those secret longings

i had the most giant craving for wearing flip flops... to rummage my toes through a soft field of grass before huckin the disc with fellow passionists.. the smell of the spring i never saw and the summer i haven't been a part of in 16 months.

and all this came too soon. my premature desire for impossibility, when what lies with me now is still too young to be known. seasons indeed.. it's one or the other. grow or die.



to float or sink? nahh... we can still float if we die in the right position..

kaboom

i'll find the way to light the fuse and watch it burn. i'm out of matches but i know where this leads, and i'm not waiting around to ask for help. let's set this up in secret and watch everyone be amazed by the blaze that burns through all our secrets.

finish painting boss jamie's girlfriend's '70s pin up girl.

who knows what girls like. or are like. not i. when is a signal a strong signal or just an chance accidental happening that throws everything involving logic and reason off the fulcrum of identifiable relationship status? a knowing smile with a head shake, is that good? does that mean go for it? or does that mean 'whelp, there was your chance, which is now your flaw'. irrelevant. the ghostly pale image i have of you in my head is quickly fading, because i don't know the cause to why i wonder about you. new. unnamed. yet named. new still. do i wreck that image with the usual pursuit? shall i let you linger awhile before vanishing like the mist we are? it seems worth the chance when there is only gain to benefit the risk of dignity. though in reality it is no risk at all... just a question or curious gesture that desires a response, steps toward closure or a beginning. what would the rest say? what have the rest mentioned... nuts on the road or chilly willy... this is a game best suited for the fate-ist. roll the dice. flip the coin. either way action is required.



i guessed wrong

wrap *********'s and *******'s ****'s.

i'm slipping into that mood where i easily justify success. even if it is the smallest of accomplishments, i feel great about it and feel entitled enough for an extended period of slacking off. which turns to boredom, which gives me a longing for people, which isn't satisfied until the next day (since tomorrow always holds hope for my needy extrovertedness!). so with a new drive and determination, i wake up, boldly ready to tackle lists and challenges, and so quickly i accomplished a SWOOSH of me striking something off the list, and the cycle continues. i am a battering ram with no sense of the enemy inside brewing flamable liquids to poor on my back from the ramparts, who also is aware of the movie-like scenario he's been placed in and has no problem naively thinking the gates always break down just in time.

roll me to the sides lads. you deserve some warm drink.



this is my cousin, intentionally insensitive battering ram.

document .2 paintings.1.

the lens seems to never be true. it either lies, or accentuates.



woops, i lied. but i'll just blink.

begin painting boss jamie's girlfriend's '70s pin up girl.

pantsuits.

i got asked a question yesterday about the way i dress. the question was why i didn't subscribe to the hipster trend of my school. since the majority would be ok with being classified that way... my answer was i didn't want to have to worry about my reflection. i have the means to put on such a front, but then it makes me feel like I'M a front. i try to not let clothing have any stake in my identity, but really this is the defining factor when someone observes me and never gets to know me. what image AM i presenting? i know i don't care so does it look like i don't care? i'm not concerned with me perceiving them perceiving me anymore.. that demon was crushed. but it's left me in the no mans land of actually not caring what i wear. if the situation demands it, i'll dress to that occasion. i have no issues or misleading thoughts about interpretation if i'm being a little child about it. but in the everyday life... where expectation doesn't come into the equation.. what am i presenting? what am i saying? i don't mean to be saying anything.. and is that saying something in itself? i think i've turned myself into a product of the observer. i know what i'm saying when i cover up labels. that's fine and justified. but everything else is a mysterious blur of ignorance, apparently. when i get clothing, i wear it. the means of such usually don't involve me purchasing them unless at a concert or money has been gifted to me for that distinct purpose, but... my vote is comfort. short answer?

fuck pantsuits.

begin designing website.

i have 7 ticket stubs to prove to myself i was there, and another one on my dresser at home. there are a few more in the mail for a future tyler to decide what to do with... when the time comes an answer will be found. well how now this CERTAINLY is a wonderful shade of off white. it's easy on my eyes. i'm going to put the answer on this digital canvas.

history.
and holiday, says mos def.

surely this adventure will seem underwhelming when the accomplishment comes because i demand it to do so. brother francis, you novel adventurer... you'll be the biggest prize of all.

finish jeff.2.

how can we be sure if this place is real? this feels more like an attitude than a setting or situation. we won't be told what to do, and we won't learn if you don't tell us to. run away to get close, then vanish when the moment of intimacy comes. you always were a ghost, and we were just a dream.

finish rachelle.2.

the guilt i feel for the things i should have done outweigh the pride i have for the things i did. do we call that conviction or an empty sense of accomplishment? how can i right it when right isn't the answer or solution... it's always waiting, it's always this shattered longing.. the light at the end of the tunnel turning out to be a flashlight instead of a doorway.

finish sean.2.

mock me once, then tell me twice it's true,
you put the fire in my eyes while trying to put it out.
i'm a coward, and you seem to know it,
but you won't be in my way when inevitably i snap and shout.

with Your help we'll burn this to the ground.

the demise of lunch

this is now my place of recluse... my escape from the inevitable break down that happens mid-end-of-semester-crunch-week. i look forward to AND loathe the circumstances i have / am landing in. i feel as a pre-reward for myself, i need to list and catalogue the amount of things i have to do in order to feel productive enough to justify maintaining that course of action. as i count down and strike off and widdle away at the items on my list, i'll be once again enjoying the freedom that comes with school unhindered by a work schedule. BEGIN.

- *finish sean.2.
- *finish rachelle.2.
- *finish jeff.2.
- place/leave .2 paintings in strategic and contextually accurate places around the city.
- *document .2 paintings.
- *begin designing website.
- *begin painting boss jamie's girlfriend's '70s pin up girl.
- have jef make the buttons on website work.
- fill website with all sorts and arrays of content.
- finish painting boss jamie's girlfriend's '70s pin up girl.
- start painting *****'s face for ***.
- *wrap *********'s and *******'s ****'s.
- finish ****'s and *********'s tattoo.
- start and finish *****'s tattoo.
- start painting ****'s face for ****.
- finish painting *****'s face for ***.
- *daydream (and night dream) about most adored year end list.
- start painting ****'s face for ****.
- finish painting ****'s face for ****.
- finish painting ****'s face for ****.
- *begin pondering what to get or make for family gifts.
- party with lydia and her farewell.
- party with art gallery opening.
- party with pajamas.
- party with metro family.
- deliver boss jamie's girlfriend's '70s pin up girl.
- dominate conversation in final jury critique ever.
- party with anyone available on my last night.
- give gifts and be merry.
- leave for detroit and take someone with me.

step 1- neglect sleep.
step 2- be a man.
step 4- continue not giving a crap and enjoy floundering in the disruption of my own rules.
step 3- friends first, always and continued.
step 5- remember to memorize next ephesians verses.