the engagement... will be brief.

inappropriate morbid question of the day: if you accidentally slit your wrists, would they believe you?

i've been rolling some dice lately. some pretty hefty presumptuous dice. and it's all been coming up snake eyes. vixen snake eyes. seductive, tantalizing and seemingly within grasp- and then smoke, mist, a cold morning's breath unto a summer's shoulder. mostly i've lost a tidbit of money, some dignity, and more time spent contemplating than time spent actualizing (either way, wasting). there are decisions in my near future that have the chance to be chanced upon. to this i say to future tyler, no more. you take that deadline attitude and stick it up academia's ass.

this attitude has landed me a sometimes complimentary but often frowned upon association with ted mosby. heralded example: always rsvp-ing 'with guest' to a wedding. in the light of a summer full of weddings, this gambling temptation has led me to NOT rsvp to sit and ponder this decision. had i already gone ahead and sent the rsvp, i would have undoubtedly selected 'guest'. also, had the invitation not asked for a name, i wouldn't of thought twice about it. but alas, it asked for whom this guest would be. i couldn't think of a name so i balked and walked (new rhyme phrase, validate that please conductor) and with joy i sit here and throw the dice off of the table, and select 'one please. just me. yeah i'm alone, and i do not give a shit.'

the problem with THIS solution is i lead me to believe that there will be a slough of beautiful single girls ready to be wooed and cuddled with, to which i boldly answer to no question 'challenge accepted'. this expectation is usually handled within the first three minutes of arrival, in which i see only beautiful coupled girls, ready to be introduced to and ignored. immediately i start planning my exit strategy, texting people to ask 'what IS up' and how i can find an excuse to leave this wonderful ceremony of love. oh yes, indulgence follows me everywhere, and it knows it's all about me (hey, ten years from now tyler, remember when we were sitting here thinking 'grow up'? i hope you grew the fuck up).

the long skinny square of it is, someone dropped an a-bomb on me recently and reminded me God needs me for awhile before i can pour 150% of myself into a relationship. so here i sit. here i stay. here i shut my eyes and curl into a ball and think about how annoying girls are. not pretty(awesome) or soft(ener) or wonderful(ly crafty) or sly(in the hot way). i just reminded myself of the reminder and remembered that i couldn't be here ignoring my grad project glorifying my stream of consciousness if there was a sleepy lovely warm girl coaxing me into bed. that is a battle i will lose every time. so SO hello 3 am, sleep deprivation, full on 2nd year productivity and self respect.

what? banjo music? slicing through my heart...