i've been given this to give as well

one night i dreamt a dream i couldn't possibly improve. even if i tried with all my mental effort to force ideals upon this situation, perfection has no grounds for improvement. it was summer. there were shorts, and green grass and 'hello's with no goodbyes. we greeted and hugged after such an absence and decided to celebrate by rolling in the grass like infants. we're at his house (even though it isn't really his house) and in the back yard. she is there, and we are sitting in sweatpants on the front porch watching the sunset. everyone is a mixture of inside and outside but we sit there in between it all. it feels adorably new and innocent, yet intentional and authentic. we edge closer together until we support ourselves on each other, and she starts singing songs in french to me. i ask her what they mean and she shrugs without explanation and keeps on singing, slowly playing with the hair around my eyes. my little brother walks by and gives me the look only he can give that sends me into fits of sheepish smiles. i try to suppress them so she doesn't notice, but does and knowingly smiles back. she keeps on singing softly while looking into my eyes and playing with my hair. the people around us are people i see everyday, and people i only see once in awhile, but they are all immensely special to me. there are no strangers and no planned activities. we are just being and content with that.

monetize THIS

we have a negative pandemic of neutrality on our hands now. beginning? hardly, there are two 'n's in 'begiNNing' (with a third) 'begiNNiNg'. it's like yet far less deviant than the KKK, but also like- yet far more intrusive than the 'abc's which guide our diction.

negative neutrality now: nary as much of a demand as it is a tense; our mental plundering and sponging capabilities limited by our flounderous attempts at grasping controlling and selling knowledge through systems hidden within aesthetic institutions.

blam kaPOW who is your daddy now. fatherhood is only pART biological function. pessimism for breakfast with a quoted healthy lunch of educational atrophy, all within the dwindling fingers of gratifying a short patience.
metamorphosis from fat writhing larvae to over-influenced butterflies with razor blade wings, cleaving and cutting away the foundations on which wizards blasphemers and heretics found reasons to stay accused.
no hindsight no reprimand. no foresight no worries.

a vindictive revelry whispered amongst the forgotten. if the time was near then the time is here.

thunderstorms on Christmas

surely that smug look on your face isn't the pure satisfaction that comes with making someone smile. i wish it was. i want it to be. so i'll imagine it is and then i'll smile even bigger. these things that we claim to be ours, are really the subsequent reactions to the things out of our control. we're reactions in a beaker, thrown together as a formula to do the world better. but our variables are not constant- our reaction is meant for something bigger than what we really are but we've been given the chance to deviate from it. we can leave, we can not react, we can stay as we are and remain under the expectation we create for ourselves. but if we take the chance to remain, to see what happens when we DO react, we become exposed to the full potential for which we were created. for each other. for the world. our experiment is for no one special, other than ourselves and finding out what we are truly made of. we will never be a failed experiment;

the mythbusters... and the explosions.. it feels so good.... when i like that... explosions. ..

here's a thought- why does mike have to move out when he gets married? why can't kristie move in as well? i understand the need for privacy... but what about the need for COMMUNITY? nobody is fully aware of the happening in their neighbors lives these days.. it makes me sad. i don't have a clue who lives next door to me. i've always thought that the privacy you gain when getting married seemed more like isolation instead of freedom.. i'm not saying that privacy isn't needed (a sock on the door does wonders.. nahhhhhhhhhhh jk jk... but seriously...), i'm just wondering what it'd be like to be married but live with people as well. since my thoughts tend to lead me to believe doing the opposite of what society has trained us to do seems like a good idea, this trend buster gets me excited in a way that i know i'll probably never get a chance to experience. IF fw is keen on following social patterns... but who knows. this comes from my limited never-been-in-love experience, and it's probably me trying to hold on to all that 59 is without losing anyone. i just think it'd be a cool way to live... sharing with each other... helping solve each others problems... though cripes, isn't that what marriage is as well? intimacy must definitely be saved for/kept within the marriage, BUT other aspects of life would become so much more joy filled with the constant interaction of other people. like in the Acts days, but TOday. like shane claiborne and the simple way. but i guess that community can be founded anywhere at anytime, and not contained within a house. and seeing as some people take this too far (pick a cult) maybe it's better to let those thoughts stay thoughts. we'll see how i feel when i'm about to be in this situation. i like people too much... sometimes. in other news, i'm tired enough to sleep. hallelujah.

so....

lately... i haven't had a lot to be righteously angry about. my life is amazing. i'm learning tons about a lot of different things on a lot of different levels. i have the freedom to come and go wherever and whenever i please... (being home is one of these privileges that i have. the beautiful smell of home, familiar everything, left even as i left it 3 months ago. same awesome cat. same amazing parents.) nothing to stand in my way of happiness and challenge its right to exist. spiritual warfare? i'm on the winning side, how can that be a bad thing. atheistic opposition (SUCH AS- part 1 of zeitgeist, that adorably argumentative onlywhitemanontheisland in fiji, the 'response' to kent hovinds garden of eden video, and various completely-closed-with-no-chance-of-opening minded people we all run into every day)? through further understanding has become an ignorant joke compared to other levels of spiritual dissension. grief? never. my holy anger hasn't been stoked or even ignited in a long time. i see things with the world from a certain perspective and i try my best to love everyone i can.

tonight my dad told me of some arrangements made for a friend i have who is in the army. i've forever thought he'd go, get trained, maybe be a part of some political military nonsense then come home unharmed, untainted by death and destruction and i'd never have to worry about him. i knew he was going to afghanistan soon, and i understood the implications of him going there, but hearing quite possible arrangements for his... potential future status made everything real. i've only ever had one person in my family die, and we weren't that close. death isn't real to me in the way that it is for other people who've gone through the hardships and goodbyes. i went to see this friend last winter in DC and was for some reason feeling obligated to do so. he's a wonderful friend and DC is a wonderful place and i'm so pissed at my former self for even starting to feel ANY sort of obligation towards going, seeing now that it was potentially the last time to ever see him. all this hit me really quickly and really powerfully as my dad drove me home, explaining why certain arrangements must be made for someone stepping into the front lines of a war.

and for what? i want to say i support him and everything he does, that i'll be praying for him and that i know he's gonna be protected and taking care of. i'm GOING to be praying, but for the first time in my life i have a sense of hopelessness and that horrible feeling anyone gets when they realize they are completely out of any level of control in the situation. and i know i have to give it to God and let him handle my feeble little whispered prayers in hopes that he's respond with a resounding thundering bone shattering amen. and when he does as i KNOW he will, there's always the possibility that his answer will be hard to handle. realistically, either way, someone is going to die. at either end of the weapon, there will be death. i've never known what allows someone to be driven to the point of wanting to end someone else's life, or for what reason it could ever be justified. regardless of my friend's status before.. within.. after his missions, i can't ever morally support evil on that level. i want to scream 'i hate the fucking army' (and i fucking do...) but that won't end it, and it won't change anyone's mind about it. i wish i would have taken the time to invest in his life more and persuade him to other methods of life living, instead of sitting back and idly watching him sign his life to an overinflated sense of patriotism.

so.... for the first time i'm faced with the real fear of death. not for me, but for a brother. and there isn't a thing i can do about it. hours ago i was reading a book called 'forgotten God', all about how the church has failed to attempting to comprehend the Holy Spirit and harnessing His wonderful gifts. francis chan challenged me to let Him lead me, as i've been trying to do for awhile now. it's not like my faith is gonna allow me to teleport above my friend, take him under my arm and teleport back out, but it will allow me to TRUST that good does prevail, regardless of the evils that plague us. it sucks that it only took a few hours of pondering before being tested with it, but what choice do we have? if we can't turn to God in the bad times, how the hell are we gonna stay with Him in the good times? and the other way around. i asked for this... time to trust. for a year of a friend in afghanistan. then someone else the year after that. then every other situation in between.

God please give me help.

the moment before perfection is realized, but realizing that the realization is about to happen, and all the excitement that brings.

i'm on a mental tear lately and i can't help spewing what's going on in my head. at the moment, i am packing. i LOVE packing. i'm trying to tone down the amount of times/ consider the context in which i use the word love, but this is no mistype or false representation of how i feel. i truly love packing. it's one of the few times i can be completely absorbed by my OCD and instead of flee from it, celebrate it by folding clothes and placing them neatly in a bag. i don't know why. it's thrilling to the point of causing me to be unable to sleep. i slept 20 minutes last night, an mebe an hour nap at some point in the day but i feel like i'm going full steam. i have to ease into it and not do it all at once... i've gotta make it last. savor the little subtleties like perfected sock organization and that spot where a t-shirt fits in like... anything sexual, pretty much. go nuts in your mind. it's all business up in this brain. it's just a good level of achievement and satisfaction when i've packed a bag to it's flawless potential. i sound cocky. but i don't care. i'm friggen good at it. and that's just the packing, excluding all the amazing things that come WITH packing... like the moment after that last goodbye where it's just me and my journey ahead. (i've written so many times about this... i don't care. i'm passionate about it.) i mean i'm only going away 3 weeks, but travel recharges me. i keep thinking how inconvenient it is for me to fly all the way down to houston, then back up to michigan instead of a direct shot. but that's ok! that's an extra 5ish hours of alone time to sit... nap... read... write letters... draw tattoos... be completely alone yet surrounded and mentally isolated. packing is the fuse to all of this (assuming the climax is arrival (hehehe.... oh man...) to the destination and all the warm lovely hellos and familiarities OR brand new territories...) and fuses burn beautifully. love... excitement... nostalgia... mitigation (YEAH thesaurus)... i'm so glad for how i was built...

for serious?! for serious.

quick! let me know quick before my mind clouds with reason.
we don't have to hurry but we shouldn't waste time either.
it's not about signals it's just about feelings... we know when we know and to fight it is worthless. why settle for good enough when just right surely exists? they say we can go to the moon, but the sun is more of an adventure. this level of intricate detail won't go unnoticed.

17 minutes until class eh?

then 17 moments of observation i give you. list obsession, fulfill..ation.

1. there is no way to walk in or out of a bathroom in a dignified manner.
2. the chin maintains it's mystery as a body part, but put it on someone as a pressure point (ie: brotherly full nelson with chin in spine) and they know exactly what they are being touched with.
3. 6:14am is both too early, and too late for a beer. my tongue protested.
4. skiddish feelings caused by other-driver anxiety can often be challenged with a nice remedy of scaring someone else in your car worse than the fear you are experiencing.
5. scarves are productive.
6. fingernails are kinda gross, but if they weren't there, it'd be even more disgusting. however i want to see this one day. not gross and bloody, but just smoothness 360 degrees around the tip.
7. is jef's favorite number.
8. swimming decreases the need to cotton swab your ears.
9. while driving scout, coasting down a hill will cease the flow of hot air from the engine, and instead let the -35 air inside in it's place.
10. the previous can be avoided by putting the car into gear, or staying home and skipping school, writing mounds of poetry and neglecting further artistic productivity by justifying 'research' time.
11. plus another eleven is the number i can most associate with wishes.
12. sheesha with tobacco in it is no longer sold in calgary. this is probably the most inconvenient discovery, and largest piss off of the year. ebay will have to become a new friend. herbal stuff tastes like wood. nobody likes to smoke wood.
13. smoking is stupid, but ridiculously fun, which is a contradiction most brains embrace. not cigarettes. but what's the difference? it's all in the heart. attack. that some people will suffer.
14. i have 6 minutes until class.
15. 25 minutes plus 11 snooze minutes of sleep is roughly enough to get through a day of sculpture critique
16. the best thing i've taken away from 'how i met your mother' is handing off problems to future me. ex: 'wow that trash can is pretty full. who know i'm gonna let handle that? future tyler'. thank you ted and marshall, for your wisdom.
17. it seems like friday but it is monday which means in 6 days there will be an art show, in 5 days there will be a panic about an art show, in 4 days there will be no sleep whilst trying to finish paintings for an art show, in 3 days there will be the smell of sawdust and hopefully not blood, in 2 days there will be massive preparation, and in 1 day there will be absolutely relaxing travel, full of reading drawing thinking wondering wishing praying and revelling.

there is a hole in your flag

we were pure once. white and unblemished. our statues were a living breathing testament to our authentic nature and genuine existence. we were new with no need to be reborn. today we seek these things behind the feet of iron and clay, waving our pure white flags of surrender in stead of the falsely proclaimed colours of our idols. the giant we created is the monster we worship, and the ball we attached to our chains is the control we gave up without thinking. the choice was given for a reason, and the less we stain our flags with the blood of our neighbors the greater the reflection from the light which other slaves long to be able to see. raise them up and raise them high, if we keep them down we'll discover the ground, but there's no limit to how far we can reach into the sky.

the cloudy muse

it seems i've spent all my creative energy on an exam. didn't think there was a limit. i think artists should have creativity meters above their heads, like the health bar in mortal combat, or any other video game... then people could see how uninspired we are at the moment and do something outrageous to spur them forward. or maybe... my meter is recharging at this moment. MAYBE INDEED!! it must be the flow of blood to my legs since i'm wearing sweatpants after and absolutely unexcused 2-3 day absence from them. PLUS long johns and two hoodies and wool socks on top of white'ns... i saw my friend in san diego say it was so cold where he was. i called him a wienie. (-10 is ideal, -30 just feels like death. that little nip on the nose is like a rottweiler's skeleton devouring my face instead.) but it gives me good reason to have blanket-like clothing on at all times. g l o r i o u s.

today marked the official last day of classes i don't give a crap about.. i've had some good classes but now i don't have class until monday sculpture, which'll be final critiques (which i LOVE) so school is all ready and packed almost away, mentally. show'n sale cheques come tomorrow, and the rest of this week means attacking 120 ft (squared, of course) of canvas into submission, revealing the paint hidden beneath it's fibers for all to see. hopefully they are good so i don't have to attack them with blades. nobody likes blades. poor ice. maybe some more clouds and graffiti. maybe more graffiti than clouds this time around. MAYBE even just clouds or JUST graffiti. or MAYBE EVEN PERHAPS a face or three. who should i paint?!?! lets boost this creativity level upwards, with the power of suggestion!

i'm praying for jeff conrad to come move in. we're told to be specific in prayer so i figured i may as well just pray straight away for the person i WANT to move in. specific provision is always more of a testament to his power than generic prayers anyways. know what you want...

-back to painting. (or am i?!)

own that plot

how could i have so easily forgotten the deeper side of truth? love isn't cliche, and the symbols and associations regarding this biggest of issues shouldn't be an icon to present it in that way. but it has happened before and i'm sure it'll happen again. the times i've taken it the way i should've are the times that shouldn't have to fight to be remembered. there are things love is, then there are things love could be. not rational, not imposed in obligation, just ferocious desperate and unconditional. forgiveness.. the key to it all.. this up and down of knowledge is the only thing that's officially legitimate as worthy focus. press on and in and deep and through...

the lighter side of a good attitude.

winter - paralyzing, depressive, sleep inductive.. and many more common effects of winter people often feel. to those people i say- suck it up! the weather should never be a factor in the mental health and stability (ATTITUDE) of anyone strong enough to grasp their own emotions. maybe i'm overly optimistic, maybe i'm a psycho-heat-hater, or maybe my skin cells have it all wrong. but i can't help it, i love winter. it's my second favorite season (but really, they all are). but after a long absence of snow in my life, i just get a weather boner every time the sky goes white. it's excitement on a purely atmospheric level... however because of this amazing happening my arousal has caused me a desire to spread my joy to all you nay-sayers. my list of reasons why winter is awesome.

1. what other time can you roll a substance up into a ball, throw it into someones face and have them laugh instead of blaspheme? sure retaliation is in order, but then you can even clean up your bloodshed with what caused it! miracle.

2. a reason for warm soup belly. COME OOOOOOOOON! this could be all 10.

3. the wunnerful invention of putting blades on shoes, and gliding around on frozen water hitting each other and a black rubber disc with curved sticks. hockey should bring everyone joy.

4. that little nip on the tip of your nose, like a gentle flick of cold ass love telling you to wear a scarf. but i enjoy and love this little reminder of air temperature... it feels heavenly AND it makes everyone cute. EVERYONE.

5. mittens.

6. stressful road conditions which make you appreciate the ease of summertime driving. ALSO because of these extended times on the road, you now have at least 80% more time to jam out listening to music. don't be angry, be productive.

7. hill sports, an donuts (PS did not know that was how to spell donut. i had it in my head it was doughnut (however i am referring to sliding around in a parking lot in my car anyways so... irregardless). my error, but pleasant new simplistic discovery).

8. that first feeling of walking into a warm house smelling of hot chocolate and other bodies.

9. blankets, scarves, toques and woolies. accessories for the champions.

10. cuddling. its cold, so lets get close, no? this as well could be all 10.

so pretty much, winter is an opportunity. every chance you get, there is a moment to be seized. whether it is merely making you thankful for warmer air, getting you a new girlfriend or boyfriend via warmth, allowing 'past the falls' to play one more time, or just giving YOU an atmospheric weather boner, winter screams c'mon, use me'. and use it i shall...