i've been given this to give as well

one night i dreamt a dream i couldn't possibly improve. even if i tried with all my mental effort to force ideals upon this situation, perfection has no grounds for improvement. it was summer. there were shorts, and green grass and 'hello's with no goodbyes. we greeted and hugged after such an absence and decided to celebrate by rolling in the grass like infants. we're at his house (even though it isn't really his house) and in the back yard. she is there, and we are sitting in sweatpants on the front porch watching the sunset. everyone is a mixture of inside and outside but we sit there in between it all. it feels adorably new and innocent, yet intentional and authentic. we edge closer together until we support ourselves on each other, and she starts singing songs in french to me. i ask her what they mean and she shrugs without explanation and keeps on singing, slowly playing with the hair around my eyes. my little brother walks by and gives me the look only he can give that sends me into fits of sheepish smiles. i try to suppress them so she doesn't notice, but does and knowingly smiles back. she keeps on singing softly while looking into my eyes and playing with my hair. the people around us are people i see everyday, and people i only see once in awhile, but they are all immensely special to me. there are no strangers and no planned activities. we are just being and content with that.

monetize THIS

we have a negative pandemic of neutrality on our hands now. beginning? hardly, there are two 'n's in 'begiNNing' (with a third) 'begiNNiNg'. it's like yet far less deviant than the KKK, but also like- yet far more intrusive than the 'abc's which guide our diction.

negative neutrality now: nary as much of a demand as it is a tense; our mental plundering and sponging capabilities limited by our flounderous attempts at grasping controlling and selling knowledge through systems hidden within aesthetic institutions.

blam kaPOW who is your daddy now. fatherhood is only pART biological function. pessimism for breakfast with a quoted healthy lunch of educational atrophy, all within the dwindling fingers of gratifying a short patience.
metamorphosis from fat writhing larvae to over-influenced butterflies with razor blade wings, cleaving and cutting away the foundations on which wizards blasphemers and heretics found reasons to stay accused.
no hindsight no reprimand. no foresight no worries.

a vindictive revelry whispered amongst the forgotten. if the time was near then the time is here.

thunderstorms on Christmas

surely that smug look on your face isn't the pure satisfaction that comes with making someone smile. i wish it was. i want it to be. so i'll imagine it is and then i'll smile even bigger. these things that we claim to be ours, are really the subsequent reactions to the things out of our control. we're reactions in a beaker, thrown together as a formula to do the world better. but our variables are not constant- our reaction is meant for something bigger than what we really are but we've been given the chance to deviate from it. we can leave, we can not react, we can stay as we are and remain under the expectation we create for ourselves. but if we take the chance to remain, to see what happens when we DO react, we become exposed to the full potential for which we were created. for each other. for the world. our experiment is for no one special, other than ourselves and finding out what we are truly made of. we will never be a failed experiment;

the mythbusters... and the explosions.. it feels so good.... when i like that... explosions. ..

here's a thought- why does mike have to move out when he gets married? why can't kristie move in as well? i understand the need for privacy... but what about the need for COMMUNITY? nobody is fully aware of the happening in their neighbors lives these days.. it makes me sad. i don't have a clue who lives next door to me. i've always thought that the privacy you gain when getting married seemed more like isolation instead of freedom.. i'm not saying that privacy isn't needed (a sock on the door does wonders.. nahhhhhhhhhhh jk jk... but seriously...), i'm just wondering what it'd be like to be married but live with people as well. since my thoughts tend to lead me to believe doing the opposite of what society has trained us to do seems like a good idea, this trend buster gets me excited in a way that i know i'll probably never get a chance to experience. IF fw is keen on following social patterns... but who knows. this comes from my limited never-been-in-love experience, and it's probably me trying to hold on to all that 59 is without losing anyone. i just think it'd be a cool way to live... sharing with each other... helping solve each others problems... though cripes, isn't that what marriage is as well? intimacy must definitely be saved for/kept within the marriage, BUT other aspects of life would become so much more joy filled with the constant interaction of other people. like in the Acts days, but TOday. like shane claiborne and the simple way. but i guess that community can be founded anywhere at anytime, and not contained within a house. and seeing as some people take this too far (pick a cult) maybe it's better to let those thoughts stay thoughts. we'll see how i feel when i'm about to be in this situation. i like people too much... sometimes. in other news, i'm tired enough to sleep. hallelujah.

so....

lately... i haven't had a lot to be righteously angry about. my life is amazing. i'm learning tons about a lot of different things on a lot of different levels. i have the freedom to come and go wherever and whenever i please... (being home is one of these privileges that i have. the beautiful smell of home, familiar everything, left even as i left it 3 months ago. same awesome cat. same amazing parents.) nothing to stand in my way of happiness and challenge its right to exist. spiritual warfare? i'm on the winning side, how can that be a bad thing. atheistic opposition (SUCH AS- part 1 of zeitgeist, that adorably argumentative onlywhitemanontheisland in fiji, the 'response' to kent hovinds garden of eden video, and various completely-closed-with-no-chance-of-opening minded people we all run into every day)? through further understanding has become an ignorant joke compared to other levels of spiritual dissension. grief? never. my holy anger hasn't been stoked or even ignited in a long time. i see things with the world from a certain perspective and i try my best to love everyone i can.

tonight my dad told me of some arrangements made for a friend i have who is in the army. i've forever thought he'd go, get trained, maybe be a part of some political military nonsense then come home unharmed, untainted by death and destruction and i'd never have to worry about him. i knew he was going to afghanistan soon, and i understood the implications of him going there, but hearing quite possible arrangements for his... potential future status made everything real. i've only ever had one person in my family die, and we weren't that close. death isn't real to me in the way that it is for other people who've gone through the hardships and goodbyes. i went to see this friend last winter in DC and was for some reason feeling obligated to do so. he's a wonderful friend and DC is a wonderful place and i'm so pissed at my former self for even starting to feel ANY sort of obligation towards going, seeing now that it was potentially the last time to ever see him. all this hit me really quickly and really powerfully as my dad drove me home, explaining why certain arrangements must be made for someone stepping into the front lines of a war.

and for what? i want to say i support him and everything he does, that i'll be praying for him and that i know he's gonna be protected and taking care of. i'm GOING to be praying, but for the first time in my life i have a sense of hopelessness and that horrible feeling anyone gets when they realize they are completely out of any level of control in the situation. and i know i have to give it to God and let him handle my feeble little whispered prayers in hopes that he's respond with a resounding thundering bone shattering amen. and when he does as i KNOW he will, there's always the possibility that his answer will be hard to handle. realistically, either way, someone is going to die. at either end of the weapon, there will be death. i've never known what allows someone to be driven to the point of wanting to end someone else's life, or for what reason it could ever be justified. regardless of my friend's status before.. within.. after his missions, i can't ever morally support evil on that level. i want to scream 'i hate the fucking army' (and i fucking do...) but that won't end it, and it won't change anyone's mind about it. i wish i would have taken the time to invest in his life more and persuade him to other methods of life living, instead of sitting back and idly watching him sign his life to an overinflated sense of patriotism.

so.... for the first time i'm faced with the real fear of death. not for me, but for a brother. and there isn't a thing i can do about it. hours ago i was reading a book called 'forgotten God', all about how the church has failed to attempting to comprehend the Holy Spirit and harnessing His wonderful gifts. francis chan challenged me to let Him lead me, as i've been trying to do for awhile now. it's not like my faith is gonna allow me to teleport above my friend, take him under my arm and teleport back out, but it will allow me to TRUST that good does prevail, regardless of the evils that plague us. it sucks that it only took a few hours of pondering before being tested with it, but what choice do we have? if we can't turn to God in the bad times, how the hell are we gonna stay with Him in the good times? and the other way around. i asked for this... time to trust. for a year of a friend in afghanistan. then someone else the year after that. then every other situation in between.

God please give me help.

the moment before perfection is realized, but realizing that the realization is about to happen, and all the excitement that brings.

i'm on a mental tear lately and i can't help spewing what's going on in my head. at the moment, i am packing. i LOVE packing. i'm trying to tone down the amount of times/ consider the context in which i use the word love, but this is no mistype or false representation of how i feel. i truly love packing. it's one of the few times i can be completely absorbed by my OCD and instead of flee from it, celebrate it by folding clothes and placing them neatly in a bag. i don't know why. it's thrilling to the point of causing me to be unable to sleep. i slept 20 minutes last night, an mebe an hour nap at some point in the day but i feel like i'm going full steam. i have to ease into it and not do it all at once... i've gotta make it last. savor the little subtleties like perfected sock organization and that spot where a t-shirt fits in like... anything sexual, pretty much. go nuts in your mind. it's all business up in this brain. it's just a good level of achievement and satisfaction when i've packed a bag to it's flawless potential. i sound cocky. but i don't care. i'm friggen good at it. and that's just the packing, excluding all the amazing things that come WITH packing... like the moment after that last goodbye where it's just me and my journey ahead. (i've written so many times about this... i don't care. i'm passionate about it.) i mean i'm only going away 3 weeks, but travel recharges me. i keep thinking how inconvenient it is for me to fly all the way down to houston, then back up to michigan instead of a direct shot. but that's ok! that's an extra 5ish hours of alone time to sit... nap... read... write letters... draw tattoos... be completely alone yet surrounded and mentally isolated. packing is the fuse to all of this (assuming the climax is arrival (hehehe.... oh man...) to the destination and all the warm lovely hellos and familiarities OR brand new territories...) and fuses burn beautifully. love... excitement... nostalgia... mitigation (YEAH thesaurus)... i'm so glad for how i was built...

for serious?! for serious.

quick! let me know quick before my mind clouds with reason.
we don't have to hurry but we shouldn't waste time either.
it's not about signals it's just about feelings... we know when we know and to fight it is worthless. why settle for good enough when just right surely exists? they say we can go to the moon, but the sun is more of an adventure. this level of intricate detail won't go unnoticed.

17 minutes until class eh?

then 17 moments of observation i give you. list obsession, fulfill..ation.

1. there is no way to walk in or out of a bathroom in a dignified manner.
2. the chin maintains it's mystery as a body part, but put it on someone as a pressure point (ie: brotherly full nelson with chin in spine) and they know exactly what they are being touched with.
3. 6:14am is both too early, and too late for a beer. my tongue protested.
4. skiddish feelings caused by other-driver anxiety can often be challenged with a nice remedy of scaring someone else in your car worse than the fear you are experiencing.
5. scarves are productive.
6. fingernails are kinda gross, but if they weren't there, it'd be even more disgusting. however i want to see this one day. not gross and bloody, but just smoothness 360 degrees around the tip.
7. is jef's favorite number.
8. swimming decreases the need to cotton swab your ears.
9. while driving scout, coasting down a hill will cease the flow of hot air from the engine, and instead let the -35 air inside in it's place.
10. the previous can be avoided by putting the car into gear, or staying home and skipping school, writing mounds of poetry and neglecting further artistic productivity by justifying 'research' time.
11. plus another eleven is the number i can most associate with wishes.
12. sheesha with tobacco in it is no longer sold in calgary. this is probably the most inconvenient discovery, and largest piss off of the year. ebay will have to become a new friend. herbal stuff tastes like wood. nobody likes to smoke wood.
13. smoking is stupid, but ridiculously fun, which is a contradiction most brains embrace. not cigarettes. but what's the difference? it's all in the heart. attack. that some people will suffer.
14. i have 6 minutes until class.
15. 25 minutes plus 11 snooze minutes of sleep is roughly enough to get through a day of sculpture critique
16. the best thing i've taken away from 'how i met your mother' is handing off problems to future me. ex: 'wow that trash can is pretty full. who know i'm gonna let handle that? future tyler'. thank you ted and marshall, for your wisdom.
17. it seems like friday but it is monday which means in 6 days there will be an art show, in 5 days there will be a panic about an art show, in 4 days there will be no sleep whilst trying to finish paintings for an art show, in 3 days there will be the smell of sawdust and hopefully not blood, in 2 days there will be massive preparation, and in 1 day there will be absolutely relaxing travel, full of reading drawing thinking wondering wishing praying and revelling.

there is a hole in your flag

we were pure once. white and unblemished. our statues were a living breathing testament to our authentic nature and genuine existence. we were new with no need to be reborn. today we seek these things behind the feet of iron and clay, waving our pure white flags of surrender in stead of the falsely proclaimed colours of our idols. the giant we created is the monster we worship, and the ball we attached to our chains is the control we gave up without thinking. the choice was given for a reason, and the less we stain our flags with the blood of our neighbors the greater the reflection from the light which other slaves long to be able to see. raise them up and raise them high, if we keep them down we'll discover the ground, but there's no limit to how far we can reach into the sky.

the cloudy muse

it seems i've spent all my creative energy on an exam. didn't think there was a limit. i think artists should have creativity meters above their heads, like the health bar in mortal combat, or any other video game... then people could see how uninspired we are at the moment and do something outrageous to spur them forward. or maybe... my meter is recharging at this moment. MAYBE INDEED!! it must be the flow of blood to my legs since i'm wearing sweatpants after and absolutely unexcused 2-3 day absence from them. PLUS long johns and two hoodies and wool socks on top of white'ns... i saw my friend in san diego say it was so cold where he was. i called him a wienie. (-10 is ideal, -30 just feels like death. that little nip on the nose is like a rottweiler's skeleton devouring my face instead.) but it gives me good reason to have blanket-like clothing on at all times. g l o r i o u s.

today marked the official last day of classes i don't give a crap about.. i've had some good classes but now i don't have class until monday sculpture, which'll be final critiques (which i LOVE) so school is all ready and packed almost away, mentally. show'n sale cheques come tomorrow, and the rest of this week means attacking 120 ft (squared, of course) of canvas into submission, revealing the paint hidden beneath it's fibers for all to see. hopefully they are good so i don't have to attack them with blades. nobody likes blades. poor ice. maybe some more clouds and graffiti. maybe more graffiti than clouds this time around. MAYBE even just clouds or JUST graffiti. or MAYBE EVEN PERHAPS a face or three. who should i paint?!?! lets boost this creativity level upwards, with the power of suggestion!

i'm praying for jeff conrad to come move in. we're told to be specific in prayer so i figured i may as well just pray straight away for the person i WANT to move in. specific provision is always more of a testament to his power than generic prayers anyways. know what you want...

-back to painting. (or am i?!)

own that plot

how could i have so easily forgotten the deeper side of truth? love isn't cliche, and the symbols and associations regarding this biggest of issues shouldn't be an icon to present it in that way. but it has happened before and i'm sure it'll happen again. the times i've taken it the way i should've are the times that shouldn't have to fight to be remembered. there are things love is, then there are things love could be. not rational, not imposed in obligation, just ferocious desperate and unconditional. forgiveness.. the key to it all.. this up and down of knowledge is the only thing that's officially legitimate as worthy focus. press on and in and deep and through...

the lighter side of a good attitude.

winter - paralyzing, depressive, sleep inductive.. and many more common effects of winter people often feel. to those people i say- suck it up! the weather should never be a factor in the mental health and stability (ATTITUDE) of anyone strong enough to grasp their own emotions. maybe i'm overly optimistic, maybe i'm a psycho-heat-hater, or maybe my skin cells have it all wrong. but i can't help it, i love winter. it's my second favorite season (but really, they all are). but after a long absence of snow in my life, i just get a weather boner every time the sky goes white. it's excitement on a purely atmospheric level... however because of this amazing happening my arousal has caused me a desire to spread my joy to all you nay-sayers. my list of reasons why winter is awesome.

1. what other time can you roll a substance up into a ball, throw it into someones face and have them laugh instead of blaspheme? sure retaliation is in order, but then you can even clean up your bloodshed with what caused it! miracle.

2. a reason for warm soup belly. COME OOOOOOOOON! this could be all 10.

3. the wunnerful invention of putting blades on shoes, and gliding around on frozen water hitting each other and a black rubber disc with curved sticks. hockey should bring everyone joy.

4. that little nip on the tip of your nose, like a gentle flick of cold ass love telling you to wear a scarf. but i enjoy and love this little reminder of air temperature... it feels heavenly AND it makes everyone cute. EVERYONE.

5. mittens.

6. stressful road conditions which make you appreciate the ease of summertime driving. ALSO because of these extended times on the road, you now have at least 80% more time to jam out listening to music. don't be angry, be productive.

7. hill sports, an donuts (PS did not know that was how to spell donut. i had it in my head it was doughnut (however i am referring to sliding around in a parking lot in my car anyways so... irregardless). my error, but pleasant new simplistic discovery).

8. that first feeling of walking into a warm house smelling of hot chocolate and other bodies.

9. blankets, scarves, toques and woolies. accessories for the champions.

10. cuddling. its cold, so lets get close, no? this as well could be all 10.

so pretty much, winter is an opportunity. every chance you get, there is a moment to be seized. whether it is merely making you thankful for warmer air, getting you a new girlfriend or boyfriend via warmth, allowing 'past the falls' to play one more time, or just giving YOU an atmospheric weather boner, winter screams c'mon, use me'. and use it i shall...

melting is such a devastating experience

and it happens when you least expect it... applying for other expectations but ending up with a punch of fire in the heart. but it burns so good, just like they say. the good pain. the pain that makes you want more because it provides a reason to live. wait for tomorrow but flaming experience for today. molotov emotions. even when we feel that heat coming, it's not time to run. if we're daring and bold enough it's time for a gasoline shower. the only thing to lose is the possibility of actually succeeding if we fail to take the chance. for the 11th time faith is spelled r i s k. all other times were filled with conviction but this time it just makes sense as inevitable. captivating fire. stoked on the hopes of being as vulnerable as a puddle of wax. never changing in essence, just in shape. the flammable potential in everything you touch.

sleep wasn't supposed to happen tonight. once again.. i've never felt like this and i'm past deciding whether it's spiritual or pure fatigue. i FEEL like i'm in a picture, but i'm just a silhouette that's been cut out. when i was laying in bed it felt like i had no connectivity to my legs.. like they were attached but they were stretched out and off by themselves.. and i felt/still feel like i'm surrounded by something... that makes me feel distinctly light. my body wants to call it circulation issues but my spirit wants to tell me i can fly. it's like i'm here but i'm not actually here.... i had to come and type just so i could feel something and even that isn't satisfying my need for a complete touch. i'm on edge like i've never been.. well.. nah. i've been. that one other dream... i can't decide which kind of dream this was cuz i'm so stinkin paranoid right now the face on the tv (it's on) scared the crap out of me. all the lights are on and i have most sources of media going... i know God doesn't strike panic and fear into me but maybe if i was close to him maybe i'm just reacting to leaving his presence... k k k here is what i remember of the dream.

fairly sure i was in new zealand, after some skate park/ convention... something... haha me'n jef were wandering around and it was his birthday or something cuz we claimed we needed something to drink and we both shouted enthusiastically 'beeeeeeeeeeeer!' (we looked at each other like it was quite possibly the best idea ever... EVERRRRRRRRRBEEEEERRRR!) but we ended up in this dimly lit room with a black couple and everyone else listening to them. jef disappeared (or moved to a corner) and then... i don't remember what happened for awhile, but then the black dude looked at me intently in the eye and said 'i must look at your hands' but creepily like it was some compulsion he HAD to fulfill otherwise he'd go mad... so i let him have them, and he studied and looked at the stains and told me what they were (.... paint... chemicals... haha) then asked me if i had touched something, not sure what it was (the word sounded ... almondy) so i didn't say anything and this aggravated him so he studied more intently and kept talking and THIS is when i felt like i got thrown to the floor, except the floor wasn't there anymore and i couldn't see anything that was previously there (but my hands were still being held... for a time at least) and then i just started suuuuuurging forward (i started saying Jesus' name cuz i thought he was cursing me or something), with everything in me, but with none of my own strength or power, just falling in every direction exponentially faster and faster, then i just started screaming praises and thanks and that i loved God and how happy i was, and this went on for a few seconds of 'falling' then near the end of my screaming i for some reason just started pounding out prayers for people, and then i came out of it in the middle of the room jumping up and down saying thank you thank you thank you, and then i stumbled and knocked over something that covered the entire floor in brown, and they were none to pleased. and then i inexplicably woke up, wide awake again and at first wasn't paranoid, but then i turned on my music again and tried to go to sleep but then i started to notice the FEELINGS and that my heart was beating like a drum (and i had a raging... you know) and the chills all contained within a centimeter under my skin without being cold... i tried for probably 30 seconds then i had a compulsive need to write, so i thought screw it! lets do this again. cripes.. i was only asleep for an hour and a half! and now i'm far too awake to attempt another run at sleep.. at least with the lights out... i still feel like i could walk through walls or try to grab something and pass right through it.. well not to that extent. i definitely feel translucent though.... man... that was like Gods presence in the other dream on CRACK.. i said if i was ever 'slain in the spirit' i wanted to be thrown against the ground instead of passively released from standing... this seems like it happened... crazily... i just can't figure out why the dude seemed so unhappy with me the entire time. THOUGH i remembered (in my dream) that he was a speaker on my DTS (in reality, he was not, but in my dream reality it was a good conclusion to make because that offed him as a creep and curser). these are times when i'd really really LOVE to be married so i could talk it out right away and then hold her... especially feeling like this. i'm pretty sure it'd transfer over, or she'd feel it. i don't know if it's fading.. i feel really really really light. oh well one day. what a friggen weird experience... that's vivid.. and WHAT OF THIS FEELING?!?!?!? questions, God, questions. it feel like my eyes have been opened even though they weren't shut to begin with. except my eyes are everywhere on me. i've either shed something, or lost something... i think it's good. my spirit tells me it's good. i just am scared to crap. may as well paint. or eat toast. but that involves going upstairs where it is dark and silent. no good. maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn

tender

not like money ... from a transaction.... but like the special moment between a player and his goalie at the end of a winning game.. touching each other gingerly on the forehead and whispering thank yous and well dones... it's a special moment and is as manly as the last name o'toole. i have man-bumps. they are like goosebumps, but caused during- or thinking about- intense moments of brotherly love. at the end of a fight... hugging your opponent or good-gaming him away... high-fiving with gloves on. this is true affection. i must keep this discussion at the guy-guy level, because in this mental stage i'd only make you fall in love with me as i cascaded your brain with romantic idealisms and closed eyed thoughts of intimate encounters doused with destiny laden whispers.. and be you male, a boner. exhaustion can be concluded to be the cause of 'cuddlebrains', where one, seemingly unavailable to pursue normal daily activities due to loss of motor function, resorts to indulging in the comforts of the mind whilst bodily melting into any comfortable surface whilst not moving... and llllllllllllllllllllllllonging for affection on any level. it's warm fuzzy already, but the slightest gesture makes a heat panic in my chest. dreary eyed soldiers in pillow-land casting off the shackles of shrewdly dressed fashion, and embracing the fulfleecingly decadent world of the sweats or naked. press on freedom soldier! set the captives freeeeeeee

white surrender

let it rain,
make our pain and anguish disappear,
give us reasons to live and reasons to fear...
drunk with greed,
blind with lust,
wash away everything you didn't ask us to trust...
these flags we hold high,
that you gave us to share,
our job was to spread the joy and nullify despair...
instead we ignore,
and in ourselves we chose to confide,
in these signs of the empire we refuse to hide...
take it away,
enter and make us new,
then show us what we were really meant to do...

suddenly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYu68H7nNGQ

oh dang yes. goodbye sadness. hello desperation.

my heart has eyes

un⋅re⋅quit⋅ed [uhn-ri-kwahy-tid] –adjective
1. not returned or reciprocated: unrequited love.
2. not avenged or retaliated: an unrequited wrong.
3. not repaid or satisfied

F***!! owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwch. no band-aid can fix this!

PF - letting castaway ruin my night by making me so irrationally sad and emotional.

PW - a 66" x 58" blank canvas ready for me to spew paint all over. haven't any idea what i'm gonna put on it yet. i had an idea. then i thought it was stupid. but it still may work. i just need some... meat, some substance... a plain old picture will never do anymore. i may just sit in front of it and pray something into existence. that always seems like the best bet. have you met my two sheep hosanna and hallelujah? i met them last night for the first time. hopefully someone else in 4ish days will like them enough to pay me to take them home.

WF - i saw this dude in the mirror, who just looked so sad. and his facial hair was inconsequential, at best.

let that yellow mellow

appropriation, approximation. dictation appreciation, manifestation procreation; recreation! propagation, multiplication fiction nation. obama-nation abomination, DEFENESTRATION!! administration devastation- masturbation? damnation...

proposition, position division estimation consumption, constitution production (pollution), conclusion. resignation. relation misdirection confusion frustration tension segregation junction; proposition. rejection. confession. direction.

rEVOLution!!! industrialization, education presentation, recognition realization. clarification notification designation association IDENTIFICATION;

redemption restitution (retribution). perception, passion. consecration. sensation, union;

con ce p t I O N IMPREGNATION! .... justification.

are you the kind of person who watches the microwave count down to zero, announcing it's expiration with tones and annoying alerts, or do you prefer to stop the countdown prematurely and silently clear the remainder?

0.

whichever you prefer and whichever you are is why i want you. a justified pursuit for a justified existence.

108.

i'd wave at you even if i knew you wouldn't see me.

213.

i took it as He'd never let me go. and it was spoken to me, 'He'll never let you go'. it's not a promise capable of being broken. as He to me, hopefully i to you.

357.

it's not in our hands to make the crops grow. we can feed them, but even then growth isn't a garantee.

373.

hopefully i'm never going to need a morality catheter installed. being who i was made to be should keep me from being filled with the things that repulse You. and you.

505.

halfsies. it's not half and half to make a whole, as easy as that could be. all for all, giving all and taking all, creating no spaces for division or deception. naked and pure, humble and shameless, open and vulnerable and ultimately safe.

608.

it can't be redundant if we still see it as genuine.

741.

it's a mess.

870.

i'm stuck and i can't get beyond this point. the fear of losing the potential vs. the dire need to understand or contextualize my motives hangs on the edge of patience and opportunity.

973.

when patience is key to the door, i need help to find it and put it on my keychain. kicking the door in won't do anyone any good.

1 074.

honestly will always work for me. life is too short to lie or hold back.

1 225.

whatever is decided doesn't have to be decided any time soon. there aren't a lot of periods in life yet. just slight stoppages in speech and pauses in breaths.

1 268.

i want to do the things i've done.

the things i've been learning lately... allow me to tell you...

i have a filthy mouth. i don't know when this happened or why i didn't realize it for so long or why i struggle with accepting tact as a valid social characteristic, but i've decided to work on it. i've been getting a lot of conviction from a lot of sources (none of which was personally directed at me (minus the tact)) which leads me to believe i need to clean up my language. the consequences of me not doing this have let me compromise things that i should be standing for, like quality in my music listening and movie viewing (the things that rot my mind vs. the things that allow it to flourish), as well as disappointed certain people in my life who have pull on any expectations i have of myself. lately any such influence that i feel i need to satisfy, i've taken the time to avoid and flee from, instead of humbling myself and accepting what they may have to say on the issue. not like it's a huge issue, but it's definitely something that if i don't keep in check or stay aware of could turn into some ugly rebelliousness and dangerous barriers being created. i'm all for staying under the radar of expectation, but not at the sacrifice of respect. lawyered!

tonight was a really sweet session about spiritual warfare, and the nature of satan and his demons. i knew a lot on the subject, which was only confirmed that i ACTUALLY know anything because everything he was saying was exactly what i learned (and for once, retained) during DTS, and coming from a completely separate source, i feel validated in understanding we are in a war, and how the happenings of this war manifest themselves in our current dimension. it was very uplifting and edifying feeling like i was on the same ground as the speaker, with valid opinions, arguments and stories on the issue. i'm positive i couldn't articulate it as well as he could, but nevertheless, confidence has risen and satan is still defeated. my only new revelation is that without opening up the heart, there is no way to open up the mind.

me'n bran were having a good discussion about family and how important it is. i mean it's something we seek (subconscious or fully aware) constantly as a place to fit in or feel loved or to GIVE love, and without that we are completely lost. i know in Christ we are never alone, but i know we need that physical companionship of someone else's soul near ours and responding in an affirming way. i realize some people don't have this in their lives and it really really must suck, but through all that understanding just HOW thankful i should be (and am) that i'm surrounded by the people i'm with... in michigan, in calgary, nz or anywhere... i've never been short of family. gratefulness restored. on this day of remembering the fallen (martyrs, soldiers and victims) i've taken another step in appreciating the living. especially the ones i'm allowed to touch (oh yes, physically AND emotionally).

the hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than we we first believed. the night is nearly over; the day is almost here. so let us put aside the deeds of darkness, and put on the armor of light.

and finally my artwork... i've been steeped in darkness and spiritual angst for so long i've forgotten about the opposite side of the 'disturb the comfortable' motive behind work... i need to take some measure of comforting the disturbed as well. i feel like i'm back on good/great terms with my dad (not like it was an issue, just stupid father-son mental mind games played by me and my irrationality) and he's motivated me to push myself into that more uplifting direction, because that gets talked about just as much as the opposite way. and it'll probably be better for my thought processes as i seek to cleanse myself of this way-bigger-than-i-thought-mud-pit in my heart. run run run! straight ahead, looking to the side only when God tells me too. hopefully then i'll see the one i'm supposed to run with, going the same speed and in the same direction.

break time

not from painting... probably writing. nahhh

http://www.flickr.com/photos/14034845@N02/

i've been in my basement for days, and it's a good thing.

there are some things i shouldn't be thinking about

do you ever have those days where you can't stop thinking about how you think? analyze, aggressively observe (JUDGE), fantasize and wonder? today is one of those days. i just wrote another blog that was full of (sh) it and i didn't post it cuz one of those thoughts was how my biggest influence is approval. ( i was interviewing myself mentally and i thought i'd format it that way to be different and moderately funny but evidently psychotically... but i guess it's good since we're supposed to know ourselves, and push the boundaries of perspective and understanding to create a better future for the future thinkers.. (my babies. lots of babies. philosopher babies. babies that challenge people and make them feel uneasy about becoming stale and overly comfortable. babies who grow up wearing what they want with paintbrushes coming out of their pockets and painting their thoughts on the world.)) TAN-GENT! yes yes, i'm influenced by approval and acceptance, but i know it's a good thing because i know i'm meant to desire it, and relationship with other people. we weren't designed to be alone.. OR rejected. and if we are, we correct. sometimes i say stupid ass things that i end up regretting; for a time. then i move on cuz i'm all up in my head. so i think i'm gonna celebrate it instead of run from it. not like... attention whoring and self-indulgent flamboyances, but by continuing down the path i'm on.. FLIP i just nullified this whole post. key word - personal expression. and BABIES.

1 + 9 + 1 = 11. THIS one goes to 11.

i hate it when it comes time to evaluate where i stand. i wish it was to the left or the right but i'm probably somewhere right in the middle. there's no defining who i am by what i stand for. only the purest values are able to shine through at that level. what am i supposed to be? what do i want to be... who do i want to be... none of this matters within the parameters of one who is too self involved to ask. i never want to become that. who is this 'i' that always speaks and is so rare to listen? the darkness takes away from what the light gives. and so freely.. to claim this 'i' as myself will take something beyond time to figure out. the answer won't ever JUST be there, and the questions will pile up. why is it so hard to see eye to eye? the feeling i get is being looked down on from above, like i'm being observed and studied and organized and labelled. i don't ever want to be the one that looks down but sometimes the situation deems it out of my control. one day eye to eye will be the constant stream of communication that we will follow. until then i'll get turned and disoriented by the waves and fight to understand where the surface is.

(stretches, cradles wrists, and sighs ('i' could be me and 'i' might be you but maybe 'i' is she but 'i' is probably me... or a bumblebee. that works for free. somewhere out over the sea...))

eat cereal.

the rules of ha

ha- i think what you said was worthy or slight mirth, but this topic of conversation will extend no further.

haha- i probably laughed in my head, and because of this i'm more intrigued by our conversation and wish to continue down the path we are currently on.

hahaha- i definitely smiled, and am wanting you to say more to keep me hahaing.

HA- you just aced someone or something and i loved it.

HAHA- something awfully funny happened to you or someone and i am glad you aren't speaking about something that happened to me.

HAHAHA- i literally laughed out loud, probably shamefully as i am alone or in a space occupied by other people i don't know, but with this i am well pleased.

haaahhahahaaaaahahaa OR HAAAHAHAAHAHAAAAA (and so on)- your pretty funny, and if i had to pee you'd have placed comedic pressure on my bladder, but i don't mind as when i think of this later i'll for sure smile like a jackass to myself in a crowd of frowny people but then remember why i love you so much.

the roughest of all the charities

today i discovered what i enjoy about school. it happens when i leave class, totally satisfied and happy. i also noted that i find it extra cool when people carry around their beverages in mugs. not travel mugs, hard core i <3 calgary mugs filled with water or coffee or tea or other liquids of taste. it makes me feel casual. which is what i want in life ALL the time! PF - mike walked in on me listening to creed. and i was definitely singing.

run run run.

another discussion on what art 'is' happened. in my head i concluded that art cannot ever be described with a term so absolute as 'is' but if it 'is' anything i'd say it's a context.

death to smoochy brings back memories. marc knows.

3 1/2 hours of sleep scheduled tonight. d d d d d d dang yes.

detective time

the questions that must be asked:

who left the cauldron in the front entry, and where did it come from / at what time did it arrive?

who smashed our back porch table in our backyard? ye jackass!

how disappointed will my mom be when she sees pics and assumes the worst of her eldest son?

who was the dude with the big fake beard that was rumoured to be a douchebag?

how did halloween come and go so fast / why aren't 14 paintings done like the schedule demands?

how did my tail get so dirty?

who's rickards honey brown sitting by the garbage can did i kick and destroy 1 of 4?

some of your time

today i had many a chance to think about things. first, i miss.

alexandra
marc
christa
nik
mom
dad
nick
john-mark
eric
david
kristin
lauren
marquel
steph
kristen
arby
jiwon
jake
jacob
joe
crystal
rins
annie
rasa
tyler
epeli
annarose
lucas
jessica
alicia
joanna
sylvia
rachel
tommy
scotty
robby
chad
chad
shapes
many more

BUT the main point of my day is what i have come to like. 1) my new favorite system of measurement. on a TOTO urinal, i discovered the amount of whater (yes, whater) it takes to flush. it was 1.0 GPF. (oh MY yes, gallons per flush) or 3.7 LPF. i nearly peed a second time in my joy. 2) hedgehogs are awesome animals. they are like hamsters except they hurt when you piss them off. then if you hold them for too long and choose to ignore the frantic pace of a normally civil and slow hedgehog, THEN fail to notice non-movement followed by warm goodness, you've just been peed on. i don't like this, but knowing this is power. PF of the week to be sure. oh and once i got up i realized lily-pad had pooped as well. a lot. hedgehogs hold a lot of whaste (yes, whaste) inside of them. 3) i get the jollies from halloween. this includes scaring people, but mostly dressing up and dancing. and mass sleepovers. 4) the formula for successful painting: 5 out of 7 days are bad days, where i paint for crap and don't enjoy. the other two days contain about 2 hours each where i am ON it and absolutely love what i paint, and i get done more than the other 5 days put together. sadly (yet joyously) drawing tattoos always gives me the joy and fulfillment i artistically seek. i feel confident in my choice of career. 5) due to my love of candles, they are often lit. i burned 2 down to nothing already, with the third being indulged in right now. .. for the last 7ish hours. including when i left the house for a solid 2 1/2 hours, followed by another 3-4 hours of not coming into my room. PHAPF. (potentially-huge-ass-personal-fail). 6) me'n my house mates romantically taking turns lifting each other off of the ground. it'll come in handy one day. 7) radiohead, house of cards, 2:24am. 8) 28 days later with loving housemates, first ever shot of tequila, beer, hedgehog piss, sheesha, hedgehog poop, suppressed farts, working internet, and failed scaring attempts. 9) journey. 10) no reason to sleep OR wake up. freedom, je taime.

things i don't like. 1) C+'s. i thought i was doing awesome. sure my teacher is old AS, but she's keen on writing down my failures so she remembers. and sniffs out my bs like she's been doing it for years. 2) forgetting about moderation, and getting super dizzy. i took a chance with an apple, but it was a blessing instead of a bomb. fruit wins. 3) the rage virus. 4) H1N1. 5) waiting... for many things. but right now halloween party. 5) not enough people understanding the love of Christ. what must i do to convey how awesome it is. 6) the number 6.

that is all. since i write a lot... but. i like to write. i get frustration out, i take claim of praises that need to be declared, and i get to type. which is as satisfying as packing a good snowball, blowing a perfect smoke ring, throwing a perfect spiral, diving to catch a disc, the perfect latte foam, an inbox in facebook or comment on blog, lighting a fuse, a good high five, a new pigment liner, or even bathroom related forms of satisfaction. for. the. best.

note to self:

start collecting fuzzy fabric. the colour of rust. OR the colour of gremlins... collect gremlin looking eyes and adopt gremlin sounding squeaks and work on being as cute as possible. stop eating after midnight. probably don't drink water for that will steal attention away from your gremlin-ness. sunlight is still ok except you'll get really really hot with no exit during a heat panic. probably only come out after dark. be thick and onesie-ish in existence.

DRWG 301

here is a project that is due in a few hours. hooray critique! (cept you don't get the pics that i have graffitied all over... just the untampered originals. the idea makers. (i took a walk from school to city hall an took some pics along the way to create a narrative. cuz it's a narrative drawing class.)) (also... the pics are too big so the last 6th of the pictures are missing on the right. compositional murder.)



it's always scarier from the top, knowing what lies so far beneath..


knowing we'd risk breaking in the process. but sometimes we're more beautiful when we're broken..


we can advertise to cover up the scars and try to hide these feelings..


everybody knows everybody is holding rotten fruit..


take what's been done to you and turn it into a story..


see what you've been in order to avoid what you'll become..


focusing on what's near instead of what you can't reach in time..


just because the world smiles at you doesn't mean it's any less sinister..


become the sheep in wolves clothing to make sure it stays genuine..


the time is only a matter of acknowledgement anyways..


be as free as the day you fell from heaven..


ignoring the restrictions set in place by those who think they know how you'll react..


your new focus can be our new goal..


they can't take away what we won't leave behind..


we can let them know what we think of them. what you think of me. what i think of us..


a vicious circle unplugged and set loose, out of the control of the plugged in..


hopefully finding the courage to see what's on the other side..


if we find it white we'll leave it stained..


we'll be heroes for ourselves and disguised as no one..


the mistakes we make will be told as lessons to the young..


things work out in time..


the true nature of the world will be shown by those who notice it..


our journey is only as secure as the pillars holding it up..


shed what is good enough for what is excellent..


leave a trail for those free enough to follow..


then begin again with a new adventure..


the key to our happiness will be the willingness to not know about what's next..


we can still find out when it happens. and if it sucks we'll leave it for someone who will love it..


we'll leave it because we haven't been told we can't fly..


there'll be no place we won't be willing to go..


our mottoes and manifestos can take it..


we've always been told to set the captives free..


lead the lost to the place of peace..


the new beginning and the new dwelling..


the differences we all hold on the inside are what makes us unique on the outside..


nobody needs to be fixed when everyone else is broken..


the crap we'll take just to stand out..


we'll get out of line and into the real place..


the view is better from down here anyways..


with all that's left of the garbage thrown from the top we'll make a new way..


the reflection of the past will be the mirror we choose to ignore..


our new fortress of humility and modesty..


the mistakes we make will be canopies for the broken to come in under..


we'll never take a perspective that looks down..


the stand outs. the set apart..


the ones who have been given the eyes to truly see..


the ones who have found the reason to begin the journey in the first place..

a sip of beer brain

the vast majority of us don't actually know we can't fly because the vast majority of us are too afraid to try. those lucky, brave, wonderfully foolish broken few... i'm gonna work on getting the same thrill and adrenaline boost out of walking or maybe skipping. extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeme

light the candles and throw up your gangster signs

an let andy samberg throw you on the grouuuuuuuuuuuuund.

i just had coffee with my wunnerful older sister kelsey, whom i haven't met with since thursday night (via chance encounter at the sbux) but BEFORE that it'd been a solid babie time + 2 months. we had some catching up to do. especially she went to mosaic for two months this summer in LA and had a life changing experience as well. met erwin RAPHAEL mcmanus, served with mosaic church, did a whole bunch of other things as well.. she was changed, i was changed by my trip, and it's hard to have a connection with this world when nobody has experienced what you have experienced. and then had to come home to reality out side of the whateverbubbleyouarein, hopefully expecting things to be the same as when you left + improvement. sadly we cannot all stand on top of the mountain top forever, and on the way down sometimes we slip. i've been slipping quite a bit lately, but this talk was church and although i smell of coffee bean, i am quite refreshed and impassioned about what i am doing and why. it was my soul fire getting some fuel squirted onto it. dying is no fun... but sometimes it must happen in order for us to grow even more. the next mountain is usually bigger than the one we just came down from, and going up isn't easy, but if we desire the top then we've gotta go through and understand the journey upwards. all cheesy but relevant metaphor aside, it's what i needed. more patience, less chasing (girls). more focus, less shit (painting). more prayer and meditation, less ignorance noise and self indulgence.

i painted mother teresa today. i started it last thursday, and i've hated it since. so i painted over it last night, and stenciled and spray painted today. and i'm happy. i'm not a good closer when it comes to painting so now i'm nervous about touching it. but it's gotta be done. (this curry chicken with pinapple is FANTASTIC mike an kristie.. (they had extra supper and gave me some. freaking love them.))

hey. don't get the swine. my friend dan got it the other day, which sucks cuz i made fun of him in the morning for being sick and was all 'probably swine flu y'know chuckle chuckle ' but then later his FB status was 'quarantined'... heyo not funny. especially with all this conspiracy stuff running amok... which is totally believable to me... i don't wanna be one of the paranoids who won't seek help if he gets sick to the point of swine, but i also don't want to be one of the ones who runs to the gov't asking for a cure either. that's scarier than dying. i know who my physician is... i've never had a flu shot an i'm gonna try my hardest (hopefully never against marshal law) to keep those injections away from me.

everything comes down to faith trust and obedience. i can't wait until people are keen for church because it's the one good thing left in the world. (see/witness: actual proper God fearing Jesus dwelling loving dispersing Spirit living kingdom bringing children of the Father, sharpening iron on iron and healing the sick and driving out the demons of the other kingdom, being all we were intended to be)

light it stoke it share it!!!

sinnifer

WF - at the train station i saw a droplet from the roof fall down onto a mans head. the thing is the droplet came from a sparrows rear. he seemed curious at the sudden wetness of his head, so looking up i saw curiousity turn into anger and shame. poor guy. the whole 'i hope nobody saw that' look was all over his face as i watched him.

PW - calling out jef on the law we've instated, in which while getting dressed if your boxers get put on before your shirt, the rest of the day you must be commando. (the same rule applies if you put your swim shorts on before the goggles.)

PF - in a mock heat panic to avoid being tickled by sean, i faked tearing my sweatpants off of myself but instead of faking it i fisted some fabric (near the pocket region) and shot them near thigh level. the unfortunate part was that the waistband of these sweatpants cling to boxers so in the process down came the boxers as well. sean wasn't looking. neither was mike. but i'm fairly sure brianne was. we casually walked into the living room and i asked 'wow, did you just see all of me?' to which she said 'nah, i mean i thought i did, but then i thought it was just weird that you are wearing flesh-coloured boxers'... but my boxers were grey. this is how brianne saw me first instead of sean an mike who i've lived with for five months.

WF/PF - pulling out of sait turning left on to 16th, me'n another car were eye-ing each other down because i thought he wanted to go straight, he thought i wanted to go straight, and so both of us turned on our turn signals and drove away with minor embarrassment.

PW - a triple dose of calling foul on jef for his boxer-before-shirt misbehavior. that is 3 workout days in a row. i almost felt bad as i saw him putting his boxers on before his shirt. but i had to call a foul. also, i paid 3.38 for lunch. two pizza rolls, one child of a bagel/crossiant, and a doughnut. later there was a fruit smoothy. it was green, healthy, delicious and just the right amount.

WF - jef. thrice.

PW - playing 'finish-your-beer-magnet-darts' on friday night, i never had to finish my beer.

PF - my entire life up until this point (see below)

extra PW - i watched the wizard of oz for the very first time in my life... it was awesome. how come a movie made in '39 kicked so much more butt than 90% of the movies in our time?! friggen hollywood. also i watched the good charlie an the chocolate factory. gene wilder FOR THE WIN.

one hundred un eighty

failblog has become tainted and boring. to maintain humility, i must post the fails and wins of this past week. it'll be a fail sandwhich. something i witenessed worthy of write, followed by a self-confirming win, finishing with something i dropped the ball on or stepped in, keeping pride minimal and shame... no shame.

witnessed fail - me and one other individual (a seemingly shy individual of the opposite gender) were walking up to sait this fine early morning, when she stumbled over a 1cm piece of metal sticking out from the fence. i giggled uproarously on the inside but on the outside i smiled beneath my scarf because she kinda just hung her head in george michael fashion. awwwww cute fail.

personal win - 3 hours of sleep last night, but an amazingly energetic day with lots of work done. my goal last night was to come home from metro-mercy and work on my essay right away (1250 words and nothing done, due the next night) but i got sucked into watching true blood with sean, and 2 1/2 hours later i finally started at 12:15ish... then i finished in an hour and a half. pat on the back pal. eat that C+ UP!

personal fail - this morning during me'n jef's post-workout swim, the cutest lifeguard was on (not like i notice these things) and as we walked by from the hottub to float in the shallow pool i accidentally made eye contact with her, causing her to give an immediately friendly but gentle 'hi'. in an uncontrolled volume i probably shouted back 'hey!' (you know.. because of the shock) and promptly turned around and jumped into the water.

WF - yesterday during the ravens/vikings game, in the last 2 seconds with minnesota winning 33-31, the kicker of the ravens missed the field goal. 6-0 never felt so good before... thanks baltimore. (and tennesse losing 59-0). bahahahhahaaa

PW - finishing 2 3/4 paintings in one sitting, in the process finding an idea i can use and use and use (even WITHIN studio practice) and finally justify portraits. all thanks to jef and Jesus. it was quite the boost in moral. that means i need 2 1/4 done by wednesday. game on!

PF - every shot i missed in floor hockey (about 13) and falling from first to seventh in fantasy hockey. the horrors of week 2.

WF - people not crossing the street even though there were no cars coming, and the hand was only flashing, leaving them looking like they had to contemplate being sheep or squares. God loves them.

PW - finding out that sean owns a magic bullet, that has literally been in the cupboard the entire time i have lived there. smoothies... get in me. ALSO finding out sean probably isn't moving to BC for another year, which means another WHOLE year in 59. awesome news. party times for the WIN!

PF - the magic bullet thing (it took a year to open the cupboard above the microwave? lesson learned)... i definitely drooled at some point. and i definitely farted on the train and lied about it. straight to your face jef. straight to your face. and you knew it. and i knew you knew it. no tricking your nose... no sir.

SOLUTION! (maybe i just want 2009 to end)

nothin to friggen anticipate tyler?! balls i say!

february 2: leave calgary around 2-5pm, depending on when school ends. it could very well be morning. drive 19 hours south to las vegas.

february 3: arrive las vegas around 3pm, locate john-mark, talk life, bro out DTS style, possibly spend the night or keep going. it's vegas. 'lots' to do probably just keep going. 5 hours later arrive in san diego

february 4: arrive san diego, find scott and start fulfilling best man duties for wedding. catch up with the mcdonald family and attempt to break chris'n girlfriend up. for kicks, or for serious, depending on the level of suspected happiness. consider ruining wedding. but then remember in a thing called love and notdoingrudethingslikeruiningweddings.

february 5: do stuff. it's california. decide whether scott needs/deserves a bachelor party. realize love is real, chris is happy, and wrecking relationships is juvenile and selfish. sean + co will party CA style. i'll sneak out an join.

february 6: hopefully a wedding. (hopefully is fully independent of my feelings towards it.) cake. new family. goodbyes. potentially/hopefully/probably leave san diego and head to LA.

february 7: chill in LA, hopefully with jake if DTS is over, potentially surf or just have some good catch up time. travel 5 hours north to nipomo, CA if alicia is home and do the same. continue on up another 7 hours to redding, CA and see if ithy is also back from DTS. this day will be amazing for me and hopefully some good times for sean an whoever else is with me. hopefully end up in medford, OR and hopefully stay the night with my lovely brother nik.

february 8: depart medford before the sun comes up (so... not stay the night. keep going. always keep going.) stop for breakfast in portland with steve hopefully, meet von for the first time hopefully, then head on up to van for a few hours to see marc, christa, chantal, arby, nick (if he's back from DTS), britt an colin, and probably a mass crew from anyone sean knows. in foresight, somebody should just have a party, so we can all party together, enjoy each other in a party situation, then enjoy a good crash, like the one that comes after a good party.

february 9: depart vancouver super freaking early and arrive in calgary 10 gloriously beautiful hours later. exhausted and satisfied and CONTENT and in love with each other.

all this hopefully spending less than $400. funded by fall show'n sale. and the hopes that scout (my car) survives until/during then. this has been 'get jacked for the future' in tyler's mind. set fists for 'anticipate'

i feel

a whole friggen lot right now. this will come off whiny. but shiiiiiiat. there is a hole in my chest that will NOT go away. i would say ever since, but that isn't the case. at first i was all calm and collected and CONTENT (key word) bein home. but lately... more and more... the more days pass the worse it gets.. this giant, bubbling, unsettling feeling of anxiety and DIScontent... am i seeking comfort but not finding it? me'n God are ok (could be better.. could always be better... though i'm not growing so i must be dying), i ADORE my housemates, my schoolmates, my bestmates, and my painting... but the hole refuses to be filled. i try to fill it with sports, with church (though metro-mercy isn't full blast yet, so it's not yet time to rule this out) but even more so the hole isn't filled. it's not worry or nervousness, but this intense feeling that i am missing something deep within me. maybe YWAM was such a good experience i'll never have another moment in my life that will give me the level of satisfaction that DTS gave. (though i can't say this is true because near the end i YEARNED for home and for housemates schoolmates and bestmates...) maybe i feel like i'm just always waiting for the next thing instead of living the big thing in i'm right now, but MAYBE i'm waiting for nothing. maybe i'm just missing too many people right now it hurts (hey, new feeling! mass-missings = f***ing sadness) or maybe life is kicking me in the shins right now and i'm throwing a verbal mental tantrum like a little bitch. i don't often feel this way, just when i'm alone. which is (crap!) often! (dammit!). there are so many things it could be and so many other things i want it to be but what it is bappens to be what it is.. an it's not bad, HECK no it's not bad. its phenomenal. but inexplicably empty and vacant on the inside. i think it's a perfect combination of missing people, having nothing huge to wait upon or anticipate, and fearing the fears i fear when i'm lacking in trust and patience. the only thing i can do about it is sleep, wake up and have a different attitude. OR i could change it right now, pound out a painting, enjoy some late night music and make the friggen most of life. if anyone finds my heart out of my chest wandering around, tell it to come home. i need it back for now.

i don't need another reason, i just want one

the conclusion.

we'll be more than fine. the contradicting conclusion to the question the world asks. our stains and scabs and scars won't leave anything but a work of art on the field of our bodies. perfection, no. but realized potential, yes. the only closure i need is your smile. we'll never understand love, so we'll just live in it.

curl up into a little ball and disappear

... i wrote something about this severalaweek occurrence. erhmm.

..the only reason to separate the things that belong together is to allow them the time to prepare, so that when they meet at last they can appreciate what has happened until THIS point in time, and celebrate their communal beauty by knowing their union makes the world a better place..

oh my GOSH that relates to so much more than soup ...

(giggles inwardly at himself)

also - i did that thing this morning... that thing where someone steps on a skateboard with one foot and almost dies... just like the cartoons! except it was dark and nobody was laughing.

rusty railings

bashful banter...
purposeful directives...
exploring understanding and new perspectives...
drape a blanket around you and another...
justified originality...

-the first vision that comes to your head when you think 'volkswagen' is definitely what should be thought. this kind of freedom will stretch as far as you will reach.

-strolling naked. just like the day it started.

shouting humility full of vulnerability...
think and wonder, ask and play...
written heart...
anti-reflection and selfless indifference...
see shake smile...

-surreal existence based on successful hopes. the door with no lock.

all the balls, eventually.

sapphire shit

empirical jargon...
useless manifestos...
clinging to ignorance and temporary ideals...
hang the polyester silk noose around your neck...
endless imitation...

-the first image that comes to your head when you picture 'machine' is probably the most accurate. this kind of security will stick around as long as you desire instead of dream.

-walking caskets. at least you're dressed for death.

whispered lies following propaganda truths...
lust and linger, indulge and parasite...
rationalized definitions...
vanity trials and self aware cognition...
swell spray spread...

-constant envy laced with hopes of achievement. the lure with a key.

8 ball, 4 banks, side pocket...

can we go back and remember the times... so i can paint.

it's the thing we call intuition, the fruitful endeavor, and the reason to go on. we can remember everything we've ever said about it and you and us. nothing matters depending on the ground we lay on, and our freedom is only limited by how far we can take each other. if you asked me to kill for you i wouldn't do it. and that's the answer you were looking for. if you asked me to die for you i wouldn't hesitate. and that's the answer you'd give me as well. it's the answer we've both been given before. our celebration is in our union, and the reception lasts forever now and until we die. we are living in eternity already because together we know the end isn't what it seems, if the end as we know it even exists. what we have is limited by physical mortality, but what we will have doesn't ever have to cease. the worry doesn't transpire in the normal ways, only that we won't make the most of the now and the gift of today. let's just run through sprinklers together and forget about everything else. we won't be known or remembered and that's the reason we'll last. the miracle is that we acknowledged the design instead of the chance. we are the mist that appears for a little while then vanishes, welcomed warmly into the bodies of those who run through us.

no YOU'RE a clepto-anestethiologist!

the world. tellin me what to do. eff that noise. (where is that FROM i've been saying it so much lately but why? sound waves are not effable.) this is what happens when the printers at acad make me what too long to print off rough drafts of pictures i need to wordsnot all over. the best pictures are the ones laced with spontinaity. cleary my patience is in need of an upgrade. mildly intolerant is not a good status to maintain. cooly indifferent is what i should be aiming for. (and what's worse! you put NALA in danger! (do NOT eff lion king quotes stuck pleasantly in my head.) i found a writing that made me extremely happy. on a desk was written : I <3 tyler!! (that's right, TWO exclamation marks) self esteem UP regardless of which tyler the author was speaking about, i'm claiming it in the name of joyful discovery. (slow rising applause within myself)

(raises imaginary glass half FULL of smiles)

a point of reference

this one time i was accidentally involved in a beautiful moment. i was walking through the parking lot, intentionally loving my music, when a lully softness in the song gave way for another guys louder music, which happened to be a harmonica, and they meshed and blended and conjoined as ONE for 3 brief seconds and then disipated... later i determined that it was the most original thing that would happen to me that day, because no combination of noise could ever match that perfectly and magically again while i'm listening. everybody gets one.

flip more? really?

when did this friggen happen? i could psycho-babble your face off but i won't. (much). i just like really deep measures of thought (if you consider this stuff deep. if you've got it figured out, that's cool, effing share the load). questions pop into my mind and then i ponder them an go... oh f*** that's legitimate!!! like... the 5 'w's. in what order, if associating them with 'am i' makes the most correct statement for trying to figure out life? let's see.

who am i?
what am i?
where am i?
why am i?
how am i?

i think most people would just immediately jump to existential thought methods in order to place them, and i thought no different. at FIRST. (hell yeah floaty mind mood! just you wait)

why am i? - would come first wouldn't it? IF you were thinking that way. (screw this analysis THIS way, i like... another way better.) so. the most important for someone who couldn't grasp their own existence.

what am i? - would most likely come from a rock who somehow became self aware. or a schizophrenic. or someone unable to understand their purpose whilst wishfully thinking about being a fish.

how am i? - well that's the million dollar question isn't it. intelligent design, darwinism... we'll never know so why is it such a big issue? insecure people will find this one most titillating.

who am i? - the common young adult, tadpole, or schizophrenic. alluring to people with low self esteem and people obsessed with celebrities. emphasis on the schizo.

why am i? - my favorite. because (not at all saying i have a higher perspective or understanding) if you ignore or understand all the others, this one actually gives a driving purpose towards this thing we call life.

anywho that's the stuff on my brain as of these last few hours. i could add a ton more. about truth being truth because truth exists, anything about love or the search for true love and compatibility, how God could/can/does answer the 5 'w's with His name alone (just flip it around, it's crazy (I Am how... I Am why...)), anything regarding poop or why i have been pooping triple lately, the glorious cold weather, why Jesus is coming very very friggen soon, and finally (but not limited to) why i think about certain things or people way more often when i'm near God than when i'm distracted and distant... i kinda wish everyone was truly naked.

yesterday i had no question mark.

is love fiction? i strongly believe not, but i guess some people must, otherwise this world would be a better place wouldn't it? think some might want to categorize love and put it in several different locations and levels of strength, and i do think that is ok because sometimes in order to understand you MUST organize and sometimes even generalize (as long as the main focus or purpose isn't brought down by a stereotype or negative connotation that is implicated under an impassioned circumstance) to gain a better perspective on the deal as a whole, but in the end hopefully realize that love simply IS, and it just manifests itself in different ways. a love of a location is far different than the love of a person, but at the same time i could describe my love for matamata as if it were a person that i passionately longed for, ached for every time i saw the slightest hint of it's existence in my memory or surroundings, BUT AT THE SAME TIME i can't hold or nuzzle or speak words of affection to it like i could a person, though it invokes the same internal feelings. but maybe it's not the place, just the experiences that i long for, the way God touched my life in such a way that i'm never going to be the same again, yet i still allow myself to slip back into the sludge of ignorance and forget what he has done for me and through me... and i can't have that happen. i don't remember if i wrote it in my travel blog, but i do remember talking about tara from hamilton. i had prayed for her one night because her foot was hurting her to the point of not bein able to walk, an the next time we saw her about 4 weeks later i found her an prayed for her again. THEN a few weeks later still another group found her and she was looking for me because her foot had been healed. i can't believe i'd forgotten the joy i felt when arby told me and how amazing it was to have been a part of somebody's miracle, no matter how little. i can't forget that ever. as well as our lovely friends peter and chantelle from raglan, who we had prayed that they would get a baby in their lives, because we felt like they had been trying unsuccessfully for awhile now. 8 weeks later we found out she was pregnant.. i can't ever say that God didn't do anything for me. ever. all this talk of love makes me realize that no matter how hard i try to love something, someone, or even God, there's no way i'll ever match up to how much He loves me. that's all He IS. that's why He's all that matters. all that other stuff is just ways that He lets us know.

the holy fire in my dirty eyes

this is the writing that inspired me THE most during NZ. it's from a book called red moon rising, from pete greig, who started the 24-7 prayer movement.

So this guy comes up to me and says: “what’s the vision? What’s the big idea?”
I open my mouth and words come out like this:
The vision?
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army.
And they are FREE from materialism.
They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations.
They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to lose,
that they might one day win
the great ‘Well done’ of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don’t need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: “COME ON!”
And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground
And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts “for me to live is Christ and to die is gain”.
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs.
Who can stop them?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death kill them?
And the generation prays
like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.
Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive
Inside.
On the outside? They hardly care.
They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.
With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don’t you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdo’s! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.
How do I know?
Because this is the longing of creation itself,
the groaning of the Spirit,
the very dream of God.
My tomorrow is his today.
My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great ‘Amen!’ from countless angels, from heroes of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.

(shivers)

the only battle better than the battle of hoth is the ewok forest battle on endor.

nobody ever retires anymore. what happened to leaving with an amazing finish and quitting while you are ahead... michael jordan... brett favre... well they are the only two i really see as legit (because rappers who say they retire really never retire, they just want to be vintage when they inevitably return (and i can't say i disapprove of brett favre's second retirement return because now he plays for my vikings) but isn't that what everybody wants? to be vintage? original? rare enough to be valued? but is our value still value when it comes from the compiled resources of all that influences us into one giant (nay, NORMAL) mass of humanity that we label 'I'? of COURSE it's still value! we take whatever history we know and make it our own, cutting and pasting what we like (which really is it up to us what we like? why DO we like the things we do? or LOVE the things we love... if we came from nothing why do i like the taste of strawberries? or hugging?) and forming into our opinion based on the perspective we choose to take, in regards to what we have found as ideal having sifted through those influences. ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh i shouldn't be thinking things that cause me to stir inwardly about the things outside of my pajamas. but DANG does jay-z have a good album cover... top notch.

for those times when satisfaction is somehow better alone.

not that your presence wouldn't be welcome if the situation had started with you there... just if you came halfway through neither one of us would obtain the concluding feeling of completion and the contentment that followed... one would need filling in while the other would have to do just that. it's ok though... we can watch season 4 together. and we can share this beer.

also

i'm reflecting on moments that i've had with myself where i sit back and indulge in whatever happens to be on, in, with, in front of, around, upon, attracted to, or mildly near me. and upon those moments when two things that come from opposite worlds collide into one united intertwined perfection of a happening. i'll list a few to make myself completely jealous of my past self.

this one time in new zealand, when i was alone at the airport waiting for my traveling buddies to come on a flight about 4 hours from that time.. i was sitting in the terminal sewing (i think it was jeans... i was fixing them good.) and listening to music. i hadn't had time to myself in a very very long time, let alone with solid music composed by my 'on the go' skills. all the elements added up. NZ, alone, sewing, and norma jean. needles and thrice. the cranberries and thread. industrious motives fueled by renewed inspiration.. truth in rest.

sitting in jef's basement the other night, chilling before watching zack and miri, finishing a delicious beer (something amazing from BC) and getting that feeling, that rush of things that have happened that has gotten me to where i am, and being completely content and satisfied with that.

today after my dad called and made my whole world better. whatever stress i had was there because of him and now even the stress i had because of me is gone. i love my dad.

auckland - taupo - napier ... wellington - whanganui ... matamata - wangarei ... paihia - opononi - auckland .. .. christchurch - lake tekapo ... oamaru - dunedin - kaka point - owaka ... invercargil - te anau - milford sound (almost) - athol ... queenstown - lake wanaka ... fox/frans josef glacier - kokitika - greymouth - punakaiki ... motuska - cape farewell - greymouth - otira ... arthurs pass - christchurch. july 25th - august 5th 2009. 5358km

God has given me many many things to be thankful for. in return i must try constantly to bring the kingdom. always. know God and make him known.


i should call this a manifesto, but that would put me in a box of expectation. so i'll call it stuff to do. the only manifesto IN my life is the above.

-seek achievement, be successful, then ignore the reward.
-compromise almost nothing. (no settling. evah!)
-why hold stuff in. it'll only pain me to keep it there. (urine (and secrets..) but mostly urine.)
-own nothing. kill the myth of ownership.
-LEARN HOW TO SWIM GOOD
-screw tradition. respectfully...
-accident babies.
-take 'plans' as stuff do to until God needs me somewhere.
-drive scout (oh yes, she's named) til she dies.
-people > time.
-spontaneity is the happiness key that opens the adventure door.
-change the world through existence. (not arrogantly... just... justly)
-read. lead. (i thought it was cliche but... truth.)

runny noise

i mean we COULD say nose, but why bother. it's all noise when the nostrils shout and spit. sickness is disgustingly lovely to describe. but in other happier news, life is happy. school is amost full blown, (still no job and therefore extremely extremely tight on money (as well as no extra roommate so still super super tight on money)) and autumn is upon me like a warm blanket in a cold breeze. whoa opposite metaphor... i've also busted out the old prisma colour pencil crayons due to an exciting talk with george from strange world tattoo. just... drawing... for the rest of my life if i'm gonna become a tattoo artist. so drawing i shall do. whilst watching 4 hours straight of the big bang theory. (thank you alexandra for mentioning it and thank you sean for having it. (i don't normally laugh aloud by myself in my quiet basement. but it happened a lot. only one disc left on season one... (i would watch the rest of if but working out with jef has started early mornings, and since we only did 3 exercises before nausea hit and we gave up. strong willed men we are! (with sore upper bodies. (curse you muscle NON memory... you are not like an elephant. more like a lemming. or a fish. lemmings could have great memory as far as i know. therefore knowing a fish has a sparse memory, it would be more accurate to align my failure to keep in shape with accusing my muscles of having a fish-like memory. (NOT lemmings. they are just less than smart. followers. rodent sheep. with no shepherd but the butt in front of it. (but the butt HA))))))) (i counted those parenthesis to be perfectly accurate. in case you were wondering. because if i didn't write this i would've counted anyways and even if there was a mistake i probably wouldn't of said anything because my observational nature isn't a critical one... only because OCD tendencies aren't touchy areas of impassioned responses..) so later in life when i have my degree in my hand and shadowing whatever fellow has decided to let me apprentice under him, i'll be living the dream. no money and doing what i love, letting God take care of my needs and loving living in community. (lifts drink (whatever that may be (due to sickness it happens to be (well happened to be, i have no drink in my hand) 2 litres of orange juice inside of me))) to babies!!