Aug 28, 2009
let us flounder in achievement
we recognize publicly the things we've done so other people can recognize the potential in us to be better than them. it shouldn't be the case but sometimes those masks become our skin and we forget what really lies beneath. i can do, i will do, i did... gathering and trading stories as social currency.. exchanging situational monetary for longing sighs and renewed/created ambitions in our observers.. whatever place they hold us in their roster of companions is always one or two shy of where we want to be. the attention we vie for is the drug that allows us to forget how we were made and the compromises we'd make in order to fulfill the communal prescription we've all applied for. promises kept push us further into the prison we've allowed ourselves to be herded into... the few free try with justified angst to break our chains but we are afraid of what that freedom will bring us. unsure and afraid we slink back into the dark chambers of our vain containment so we can reflect upon our reflection. if image is everything then life is nothing.
white balloons... 3:40 of the purest escapism. but it's not really escaping... it's truly living
there are some songs that should only be played in the most passionate moments, with the loudest speakers and emotions present... any other situation in which they are played cheapens the existence of the song by cutting it off from the full potential that lives inside of it.
Aug 18, 2009
if i said we could be anything, would you say lets be everything?
would you?!?! (thank you kiros for the profoundly encouraging thought food) i... love being busy. normally when i'm in michigan i'm starved for people because i spend most days along waiting for people to happen upon my bored pending life. this time has been fantastic because i've been painting my house (which when i'm not lazy is a good 5+ hours) which gives me 1)money 2)paint on my skin 3)creative angst because i can't do anything creative (because c'mon... it's on the outside. lets be professional (uggnh...)) 4)glorious amounts of think time (which helps me reflect upon all that i learned through my DTS and how i'm going to apply it in my real 're-entry' (cuz michigan isn't real life (at this point in my life)) 5)musical appreciation 6)constant contact with fresh air...
1) i need it. i have a handful of car options (keeping emily is also an option... but probably if not definite immediate upkeep upon calgary arrival...) all of which are going to take a toll on my money that has miraculously not been sucked away by my travels (hallelujah praise GOD!). if a new car happens, i need some back up for at least one month of rent... i know i can get a job but going back into my house means i need to be able to afford... one month.. with one less roommate and food.. it'll work out. prayer is kicking butt in a very functional way.
2) i miss school. seeing paint on my skin an clothes gets me super pumped to get acrylicy once school begins and has started ideas rolling into my head for me to produce and experiment with... i have no direction other than wanting to make people think for themselves whilst smiling. joy and knowledge.. mirth and understanding... harmony and PERSPECTIVE....
3) it's been awhile since i've actually done anything creative. i've got lots to draw... mainly.. no entirely all tattoos. so i have a 'to do' list but i'm not gonna start until school starts and i'm magically able to focus instead of play with my brothers, friends, frisbee, mind.. it's a good thing that happens. BUT this angst is motivating me to cherish the times i can be creative and has allowed a longing to form. i wanna paint on this world. in every sense of that statement.
4) cripes... mindlessly scraping loose paint chips off of a brick wall which supports the roof over my head lets me tackle the residissues (swish. count it.) leftover from DTS... girl crap... career crap... spiritual crap... tattoo goodness... goodness this could last (and hopefully will) forever. if i have nothing to wrestle with i've settle quietly into apathy and i fear that. settling on pretty much anything is at least mildly apathetic and i don't want my grubby hands on any of that... not on girls, not on career, not on spirituality... especially not on tattoos... my former fears have been dissolved into knowing what place fear should have in my life, which is nil in respecting the ONLY thing that should be feared in this existence (ie yahweh). but i'm not perfect and i'm still so weak so many things do plague me. my power over it only goes so far when the realities of my life haven't been brought to the surface yet. i used to fear being alone, but now i just fear being with the wrong person. i'm never ever gonna be alone so that scratches that out entirely, (God isn't ever gonna let go of my hand) so now i just have to watch out for settling for good enough (which happens to be the biggest enemy to perfection (right... correct... destined (thanks jess))) i fear i've planted too many seeds and now they are out to be watered and i don't have the resources to do so. i'm too picky, patient and positive (on what i know that i know that i know what i need in someone) and/or something! i know i'm never gonna be a part of 'normal' society because i've been set apart and dishonouring that by joining up with it would be a gigantic crime against the nature i've been destined too. hmm that's just the tip of the iceberg. i've started for REAL writing things down (my thoughts... dreams... ideas... future love letters... AKA JOURNAL) and doing that satisfies my need to be heard so i can better discern what to share verbally with others and what to keep inside for the future... emotions are FWP as well. seems i have changed...
5) flip. no explanation needed. i'm shamelessly addicted to what sets me off and moves my soul. it's screaming. it's metal. it's acoustic. it's melody and harmony. in my frivolous opinion i have the best taste in the world.
6) we weren't meant to live in cages... but we like our cages and we like them painted on the outside. (c'mon, it's just common 'keep your house from falling apart' sense.) any reason to interact with creation (minus f***ing wasps nests (though murdering them is still interaction)) is a good excuse to indulge in one of my elements of rest.
i wish i could sum myself up in one word. i can't, because that would be almost definitive, and i refuse to be labeled. even by myself. sadly milk commercials nail me... grow always. high five calcium...
1) i need it. i have a handful of car options (keeping emily is also an option... but probably if not definite immediate upkeep upon calgary arrival...) all of which are going to take a toll on my money that has miraculously not been sucked away by my travels (hallelujah praise GOD!). if a new car happens, i need some back up for at least one month of rent... i know i can get a job but going back into my house means i need to be able to afford... one month.. with one less roommate and food.. it'll work out. prayer is kicking butt in a very functional way.
2) i miss school. seeing paint on my skin an clothes gets me super pumped to get acrylicy once school begins and has started ideas rolling into my head for me to produce and experiment with... i have no direction other than wanting to make people think for themselves whilst smiling. joy and knowledge.. mirth and understanding... harmony and PERSPECTIVE....
3) it's been awhile since i've actually done anything creative. i've got lots to draw... mainly.. no entirely all tattoos. so i have a 'to do' list but i'm not gonna start until school starts and i'm magically able to focus instead of play with my brothers, friends, frisbee, mind.. it's a good thing that happens. BUT this angst is motivating me to cherish the times i can be creative and has allowed a longing to form. i wanna paint on this world. in every sense of that statement.
4) cripes... mindlessly scraping loose paint chips off of a brick wall which supports the roof over my head lets me tackle the residissues (swish. count it.) leftover from DTS... girl crap... career crap... spiritual crap... tattoo goodness... goodness this could last (and hopefully will) forever. if i have nothing to wrestle with i've settle quietly into apathy and i fear that. settling on pretty much anything is at least mildly apathetic and i don't want my grubby hands on any of that... not on girls, not on career, not on spirituality... especially not on tattoos... my former fears have been dissolved into knowing what place fear should have in my life, which is nil in respecting the ONLY thing that should be feared in this existence (ie yahweh). but i'm not perfect and i'm still so weak so many things do plague me. my power over it only goes so far when the realities of my life haven't been brought to the surface yet. i used to fear being alone, but now i just fear being with the wrong person. i'm never ever gonna be alone so that scratches that out entirely, (God isn't ever gonna let go of my hand) so now i just have to watch out for settling for good enough (which happens to be the biggest enemy to perfection (right... correct... destined (thanks jess))) i fear i've planted too many seeds and now they are out to be watered and i don't have the resources to do so. i'm too picky, patient and positive (on what i know that i know that i know what i need in someone) and/or something! i know i'm never gonna be a part of 'normal' society because i've been set apart and dishonouring that by joining up with it would be a gigantic crime against the nature i've been destined too. hmm that's just the tip of the iceberg. i've started for REAL writing things down (my thoughts... dreams... ideas... future love letters... AKA JOURNAL) and doing that satisfies my need to be heard so i can better discern what to share verbally with others and what to keep inside for the future... emotions are FWP as well. seems i have changed...
5) flip. no explanation needed. i'm shamelessly addicted to what sets me off and moves my soul. it's screaming. it's metal. it's acoustic. it's melody and harmony. in my frivolous opinion i have the best taste in the world.
6) we weren't meant to live in cages... but we like our cages and we like them painted on the outside. (c'mon, it's just common 'keep your house from falling apart' sense.) any reason to interact with creation (minus f***ing wasps nests (though murdering them is still interaction)) is a good excuse to indulge in one of my elements of rest.
i wish i could sum myself up in one word. i can't, because that would be almost definitive, and i refuse to be labeled. even by myself. sadly milk commercials nail me... grow always. high five calcium...
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