emily. the car, the sister, the unknown.

i heard the best name for earth in a long time.

groaning sod.

then i read the best blog i've read in a long time.

http://donmilleris.com/2011/03/29/ten-characteristics-of-a-disciple/

then i drank a juicebox that revolutionized my life.

sun-rype frust PLUS veggies, raspberry orange.
but that was months ago...

(set alight and release. recklessly onward. rum and rye. dr. pepper and emptiness.)

garnish- this pursuit is now available in acoustic

20. but my glasses in theory should belong on my face...

21. fine china ambush.

in these days we enjoy the finer things in life. the knowledge of a battle we can't see, the responsibility of actions we must uphold. love is light and darkness cannot invade this space.

(fist clenching sigh) watch 'furious love' if you have the time. or balls. or she-balls.

as i sit here in this contented darkness knowing the sun actually arose today, i wonder what it means to not be thought about on a committed level. my perspective is limited from either side if we are measuring time as accuracy.. volume speaks volumes though- silent or empty to loud and filled. placed on different shelves to be used at different times for different people.

1 808 days ago i said i was done- and i've spent 1 658 more trying to get back to day 1.

19. i never thought i wouldn't trust rice...

one day i tread upon some string
i thought that it was odd, so neat and so free
fascinated i looked carefully closer
hoping to find any reason for why it should be.

i found that it was a fuse
i dearly wanted to light it indeed
the curiosity, the magic left unseen
created inside of me an insatiable need.

i followed it all around
wandered and meandered with it awhile
hoping to find the end with an answer
perhaps with a question that would suit my style.

frustrated at the length i was going
i bend over and set it alight
watched it for a little distance
and ran ahead to end it's dwindling flight.

alas it would not diffuse
what had been done was now in motion
panicked and fearful ran to hide
in anything that resembled an ocean.

i ran in the direction i had come
seeking the right way so i could start over
but the sparks came closing in after
not allowing me to find the desired cover.

taking notice i stopped to observe
that this was not a situation from which i could flee
with a sudden realization i cried
'this fucking fuse, it's attached to me!'

accepting my fate and waiting for the connection
i hoped at least i was filled with something
beautiful and worthwhile, colourful and powerful
something to make me believe i was more than nothing.

the fuse and i met together at last
there were tears in my eyes and fire in hers
we exploded with a glorious flash that nobody else would see
and what i experienced was better than anyone assures.

and for you i'll drop it from this extreme height.

how convenient of us to have this time to waste together. we'll pitch it to the rest of our future and see if it's possible to continue in this way. we've got nobody to impress and nobody to witness any expectations. i guess we HAVE this time so... so why not. why wait. why rush. just quiet and be, release and see.

i think i just made the best powerpoint presentation i'm ever going to make.

and since i'm probably only ever going to make this one, i feel pretty damned successful. ooooo.. damn-ed successful. that's disheartening...

here's how it goes. i talk about me. then it's over. SWEET.



shoot. i should have used this picture. then over dramatized my entire presentation using mock arrogance and personality augmentation. then just walk out after, no questions or feedback intake. what a BADASS i am in my head. i'd end up full body blushing and tripping over something on the way out though... cover blown. mm. 'lend me some sugarrr, i am your NEIGHBOR!' shake it. shake it like a polaroid picture.

there are a few things though, as of late that are truly stirring my shit UP. i don't know if it's just impassioned judgment or justified hesitance to warm up to these certain things, but i feel talking about them with an upward inflection will help me sort it out.

1. the kingdom now campaign. rockpointe is a wondrous facilitator of providing service opportunities and maintaining a constant attitude of growth-seeking amongst it's highly devout community. it has enabled a rich genuine community of go getters at metro and for that i'll be forever stoked. but this new campaign is ripping a hole in my conscience as far as giving goes... i agree with the plan to raise 3.2 million dollars over 20 months in order to plant more churches around the city, give a far bigger donation and investment to missions both overseas and domestically, but it's the facility upgrading that is making me hesitate aggressively to even consider giving what little i hate. i think the argument 'what i believe to be important may not be as important to others, and likewise their importances to mine', but i'm having a super hard time thinking that spending a higher percentage of money on upgrades instead of the outgoing citizens of the Kingdom is super short sighted and weeeeeak in priorities. i don't see how it is going to bring love to people any faster or more effectively than if the buildings were left the way they were. new gear and production equipment has a slightly elevated level of importance (goodness gracious, this IS the decade past the new millenium), but ultimately will only cater to those who require such delicacies on their spiritual palate. the people in need really aren't going to give a shit, in my opinion. nobody walks into a building and says 'i see Christ in this new entranceway... i repent!'. interaction and relationship is what is going to make this life more bearable. if we are indeed seeking to love God with all our heart soul and mind, and then love other's like ourselves. i'm stoked for the people that are going to give to this, and know that they will indeed be blessed for sacrificing, but this isn't something i'm choosing to be a part of.

these thought processes have got me all uppity on my tithes and convictions. jef made a good point about me surrendering my calloused view of man and giving up control of my money, in order that i'll give my faith a boost. i fully agreed with this, then felt an immense conviction that while yes, this is true, i also need to be a good steward with what i have been given and give according to my passions and holy discontents. i'm so blessed and grateful to have what i have, who i have, what to be honest, WHEN i am.. so it's time to own my blessing so i can BE a blessing. hopping back on board proactive ideas for surrendering..

2. couples. (shudders, suppresses a barrage of f-bombs that haven't been suppressed lately) couples... i want to think it's not just jealousy, though it very well could be, but i am fed up with people changing once they get into a relationship. i GET that it's important to spend time with each other on a separate basis (i've been there, i understand the desire and the necessity) but on the cusp of several new and continuing couples that i know, it's becoming dangerously close to evolving into an exclusive clique where the rest of anyone who isn't partnered up isn't allowed. for some reason. i thought that the part about us being GOOD together wasn't to have our identities evaporated into ambiguity, but to be enhanced in who we are as individuals because we are MORE complete with that other person. tyler + himself = tyler, tyler + 1 = tyler ross hochhalter. i'm terrified and mortified of becoming one of these people who succumb to the pressures of contentment and forget to challenge themselves with growth and refinement as individuals. hold me accountable for that. change is good, change is great, but only in a progressive manner.

with THAT being said, i'm constantly bombarded by adorable cuteness all around me, and i'm stoked to be privileged enough to witness the intention and presentation of wooers and wooees interacting with each other. it's a constant beautiful danger zone, and while my fears are relevant and constant, my appreciation is all smiles in the wake of the standard spring time ritual of hookups and commitments. pursue if you must, exist as you dare, but please maintain the integrity and dignity of owning your identity and giving it to someone to massage and give right back. better...

3. snow. i've actually had enough for once.

i need to write more so i don't lash out with a scathing tongue like i feel i just have. and i need some white umbrellas.

what if these trains collided

oh be joyful. cuz that shit spreads (massive props to matt good for boosting my already happy mood to new levels with his timely advice).

i REALLY enjoy not driving on nights like these. it's saint patrick's day. emphasis on the '''(get it? fuck i'm awesome). how did i get this white v-neck on?! who cares! i think i finally understand the celebration on nights like these. if it is indeed patrick''!'s day, then truly it is a justifiable cause to celebrate. he was THE man. honestly. who gets taken into slavery as a child, falls in love with the land they are taken captive to, and then GOES BACK when freedom was attained. WITHOUT permission from the church, from whom said he couldn't because he was not yet a bishop, to which he said 'eff that noise, i AM a bishop' and went anyways. authority in Christ, enabled through passion and mission, developing community and amazing poetic prayers throughout. st. patrick, i drink to you this eve.

'Christ, shield me today against burning, against drowning, against wounding, so that there may come to me abundance of reward, Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ on my right, Christ on my left, Christ when i lie down, Christ when i arise, Christ in quiet, Christ in danger, Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me, Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me, Christ in every eye that sees me, Christ in every ear that sees me'

instead of a picture, i give you my favorite authors blog of today.
http://donmilleris.com/2011/03/17/happy-st-patricks-day/
makes me weepy.

how the story never went

baseball bats and ideals.

i feel like... writing. like mammoth narratives about the characters i've created in my head. put into the situations and circumstances i imagine myself in. but then i think, who would read something like that? then i continue to think, is this what writers go through? thinking their work isn't worth the effort because they don't know if anyone is going to accept the chance to love it? screw it. it's art, i do art all the time. most of the time i 'don't care' what people think about it. but i kind of have to don't i? i can consider it done and beautiful but if nobody else does, is it's existence still definable as art?! OH NO! this is a horrible rabbit hole to go down in this frazzled state of mind i am currently residing in. screw it. i am going to write stories. invest some time into actually finishing and piecing together a cohesive narrative. maybe graphic novel style. maybe a screenplay. with my 'student' status about to be lifted, i feel both freed from the excuses and elder-sympathy of a less rational stage of life, and imprisoned by the impending nature of the next stage of which i have never been a part of. i hope to cling harder to the freedom element and manage my time in a way that will glorify what i am about. i want to experience TIME. but to have time i must first have money, which is a luxury a student knows not. the luxury i will know will hopefully be a thirst for wisdom as an apprentice. until that time, draw, write, get support SOMEHOW, and love. God. grass. people. sport. people. someone specific. other people. enemies. thunder and rain and the smell before it all goes down.

springtime has arrived in attitude.

your birthday is a lie. you were ACTUALLY born on THIS day...

here are three things i've just discovered i love.

1. reconnecting with old friends. especially when it's actually been more than 7 years and you've been aware of each other, but haven't interacted in so long you don't actually know each other. so you get to learn and re-learn whilst catching up. effing. awesome.

2. walking home from the train half drunk whilst listening to we came as romans. and having to pee really really bad, and dressing for 2 degrees though it is -13 degrees. and then finding a shaded spot of the path. and peeing.

3. eating half of a pumpkin pie.

don't pour us, get to the chorus

-with sword, rope, and guillotine we swore to make the sky rain blood on heathen heads. tyranical penitence beheld by a saturated evil, entitlement with an authority we had no right to uphold. the mark of our Savior became the mark of the beast, and the signs and wonders we were told to create were the slaughter and control of the grace meant to be bestowed upon everyone. running away from the truth and wielding His name unjustly and claiming the favor of the Lord for our own agenda.-

shit, i was angry once. not like the fire isn't still there, but the language has changed and the accusing verbal glares have been replaced with shy glances of love. i hope. at least i know it's possible to be forgiven, so we continue that way. holy discontent = righteous pursuit of a more valid representation of Christ. sure, it's rained blood. it's still raining blood. so let's open up our surrender-white umbrella's and cover up those who shouldn't know what blood tastes like.

the bleeding heart that was cleaned up by a leaking heart

i'm sick of talking and i'm sick of waiting. i'm sick of the lack of doing and the amount of sitting. and talking. and waiting. i'll light this fire under my own feet to get me running. all socks burn through eventually.. responsibility amidst the resolve to release control on this unraveling thread.

i put it there and instantly forgot that it was new. it just fit. it was right and it was known.

when i grow up i wanna be a heretic

march. march march march. left right left? nay- left left right.

here is what i am excited for within the month of march. in measurements of excitement.

financial hesitation and spending abandonment. with some foul plays in my past and mis-readings of future endeavors, i know owe people money. with a massive chunk included to my gracious 'rents. who have helped me out in order that i can go to new york on the painting department trip. with THAT being taken care of, focus now comes to regaining financial stability in the coming and furthering months, which means a social embargo on many activities and their wallet sucking kingdom of fun. despite this parental sanctioned bereavement and verbal flogging of my bond-able skill set, i am 17 out of 24 70's nikon film pictures excited. i get to challenge myself WITH self control, saying no, being scroungier in my artistic pursuits, withholding many things from many other things, spawning responsibility, trusting God more, and choosing wisely the things that will benefit me and my pebt (oh yeah. parental debt.).

love wins. a book about heaven, hell and the fate of every person who ever lived by rob bell. already stirring shit up in the 'evangelistic' community, with people claiming bell to be a universalist who is abandoning the theology of God's inspired word. i say if love wins, who is to argue? and to quote aqualung "if love is not the answer then maybe i misunderstood the question". i enjoy seeing some of the responses to the book that isn't even out yet (march.29... hence my anticipation) and the fathoms of people claiming to continue to pray for rob bell. snicker snicker. not that i like confrontation or conflict... (3 out of 4 fresh decks of cards) http://blog.christianitytoday.com/ctliveblog/archives/2011/02/rob_bells_book.html
... but i love a good theological throw-down. not like this IS one. but.. i just really enjoyed this article and really REALLY am looking forward to reading this book. with one full, shared, dejarum of excitement.

battle: LA. i'm just going to ignore the directors previous movies and pretend this is his first attempt. and am going to bank heavily on a truly amazing trailer and hope the actual product is worthy of such a representation. should it suck, i abolish trailers from my life forever as a viable source of excitement. SHEEP NO MORE! i shall cry. i am half a bowl of bacon fried rice excited. (honorable excitement mentions to limitless, paul, and sucker punch. we are rich to live in such a cinematic time as this (floppy tongue noise)).

continuing episodes of community. with this show, and modern family taking over my coveted 'most loved show' top spots, i am constantly floored by the consistency of my laughter even whilst alone by this and this show. forever 4 out of 5 light switches turned on for my excitement.

show'n sale. i need money. money demands work. work demands me using time well. meaning i MUST be productive for three weeks to produce anything resembling art. as this is my very last show'n sale i need to make sure my work is the best i've done, and soaked in my own style and personality. not just making work just to sell it... but to piece by piece infect the lives of anyone who wants my art. i didn't work today because it might've been too cold. but i WORKED today because of it, and for that i am thankful, and a brand new sketchbook worth of excitement.

owning my own self and giving up control and letting down my walls and continue throwing my heart recklessly and passionately at my pursuits, in all contexts. four minutes of snoopy dancing of excitement.

... i'm positive there are more but i frankly do not have the time or energy enough to write about all of them. i could make a list but then i'd have TOO much to anticipate and then sleeping would become useless. phu-sigh.