the engagement... will be brief.

inappropriate morbid question of the day: if you accidentally slit your wrists, would they believe you?

i've been rolling some dice lately. some pretty hefty presumptuous dice. and it's all been coming up snake eyes. vixen snake eyes. seductive, tantalizing and seemingly within grasp- and then smoke, mist, a cold morning's breath unto a summer's shoulder. mostly i've lost a tidbit of money, some dignity, and more time spent contemplating than time spent actualizing (either way, wasting). there are decisions in my near future that have the chance to be chanced upon. to this i say to future tyler, no more. you take that deadline attitude and stick it up academia's ass.

this attitude has landed me a sometimes complimentary but often frowned upon association with ted mosby. heralded example: always rsvp-ing 'with guest' to a wedding. in the light of a summer full of weddings, this gambling temptation has led me to NOT rsvp to sit and ponder this decision. had i already gone ahead and sent the rsvp, i would have undoubtedly selected 'guest'. also, had the invitation not asked for a name, i wouldn't of thought twice about it. but alas, it asked for whom this guest would be. i couldn't think of a name so i balked and walked (new rhyme phrase, validate that please conductor) and with joy i sit here and throw the dice off of the table, and select 'one please. just me. yeah i'm alone, and i do not give a shit.'

the problem with THIS solution is i lead me to believe that there will be a slough of beautiful single girls ready to be wooed and cuddled with, to which i boldly answer to no question 'challenge accepted'. this expectation is usually handled within the first three minutes of arrival, in which i see only beautiful coupled girls, ready to be introduced to and ignored. immediately i start planning my exit strategy, texting people to ask 'what IS up' and how i can find an excuse to leave this wonderful ceremony of love. oh yes, indulgence follows me everywhere, and it knows it's all about me (hey, ten years from now tyler, remember when we were sitting here thinking 'grow up'? i hope you grew the fuck up).

the long skinny square of it is, someone dropped an a-bomb on me recently and reminded me God needs me for awhile before i can pour 150% of myself into a relationship. so here i sit. here i stay. here i shut my eyes and curl into a ball and think about how annoying girls are. not pretty(awesome) or soft(ener) or wonderful(ly crafty) or sly(in the hot way). i just reminded myself of the reminder and remembered that i couldn't be here ignoring my grad project glorifying my stream of consciousness if there was a sleepy lovely warm girl coaxing me into bed. that is a battle i will lose every time. so SO hello 3 am, sleep deprivation, full on 2nd year productivity and self respect.

what? banjo music? slicing through my heart...

no more half assing it.

23. ambush under repair.

this is where i rest. in my bed. not on the expectation that it's going to work out the way i want.

i did some fun stuff today. grasped being 'productive' in a whole new way. being humble and accepting the challenge of the task i set for myself half a year ago, regardless of the outcome... at least trying to be. i have a lot of pride in the people i associate with. i destroyed my heart and began repairing it again. again. reinforced with a new sense of purpose... or spray foam. whichever is stickier at the beginning. feasted with lovelies and did more intake than desired with the tv... but mostly feasted with lovelies. if it's a sin to enjoy company this much then i don't want to be righteous. plus you know... indian food. damn.

i'm nervous. tomorrow i go to visit the jr high where i'm gonna be visiting as an artist (what?! shit scared) for five days. i get to help them paint a mural. i have no idea what i expect or what i want them to attempt. or if they'll even want to participate or interact with me. i'm immediately intimidated by the thought of young ones that i haven't met yet. but. tomorrow is just where i get to meet them. laced with frisbee- so i get a spot of extra comfort. noooot worried. just. on tenterhooks about it. but minor tenterhooks (because that word shant just be used once). very excited at the potential for this.

lots going on. lots to distract me from the lots going on. d. d d. d dangerzone. i'm naming my daughter lana.

lead shredder II.

sean claims to be making breakfast in the morning. but he says it's at 6:30. and he's not gonna wake me up. which means for the first time since last summer, i have to will myself out of bed at this wonderful time (i'm serious i love actually getting up this early) for an actual justified reason. YEAH you wish you were me (hugs self).

me'n deej had the giggle fits. nobody can ever know why. but one day you'll know. (taps nose knowingly). but not now. nor ever.

but you should know, that thursday night was a fantastic night. the good ones always brew out of plans that weren't made yet. and the ones that were made were just... disregarded. or shooed away by police. into an unexpected tizzy of frazzled excitement and plan-grasping. complacent social desperation is a wonderful enabler for the extroverted introvert. ...

that sentence was complete bogus. not that thursday wasn't fun, but because i sacrificed cohesive sentence structure for a chance to latch words together in hopes that they would made and produce sentence babies. these were the condom babies that were not planned.

(shoots flaming arrow into the air) let's play THIS game.

then drool a little.

lead shredder.

once again it's that time of the heart where i tell it what's what, then because it doesn't listen i get someone else to tell it what's what, THEN because it doesn't listen God steps in and tells it what's what, THEN THEN because it doesn't listen God steps in and tells someone else to tell it what's what, and then for a fraction of a second, we get it. i say to my heart, oh man, we actually have this, don't we? whatever heart face portrays agreement is what it makes, and we strategically sail onwards and upwards, away from the gravitational pull of crap we like to be dragged through.

claiming victories, and running headlong into the proposed plan of my Lord and Savi-----______-----------//////>>>>>>>>>>>>>>......

........<<<<<<<\\\\\\\\\\----____-oooooooh shit. that is the typing interpretation of falling of the wagon into a pile of poop and getting dragged along for awhile before realizing where i am. ahhhhhhhhh damn. i was doing so good. can i still roll with the punches when i smell like idolatry? i can fling my arms around in a stinky flingy manner but it doesn't mean i'm going to hit anything.

to be fair, i'm really REALLY good at distracting myself. or focusing on the things that, yeah, i'm probably supposed to be doing anyways. let's list this up.

1. lead shredding. aka drawing tattoos. i just finished my first true intended portfolio piece and i am stoooooked on it. it's going on claire, and it's a half-ish sleeve, and it's gonna look hot. i drew another quick one right after and am thrilled with it as well. mystery intendee. and am now starting the first of three more actual half sleeves. taking the month of may off to actually get this + portfolio done. God please don't laugh at my plans... they feel so good...

2. memorizing ephesians. ohhh what a fail. still not even done the first chapter. but ask me the first 14 verses? i'll give you AT LEAST .. 12 of them. with 80% accuracy. i've motivated myself by coaxing t-berg to draw me up the tattoo i'm gonna get when i've actually accomplished this goal. game on, element of TIME.

3. ultimate. i'm playing on two teams, possibly three if i make it through try-outs on the travel team, plus practices. i'm prepared for a butt ton of disc. i'm not obsessed. i am just deeply in love with this sport, and want everyone else to experience the joy it holds.

4. friggen... graduation and new york. nothing else to say other'n the bonus acknowledgment of getting to see my parents. and bringing them to family dinner.

5. man church. knights of my spiritual round table. i've never felt more privileged to spend intimate time with these lads. we share, we grow, we drink, we celebrate.

(slams hand on the table with a note that says 'yes.' on it.) take it God. you know what's what.

three mistakes.

1. having a great day. this can only mean tomorrow is at best, only going to match today. which would just be redundant.

2. i got myself a twitter. i instantly regret this because a) i now have yet another social outlet to disrupt my actual social outlets. like drinking and smoking and challenging people to lengthy wordy speak offs in which my inarticulate ass will always lose. b) i am instantly enraged that it won't allow me to modify my profile to the specific AND REQUIRED aesthetic i desire. there are very clear guidelines on 'edit profile' that deem my truly enthralling background qualified, yet no such action is taken when 'save changes' is submitted. truly devastating. now i sit in the purgatorial bliss of mediocrity with default settings. c) ... it's twitter. the name makes me feel like a jr high girl. but the justifications...

unintended innuendo. read that out loud as a break from the mistake. did you just die a little?! ugh. i'm in love with the combination of two words. i'm sorry mom, this will never conceive a grandchild for you. yet.

3. having several moments of diabolical laughter that will surely come back and stand over my tattered emotions saying 'i knew i'd make you RUE the day you didn't take me seriously!'. but not actually. there were some redemptive moments today that required the laugh. the real mistake was not seizing that moment sooner.

a rebekah retort

tradesies?

so what'd you do to get in here?

didn't they tell you? i'm innocent.



i don't know if that is the actual quote or not.. but it sure is how i feel. i'm in the midst of a maddeningly up and down roller coaster that changes tracks daily. it's super annoying and it makes me super neurotic. mental stability is a privilege, not a requirement apparently.

so here's what i can do. i can keep chipping away. i don't even know what i'm chipping at anymore. or what i'm imprisoned in, or what is on the other side. i could just stay in this spot, in the middle of a tunnel, and just lay here and die (dramatic much? though like i've heard and said before... if we're not growing, we're dying). i could crawl back the way i've came and find myself in the same place i desired to get out of before.

so here's what i WILL do. i don't have answers for myself. for you i could conjure up something fierce and specific and send you on your way. i can't do this for myself. i'm gonna go thataway -> the direction i hope i've been heading and hope that even this counts as a little meaningless whispered prayer that gets a loud resounding thunderous response. the enemy has chosen this as his weapon against me, and i must combat the darkness surging behind me and the emptiness leaking in around me with the motivation and hope that THIS is the way to go, that when i break through i'll have my moment of kneeling in shit while rejoicing in the glorious cleansing rain falling all around me.



and in the meantime i'll look at the most beautiful images like this and remember not to take life so seriously. thank you wonderful stranger. (and http://fuckyeahtattoos.tumblr.com/ for always providing such gold. best tattoo site yet)

.#

i typed in 'd' in the web address bar and 'dictionary.com' was the first site to come up... what comes first is what is used most. the word i desired was 'flippant'.

i turned a frustrating communication day into a productive fantastinight.

.

minus the bear.

instagram, and what puppies do to me.

tattoooooooooooooooooooos. drawing, reforming AND REFINING ideals, future ideas, and general acceptance and love for my desired future.

varathane, for all it's enabling qualities.

intros to songs with rainy weather and stringed instruments. followed by very loud lovely noises and passion.

any songs with stringed instruments and very loud lovely noises and passion.

anticipation for a concert involving VERY loud lovely noises and passion- and therefore moshing, dancing, throwing and bruising. and then eating.

canmore.

the arts, and the wine.

the spanish language, but specifically the word 'mamacita'.

leftovers from my most successful art venture ever.

discin wednesdays, and the soontobeintroduction of 'she likes pigeons' into the CU world.

sweatpants.

this just in: you SUCK uninforming establishment!

because not everyone is on facebook...

OH NO BAD NEWS!!
hello everyone. i have some news that, while may not devastate you, has certainly taken my level of contentedness from mildly anxious to slightly stressed and pissed off. good thing florence and her machine are present to sooth me.

so the 'due date' that i have claimed as accurate IS NO LONGER SO! i was dropped on to a sheet of information that claimed i needed my art in for installation by april 30th, which means i'm gonna need a week to actually DO the work, which means i need your documentation in by APRIL 24.

i hope this doesn't place an extra burden on your surely busy lives, but i do hope that you still see this through with me. let me know if you have any questions, be well, art hard, mess stuff up.

-t.

the new freshnesssssssssssssss

Jesus taught by touching things.. hot damn.

i wrote a rap about my new socks.

drop a twenty, up a six pair
in this world of mine, that be super rare
leaving all these dimes in all these times
girl you don't even know

white fuzzy clean gonna make you scream
grey splotches of design, damn why you gotta be so fine
taking what i used to know
and replacing with what i want to FILAAAAAAA

yeah it happened, yeah it's got a name
brand dependency, still the reason for the game
but mostly i can't stitch because it's a little bitch
feet ain't worth that

fit on my toes gonna get me all the hoes
fit in my toms girl, you'd best be gettin some pom poms
this is gonna... this is.... this is redundant.

i just really like new socks. that fit. so fresh'n so clean CLEAN

damn word diggity yo, thought i was done but then i'm all like NO
this beat can't be stopped this rhyme can't be tamed
all them socks with holes prepare to be royally shamed

it'll take at least three weeks to ruin you so live it up nowwwwah
if we happen across some mud i'll just bring you into the shooowwwwwwwah
set you alight with fire, make all ya'll see your powwwwwwwwwah
take you up some stairs put you on up there hell yeah we're in a towwwwwwwah

but i just bought flippy floppies so this is only gonna last a few weeks.

confession. tyler likes girls.

double confession. tyler likes nerdy girls. i won't try to classify them in any other way. secret nerds are pretty exciting, but girls who have embraced their adorably mis-stepped socialization skills are even more exciting. there is an un-tamable confidence behind someone who doesn't give a crap what people think about them. and just enjoy doing what they do. some people could call them crazy or unstable or awkward or annoying. i think i could call them innovative or revolutionary or wonderfully destructive.

one female nerd friend (though i'm sure 'geek' is a more accurate term, but screw it, let's blur those lines) of mine showed me this barbarically amazing website-

http://www.geekologie.com/

and because of her/YOU i have stumbled across a whole big mess of things i didn't know i actually loved (like the return of f***ing censorship). one being vlogs. of people i don't know, which sucks because i won't ever meet them. but they are wonderful and creative and (ten bucks if you can tell me who i found alexandra, and or whom am slightly embarrassed to be intrigued with (BUT CAN'T HELP IT!!!)) contagiously happy people, who just spout whatever they want onto the web for people to hopefully watch and listen to. AND THEY DO! and i don't know why. but that's hot. and i am attracted to that shit. and now all of the sudden i have more things to kill time with. FOR SHAME! living the dream of gaining the attention that is so attractive on a superficial level... yet so satisfying when acknowledged.

it reminds me of the time i used to skateboard down hills and ... attempt to rant about whatever was on my mind whilst i maintained balance. if nobody ever would have commented, i want to think that i would've kept going. but it sure did make me feel good when a comment or two of joyful interaction awaited me the next morning. it makes me think what i am actually seeking with my actions... my doings.. when i am being. maybe vying for that attention is the reaction to the thrill of relationship. it's like a solo paint show vs. a mosh pit. i love the intimacy and intention behind setting aside valuable time for showing off what i sometimes do, but i love the primal loss of body control when a good song is playing and my interaction is totally impersonal but intentional because without people to be bashing into, it'd just be me dancing around like a fool by myself (which is fine, but other fools sure help maximize the loss of dignity and the acceleration of adrenaline). the disjointed and un-concluded POINT is, my actions are heavily influenced by the reaction i get TO those actions, whether participatory or observant. and thus makes me think i could not get the same joy out of life if i chose to do it alone.

i am an extrovert. plain and simple. at a party, i don't need alcohol to get all tipsy and hyper and loud (if you could call me a water balloon, liquor would be the soapy lubrication around the latex as you tried to throw me), people do that to me. there are a bunch of design students upstairs working. their work bores me. but THEY intrigue me and because i sat in a room watching a tv with them i am hyper beyond justification, and unable to sleep. i wasn't hungry but i ate waffles anyways so i could spend another 12 minutes with them. staring. but being. i heard a cliche quote the other day... we're human beings, not human doings. which makes me think- why am i doing anything beyond interacting with other be-ers around me?! i haven't thought of an answer to that other than i am an introvert as well, and those instances are moments to satisfy that far less demanding side of my soul.

and... i just... proved my own ADD. which i find i do a LOT lately.. i start something, any task really, and while i keep it in my head in absolute focus, one wee little thing comes up and interrupts my precious flow and i can't help but follow that distraction until closure, and then find myself curious as to what i was doing, then get back to it EVENTUALLY because another 7 distractions happen to me. and i get the task done, believe you me. but. i'm beginning to laugh at myself a lot at the amount of time i spend trying to remember what i was doing and what i needed to say 3 minutes ago. i wonder the process other people go through to follow a thought through to completion. i must document this somehow.. also, nerd girls with tattoos are like... unnngh.. unfair to my motivation to maintain female sobriety. hopefully this inability to stick with one thing doesn't transfer over into my pursuits of actual girl. s. no. i debunk that right now. i am ferociously and self-containingly loyal to the idea of a girl. and i can't let it go until closure is achieved. is that wrong? or limiting? why did i ever pray for patience... cuz i've got it. i don't need more. k. k. k. i've ACTUALLY got it. formula for happiness.

(under the context of bringing the Kingdom and trying to love Christ)

get inspired by shit. create shit. share created shit. intake more shit. output more shit. ))<>(( is FAR more genius that i gave it credit for... cripes. marry. have kids. teach them to make shit.

time moves really fast when i get this excited. it frightens me but doesn't frustrate me like time travel. or make me anxious like submarines. if there is EVER a movie about a time travelling submarine, i already choose to not watch that. worst ever. which reminds me about another little something that infuriates me... but i forget right now. but oh man is it devastating. AHA! it's not being able to hear clearly. like if the tv is too quiet or if people are talking too closely to what i am listening to. it ruins minutes.

speaking of which...
asking alexandria- a lesson never learned. this is one of those songs that instantly took me by surprise, and will likely be in the top ten at the end of 2011 on my list. someone today also called me obsessed with frisbee. i chose to reword it as passionate. i LOVE ultimate. i truly do. that's why i can't afford to be obsessed with it. that is an unhealthy way to asphyxiate my other passions.

i reread the word ostentatious today and thought to myself... that is a mighty impressive sounding word. very impressive indeed. but i do not know how to define this word. i just looked it up:

-adjective
1.
characterized by or given to pretentious or conspicuous show in an attempt to impress others: an ostentatious dresser.
2.
(of actions, manner, qualities exhibited, etc.) intended to attract notice: Lady Bountiful's ostentatious charity.

.............................. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeasy waytooappropriatewordforthistopic..

22. why i felt i wanted more was beyond me.

i've never had an image shake me like this before.

let's get STICKY

my musical happiness this week thus far lies within the voice of thom yorke. and his 'the eraser' solo album from a few years back. it nursed me to excited health yesterday during the painting party. and is caressing my eardrums as i sit here at school not painting. and i will continue to not paint. for... now.. a time.

i finally hopped back on board the wakingupsuperhappy train. not like it was a long absence... it just feels great feeling great. i'm content again and that is scary, because LORD KNOWS it never lasts very long. like... half a day maximum. i can't help messing with things. i'm very grateful for the heart on my chest because frankly, it reminds me to do things with passion and reckless abandon. i didn't realize it when i got it that it would do this... because my other tattoos i GOT for that purpose, and became not necessarily what i intended.. (not to take away from my love LOVE love for them, i just don't get reminded to be holy from markings on my body. that comes from being aware and sensitive.) i'm only reprimanded by my tattoo representation when i fall short of being who i am. careful comfortable.. forget that. heart games on full availability (cue alexisonfire lyrics).

with that being said i just got an alumni package for graduating this year and now have a paranoid feeling that i've been institutionalized. i seriously need some white umbrellas to get me over that.



get on me.