lately... i haven't had a lot to be righteously angry about. my life is amazing. i'm learning tons about a lot of different things on a lot of different levels. i have the freedom to come and go wherever and whenever i please... (being home is one of these privileges that i have. the beautiful smell of home, familiar everything, left even as i left it 3 months ago. same awesome cat. same amazing parents.) nothing to stand in my way of happiness and challenge its right to exist. spiritual warfare? i'm on the winning side, how can that be a bad thing. atheistic opposition (SUCH AS- part 1 of zeitgeist, that adorably argumentative onlywhitemanontheisland in fiji, the 'response' to kent hovinds garden of eden video, and various completely-closed-with-no-chance-of-opening minded people we all run into every day)? through further understanding has become an ignorant joke compared to other levels of spiritual dissension. grief? never. my holy anger hasn't been stoked or even ignited in a long time. i see things with the world from a certain perspective and i try my best to love everyone i can.
tonight my dad told me of some arrangements made for a friend i have who is in the army. i've forever thought he'd go, get trained, maybe be a part of some political military nonsense then come home unharmed, untainted by death and destruction and i'd never have to worry about him. i knew he was going to afghanistan soon, and i understood the implications of him going there, but hearing quite possible arrangements for his... potential future status made everything real. i've only ever had one person in my family die, and we weren't that close. death isn't real to me in the way that it is for other people who've gone through the hardships and goodbyes. i went to see this friend last winter in DC and was for some reason feeling obligated to do so. he's a wonderful friend and DC is a wonderful place and i'm so pissed at my former self for even starting to feel ANY sort of obligation towards going, seeing now that it was potentially the last time to ever see him. all this hit me really quickly and really powerfully as my dad drove me home, explaining why certain arrangements must be made for someone stepping into the front lines of a war.
and for what? i want to say i support him and everything he does, that i'll be praying for him and that i know he's gonna be protected and taking care of. i'm GOING to be praying, but for the first time in my life i have a sense of hopelessness and that horrible feeling anyone gets when they realize they are completely out of any level of control in the situation. and i know i have to give it to God and let him handle my feeble little whispered prayers in hopes that he's respond with a resounding thundering bone shattering amen. and when he does as i KNOW he will, there's always the possibility that his answer will be hard to handle. realistically, either way, someone is going to die. at either end of the weapon, there will be death. i've never known what allows someone to be driven to the point of wanting to end someone else's life, or for what reason it could ever be justified. regardless of my friend's status before.. within.. after his missions, i can't ever morally support evil on that level. i want to scream 'i hate the fucking army' (and i fucking do...) but that won't end it, and it won't change anyone's mind about it. i wish i would have taken the time to invest in his life more and persuade him to other methods of life living, instead of sitting back and idly watching him sign his life to an overinflated sense of patriotism.
so.... for the first time i'm faced with the real fear of death. not for me, but for a brother. and there isn't a thing i can do about it. hours ago i was reading a book called 'forgotten God', all about how the church has failed to attempting to comprehend the Holy Spirit and harnessing His wonderful gifts. francis chan challenged me to let Him lead me, as i've been trying to do for awhile now. it's not like my faith is gonna allow me to teleport above my friend, take him under my arm and teleport back out, but it will allow me to TRUST that good does prevail, regardless of the evils that plague us. it sucks that it only took a few hours of pondering before being tested with it, but what choice do we have? if we can't turn to God in the bad times, how the hell are we gonna stay with Him in the good times? and the other way around. i asked for this... time to trust. for a year of a friend in afghanistan. then someone else the year after that. then every other situation in between.
God please give me help.
4 comments:
I'd just like to point out that religious ethnocentrism is exactly the kind of totalitarian extremism that the wars in Iraq and (especially) Afghanistan are supposedly taking place to prevent.
To claim that your religion is the only true path and dismiss other beliefs (including atheism) as an "ignorant joke" is pretty offensive.
It's exactly that kind of thinking that has caused all conflicts between religions, and between religion and non-religion.
I will say this for my atheist beliefs, it's made me incredibly more tolerant of all cultures and other beliefs. Believing in "nothing" leaves me in a position to appreciate everything.
it's hard to contextualize who i mean by 'athiestic opposition' when i made that generalization from personal experiences.. i got lazy instead of specific, and for that i apologize. to be honest because of your openness and appreciation of everything i've had a hard time labeling you as athiest, because like you seeing me as the ethnocentric christian, all i've been seeing from the athiest community has been the exact same dismissal of other believes- which you seem to be free of. generalizing anyone into any category always gives the misinterpretation that comes with assumption... that goes all different directions, and i don't think anyone is truly free of that. to claim to be something (anything) means to have chosen it instead of everything else, and there is no way to hold anything else on the same level of personal value. sometimes values change, sometimes they never do. sometimes it seeps out in impassioned expressions like this post, and then gets called out. tough luck learn a lesson and move on...
I absolutely agree with that assessment of the atheistic community at large - or at least the ones that seek public attention. I'd like to believe that one day this sort of discussion will simply be moot because the world will have come to terms with difference and accepted it non-judgmentally.
I think, too, that a lot of atheists don't recognize their values as "belief" but take for granted that their ideologies are fact. I support your objection to that and I agree.
I would argue that both our beliefs are just that. I urge you not to think of your religion as fact either; it can be challenged, it can be transformed, and it can be improved - always.
The beauty of religion is it is based on faith, not fact. There is a duplicity in that essential piece that both strengthens and makes vulnerable all belief systems, and I think it is that vulnerability that is threatening to most. To try to erase that component of religion by claiming it is fact is objectionable to the religion itself, and to all others of different beliefs.
That's not what you're doing, it's just an observation I'm making right now.
Hope you have a good Christmas! Say Hi to the family for me?
flippen amen. this is why you are my best friend. i SHALL say hi to the family. expect an american letter this time around ; )
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