunches... taste and efficiency wins. i had the hummus with something else and it was too spicy to handle. with the cheese buns it both mellows out AND enhances BOTH (double that crap) flavor parties. then wrap it up with the closest thing to a krispy kreme donut and i'm ready to work for another 4 hours. practical, delicious, and enabling.

e) books. darwins bastards has been the only thing new in my literature life in awhile that i've actually finished, so a soft knowing nod to a wunnerful collection.


category two. favorite things thus far. in twenty ten.

a) tv shows. the back half of community, all but more specifically the paint ball episode. you rule. all of you. and you.

b) music(s). b.i) bands. i have to say attack attack because although they came out with a cruddy new album with cruddy new members and cruddy new values, their first album still has the overwhelming ability to change my mood from ANYthing into supper happy and energetic, even if it is only for 3 minutes during a song.
b.ii) songs. 'secrets' by onerepublic. a song very familiar to the top rated playlist in my ipod with five stars, yet another addicting influential AND inspirational song by the boys with easily the best album of the year so far.
b.iii) albums. 'waking up' by said awesome people. it started as an itch of curiosity, then blazed through my mind at 3 am on the san diego road trip, therefore securing it's place in my life as an amazing memory. months later, it doesn't waver in it's ability to satisfy a longing for good music.

c) movies. i'm gonna go with kick ass because i anticipated it for so long, and it wasn't what i expected in a good way, and because i only see movies more than once in theaters that i really enjoyed.

d) food. sushi. previous to this year i observed it to be disgusting, but now have found out that nothing gives me the satisfaction of fulfilling a craving like sushi does. it has literally owned me then turned around and served me several times this year.

e) books. the road... nobody makes me cry my own tears! nobody!!


worsts:

people. with an overuse of making out pictures, cuddling pictures, or anything glorifying their own relationship and making the rest of us sick of them by internet proximity alone. as well as the general attitude some people have with always having to be with someone, ruining their chances to solidify their own identity and remaining with hiding their insecurities behind their current significant other.

music. country. nothing ever changes... you slow twangy whiny nothingness. and the acceptance of justin beiber as an icon. why oh WHY is he so damn catchy... i'm gonna shout out to his addictive genre in general. stop infecting my mind with your curiously enticing beats and over polished voices. i hate you because i can't not like you. spontaneous dancing never lies.

movie. the original predator. i'm still excited for the new one, but only because i'm a fan of adrian brody and i'm waiting for the moment when topher grace redeems himself. other'n that, i'm sorry arnold, that movie was boring and aliens shouldn't laugh maniacally whilst blowing themselves up. you've got nothin on alien.


anticipations:

music. onerepublic concert at the coke stage. the one and only reason i'm gonna go to the stampede, but a one and only friggen amazing reason.

movies. on this newfound budget of mine, i'm going to allow one movie per month (in theory..) for july i'm gonna get super jacked for inception. i've already mailed christopher nolan the keys to my attention, finances, and heart. budget ending august will allow me to see scott pilgrim vs. the world in all of it's certain edgar wright glory.

things. i turn 24 this month. that's both scary as balls yet exciting as a good usage of the word 'intrigue'. one year away from the golden birthday, but the year i'm allowed to start using my age as a legitimate excuse, keycard to mature themes, and a scapegoat. i'm always excited at the ever looming potential to move again, as the future is always super uncertain.

trips. while many have claimed this to be 'one of the best summers ever' at the beginning of this blessed time, the initial hype of taking this season for love and freedom has wained a bit shy of the mark, halfway through that is. without a comparative spirit there is always room for improvement, but with one it's really hard to measure up to the last two summers of extensive road trips and overseas excursions. with THAT being said, it IS only july and i've gone to vancouver twice, kelowna once, edmonton twice, and all in preparation for a wondrously thought out adventure to detroit and new york. it IS gonna be the best summer ever, because even a trip to the grocery store with any of my friends makes my day.

white.

sunday morning drives are the absolute best... nobody on the road... wonderful cold sunshine... dropping adorable newlyweds off at the airport so they can go have dirty sweaty just came off the beach sticky mexican sex... knowing there is no agenda to fulfill but fall back asleep whenever and wherever i desire... sundays are the best. sure we could dispute whether or not observing the sabbath on the day the papacy decided upon would be indeed submitting to the mark of the beast, OR we could say sabbath is whatever day you take with the right intention towards rest, and sleep some more. dang yes.

hugs are good too. not just quick little non-intimate pats on the back, but full on body pressing like you haven't seen each other in two years even though it's only been two days. nothing more affirming than a good hug. unless it's someone telling me how well they know me. being known must be my love language... because anytime someone says 'you would' or 'i know you' all i feel is love. hot DOG...

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAABBATH!!!

i left the drawer open

along with the bread. the knife i put into the milky soapy dishwater sitting at the bottom of the sink. all things flow into the sink. not all things go down the drain.

a heart (or my heart) is like the drain... if that's what it's indeed called. the piece of metal separating the things able to flow through from the things big enough to get trapped. it holds on and it squeezes into the holes, as if a perfect fit. it feels right as it cozies up to the drain under the subtle pressure of gravity and the current of the water. sometimes chunks of wonderful noodles or foreign plastics get stuck, and sometimes they can never leave unless they are gingerly plucked out. sometimes things shrink and get too small to hold on. these are the things and times and happenings that are needed to make the drain feel clean and usable again.

but life and hearts are not drains, and don't exist in the metaphors i place them under. understanding and knowing can't always go hand in hand.

i miss writing
i miss drawing
i miss painting
i miss discipline

the twisted pages

the bent pages. not the kind to let you know where you are at within the book, but the parts and phrases you request yourself to read again at a later time. a lesson learned. a message given.

i pulled up to the stop sign and imagined myself not stopping. slipping quietly into traffic in both directions. the first car hits the front corner of my car, crunching the bummer and headlights deep into the crinkled hood like a passionate hug during a lengthy yet temporary goodbye. the momentary stillness in the violence of the impact allows me to take in the beauty of the sudden decay that has passed upon my vehicle and likely me. the following car and the two other cars that end up involved with the oncoming carcass of metal and plastic exist solely in the unconscious memory of my imagined body. a ghosted story projected from unblinking eyes in the wake of mediocre disaster.

the slip past, the metaphor, the continuation and the support. now quiet ever present education with no teacher. one day we'll burn the pages.

memory whilst cereal test

now this is a story all about how, my life got flip turned upside down and i'd like to take a minute just sit right there i'll tell you how i became a prince of a town called bel aire.... iiiiiin west philadelphia born and raised, on the playground is where i spent most of my days, chillen out maxin relaxin all cool all shootin some b-ball outside of my school when a couple of guys, who were up to no good! startedmakintroubleinmyneighborhood. i got in one small fight and my mom got scared; said 'you're moving with auntie and uncle to bel-air'. i whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said 'fresh' and it had a dice in the mirror! if anything i thought that this cab was rare but i thought 'nah forget it, you holmes to bel aire!' i, drove, up to a house around 7 or 8 and i yelled to the cabbie 'yo holmes, smell you later!' looked at my kingdom i was finally there! to sit on my thrown, now the prince of bel-air...

title list

it could be one of the many nicest things anyone has ever done for another and it scares the shit out of me. frightens me silly. rends me unusable for the greater good. i could sweep you off of your feet but i can't use my legs to lift because being afraid has sullied them. i took a chance, i'll take another. you took a stand, and you'll probably take another. if we don't look at time in a cyclical fashion we're already together, because eventually that no will turn to a maybe. and then that maybe to a kinda-sorta. and then finally the day where you won't have to say yes but i'll know it anyways and we'll begin again with the next stage, even though i'll probably be already there. nice'n slow, easy turbo, downshift... but you revved harder, i got more afraid and lost more control and slipped loudly into oblivion.

('scraped infinity'.... shudders with joy and echoing envy)

no charm in the mix and no foul in the call, fuel in the tank and the genuine approaches and responses ready to pull out and surge forward.

defiantly define

hither to and wonder where, captured and contained within this hidden snare, vanquished the curse that stripped me bare, courageous now and no more careful fare, the maze and the path just over there, hwtbsts stare, look at me now look at me care, it's not about the end it's just about the air.

cmon! cmon! we've got the time!

let's live like we know it's a prequel, and we're excited to dictate the details of how our future selves will tie it all together. we'll tiptoe around the moles and light fires under the feet of the stand stills to get them moving again. no one static, no one wavering in any direction other than the immediate panic we provide for them, and no one to notice us unless we want them to. the finicky breakfasts and afternoon meanders we'll treat ourselves too underneath the high rise tables and chairs... run for hours in every direction, eating the bread crumbs and rolling up the strings.

you'll paint me and i'll try to paint you, with everything and nothing we can find, our surroundings the canvas and our adventures the inspiration. there's nothing we have committed to and even if we have we'll save it for when a rainy day when we are old and sick of wanting to be tired. let's crawl let's jump let's climb let's invade. something is wrong with this place so we can fix it. we'll begin the days with lullabies and garnish them with chaotic expectations. build an arc and send it out empty.

that inflection won't land the fish you are after.

i want so badly to get my tattoo. not because of all that it stands for, or the implications behind it's placement, but because i need that constant reminder of why i am going after the things i am going after. i know having it won't change me, but it can motivate me towards that change. i was looking forward to summer as a time i could break my cycles, start fresh and get tons of stuff done. but i haven't done that... i've created new cycles that are seem higher priority than my previous ones, and because of that i haven't drawn in over a month, and i haven't been writing anything (for you to see or for me to ponder over). it's not the end of the world and it's by no means a make or break moment for my artistic career, i just hate how lazy i've become towards my practices. although it's the last thing i want to do when i come home from work, i need to be drawing all the time. through that release of artistic expression is where more inspiration flows from, and when none of it happens it's like a clot. i feel like the tattoo artist that allows me to fall into this focus will be like the surgeon who takes it out.

look at THIS guy. whining and aching about himself not being able to spend the intimate moments alone that he has with himself FOR himself. all the time he needs is hiding right under his nose, he just doesn't realize he actually has it. it'll be the little things that separate him from the path he's on. or wants to be on. those little inanimate desires that he gives heartbeats to by even acknowledging them as something-s that need to be fulfilled. he's taking the spare and not going for the strike, because that'd be risky and scary and everything that isn't stable. if he wanted it done so bad he'd get it done.

beach boys, you simply trounce me

this viewing copy is provided for awards consideration only and is not for sale or public presentation.

i won't be sunscreen on a cloudy day.

i've lost my mind meander.

i've lost my mind meander. if i say it again it'll become permanent. the tragic upbringing of ignorance within my sedated consciousness cannot allow for more exposure to the truth. it's been filled it's been won it's been permitted for long enough. the nurture and the curious filing down the defenses it cast up against the rot and the binge.

healed with a splint of splendor, arresting affection, acrobatics and overly intentional alliteration.

hey, here's an idea

take two weeks off. gas up, leave.


calgary-detroit. 30 hours, 29 minutes. 1878.71 miles.

detroit-montreal. 10 hours, 32 minutes. 560.32 miles.

montreal-new york. 10 hours, 15 minutes. 615.31 miles.

new york-detroit. 10 hours, 13 minutes. 614.58 miles.

detroit-calgary. 30 hours, 36 minutes. 1886.05 miles.



ohhhhhhhh snap.

i wish i hadn't

lets get angry. lost and forgotten, broken and fully exposed. i want to get in but i can't get past the gates. there are things called fate and fair and unfair, and all the reasons in between that prevent anything from being beautiful. there's nothing more i can do and it's driving me insane. fucking up the plan and moving to the sidewalks instead of the roads, blaming you and taking me where i need to dwell. we live in reality, and the spiritual realm is a jungle, and what happens to everything right now is what counts for bringing in the rest. i can but i won't describe, i should but i can't run away, i WILL but it's not up to me anyways.

heart panic, heat attack

what do i do? let it go. shit why'd i let it go?! i just rhymed go with go and it started with do but oh no i shouldn't have ever let you know. this recessed obligation festering determination wandering with no salvation, anything ending with a shun, making me feel smart and wordy maaaaaaaaaaan i just wanna be flirty at least try to get a little bit dirty (but not in the bad way just in the way that is earthy) dun dun dun dun dun... dun dun dun dun dun... (12 3 45... 12 3 45) this land is shared my body is snared just let me do what i want FLIP i'm bout to be scared. i'm not a baby but i'm teething, i'm still not hungry but i'm eating cripes why'd i have to go and let go, ebb and flow, tell and show but ahhhhhhhhhhg i just wanna know. please please don't let it snow.

i fully enjoy when the redwings lose.

crest toothpaste asks 'how can i resist that smile?' to which i say,

well for one, smiles are friggen sexy and a good smile is like finding a brick of gold in your shoe. you weren't expecting it, but you'll take it and spend it on something nice. it's probably the best investment anyone has ever chosen.

i realized one of the saddest moments of my life was when i couldn't remember my aunt's name. she died about 8 years ago. i never want to have to stress about a similar situation like that again.

the girls on 'lost' look amazing when they are on the island. when they come back into society, they are 100 000 times less attractive. why does true beauty have to be covered with layers of powder and fish scales. it's a shame. someone messed up.

i always feel like i'm wasting time when i'm just sitting and watching movies or tv. but i'm taking in information. how come i don't feel like i'm wasting time when i'm reading? this has confused me for days.

low expectations are my new favorite attitude. in movies. forget an overly critical mindset. that's stupid. aim low. smile high. in movies. everything else must be made aware of.

i need a two headed alien costume, so i may avenge my brothers who so carelessly got distracted by the bud light guy. what a magnificent douche.

reader discretion is advised. personal fail of the day: getting distracted by the padding sound of my bare feet and then getting scared by seany who was supposedly upstairs.... but wasn't...

OH MY GOSH NEW COMMUNITY EPISODE I MUST PARTAKE!

... take that crest. you make good teeth. better.

that's not me, michael

i wish i had an accent. but to remedy that all i need to do is travel. the fine thing with feeling at home anywhere is that it puts off the pressure to induce my dwelling familiarities upon the foreign residency in which i choose to sleep in.

once upon a time i wanted a beard. now upon a time i still do. but i've come to the conclusion that it is more of an attitude. i can pretend all i want and still come off with the same level of confidence a bearded man has. touch my face. i double dog dare you.

fiddling with an unfamiliar sink is quite humbling and i wish all the funny hard to work ones were in public so the world was more... vulnerable...

love actually is a damn good movie.

the day i found out i liked having no constraints was as good as the day i found out i like cheese. i knew it was all good melted over dough plastered in tomato sauce, but i didn't know HOW good it was until i had it completely by itself in it's pure raw form. or with crackers and sausage. chreedom.

with this justin

justin time but way too late. there's something wrong here and i'm terrified to think that i'm gonna continue. to fight the cause and ignore the resistance, destroy the insistence and dilute the persistence. am i sleeping because i'm tired or am i just bored? to concave or break away feeling like i'm justin case. my temperature is dependent on the situation at hand, the nausea accompanied by the pounding pulses of my heartbeat. will i be the same after this again? the right me known by the right justin, hoping i'll be named in the right place at the right moment, justin stead of everything else.

tyler silvertongue

he swallows acid and spits out roses
he'll take your heart, and rip it right from your chest
massage it with verbs, lather it in prose(s)
give it right back, but he shant let you rest
tyler silvertongue you're simply the best

he's full of lyrical abundance, veiled and consumed by metaphor
apologetic to none, haiku woo here and ballad woo there
don't guard your heart, he'll just bust down your soul door
he'll tell you truths all about what makes you fair
a verbal sailor is he, and that's what makes him rare

above pretension and in excellent literary physique
he's honed his grammar, and his articulation is very well hung
if he sends you a poem, you're very likely to shriek
giving you high hopes and glee, he'll never leave you on a rung
oh tyler oh tyler, you and your silvertongue

don't try to return the favour, he's too humble for that
always handing out, never handing in
he'll handle any dispute and settle any spat
comprehend all, and then with a noun kiss you on the chin
tyler silvertongue, for the friggen WIN.

i can't sing with a banana in my mouth

it's eternally maddening. but delicious.

floods and one thousand times

i'll start the bender over today. bleeding words and translated regret. finding a place to lay my head and shed my skin. couches 1 and 3, the home bed and the crash mat.

soaking in the freshness of a brokenness (but not the damaging one- the kind that comes with time and work, beating and plying and resisting, the making more functional of something stiff and virgin). louder past the conscience, in through the narrows and out through the feet and the beat of my heart. we turn the guilty sleep over and awaken to combat the innocence that seeks to disrupt refinement. tell yourself what you want, ignore what you need.

a proposition

i PROPOSE!

a wes anderson film day. this is the order of how i would watch them and why.

1. the fantastic mr fox- this was, without a doubt one of the greatest joys in my year thus far as far as movie watching goes. it'd be a great start to many a good movie. cuss yes.

2. rushmore- schwartzman in all his creepy awkward amazing glory. why not. to get into the mood of the style of the awesome.

3. the darjeeling limited- not my favorite by any measure, but a good midway through 'getstokedforthenexttwomovies' movie. i do believe this for me is where schwartzman gained his crown.

3.a. bottle rocket- before i knew of wes anderson, i watched this movie thinking the wilson brothers would tickle me silly with their words and antics. i was naive and foolish, and need to give this movie a redemptawatch to truly appreciate it now that i'm older and probably way cooler.

4. the life aquatic- anyone who doesn't like this movie is pompous.

5. the royal tennenbaums- top 5 movies of my all time the minute i finished watching this. so i say save the best for last. a fine showing for luke wilson. how the mighty have fallen... so let us toast.


a night golf game. but with a more treacherous and potentially vandalistic twist/mindset.

-step one. apprehend 2 golf clubs each from value village or rich people's dumpsters (an old wooden driver and 5-9 iron would be superb). a sleeve of tennis balls each, and a communal pop bottle.

-step two. tee off from a central location (using the communal pop bottle as the tee) and as a group, decide the direction in which we would like to travel, counting strokes as we whack off into the night, using garbage cans as holes and devising creative ways to get around private property (or... through... tennis balls can't break much (though we may need glow'n the dark paint or something)).

-step three. document how awesome we are and tally the score, with previously decided consequences for losing or winning. farkle-esque situations for the loser(s) are highly and warmly smiled upon.


a combined awake/sleepathon. an embrace of failure and complete sloth.

-since 72 hours seemed like an expectation, i failed. it if feels like a competition, i may fare better. however knowing that as much sleep as my body can consume is the reward regardless of where i finish, i may 'accidentally' pass out on the floor again. either way more chances for people opportunity is something i must

PROPOSE!

the closer you look the further you are

everything transferring back and forth... from love to hate and back to love again. there's a terrible agreement that comes when a mutual frustration gets poured out on the soul holding on to the things that conceive the frustration in the first place. the love we can have for them becomes a weapon that we hold over their head when they deviate from the reasons we love them. the opposite of what defines the only reason to live becomes this moment and this sudden foul connection.

anything can quickly become the object of affection when it is a desire. once that desire is gratified, it so quickly becomes everything i despise. they are too similar in the way they make me react to things. even their formalities draw too much attention to their deceptively similar natures.

no one ever said it'd be up to us to maintain how we felt about one another. it wasn't a mention, it wasn't a suggestion or a phrase that someone merely noticed. it was told to us as a commandment, and with that was the choice to obey or withdraw. disregard life, dwell in the 'me' or submit to the selflessness required to allow people to understand what it's actually about.

it feels like i'm always in line with destruction. every line i'm following is directly on course with an unaware pedestrian walking their own line. collision courses, ending in disaster with every path that crosses. i'm just waiting for that perfect moment when they change courses to join my path and begin traveling with me. no destruction, no catastrophe. that's for every other one that isn't making the turn.

reasons to not do dishes

i wish that i didn't need your permission to get the gunk out of my eye. there is a chance i can bruise like a banana, but i haven't the capacity to give it a try. my hands can't ever just stay still- even if i command them to settle down they continue to move on the inside. and i hate that i can burn my hands with tapwater.. my feet are around the same... if the focus isn't on them. being clean isn't a standard worth following for them. barefoot and free, willing to connect with anything regardless of what happens to them, because they are aware of how they can heal. i dislike how my mind perceives time. it's too fast, and that makes it wanty, and even worse, needy. as far as i can judge there is a timer counting down. i can pretend there is a way to bend it, to pry it from it's foundation. for understanding's sake, it's absolute. my mind continues to ponder ways around the standard... the expected. and my eyes gather up the mess that comes out of contemplation. my hands continue to shake, my feet flee and my mind wonders. my heart takes on all these traits and defines itself as the reason.

because inspiration causes me to think this way. the list way.

(apologies to alexandra, to whom this is not a vile gloating situation, but rather a nostalgic information session from me to me with ya'll as innocent bystanders)

in remembrance of previously occuring events of awesomeness, i must try to calculate my favorite concerts of all time. david letterman style.

10. newsboys, calgary 1999
9. the trews, calgary 2007
8. switchfoot, calgary 2007
7. brand new, calgary 2007
6. chevelle, detroit, 2004
5. deftones, calgary 2009
4. blindside II, detroit 2005
3. radiohead, vancouver 2008
2. muse, detroit 2005
1. muse II, calgary 2010

i also must take notice of bands i haven't seen, that i strongly desire to see.

foo fighters
linkin park
swell season
attack attack
august burns red
mutemath
sick puppies
thrice
the classic crime
one republic

oh dang, now i've replaced satisfaction with more anticipation! i suck.

wooden fool pilot

- it's the difference between profanity and cursing
that which makes us ignorant and pathetic
bemused with the thought of making us last.

a lonely soul wanders unceasingly, taking notice of his broken feet..
his weary soles untethered and told, bent within the story of his journey..\he whispers, to no one listening but anyone watching,
those words that had been long since forgotten..
"remember me now and remember me then, remember me forever, this world will never end"..
and so he continued his forever walk, along broken paths and strong gusting winds..
ignoring the cold that burns to the bone, forever remembering, never forgetting..

- it's the difference between unwilling and dying
that which makes us vulnerable and frail
weakened by a world of all things untrue.

a categorized lie uproots and infects, circulating through the dismantled system..
from one to the next, the lie slighly crept, tearing away at all who were there..
it whispers, through the grime that lay afoot,
everything one needs to hear in order to dismiss or readjust opinion..
"no one is no one, as i am someone, and all will listen, to what i have done"..
so it crept and creeped as it stole and it thieved, unjust ideas leaked to an unprotected world..
destroying the circuits of so many souls, forever consuming, never breathing..

- it's the similarity between birth and death
that which makes us laugh and cry
engrossed in the clarity revealed by the light.

a child lay wide eyed, gazing through a window..
at no folley of her own, witness to the unbelieveable and the unspoken..
she whispers, afraid to shatter the silence of a moment,
a crowd now gathers past the weathered glass..
"be here again tomorrow, or forever i'll be, wanting your presence but afraid that you'll flee"..
she then got up and walked away, yearning for future from an unforgiving past..
embracing the feeling of an alternate rest, forever receiving, never neglecting..

- it's the sameness between wanting and providing
that which makes us stable and unique
filled with joys we, in all things, call human.

on with the things

yet another edition of things that drive me bananas (one being the term bananas, best defined as a wonderfully tastey long yellow fruit in plural, or as crazy- in the good way)

graffiti on stop signs or other variety of traffic signs. nothing says stop like a stop sign with 'voltron' written fantastically underneath with some glorious shine-wrecking ink. giant sigh of happy.

urinal troughs. enough with the segregation! let us unite as man and release excess waste into a long skinny metal bathtub and watch it go oh so productively down the single drain- together.

the beer after realizing the first one wasn't cold enough. it's been 20 or so minutes, and that +3 temperature has done another positive number on the effect of the beer. taste, thou has sanctuary.

lotioning of the entire body after a shower in the winter months in calgary. i hate dry skin so much, my mental process is often laced with profanity. after lotioning however, i smell awesome, and i FEEL even more awesome.

underoath after 2 1/2 hours of football. cool down music.

peanut butter jelly sandwiches that have been heated up by being in a warm car. warm melty sticky and delicious. crumbs can't even go anywhere because everything is so perfectly moist. oh my goodness this makes me so happy.

seeing someone buy one of my paintings. though i didn't have a chance to talk to them... it still felt really really good to see one go. happy trails bloody nosed actuality.

humans using cat-like techniques and mannerisms. whether it be a gigantic pounce in football, someone licking the back of their hand every so carefully, or having someone gingerly sniff my ear, i'm happy with literal metaphor.

tattoos.

n. e. g. a. t. i. v. e.

it's that pounding in the chest. one glimpse one word one touch. nausea dispelled from the stomach but into the joints that maintain structural support. we've all felt it before but i've never felt it on this scale. the biggest insecurity isn't exposure or repercussion, but having to contain what i'm holding inside. damn the shame. boom another blast, this one even worst than the last. concussion disposition...

reese puffs would have an answer

we've been sitting here for ten minutes now. she's not fascinating, but she's keeping me curious and i like that. i'm not that big on mystery, but making discoveries about someone keeps me wanting; answers, her questions, more... it's too soon to tell what i want but i know there is no harm in finding out if it's her or not. i won't let it get to a point where it's gonna enter the danger zone. playing it safe isn't for someone with nothing to lose.

no red flags yet. several yellows, but the best part about a neutral colour is it's subjectivity to change. i can mold yellow. i can make it green. we're definitely on different levels of ideology, but it's at a place where they aren't opposing- though i wouldn't say they are complimenting each other either. i've got time to figure out where we each stand on the matters that define who we are, so there's no worry or anxiety surrounding whether or not i'll have to compromise something to get something else i'm wanting. i shouldn't be thinking like that, but i know i've got three minds to battle with inside of me.

we get our food and enter the stage of half focus on conversation and the other half focused on what we are eating... she's growing on me. there are little things she's doing that drive my mind mad with inquisitive fantasy... the way she twirled her fork around her finger like an asian academic holding a pen; spurred by culinary excitement and anticipation for her meal.. what kind of female bad-ass does that. ninja skills and survival abilities are at the forefront of my continually intrigued questioning mind. she also mentions something about sustainability and living off the land... a farming goddess endowed with awareness of a simpler life. yes, she's growing on me.

intrigue turns into infactuation, and my mind starts taking me to places i always consider too quickly. where this could go, what this could be, when me and her could be she'n i. i keep a tight reign on my tongue and this is exactly when it changes from a no pressure curiosity into a careful dance around maintaining momentum and integrity. it's ashame and no relief to be in this stage, and i quickly regret caring what happens in the near future. there will be a time and place for that but for now i need to be concerned about being exactly who i am and not who i think she wants to see me as. i wonder if she's playing the same games in her head and i dismiss my games for being no fun in a consentual situation.

for the first times our hands touch as we she hand talks through a story for emphasis and the gravity of her conclusion allows for her fingers to gingerly rest near mine, fingers slightly touching. out of fear for not having this opportunity again i don't move my hand, and slowly but surely and very intentionally move my thumb overtop of her index finger and hope to everything good in the world she doesn't move away. the miliseconds move by at an agonizing pace just before explosions of sheer joy spread up my arm and into my chest for one gigantic beat. i blink and pretend it's no big deal but inside i'm fairly sure my heart is screaming. she giggles and looks away and i imagine her heart screaming as well, which makes me smile sheepishly and look away. it's never happened like this before and i know it won't ever happen like this again and that's all i need to keep on savoring the moment. it's by no means any form of relational definition, but at this time in this moment i know we've both acknowledged the connection we've been beating around for weeks.

the fickleness residing in my heart-mind is telling me to ask my brain-mind if this is really gonna work out, while telling my penis-mind to keep out of trouble (for now). i've brought the conversation onto a transitional plateau, and i feel the feeding part of the evening is coming to an end. the wonder of anticipation is all i'm feeling and wondering she's at all still connected to the hand she's been holding and gently caressing for awhile now. the excitement is gone but the energy is still there. the constant questions still encircle my focus but already i feel a victory for my pride. i don't dare think about the ways i could screw this up even though there are several thousand, 35% of them being super fun- but i don't dare even think about the future and love and how adorable our babies would be. such thoughts are subject to word diarrhea. the danger of this stage is the danger surrounding her constant ability to turn my mouth into an ass. we get up and leave before any action can be put in place of inner perception.

we came seperately which seemed super cool and casual at the beginning, but now as we agree to head somewhere else together i'm angry at the fact we have to be absent from another for awhile. it DOES create an opportunity for a glorious temporary goodbye, but i tell myself i'll work on that for the real goodbye and settle for a hand squeeze and drag. i'm all smiles as i get into my car but hide them behind trying to look nonchalant and manly. i fail and blush and know she sees it but am happy she's even looking to see if i'm trying to do all this. all i can do to contain myself is sing as we drive off towards our communal destination.