already with it

i've decided... that in order to validate my 'practice' as a situationist, i need to be doing 'more'. to produce the fruit of creativity, i delegated to myself the task of creating daily rituals to give myself a constant stream of projects to work on. a few things i have written in my artist journal are:

-setting up a daily ritual. daily.
-count the times i say 'whaaaaaaat' in a day.
-continue a train of thought into a short story.
-quotes. everywhere. fill this book.
-jef is a fuck. in scrabble.
-the heart game.
-read guy debord.
-document any 'morder'.

a few of these have been started, and have no definitive end date/goal. they just are, and having them exist in my own little world of artistic living is enough to validate it as 'work' and therefore will get me a 'grade' i can use to go out into the world and ignore my degree with. i seem to feel the most productive when i create a list, and do 10% of it and allow myself a 3-4 week break from it. once those weeks are up, i've already created/established another set of rules i can do once and then disregard. i want to call it research and process, but a lot of me can't handle accepting this as productivity. HOWEVER amongst all this, my grad piece has been decided, and i've never been more excited about a project before in my life. i can justify and validate this sucker for all i am worth... i just have to convince myself and my instructors that it took all this nonsense to come up with it. which i shall! because if art school has taught me anything, it is how to justify aka bullshit. all this to gratify my need to produce, which in these processes i take breaks to actually make art, which i find way harder to justify AS art since they mean a lot less, but still satisfy my need to make stuff pretty and get attention for it.

i've identified some key strengths of mine which i count as artistic mediums.

- gathering and connecting people
- partying
- words
- my opinion
- my clothes
- wanderlust.

who needs paint. well, eventually, WE will since i require you and you and you for my grad piece.

(whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat count:
11/28/10 - 5
11/29/10 - 1
11/30/10 - 3)

biggest disappointment of the day: no eggs when 45% of my grilled cheese was complete. the epitome of settling.

biggest unexpected surprise of the day: hermione side boob.

biggest realization of the day: i hate relationships. i love being single. why would i go out of my way to change that.

biggest nono of the day: scab picking tattoo. it's so ACCESSIBLE on my arm. danger. i hadn't felt guilty until that last one.

biggest weekly activity anticipation of the day: devil wears prada tickets.

biggest joy boost of the day: a 'hug it out' hug from jay.




for marc.

but then when the words hurt instead of heal, how do i respond to that?

then crawl under a rug and let Christ do what you can't.

the mysteries and complexities... the joys and sorrows. one of my best friends had a baby the other day. he is the first of my immediate core to create something better than he ever has before. i'm proud, intrigued, jealous, curious, awestruck, and hilariously happy. i feel like i've never had a more justified reason to go visit a friend before. and of course, i can't. no, no, that is BS. i fully can, i just fully SHOULDN'T. when i know better is also when i know best... and that is conflicting and restricting but self preserving and respecting. all i can do is send up my thanks and make fun of scottie for conceiving (in all probability) on his wedding night.

i started work at 9:00 am at -23 degrees today. i loved it. i felt like a man, a canadian, truly worthy to be weathering the weather (huh.) and not crying like an ape without a banana. we didn't work long, and 9 hours later my toes are still cold. i've been told normally we don't work when it is this cold, but because we are building a show home and deadlines must be met, we are working hard out at 3/4 speed. everything truly is slower in the winter. i wonder if scout will start tomorrow...

there are only so many things i can let roll off of my back. i'm finding things that sting and suck and challenge me in ways i haven't dealt with before. and there is very little i can do about it. and i'm ok within myself that dealing with it is hard.

that sam-i-am!
that sam-i-am!
i do not like that sam-i-am!

do you like green eggs and ham?

i do not like them sam-i-am.
i do not like green eggs and ham.

would you like them here or there?

i would not like them here or there.
i would not like them anywhere.
i do not like green eggs and ham.
i do not like them, sam-i-am.

would you like them in a house?
would you like them with a mouse?

i do not like them in a house.
i do not like them with a mouse.
i do not like them here or there.
i do not like them anywhere.
i do not like green eggs and ham.
i do not like them, sam-i-am.

would you eat them in a box?
would you eat them with a fox?

not in a box.
not with a fox.
not in a house.
not with a mouse.
i would not eat them here or there.
i would not eat them anywhere.
i would not eat green eggs and ham.
i would not like them, sam-i-am.

would you? could you? in a car?
eat them! eat them! here they are.

i would not, could not, in a car.

you may like them. you will see.
you may like them in a tree!

i would not, could not in a tree.
not in a car! you let me be.
i do not like them in a box.
i do not like them with a fox.
i do not like them in a house.
i do not like them with a mouse.
i do not like them here or there.
i do not like them anywhere.
i do not like green eggs and ham.
i do not like them, sam-i-am.

a train! a train! a train! a train!
could you, would you, on a train?

not on a train! not in a tree!
not in a car! sam! let me be!
i would not, could not, in a box.
i could not, would not, with a fox.
i will not eat them with a mouse.
i will not eat them in a house.
i will not eat them here or there.
i will not eat them anywhere.
i do not like green eggs and ham.
i do not like them, sam-i-am.

say! in the dark?
here in the dark!
would you, could you, in the dark?

i would not, could not, in the dark.

would you, could you, in the rain?

i would not, could not, in the rain.
not in the dark, not on a train.
not in a car. not in a tree.
i do not like them, sam, you see.
not in a house. not in a box.
not with a mouse. not with a fox.
i will not eat them here or there.
i do not like them anywhere!

you do not like green eggs and ham?

i do not like them, sam-i-am.

could you, would you, with a goat?

i would not, could not, with a goat!

would you, could you, on a boat?

i could not, would not, on a boat.
i will not, will not, with a goat.
i will not eat them in the rain.
i will not eat them on a train.
not in the dark!
not in a tree!
not in a car!
you let me be!
i do not like them in a box.
i do not like them with a fox.
i will not eat them in a house.
i do not like them with a mouse.
i do not like them here or there.
i do not like them ANYWHERE!
i do not like green eggs and ham!
i do not like them, sam-i-am.

you do not like them.
so you say.
try them! try them!
and you may.
try them and you may, i say.

sam!
if you will let me be,
i will try them.
you will see.
say! i like green eggs and ham!
i do! i like them sam-i-am!
and i would eat them in a boat.
and i would eat them with a goat..
and i will eat them in the rain.
and in the dark. and on a train.
and in a car. and in a tree.
they are so good, so good, you see!
so i will eat them in a box.
and i will eat them with a fox.
and i will eat them in a house.
and i will eat them with a mouse.
and i will eat them here or there.
say! i will eat them ANYWHERE!
i do so like green eggs and ham!
thank you!
thank you,
sam-i-am!

.

see what i did there? bam. take that, problems.


. .this is life. .


libby thora mcdonald. way to be mr. and mrs. mcdonald.

what happens then when the fiery reflection reveals something you didn't want to see?

you cool off the flames with words... you ice queen.

again and again i recommit myself to doing well in academia. and YET again and again i flounder forth and struggle to maintain the focus necessary to flourish. have i lost my passion? pieces of it, yes. but the other passionate remnants thrive on trying to find their lost counterparts, which i think is far more interesting than something working perfectly anyways. and DOCUMENTING it. now THAT is art, justified and worth an inner acknowledgement (and stare of resentment) to the dealers of grades. trading value for self worth since 1991.

within my feeble efforts to attain something, many projects have sprouted themselves up from the writhing mess of ideas and yelled 'i am BETTER FOR THEE!', a bidding to which i cannot ignore. i am a situationist, dealing with identity and disruption using art and random documentation. THIS is my focus, THIS is my motto mantra and manifest to follow and uphold.

- once the spring comes, i'll be taking my shoes off whenever i encounter grass. like a true canadian to carpet.
- be aware of situations involving high intensity anger and confrontation that quoting green eggs and ham will ALWAYS be the best solution.
- i've decided to memorize ephesians. i need to do something new that will actually make me enticed by the word. this is new. this is good. this is life, therefore art. as per the advice of a respected leader in my life, i need to find someone who will do this with me. i have had zero success so far. the battle continues.
- i have a habit of wearing clothes out very easily. to combat this, every time i wear through a shoe or a shirt or HEAVEN FORBID a tie, i'll be nailing it to a plaque-ish wood plank and covering it in gel medium, preserving it forever as a personal artifact. then i will proceed to write a letter to the article of clothing to let it know how thankful and appreciative i was of it, and for all the good times and memories i'll have associated with it.
- write on more stuff. everything. specifically the sidewalk. poems. with spray paint. this feels right to me.
- continue portraits. i love them, and they make me feel successful. i love who is in them and how they are reacted to when seen.


. .that is art. .


the best most legitimate critical face ever. well done rachelle. the world is gonna be all like 'DAAAAAAMN get off my case'.

what do you do when you haven't met yourself in awhile?

look in the mirror, and light it on fire. with your mind...

also, i've recently come across a butt ton of new music. first was the road trip with the musically tasteful jay, who showed me many new metal bands and toured me through the intricate differences through all of the metal families, where who came from, what who is about, and how awesome who is on stage. it was very glorious. today while finding album art for all my blank bands on itunes, i came across a blog that has proven REVOLUTIONARY so far.. out of the ... bands.. from a list... that was 4 1/2 hours ago. flip. here's the link

k no i lied. it's gone. but the good news is i have album art for 99% of my itunes. through this process, i discovered 5 bands (+5 from what jay showed me /concerts), and 5 new albums, some of which have led to even MORE band discoveries, which now will set me up for yet another year of sifting through, deciding what i love and what i like and what i want to share. crazy. i was gonna clean my room but i haven't had the CHANCE yet. hooray for being overwhelmed with goodness.

dredg.
in flames.
animals as leaders.
circa survive.
manchester orchestra.
P.O.S.
miss may i.
asking alexandria.
mos def.

and i've been reunited with and introduced to bands LIKE

norma jean.
a day to remember.
radiohead (mystery in rainbow tracks i've never heard).
thrice.
story of the year.
demon hunter.
broken bells.
of mice and men.
punk goes pop VOLUME 3 DAAAAAAAAAMN.

. .that is music. .


i've never wanted a tattoo based off of a album cover before. but this stirred something fierce inside of me.

i have so much to say

i could write it all out and pretty like.

but.. why...?