melting is such a devastating experience

and it happens when you least expect it... applying for other expectations but ending up with a punch of fire in the heart. but it burns so good, just like they say. the good pain. the pain that makes you want more because it provides a reason to live. wait for tomorrow but flaming experience for today. molotov emotions. even when we feel that heat coming, it's not time to run. if we're daring and bold enough it's time for a gasoline shower. the only thing to lose is the possibility of actually succeeding if we fail to take the chance. for the 11th time faith is spelled r i s k. all other times were filled with conviction but this time it just makes sense as inevitable. captivating fire. stoked on the hopes of being as vulnerable as a puddle of wax. never changing in essence, just in shape. the flammable potential in everything you touch.

sleep wasn't supposed to happen tonight. once again.. i've never felt like this and i'm past deciding whether it's spiritual or pure fatigue. i FEEL like i'm in a picture, but i'm just a silhouette that's been cut out. when i was laying in bed it felt like i had no connectivity to my legs.. like they were attached but they were stretched out and off by themselves.. and i felt/still feel like i'm surrounded by something... that makes me feel distinctly light. my body wants to call it circulation issues but my spirit wants to tell me i can fly. it's like i'm here but i'm not actually here.... i had to come and type just so i could feel something and even that isn't satisfying my need for a complete touch. i'm on edge like i've never been.. well.. nah. i've been. that one other dream... i can't decide which kind of dream this was cuz i'm so stinkin paranoid right now the face on the tv (it's on) scared the crap out of me. all the lights are on and i have most sources of media going... i know God doesn't strike panic and fear into me but maybe if i was close to him maybe i'm just reacting to leaving his presence... k k k here is what i remember of the dream.

fairly sure i was in new zealand, after some skate park/ convention... something... haha me'n jef were wandering around and it was his birthday or something cuz we claimed we needed something to drink and we both shouted enthusiastically 'beeeeeeeeeeeer!' (we looked at each other like it was quite possibly the best idea ever... EVERRRRRRRRRBEEEEERRRR!) but we ended up in this dimly lit room with a black couple and everyone else listening to them. jef disappeared (or moved to a corner) and then... i don't remember what happened for awhile, but then the black dude looked at me intently in the eye and said 'i must look at your hands' but creepily like it was some compulsion he HAD to fulfill otherwise he'd go mad... so i let him have them, and he studied and looked at the stains and told me what they were (.... paint... chemicals... haha) then asked me if i had touched something, not sure what it was (the word sounded ... almondy) so i didn't say anything and this aggravated him so he studied more intently and kept talking and THIS is when i felt like i got thrown to the floor, except the floor wasn't there anymore and i couldn't see anything that was previously there (but my hands were still being held... for a time at least) and then i just started suuuuuurging forward (i started saying Jesus' name cuz i thought he was cursing me or something), with everything in me, but with none of my own strength or power, just falling in every direction exponentially faster and faster, then i just started screaming praises and thanks and that i loved God and how happy i was, and this went on for a few seconds of 'falling' then near the end of my screaming i for some reason just started pounding out prayers for people, and then i came out of it in the middle of the room jumping up and down saying thank you thank you thank you, and then i stumbled and knocked over something that covered the entire floor in brown, and they were none to pleased. and then i inexplicably woke up, wide awake again and at first wasn't paranoid, but then i turned on my music again and tried to go to sleep but then i started to notice the FEELINGS and that my heart was beating like a drum (and i had a raging... you know) and the chills all contained within a centimeter under my skin without being cold... i tried for probably 30 seconds then i had a compulsive need to write, so i thought screw it! lets do this again. cripes.. i was only asleep for an hour and a half! and now i'm far too awake to attempt another run at sleep.. at least with the lights out... i still feel like i could walk through walls or try to grab something and pass right through it.. well not to that extent. i definitely feel translucent though.... man... that was like Gods presence in the other dream on CRACK.. i said if i was ever 'slain in the spirit' i wanted to be thrown against the ground instead of passively released from standing... this seems like it happened... crazily... i just can't figure out why the dude seemed so unhappy with me the entire time. THOUGH i remembered (in my dream) that he was a speaker on my DTS (in reality, he was not, but in my dream reality it was a good conclusion to make because that offed him as a creep and curser). these are times when i'd really really LOVE to be married so i could talk it out right away and then hold her... especially feeling like this. i'm pretty sure it'd transfer over, or she'd feel it. i don't know if it's fading.. i feel really really really light. oh well one day. what a friggen weird experience... that's vivid.. and WHAT OF THIS FEELING?!?!?!? questions, God, questions. it feel like my eyes have been opened even though they weren't shut to begin with. except my eyes are everywhere on me. i've either shed something, or lost something... i think it's good. my spirit tells me it's good. i just am scared to crap. may as well paint. or eat toast. but that involves going upstairs where it is dark and silent. no good. maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn

tender

not like money ... from a transaction.... but like the special moment between a player and his goalie at the end of a winning game.. touching each other gingerly on the forehead and whispering thank yous and well dones... it's a special moment and is as manly as the last name o'toole. i have man-bumps. they are like goosebumps, but caused during- or thinking about- intense moments of brotherly love. at the end of a fight... hugging your opponent or good-gaming him away... high-fiving with gloves on. this is true affection. i must keep this discussion at the guy-guy level, because in this mental stage i'd only make you fall in love with me as i cascaded your brain with romantic idealisms and closed eyed thoughts of intimate encounters doused with destiny laden whispers.. and be you male, a boner. exhaustion can be concluded to be the cause of 'cuddlebrains', where one, seemingly unavailable to pursue normal daily activities due to loss of motor function, resorts to indulging in the comforts of the mind whilst bodily melting into any comfortable surface whilst not moving... and llllllllllllllllllllllllonging for affection on any level. it's warm fuzzy already, but the slightest gesture makes a heat panic in my chest. dreary eyed soldiers in pillow-land casting off the shackles of shrewdly dressed fashion, and embracing the fulfleecingly decadent world of the sweats or naked. press on freedom soldier! set the captives freeeeeeee

white surrender

let it rain,
make our pain and anguish disappear,
give us reasons to live and reasons to fear...
drunk with greed,
blind with lust,
wash away everything you didn't ask us to trust...
these flags we hold high,
that you gave us to share,
our job was to spread the joy and nullify despair...
instead we ignore,
and in ourselves we chose to confide,
in these signs of the empire we refuse to hide...
take it away,
enter and make us new,
then show us what we were really meant to do...

suddenly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYu68H7nNGQ

oh dang yes. goodbye sadness. hello desperation.

my heart has eyes

un⋅re⋅quit⋅ed [uhn-ri-kwahy-tid] –adjective
1. not returned or reciprocated: unrequited love.
2. not avenged or retaliated: an unrequited wrong.
3. not repaid or satisfied

F***!! owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwch. no band-aid can fix this!

PF - letting castaway ruin my night by making me so irrationally sad and emotional.

PW - a 66" x 58" blank canvas ready for me to spew paint all over. haven't any idea what i'm gonna put on it yet. i had an idea. then i thought it was stupid. but it still may work. i just need some... meat, some substance... a plain old picture will never do anymore. i may just sit in front of it and pray something into existence. that always seems like the best bet. have you met my two sheep hosanna and hallelujah? i met them last night for the first time. hopefully someone else in 4ish days will like them enough to pay me to take them home.

WF - i saw this dude in the mirror, who just looked so sad. and his facial hair was inconsequential, at best.

let that yellow mellow

appropriation, approximation. dictation appreciation, manifestation procreation; recreation! propagation, multiplication fiction nation. obama-nation abomination, DEFENESTRATION!! administration devastation- masturbation? damnation...

proposition, position division estimation consumption, constitution production (pollution), conclusion. resignation. relation misdirection confusion frustration tension segregation junction; proposition. rejection. confession. direction.

rEVOLution!!! industrialization, education presentation, recognition realization. clarification notification designation association IDENTIFICATION;

redemption restitution (retribution). perception, passion. consecration. sensation, union;

con ce p t I O N IMPREGNATION! .... justification.

are you the kind of person who watches the microwave count down to zero, announcing it's expiration with tones and annoying alerts, or do you prefer to stop the countdown prematurely and silently clear the remainder?

0.

whichever you prefer and whichever you are is why i want you. a justified pursuit for a justified existence.

108.

i'd wave at you even if i knew you wouldn't see me.

213.

i took it as He'd never let me go. and it was spoken to me, 'He'll never let you go'. it's not a promise capable of being broken. as He to me, hopefully i to you.

357.

it's not in our hands to make the crops grow. we can feed them, but even then growth isn't a garantee.

373.

hopefully i'm never going to need a morality catheter installed. being who i was made to be should keep me from being filled with the things that repulse You. and you.

505.

halfsies. it's not half and half to make a whole, as easy as that could be. all for all, giving all and taking all, creating no spaces for division or deception. naked and pure, humble and shameless, open and vulnerable and ultimately safe.

608.

it can't be redundant if we still see it as genuine.

741.

it's a mess.

870.

i'm stuck and i can't get beyond this point. the fear of losing the potential vs. the dire need to understand or contextualize my motives hangs on the edge of patience and opportunity.

973.

when patience is key to the door, i need help to find it and put it on my keychain. kicking the door in won't do anyone any good.

1 074.

honestly will always work for me. life is too short to lie or hold back.

1 225.

whatever is decided doesn't have to be decided any time soon. there aren't a lot of periods in life yet. just slight stoppages in speech and pauses in breaths.

1 268.

i want to do the things i've done.

the things i've been learning lately... allow me to tell you...

i have a filthy mouth. i don't know when this happened or why i didn't realize it for so long or why i struggle with accepting tact as a valid social characteristic, but i've decided to work on it. i've been getting a lot of conviction from a lot of sources (none of which was personally directed at me (minus the tact)) which leads me to believe i need to clean up my language. the consequences of me not doing this have let me compromise things that i should be standing for, like quality in my music listening and movie viewing (the things that rot my mind vs. the things that allow it to flourish), as well as disappointed certain people in my life who have pull on any expectations i have of myself. lately any such influence that i feel i need to satisfy, i've taken the time to avoid and flee from, instead of humbling myself and accepting what they may have to say on the issue. not like it's a huge issue, but it's definitely something that if i don't keep in check or stay aware of could turn into some ugly rebelliousness and dangerous barriers being created. i'm all for staying under the radar of expectation, but not at the sacrifice of respect. lawyered!

tonight was a really sweet session about spiritual warfare, and the nature of satan and his demons. i knew a lot on the subject, which was only confirmed that i ACTUALLY know anything because everything he was saying was exactly what i learned (and for once, retained) during DTS, and coming from a completely separate source, i feel validated in understanding we are in a war, and how the happenings of this war manifest themselves in our current dimension. it was very uplifting and edifying feeling like i was on the same ground as the speaker, with valid opinions, arguments and stories on the issue. i'm positive i couldn't articulate it as well as he could, but nevertheless, confidence has risen and satan is still defeated. my only new revelation is that without opening up the heart, there is no way to open up the mind.

me'n bran were having a good discussion about family and how important it is. i mean it's something we seek (subconscious or fully aware) constantly as a place to fit in or feel loved or to GIVE love, and without that we are completely lost. i know in Christ we are never alone, but i know we need that physical companionship of someone else's soul near ours and responding in an affirming way. i realize some people don't have this in their lives and it really really must suck, but through all that understanding just HOW thankful i should be (and am) that i'm surrounded by the people i'm with... in michigan, in calgary, nz or anywhere... i've never been short of family. gratefulness restored. on this day of remembering the fallen (martyrs, soldiers and victims) i've taken another step in appreciating the living. especially the ones i'm allowed to touch (oh yes, physically AND emotionally).

the hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than we we first believed. the night is nearly over; the day is almost here. so let us put aside the deeds of darkness, and put on the armor of light.

and finally my artwork... i've been steeped in darkness and spiritual angst for so long i've forgotten about the opposite side of the 'disturb the comfortable' motive behind work... i need to take some measure of comforting the disturbed as well. i feel like i'm back on good/great terms with my dad (not like it was an issue, just stupid father-son mental mind games played by me and my irrationality) and he's motivated me to push myself into that more uplifting direction, because that gets talked about just as much as the opposite way. and it'll probably be better for my thought processes as i seek to cleanse myself of this way-bigger-than-i-thought-mud-pit in my heart. run run run! straight ahead, looking to the side only when God tells me too. hopefully then i'll see the one i'm supposed to run with, going the same speed and in the same direction.

break time

not from painting... probably writing. nahhh

http://www.flickr.com/photos/14034845@N02/

i've been in my basement for days, and it's a good thing.

there are some things i shouldn't be thinking about

do you ever have those days where you can't stop thinking about how you think? analyze, aggressively observe (JUDGE), fantasize and wonder? today is one of those days. i just wrote another blog that was full of (sh) it and i didn't post it cuz one of those thoughts was how my biggest influence is approval. ( i was interviewing myself mentally and i thought i'd format it that way to be different and moderately funny but evidently psychotically... but i guess it's good since we're supposed to know ourselves, and push the boundaries of perspective and understanding to create a better future for the future thinkers.. (my babies. lots of babies. philosopher babies. babies that challenge people and make them feel uneasy about becoming stale and overly comfortable. babies who grow up wearing what they want with paintbrushes coming out of their pockets and painting their thoughts on the world.)) TAN-GENT! yes yes, i'm influenced by approval and acceptance, but i know it's a good thing because i know i'm meant to desire it, and relationship with other people. we weren't designed to be alone.. OR rejected. and if we are, we correct. sometimes i say stupid ass things that i end up regretting; for a time. then i move on cuz i'm all up in my head. so i think i'm gonna celebrate it instead of run from it. not like... attention whoring and self-indulgent flamboyances, but by continuing down the path i'm on.. FLIP i just nullified this whole post. key word - personal expression. and BABIES.

1 + 9 + 1 = 11. THIS one goes to 11.

i hate it when it comes time to evaluate where i stand. i wish it was to the left or the right but i'm probably somewhere right in the middle. there's no defining who i am by what i stand for. only the purest values are able to shine through at that level. what am i supposed to be? what do i want to be... who do i want to be... none of this matters within the parameters of one who is too self involved to ask. i never want to become that. who is this 'i' that always speaks and is so rare to listen? the darkness takes away from what the light gives. and so freely.. to claim this 'i' as myself will take something beyond time to figure out. the answer won't ever JUST be there, and the questions will pile up. why is it so hard to see eye to eye? the feeling i get is being looked down on from above, like i'm being observed and studied and organized and labelled. i don't ever want to be the one that looks down but sometimes the situation deems it out of my control. one day eye to eye will be the constant stream of communication that we will follow. until then i'll get turned and disoriented by the waves and fight to understand where the surface is.

(stretches, cradles wrists, and sighs ('i' could be me and 'i' might be you but maybe 'i' is she but 'i' is probably me... or a bumblebee. that works for free. somewhere out over the sea...))

eat cereal.

the rules of ha

ha- i think what you said was worthy or slight mirth, but this topic of conversation will extend no further.

haha- i probably laughed in my head, and because of this i'm more intrigued by our conversation and wish to continue down the path we are currently on.

hahaha- i definitely smiled, and am wanting you to say more to keep me hahaing.

HA- you just aced someone or something and i loved it.

HAHA- something awfully funny happened to you or someone and i am glad you aren't speaking about something that happened to me.

HAHAHA- i literally laughed out loud, probably shamefully as i am alone or in a space occupied by other people i don't know, but with this i am well pleased.

haaahhahahaaaaahahaa OR HAAAHAHAAHAHAAAAA (and so on)- your pretty funny, and if i had to pee you'd have placed comedic pressure on my bladder, but i don't mind as when i think of this later i'll for sure smile like a jackass to myself in a crowd of frowny people but then remember why i love you so much.

the roughest of all the charities

today i discovered what i enjoy about school. it happens when i leave class, totally satisfied and happy. i also noted that i find it extra cool when people carry around their beverages in mugs. not travel mugs, hard core i <3 calgary mugs filled with water or coffee or tea or other liquids of taste. it makes me feel casual. which is what i want in life ALL the time! PF - mike walked in on me listening to creed. and i was definitely singing.

run run run.

another discussion on what art 'is' happened. in my head i concluded that art cannot ever be described with a term so absolute as 'is' but if it 'is' anything i'd say it's a context.

death to smoochy brings back memories. marc knows.

3 1/2 hours of sleep scheduled tonight. d d d d d d dang yes.

detective time

the questions that must be asked:

who left the cauldron in the front entry, and where did it come from / at what time did it arrive?

who smashed our back porch table in our backyard? ye jackass!

how disappointed will my mom be when she sees pics and assumes the worst of her eldest son?

who was the dude with the big fake beard that was rumoured to be a douchebag?

how did halloween come and go so fast / why aren't 14 paintings done like the schedule demands?

how did my tail get so dirty?

who's rickards honey brown sitting by the garbage can did i kick and destroy 1 of 4?