the attic was good to me.

i found a teddy bear i've been missing for 8 years, remembered how awesome biker mice from mars action figures were, and a whole thwack of meaningless memorabilia from the '90s. that i threw out. hooRAY childhood condensed from three boxes into one! in five more years it'll be time for the next mid-decade purge of shit i don't need to keep. gleaning memories is a righteous business. to pay homage to my 6th grade self, i'm going to tell you a story. because 6th grade tyler would've wanted to tell you. he also would say get some popcorn, it's a long'n.

erhmm (you'll forgive the poor spelling and grammar because i wasn't an honour roll student until the 7th grade. where my honour remained for the remainder of my academic career...).


two worlds.

(jan.12-1998.) my name is ross, and & i live in costa mesa, california. it was my last day at school before i got my big suprise. i was just achieving getting my report card when i saw my mom at the door. i hurridly took my card & shook hands. i yelled goodbye & went to my mom.
"hey, ross how was school?" asked my mom.
"it was awesome! I got my report card!" i answered exitedly.
"great!" said my mom. then i remembered something.
"what's the surprise you were telling me about?" i asked with a longing face.
"i'll tell you when we get home." replied my mom. the drive home seemed to take forever (even though it was only 5 minutes away). when we finally got home, i hopped out of the van & ran to the door.
"okay, whats the suprise?" i questioned getting more exited by the minute.
"just wait" said my my mom chuckling at the same time, "inside i'll tell you, you little rascal!" insulted my mom. we went inside & i questioned again:
"now?"
"go sit down by your dad & i'll tell you." she said firmly. i went and sat down reluctantly as i was told.
"we've decided that you will be going to camp this year with your friend max." (max is my best friend).
"yees!!!" i whaled loudly.
"now go & get packed. the bus will be leaving after breakfast tomorrow." explained my mom. i nodded & went up to my room to pak. i knew max & i were going to do some pranks, so i packed my prank stuff. when i was done paking i called max.
"max! i can't wait till tomorrow. can't you?" i asked over the phone.
"no i can't. it's too exiting!" he said in his croaky voice.
"well see ya' tomorrow!"
"bye,"
"bye!" i said finally & hung up.

(jan. 14) max & i had discussed every prank we were going to do at camp. the next morning we were off & ready to load the bus.
"ready for the first prank?" i asked in a hyperactive voice.
"you bet!" said max exitedly
"whoopy cusion time!" we hollared hallowred yelled together. we quickly lifted the seat & placed the blown up cusion underneath. we sat in the seat behind & both farted loudly.
"ha,ha,haaah!" laughed a kid behind in front of us.
"hey, shut up!" i yelled.
"ross, we were just woopy cousoned cousioned cushioned!" he yelled franticly.
"oh, were going to get you back! big time!" i yelled at the kids two seats ahead of us.
"oh, yeah? how?" they said moving back a seat. then they realized they sat in the whoopy cusioned seat.
"that's how!" max sayed as we roared with lafghter laughter
"we'll get you back! just you wait!" he yelled. for the rest of the ride we kept on pestering them until we ran out of tears from laughing so hard. by the time we got there, it was the middle of the afternoon. we drove by the big sign saying:

CAMP AQUA the greatest expirience experience ever!

when we were UNloaded onto off the bus, we went to meet our counselars. there were normally six to a cabin (excluding the counselOrs), but we had five. luckily for us, the two we pestered were in our cabin. our counselors name was eric, & he seemed to like pranks too. the other three prancksters were kyle, joseph, & carey (kyle & joseph were the ones we made fun of). so we, as a cabin decided to do pranks with each other & not on each other. first we caught frogs & put them in the girls cabins, then we threw rocks at the fishing hole to scare the fish away. after a whole day of pranks, they we decided to do one last prank: put a skunk in the cafeteria! we went out to find one (by then it was dark) in the forest. joseph was climbing a tree (to look for a skunk) when he slid down looking very pail.
"joseph, whats wrong, you look like you've seen an alien!" said eric. joseph replied:
"how did you know?" we all looked very puzzled, then looked up. i tried to scream but my throat was too dry. there, about 500 feet up was a strange looking UFO! all of the sudden a bright red light shot out of the ship. we all started floating up. i was all of the sudden scared of heights. every thing started getting darker, darker, darker... black.

"hey ross, wake up." said a framiliar voice. then i recognized the voice of max.
"ross, you've got to wake up!" he said again.
"ohh, what happened?" i groaned.
"we were sucked up by the UFO we saw last night." he explained.
"go on."
"well, while you fainted we were all speechless."
"yes?"
"well, we saw the alien & his name is vrow he is a lecton. i know this will be a lot to take in but you must hear it. vrow has asked us to join in the great battle of the moon." he said, sounding a little nervous.
"what did we decide?" i asked, getting more exited by the minute.
"we left it up to you."
"can i see vr- whats his name?" i asked. max moved aside to revele a small alien. he was only about three feet tall & his skin was yellowish green. he had three eyes & a long skinny tail.
"well?" said vrow in a tiny voice.
"well who exactly are we fighting?" i asked. vrow replied:
"we are fighting creatures called relds. with my people fellow lections & your intelligence, we will try to save your world by destroying the reld mother ship. if we fail, the mother ship will create a power ful beam & cause your world great pain & suffering. before long, all human kind will be destroyed."
"well i'm in for it." said max.
"and if you're in it all of us are!" i said in a triumphant voice. then we must
"then we must get your weapons & protection right away!" replied vrow. when we had all our gear on & i looked at my team. they looked as if they'ed been fighting for years.
"let's kick some reld butt!" said joseph. and off we went, on a course for the moon. when we got there, we saw the relds! they were huge, practically all muscle & bone. we also noticed the reld mother ship being constructed. then last of all, vrow's people lectons by the hundreds. we landed & emediatly jumped out & started jumping toward the relds the lectons. i think you could say that the relds were pure musle & bone. one reld was in our territory. he noticed me, & i shot three shots & he fell down floated away dead. we moved toward our team. vrows people. the lectons our team. i noticed that the lectons could breath, as well as stay on the moon's surface. i was started to get a little tense because the relds were on the move. two of the relds i observed were starting to join to gether, & then grew even bigger. that's when the battle began.
"don't shoot one at a time. only three or more shots." said vrow.
"okay. lets move!" i said into my communicator.

we broke into a run fast bounce, the laser beams now flying every where. i shot & realized it was only one. it hit a reld, & it multiplied into two. the two that had joined was coming toward us, & fast! it was crushing everything in sight, even relds! but every time it did that, it grew even bigger. i was shooting rapidly, now killing everything i saw. i looked over at max & saw him going toward the big reld he wasn't there.
"get back max!" yelled joseph. i looked & saw max running toward the reld.
"it's ok," he said back
"no its not daneit!" i hollared yelled. then i saw what he was doing. he rolled under the foot of the big reld. he jumped all the way to it's head & fired rapidly at it. the reld roared in pain and exploded into a big, red mess. it didn't do any good because the relds grew bigger when the blood hit him them. they easily joined up again & grew at least the size of the mothership. there were no relds left exept for this one. horns grew from its head, & it grew two more arms. it's eyes turned musle yellow & glowed. there were only a couple of us left. but to my suprise, all the lectons joined together too, & grew the same size as the reld.
"go! destroy the mothership!" said the thing lecton.
"you heard him, go!" said eric. the thing lecton & the reld began a tremendous fight. if you were me, you would say goodbye to WWF. we started shooting at the half-done mothership. while the we were shooting the Thing punched and arm off the reld & it landed on the mother ship. electrical sparks went every where & then max carey & kyle said:
"hit the deck! it's gonna blow!" we went sprawling across the surface when the mothership blew up. i swear, if the side of the moon we were on, you wouldv'e seen that explosion from earth. we started shooting the reld from behind. the thing was now beating the living stuff out of that reld & the explosion just weakened it. i shot one last shot, & the reld exploded into gallons of blood, bones & muscles. the thing shrank into down to it's normal size, & multiplied back to its regular numbers.
"thanks vrow. we couldn't of have done that without you." i said.
"& i couldn't of done it without you." said vrow.
"well, that was fun, but it's time to go back to camp." eric said, but we all knew we had saved the earth. i will always remember that heck of a battle

THE END

(spills popcorn in a fury) like THAT?! young tyler, well intention-ed sir. obvs you are unfamiliar with the assumed extra-terrestrial mechanics of breathing and moon-movement, as are you far to quick to completion when the climax is actually acquired. i rate this story as a metaphor for your first sexual encounter. i'm gonna go watch street sharks.